Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I Hate Liberal Dissent

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I've come to a simple conclusion: having to listen to people who disagree with you is incredibly annoying. I previously wrote that liberal commenters help fill me with enough indignation to post on this blog. That was before I got sick and tired of having to defend every single one of my ideas.

But my dilemma is this: How do I rid myself of these liberal pests without completely disabling comments and in turn cutting myself off from any well deserved praise?

WWFND: What Would Fox News Do?

First I thought of Fox News, and how they handle their own liberal pest problems. As an unfortunate necessity they have to invite a liberal pundit on their shows to try and counter a conservative pundit's take on any particular issue. A shouting match usually ensues and the conservative always prevails. So how do they manage to keep the news so on message without it devolving into some sort of treasonous coffeehouse debate?

Simple, they shrewdly control the debate by carefully selecting their opponents. They can either pick an anemic liberal like Alan Colmes who will easily concede or they can select a liberal so outrageous that he makes Michael Moore look like Michael Gregory Steele. This solution is so absolutely brilliant in its simplicity.

Unfortunately I can't pick and choose which liberal idiots will stumble across this blog and decide to post a comment, so I have to look elsewhere for a solution.

WWGWBD: What Would George W. Bush Do?
Next I thought of our glorious President and what he would do in this kind of situation. How did he handle all those loud unwashed protesters chanting bumper-sticker slogans like "No Blood for Oil", "Bush Lied" , or "Stop Picking on Terrorists" ? How could he perform his election stump speech or preach the gospel of Social Security privatization over this kind of racket?

He has a simple and elegant solution to this problem of having people who disagree with him: Don't let them in the door. He wisely makes everyone who attends these events sign a loyalty oath so that he can preach only to the choir. He kept the riff-raff out by filling these events with only loyal and pure Republicans. This is the genius mind of Karl Rove at its best.

But again this is an idea that doesn't quite translate to the internet. Having everyone sign a loyalty oath isn't very practical for a blog.

WWID: What Will I Do?
It all boils down to carefully controlling the debate. I will no longer allow any liberals to try and knock me off message. If a liberal posts a comment it will be deleted. This is unless the liberal either leaves me opportunity to personal attack their extremism or gives me an easy way to reiterating a point I have made earlier. I hope liberals will remember this simple message when trying to comment to this blog: I control the terms of the debate, therefore I control the message.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Thank You, Karl Rove

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I've always liked Karl Rove. Ever since he helped the venerable George W. Bush claim his hallowed throne in 2000, he's been a-ok in my book. And when he helped our saintly President win the 2004 election by riding a holy wave of homosexual hatred, well my admiration for the man only grew.

You see, I've always respected the fact that Karl will do whatever it takes to get a man of God into office. He's a shrewd political genius and now I have a new reason to revere the man Bush calls "Boy Genius" -- He's a straight shooter.

Last week, he had the guts to finally call liberals out for their disgusting cowardice:
"Conservatives saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." -- Karl Rove
After September the 11th, while no Democratic official really said anything too "liberal-ly," you can be certain that their only thoughts were ones of weakness and capitulation. I have included some quotes from what I assume were the inner dialogues of these liberals right after the terrorist attacks.
"If only we'd provided Taliban with that all those hugs I knew they needed, then we wouldn't be in this mess. I blame myself, but mostly I blame America." -- Terry McAuliffe, Former DNC chairman.
"These attacks seem like a textbook case of desperate middle child crying out for attention. Poor Osama." -- Hillary Clinton
"If we artfully negotiate our surrender to the terrorists, maybe they'll allow us to keep at least a couple of our freedoms." -- John Kerry

Thank you, Karl Rove, for saying that liberals are a threat to the war on terror. You've confirmed what I knew all along; it's impossible to love this country and be a Democrat. Most of all, thank you Karl, for having the courage to tell it like it is.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Michael Jr.'s Unholy Sleepover

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Judging from the comments I received on my Fathers Day Post, I think that some regular parenting advice may be needed for many of our readers. There is no definitive manual on parenting, but this is only because I haven't taken the time to write one.

I can't provide everyone with all the answers to their parenting dilemmas, but anyone should be able to attain a basic understanding of how to be a good parent by simply reading stories on how I parent. I will try to share one such parental anecdote every Sunday night.

Tonight I will share with you a story that took place just today.

My son, Michael Jr., had one of his friends from school over to spend the night (they both slept in separate rooms mind you; I refused to take any chances). This morning, Michael Jr. was just sitting there in his bedroom watching television with his friend Jeremy as I walked up to the doorway of his room.

I shouted in, "Are you two boys getting ready for church?" Michael Jr. replied: "Yes, sir, I just need to put my tie on." He's such a good and obedient child, but I was absolutely floored by what that his snot-nosed friend said after that. "My family never goes to church, Mr. Steele, " he said in his obnoxiously nasal voice. "I can just have my mom pick me up before you leave."

I stood in the doorway for a second unable to speak. This little puke doesn't go to church and he's fraternizing with one of my children? I tried to remain calm, as I would undoubtedly be arrested if I simply acted on impulse and put that little punk through a wall.

I replied coolly, "So, your family worships the devil then?" "No, my family just doesn't really believe in God," he said this without even looking at me. I turned to Michael Jr. and said through clenched teeth, "This kid is no longer your friend."

This is all I needed to say to my son. He immediately leapt to his feet and shouted, "Jeremy, you need to leave before God decides to punish me for associating with someone so despicable."

Jeremy called his mom and was picked up shortly after this all transpired. Later on, while Michael Jr. and I were incinerating the clothes that putrid little atheist had left behind, my son looked up at me and said, "It seems sometimes like our family are only good people in this entire wicked town."

I just smiled proudly at my son. Mark my words; he's going to grow up to be a awe-inspiring mouthpiece of God, just like his dad.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Send Grover to Gitmo!

by Herman B. Hayes

It is time to close down PBS.

Why should our tax dollars go to such an evil organization as PBS? It makes no sense to me. Once upon a time, this organization was a bastion of Christian and Republican values. Sadly, this is no longer the case. PBS has taken a hard turn to the left.

Unless we stop this trend now, we are going to start having some real problems with our local public broadcasting stations. I have provided a list of probable shows and topics below, just to show you how bad it will get.

Frontline: Terrorist, Gay, and Proud
Nova: Our Solar System, and Why God Did Not Create It
Wild America: Gay Otters
Charley Rose: An Hour with Liberals
Sesame Street: Big Bird and Grover Go to Tolerance Camp
Reading Rainbow: The Anarchists Cookbook, Nuclear Weapons Plans
Painting with Bob Ross: A Landscape without God
This Old House: This Old House Full of Sodomites
New Yankee Workshop: Marital Aides
Teletubbies: Rerun (Could it get any worse?)
The News Hour with Jim Lehrer: Now hosted by “Jane” Lehrer

This is just a small sample of what could happen. The liberal bias in publicly funded media has gone too far. The public should demand that their tax dollars be spent on programming that they feel is safe for their children, and an enrichment to their lives. As you can see from the above sample of public broadcasting’s bias, this is not the case.

Write your Senators, write your Congressman, let them know that you will not stand by and watch treason being funded by your tax dollars! Join me in my campaign to, in effect, send Grover to Gitmo!

Friday, June 24, 2005


by Herman B. Hayes

Conservative Christian Moral Emergency

There are days that I wish I was illiterate.

These days are few and far between, mind you. Sometimes, though, I find myself reading things that disgust and anger me. Let me fill you in. I take it upon myself to do something that I would never ask of you; I read liberal publications. It is important to know what our enemy thinks, as I have told you before. I read publications of all types, just to know what the tree-hugging welfare-fairies are thinking. Yesterday, though, I read something that I had never read before, and I hope I never have to read again.

I read a column entitled “Savage Love(for God's sake don't click that link).

For starters, the title of this column is disturbing. Why in the world would you ever have savage love? Love is supposed to be the kind that is ordained by the Lord our God. This is the gentle and tender kind of love, nothing savage about it. Reading on, I noticed that the author was someone by the name of Dan Savage, hence the moronic play on words. I was not off to a great start with this column. Slightly unnerved, but aware of my duty, I read on. The entire column was written about one topic:

Sexual advice for 15 year old homosexuals.

First off, there is no need for a column of this nature. God has already provided 15 year old sinners with an advice column. It is called the Bible, and it tells you not to be gay. Do you really need more advice? Continuing on, I discovered that this article was actually a compilation of small pieces of advice on how to be a more experienced sinner. It would seem that this Dan Savage character propositioned homosexuals of a more advanced age to write in with tidbits of evil. I am not certain, but someone who believes in savage love may also be gay, but I cannot prove this. This is a horrifying thing!

Youths should get their sexual advice from the same sources that they have always employed, Mom, Dad, and Reverend Brown.

Mom would tell you to be straight. Dad would tell you to be straight. Reverend Brown would look down his nose at you, and tell you that Jesus loves all the little children, except the gay ones. Besides, anyone who writes articles for pubic consumption that advocate pre-marital sex should be guilty of a crime. If you have trouble understanding how you should handle the advent of sexual thoughts in your child, please refer to the article by my colleague on that matter: Talking to Your Kids About Sex.

There is no excuse for letting this filth into the hands of your children. You must search their rooms, their belongings, and even between their mattresses. If you want to keep your children safe from the dangers of virulent homosexuality, you must administer the Antibiotic Of God. This powerful medicine is contained in the Pill Bottle of the Lord, the Holy Bible. Only the word of God can keep your children from catching homosexuality, especially after they have been infected by the words of someone like Dan Savage. I decided to learn more about this scribe of Satan’s poisonous writings. As it turns out, he is responsible for another horrible affront:

He does not like Santorum.

It is true. This man has launched a written offensive against on of my favorite people, Rick Santorum. How dare he! Dan Savage has orchestrated a campaign to besmirch the beloved Senator from Pennsylvania. In the column, “Savage Love”, he appealed to his depraved readers to spread a new and horrible meaning for the surname of the Senator. I will not elaborate in this forum, but the new reference is to a sickening supposed byproduct of homosexual fornication. This is not right. No man has the wherewithal to attempt to ruin the good name of such an upright and morally amazing human being. Do not delve further into this matter, good readers, I will update you if the situation warrants.

I will be your filter.

Let me keep you abreast of new developments from the camp of our liberal enemies. There is no need for you to expose yourself and your families to the filth that they produce. Trust in myself and Mr. Steele to tell you what you need to know. This blog should be your primary source of up-to-date and topical information.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Understanding Liberal Idiocy: Part III

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Note: If you missed them, be sure to read Part I and Part II.

Now that you better understand what makes liberals the way they are and how much of a threat they all pose, the only thing left to discuss is how to protect yourself and the ones you love from their evil and filthy clutches.

The first step in protecting your family is cutting off all access to the mainstream media. The media simply goes out of its way to make our beloved President Bush look foolish. It makes Republicans look like a pack of corrupt liars. It also bends over backwards trying to appease interest groups like homosexuals, women and minorities. The news is no longer Christian-friendly fare. The mainstream media only serves to weaken our godly conservative resolve and make us that much more susceptible to liberal brainwashing.

Where can you turn when you want to be informed about the world but not too informed?

There are a few sources of news and information you can turn to that won’t bombard you with vile liberal propaganda and provide you with only relevant facts. These sources are part of what I have previously deemed The Righteous Media. They include of course Fox News, and this blog among others.

A great idea for you and your family is to limit your blogging to Conservatives for American Values. We will tell you everything you need to know and absolutely nothing more.

The second step in countering the liberal threat is to constantly remain indignant. You can not allow your rage toward liberals to wane even for a second. Again, you can turn to this blog to fill you with enough discontent to continue fighting this great battle against liberals.

I will constantly remind you of what these godless unbelievers are trying to do to this country. Remember, America is the greatest of all nations. If there is anything that seems less than pure or awe-inspiring about America it is undoubtedly a result of the overwhelming dark cloud of liberalism raining down upon America’s pristine perfection.

The third and final step is to simply vote Republican. This step is just plain common sense. If we make sure that Republicans maintain the House, the Senate and the White House we can begin to stack the courts with Conservatives judges. Only once every branch of government (including judicial) is solidly Republican can we stand even a fighting chance against the great evil that is liberalism.

We are fighting a great and holy war against liberalism -- a war I personally have no intention of losing.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Understanding Liberal Idiocy: Part II

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Note: If you missed it, be sure to read Part I

At this point, you are probably asking yourself the question: “If liberals are simply dumber than conservatives, how much of a threat can they really pose?” You might assume that you can deal with liberals in much the same way you deal with any other slow individuals, by simply ignoring them. If only it were that simple.

The inferior liberal brain makes them very susceptible to the influence of the Dark Prince. The devil recognizes that through these uncritical simpletons he has a means to spread his own gospel of depravity.

Satan whispers to these willing liberals his unholy dogma of social responsibility, tolerance, and equality. He hisses into their ears: “The strong have a responsibility to care for the weak.” These empty-headed liberal vessels unblinkingly accept the Archfiend’s teachings and surrender their very souls to him. You must understand that Satan is often depicted an imposing red monster for a reason – He’s not only the ultimate evil, but he’s also a communist.

A liberal’s transformation happens very quickly after that; matted dreadlocks spring from the head of the liberal fool. On what used to be a cleanly shaven face a long scraggily beard appears. This corrupted former human now wears a hemp poncho and begins to care even less about hygiene than he does about God. Satan laughs to himself, another recruit for his army of darkness.

Liberals are a threat to everyone

The liberals may be morally and intellectually inferior but they are a very powerful and dark influence. They control the mainstream media. They control Hollywood. They control our schools. They also seek to control our minds.

We are surrounded daily by the corrupting influence of liberal ideas. Ivory tower professionals pass down daily judgment on the ways we live. Hollywood movies try to weaken our values. Liberals all over this country are fighting a war against God; trying to ban our Bibles and make even the utterance of the word “God” a capital crime.

If we succumb to any liberal ideas we damn ourselves. We seal our own fate if we allow any of these insidious thoughts to take root in our brains. Our brains would quickly become feminized and the transformation from upright conservative to traitorous liberal hippie would happen before anything could be done to stop it.

This can happen to you. This can happen to the ones you love. Liberals are one of the greatest threats to America, and we must stand together so we can collectively put a stop to all of this before it is too late.

Join me for Part III of this series where I discuss what we all can do to protect ourselves and our families from the liberal threat.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Understanding Liberal Idiocy: Part I

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Throughout history, generals and commanders alike have understood the tactical importance of knowing their enemy. These leaders understood that knowledge of the underlying weaknesses of their foes served to make them stronger and smarter in battle. This is why I now devote this time to forging an understanding of liberals.

I’m going to find out what exactly it is that makes liberals tick and why the way they tick is so very wrong. Is it a mental deficiency, a satanic influence, or are liberals simply born inferior? I am certain it is all of these things.

I will tackle these tough questions and try to understand why liberals hate this country so very much and despise our God. Join me, in this three part series: Understanding Liberal Idiocy.

What Makes a Person Liberal?

What exactly is liberalism -- Is this a contagious disease of the mind or simply a mental malformation? The answer to this question may surprise you.

The liberal brain works much differently than the brain of a conservative. The only part of the liberal brain that is active is the right side (or as I call it, the homosexual hemisphere). This is the part of the brain responsible for among other things artistic expression and creative thinking. This is also the side of the brain that is incapable of understanding right from wrong or even understanding the concept of freedom and the American way.

The liberal brain is more adept at understanding emotions than logical arguments. The liberal mind is much like the inferior mind of a woman who doesn't have a sensible man to help shape her opinions.

So does this mean that liberals are simply born with an innate and incurable idiocy? No, it means that they have a predisposition for stupidity. These people can be cured, but it takes rigorous mental training.

Liberals need to be taught how to process the world the way a conservative would. They need to understand how to absorb all the information around them and discard the facts that cloud the picture or even undermine the conservative worldview. The lack of an information filtering capability is one of the many things that makes the liberal brain so utterly useless.

You should now have a better understanding of how the liberal mind operates and if you’re a conservative, you now understand that God has blessed you with a working and functioning brain.

You probably think that with this superior conservative brain you’re safe from the liberal mind control of the mainstream media. You also probably think your family is also safe from this kind of dangerous and un-American thinking. Unfortunately, you would be dead wrong on both counts.

Join me for Part II of this series where I discuss the threat liberals pose to conservatives and America.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Fathers Day to Me

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Happy Fathers Day to Michael Gregory Steele, father of the year. I am a humble man, and rarely do I sing my own praises, but I certainly am deserving of recognition on this day. I am a great father.

I want to share with you what happened today with my youngest son Joseph.

Joseph is a precocious 8 year old but not too precocious. As has become the Fathers Day tradition, he presented a crude crayon drawing to me as a present. While I usually enjoy his clumsy caricature of me sitting in a chair reading the Bible, this year's left a lot to be desired.

"Joseph, can you honestly say this is the best you can do. Are you really proud of this?"

His reaction to this question serves as a testament to my superior parenting skill. He crumpled up that drawing in his tiny fist, and replied "No, sir, I'll go to my room and do better." He then immediately marched upstairs to start on another drawing. His blind obedience makes me so proud to be a father.

He finally presented me with a drawing that met my approval. "Well done, Joseph. Next year you'll have to earn money and get me a real present though." His only reply was a weak "Yes, sir." I patted him firmly on the back. What a great man Joseph is going to grow up to be, and what an amazing father I am.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Alaska Akbar!

by Herman B. Hayes

We have too many detainees.

So, what are we to do with them? We can keep them in the comfort of Gitmo, we can keep them in other friendly nations of similar climate, or we can just make them disappear. Really, though, none of the above options are of that much use to us. I have been doing quite a bit of thinking on this topic, and I feel that I have come to a perfect conclusion:

We should put them to work!

Specifically, we should put them to work in Alaska. Think about it, faithful readers. There is oil in Alaska, and there is oil in the terrorist incubators of the Middle East. So, the mind should automatically realize the possibilities of a detainee work force in northern Alaska. We need the oil, and the detainees need to do something to deserve the comfortable lodgings that our government has provided. I think we should make the detainees build our pipelines, derricks, and refineries in the Alaskan wilderness. Beyond the obvious, there is one other reason why this is a solid idea.

Muslims are afraid of polar bears.

You read it right. The Islamic Horde is terrified of the regal polar bear. The reasons are simple. Muslims look like seals, and if you are a polar bear, seals look like food. In a recent poll of Iranian-Americans (terrorists in waiting, I presume) over 98 percent of respondents said they were either “terrified” or “scared to death” of polar bears. Only the mighty bald eagle caused more self-soiling among the Jihad driven sand dune expatriates.

Desecrating their religious texts is mere child’s play in comparison to what I propose. If one of our angry brown guests refuses to tell us what they are guilty of…we should lock them in a room with a polar bear. We would rub them in seal fat first, of course. If I have ever had an impure or unpatriotic thought, I can only wish the same fate upon myself.

If any terrorist heathen should happen to read this, remember, America has a polar bear waiting for you, too. All good Americans realize that we are being far too soft on our mortal enemies. Due to all the liberal weenies out there, the public sentiment seems to be slightly against gladiatorial competition as a method of extracting vital information. This is sad.

There is nothing like the threat of dying at the hand of a fellow terrorist to make an evildoer talk. Another option, of course, would be to make our guests play tag football before a pleasant conversation with an American interrogator. Everyone loves to toss the ol’ pigskin around. So what if it is against the Moslem texts for a follower of Mohammed to touch the flesh or skin of a pig? It also says that killing innocent women and children is wrong, when you get right down to it.

So, let us review. Pigskin is “wrong”, gladiatorial combat is “cruel”. So, what does that leave us? Polar bears. I think we can all agree that everyone loves polar bears. Unless you happen to be a seal.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Flagrant Faggotry

by Herman B. Hayes

Conservative Christian Moral Emergency.

The homos are on the march!

Recently I was shopping for a new power saw and belt sander at my local Home Depot store. Now, I have always enjoyed my experience at this fine example of corporatization. Sadly, this would all change as I made my way to the gardening department to purchase a shovel.

It all started with a simple mistake, really. I was unable to find the particular shovel I was looking for, one that is not made by communist heathens or Mexicans, that is. I approached a clean-cut young man who happened to be wearing what first appeared to be a Home Depot tee-shirt. It had the same style of lettering, the same orange block, everything. Imagine my pure, unadulterated horror when I realized that the shirt did not read “The Home Depot” as I expected.

The shirt read “The Homo Depot.”

It would appear that he was there to sell a different kind of lumber. I was mortified, and after vomiting into a gorgeous terra-cotta planter, I quickly fled the gardening department. I was very fearful that the seeds of homofaguality may have spread to my arrow-straight self. I ran straight to the band saws, and briefly entertained the thought of self-decapitation. While my neck was in front of the blade, I saw a glorious sight. A family; a father, a mother, and two children. The Lord had reminded me that there is hope. I stood up. I laughed. I moved on. I will never forget, though.

You should devote all that I write to memory, dear pupils of my wisdom. If you cannot, though, at least remember this:

Sodomites can be subtle.

It would appear that the homosexual army has discovered a new tactic. Guerrilla sodomy may well be their new tactic in the constant war on God and morality. The gays are taking their cue from our terrorist enemies in the newly democratic Iraq. We now face this threat at home, in the form of homo-insurgents. They could be anywhere, as evidenced above. Remember what our dear leader President Bush said:

We must remain vigilant.

Be on the lookout for clandestine faggotry in your neighborhood, your schools, your workplace, and even your home. They have learned to blend in. They look like us, they talk like us, they walk like us, and they are more dangerous to our freedom and way of life than ever.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Double Shot Treason

by Herman B. Hayes

They brew wonderful coffees, teas, and other delicious drinks. They provide refreshment, and a place to relax. There is only one problem with the ubiquitous coffee shop.

They also brew treason.

It is true. America’s coffee shops have become hotbeds of anti-American activities. They provide liberals and the godless heathens a safe haven in which to meet and discuss the takeover of our great and God fearing nation. Yesterday, I took a clandestine trip to my local coffee shop, aptly called “The Whispering Storm.” I dressed to fit in with the local crowd, wearing a beat up looking vintage (trash can) tee-shirt, dirty pants, and no deodorant. I almost made the tactical error of taking a shower and washing my hair before leaving my house, but I remembered to stay dirty.

I parked my Cadillac a couple of blocks away, and made my final approach on foot. Shuffling sloppily towards the front door, I attempted to remove all traces of intelligence from my visage. (For a person of my amazing intellect, this is practically impossible, but I managed.) It took me a moment to find the door handle, as the entire entrance was gaudily festooned with photocopied papers advertising the upcoming performances of bands. Mind you, these were bands with names like “Anti-Flag,” the “Treason Trixies,” and the “Defecate On All That America Stands For and Molest Your Neighbor’s Daughter Trio.” It was more than obvious what kind of situation I was walking into.

I was entering a den of treason.

This modest looking “coffee shop” was in fact a brothel of the mind. I had no idea how horrible my adventure would soon turn out to be. I entered the shop, walked up to the counter, and ordered an iced treason, which they had labeled as “iced tea.” I had no intention of imbibing this vile liberal libation, but I needed it to blend in as I gathered information on this evil gathering. All around I saw groups of liberals quietly discussing the destruction of the American way of life. Some were old, some were young, all were worthy of a good stint in a detention center. I sat at a stool near one group, and overhead the following conversation. The names have been changed so the people involved will not know that their phones have been tapped, their library records checked, and their friends interrogated:
Tina: Mmm...This is good coffee.
Pete: Yes it is, and I hate Jesus and our government.
Tina: Really? I hate Jesus and our government too!
Pete: I think that our government is not always correct.
Tina: I know! Sometime they make errors of judgment.
Pete: Sometimes Bush makes mistakes, and then won’t apologize.
Tina: For sure. Sometimes he sounds like a babbling idiot.
Pete: I cannot wait for the next election, so that we can change course through a legal and democratic process.
Tina: Hooray for elections!
Pete: Hooray for democracy!
As you can plainly see, dear readers, these Satanist liberals are guilty of treason! They dare, in a public space no less, to make disparaging comments about our beloved leader, and even about Jesus. I nearly throttled them both with my bare hands, but I was on a mission. I thought that things could get no worse. Eavesdropping on other conversations had yielded nothing but the same treasonous oral effluence. Moreover, I needed to urinate.

I made my way through the crowd of sinners, and to be honest I would have felt safer in a mosque. I entered their fetid washroom, stood before the urinal, and almost died. There, before my eyes, was a sticker. This was not some cuddly bear sticker, or even a Mr. Yuck. It was a photo of our dear President Bush, with the caption “Terrorist.”

I came to on the bathroom floor, shaking like a leaf. I removed the cell-phone that I was carrying in an ankle holster, and called the local F.B.I. field office, which I have on speed dial. They told me that they would “check it out.” This means that whoever placed this treasonous self-adhesive travesty on the wall will be dragged off to a detention center and spoken to “gently.” Good for them.

I have no idea how I got out of the treason-shop. I found myself leaning on my silver Cadillac, letting the warm rays of the God-given sun lift my spirits. I had entered the belly of the beast. I had seen the enemy. I had survived. I knew their tactics. We need to know all that we can about our liberal enemies. To finish, remember these words from my dear late father:

Knowing is half the battle.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Thank You, Liberal Commenters

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It seems that everyone has their own opinion about the issues brought up in this blog. Some of these opinions are completely wrong others are just somewhat wrong. It just goes to show that Herman and I are the only ones with enough wisdom to cast moral judgment.

Reading some of the comments left on this blog, I can see that you liberals feed upon sarcasm and irony in much the same way you feed upon the souls of dead fetal children. You love that smug feeling of self-satisfaction you get when you come up with a fact you think I've overlooked. You also love that feeling of intellectual superiority you get when you think you've exposed some sort of hypocrisy on this blog.

Here's a message to all you Chomsky reading granola munchers: I am not impressed.

Don't despair though enemies of God, your idiotic rantings do in fact serve a purpose. Your comments really do help to inspire me. What truly drives this blog is not ideas, but a healthy dose of righteous indignation.

I'll be honest with you; there are some days that I feel like I don't have enough bile to write a blog post that is truly worthy of God. But reading some of the liberal comments left on this blog is just as effective as me picturing Michael Moore waving around an American flag and then using pages from a Bible he just defecated on to ignite it.

Thank you all, and thank you God for creating these idiots to help inspire me.

Note: Starting next Monday I will start a policy of only allowing new comments on the 10 most recent posts. If you feel the need to state your own foolish opinion on an older post; I suggest you do it soon.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Howard Dean, Frothing Maniac

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Ever since being elected as chairman to the DNC, Howard Dean has really been on a roll. He has bashed Republicans with one ridiculous remark after another. I think it's high time that Michael Gregory Steele cut through his rhetoric and take Mr. Dean to task for some of his recent remarks.
1. "Republicans... a lot of them have never made an honest living in their lives"
I am a much respected businessman, so I personally take great offense to this one. I may not have ever done "manual labor" or whatever the poor calls it these days, but I do work honestly. Just because I make a great deal more money for doing less physically demanding work doesn't mean my work is dishonest. Howard Dean is obviously just jealous of my great wealth, which I honestly deserve.
2. "I Hate What The Republicans Are Doing To This Country. I Really Do."
What exactly does Howard Dean hate so much about what we're doing to this country?
  • Does he hate that we're cleaning up America by trying to get rid of the gays?
  • Does he hate that we're responsibly curtailing the civil liberties of our citizens to keep this country terrorist free?
  • Does he hate that we're spreading democracy through force just because we can?
  • Does he hate that we're rewarding those who deserve it the most: the wealthy?
  • Does he hate that we're weakening environment laws to remove unnecessary restraints on business?
What is it that this guy hates about the new utopian world we are all building together? We're just helping to transform this country into what God truly wants it to be. Dean doesn't hate Republicans; he hates America and he hates God.
3. "They All Look The Same. It’s Pretty Much A White Christian Party."
That it were so, Howard, that it were so. While the party is overwhelmingly white Christian, it simply is not overwhelmingly white Christian enough for this white Christian.
The purpose of this statement was not to point out the lack of diversity in the GOP. No, the key phrase here is "pretty much."

We've come so far since we were the regrettable "party of Lincoln" but Howard Dean cruelly reminds us we still have a little further to go.

As you can see from the above statements, Howard Dean is a frothing maniac and an absolute disgrace. He's godless, anti-American, and completely morally deficient. I believe Howard Dean to be a perfect representative for the Democratic Party.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Moral Mailbox: Arguing With a Liberal

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Here's the Moral Mailbox question of the week:
I'm a lifelong republican and my roommate is a democrat. I always end up feeling stupid in political arguments because he knows more about current events. Are there any tips you can give me to help me make my points? -Brian

First, Brian, let me share with you how great of a debater I am. I often hone my skills while just walking down the street. If I happen to spot someone with a beard wearing a Phish t-shirt then I immediately step up to him and say something along the lines of: "President Bush is certainly the greatest American ever to have lived, wouldn't you agree?" This statement never fails to agitate an unwashed hippie.

Our conversation always ends with this hippie walking away with his tail between his legs and me cleverly shouting: "Maybe if you didn't smoke so much pot you could at least lose a debate while making a coherent argument." Idiot liberals.

So what's the secret to my incredible rhetorical prowess? A true answer to that question could fill an entire book. While I can't reveal all of my secrets for making liberals feel like the idiots they are, I will share one of my more powerful techniques: the use of a hyperbolic anecdote.

This technique will work in almost any argument. The trick is to use an invented story that emphasizes failure or abuse of a liberal idea/program or the successes of a conservative idea/program.

Here's a prime example of what you could say when arguing against abortion:
Did you hear that news story about those two women who had an abortion contest. It's true. Two women in New York had a contest to see who could get pregnant and then have the most abortions in a 6 month period. I'm serious. Do you know what the "winner" of this contest got? A hamburger at McDonalds. Absolutely reprehensible, and that's why abortions should be illegal in all cases.

Is the preceding story true? Not to my knowledge. What really matters though is that this can be used to imply that such abuse is so common as to make abortion indefensible even for a liberal.

Use this trick as often as possible, Brian, it should serve you well. Remember even though you're making up a story that never happened, be sure to mention to your roommate that it was featured in dozens of newspapers. This it plays on a key weakness of liberals. They never like to admit that they may be uninformed about a story featured in the newspapers.

Send your own moral queries to: The Moral Mailbox.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Blogroll of Iniquity

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I have long hesitated to add links to other blogs on this site. I figured that doing so would signal to my readers that they can't get all the moral and political information they would need from this one blog. It would imply to my followers that a visit to another blog might be necessary to understand all sides of a particular issue. This assumption would be flat wrong, and that is why I made the decision never to link to other blogs (even conservative ones).

Unfortunately a problem has arisen that has forced me to reverse this decision.

It seems that this very blog is being linked to from other liberal blogs. I have to say, it's an absolute honor to be recognized by such morally deficient miscreants. It's like receiving an enthusiastic thumbs-up from the Prince of Darkness himself.

In case you didn't pick up on the sarcasm above, let me just state for the record that: I do not like being mocked by liberals and I never seek approval from Satan.

Those pretentious liberals mock this blog, they call the posts here satire. They do not accept Michael Gregory Steele or Herman Hayes as their unquestioned moral arbitrators. They attack everything we stand for, and also everything this country stands for.

I will not sit idly by while I am persecuted at the hands of godless unbelievers. I shall make an example of them. They shall be placed upon a mantle of scorn for all to see. Look to your right for prime examples of why God created hell. Thus is born, The Blogroll of Iniquity.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Libertarians Are Castrated Republicans

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

A common misconception among the unenlightened is that Libertarians are essentially Republicans. This idea could not be further from the truth.

Of course members of the Libertarian Party believe in some of the more noble principles of conservativism. For example, they believe very strongly in privatization. They too understand that a company's pursuit of its own economic self-interest always serves the greater good. They also understand that welfare is for the weak, gun control is for cowards, and environmentalism is for asthmatic crybabies.

These libertarians sound like pretty level-headed individuals. I can even almost overlook their calls for drug decriminalization. But there's one simple fact that I can not ignore: they believe in small government and civil liberties more than God.

They don't understand that federal control isn't always a bad thing if it enforces God's law. For example, if a federal law was created that deported all homosexuals that would be an example of good government control. Libertarians seem unable to see it this way.

A libertarian is a conservative without the moral authority of God to back his ideas.

A tax cut is just a tax cut for Libertarians. When you're a Republican, a tax cut is a moral imperative handed down from the Lord Jesus Christ himself. The difference is huge. The difference makes Libertarian arguments for the same issues baseless and moronic.

Libertarians are castrated Republicans, because they lack the power and force of real Republicans. Without God to give legitimacy to their politics, they are as morally weak and insignificant as Democrats.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

John Kerry, Miserable Failure

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Well it seems that the pompous pseudo-intellectual who tried to turn this great country into a communist state didn't quite make the grade in college. John F. Kerry (the F of course standing for failure) has finally released his college transcript.

It turns out that John "Pinko Imbecile" Kerry had a cumulative average of 76 at Yale. Yes, that's right, a paltry 76!!. Contrast that with George W. Bush's stellar average of about 77 from his time at Yale, and I think you can see which of these two men the real "deep thinker" is.

Now, a little more background on George W. Bush's academic achievement; He graduated summa cum laude (highest honors) in 1968 and was awarded the prestigious "Yale Award for Dipsomaniacal Excellence." It was clear even back then that this was a man destined for greatness.

So what really is the point of ridiculing John "Droopy Jowls" Kerry like this? The election is over, and President Bush secured himself a mandate (capturing an astonishing 51% of the popular vote). George W. Bush won the presidency as God intended, so why do I continue to waste my time with petty name calling? Well, it's quite simple; John "Purple Heart Winning War Vet" Kerry is un-American and quite possibly a terrorist.

John "Parisian Pansy" Kerry had the gall to run against our Commander in Chief during a time of war. This was an act tantamount to treason. I can never forgive this traitorous act, and I will never forget.

Therefore, whenever the opportunity presents itself, I will mock this "man." I personally can't think of any greater show of patriotism than making fun of John "the Flip-Flopping Homo" Kerry, and if you have any love for this country you'll do the same.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

We Should Electrify the Rio Grande.

by Herman B. Hayes

As usual, I will start my post with one irrefutable point:

Mexicans are a threat to all of us.

You heard me. Mexicans are bad news. They are lazy, mean, disease ridden, and coming to a city near you. America is under assault. We are being attacked by an invasion force from the south. This is an invasion force made of maids, migrant workers, drug dealers, car thieves, and con artists.

We do not need a new lower class.

America already has a lower class population to do the work that civilized people don't want to do. We do not need to let dirty Mexicans in to do this. Where will the lower class Americans find work when all of the dirty, dangerous, and otherwise undesirable jobs are taken? At least the American lower class pays taxes! Let us not forget, though, that they pay less now under the leadership of our wise President Bush. Mexicans do not pay taxes.

Some states, though, like that liberal enclave of California, are suggesting that we should give these illegal aliens drivers licenses. Fah! This is the second most stupid thing I have ever heard in regards to the illigalos latinos. The most stupid thing is, of course, allowing them into our hospitals to receive care for stabbing and impregnating each other in one of their daily drunken rages. Load em on busses, and send em back!

I would rather train a chimpanzee.

If I had to choose between letting a Mexican into my home and personally training a chimpanzee to work in my garden and clean my pool...I would train the monkey. At least I would never have to hear this from Bleepers the Chimp:
Pedro: I gonna cut you, mang.
Pablo: No, mang, I gonna cut YOU, mang.
Pedro: Lets get drunk, mang.
Pablo: Lets make some babies with chicas we don't know.
Pedro: We can steal a car from an Americano.
Pablo: Yea, mang, yea.

What to do?

Simple. Send the ones that are here back home, then lock down the border. Our border with the Mexican hive is too porous. We must electrify the river. We must strengthen the fences. We need land mines, machine guns, and Dobermans. We need helicopter gunships. We are at war here, people. We are at war with Mexico! Viva America!

Monday, June 06, 2005

Moral Mailbox: Talking To Your Kids About Sex

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I seem to have hit a nerve with my Rainbow Party post, because I received a panicked email from a mother about it this morning. Her question is subject of the moral mailbox this week:

I read about the rainbow parties and I'm concerned that my son will go to an orgy. I want my kid to be safe, how should I talk to him about sex? I just don't know what to do, please help. - Ann

This question reminds me of the day that Michael Jr. brought home a note from his school. I had broken that rambunctious will of his long ago, so I was confused. How could he have gotten himself into trouble? But he wasn't misbehaving, it was a note about his school's sexual education (indoctrination) program.

I knew I had to act fast, so I called my son into the den so we could have the dreaded sex talk. I had him take a seat on the couch next to me, and I opened up a book to show to him. This was medical tome about infectious diseases complete with pictures. I made sure he saw every picture in that book. "No, Michael Jr, don't turn your head; you need to see what happens if you don't abstain from sex."

It can be hard being a good parent sometimes.

I based my sex talk on what works, abstinence-only education. The infinitely wise President George W. Bush has pushed for abstinence programs to be taught in all our schools. This means bringing up contraceptives only to talk about their lack of effectiveness and failure rates.

Liberals try to argue that these programs are actually highly ineffective. Many of these same godless hippies also complain about the misleading and inaccurate information included in many of these abstinence-only curriculums. My take is that overstating the danger is the only way to instill a healthy fear of sex in our children. Our children aren't frightened nearly enough, and that's something that we need to correct.

Here are some statistics to help scare your child into never having sex:
  • Condoms are only 12% effective if not used correctly, and 8% effective if used correctly.
  • 92% of children who have premarital sex end up with the deadly combination of genital warts, gonorrhea, and blindness.
  • Taking birth control increases the likelihood of pregnancy by about 85%.
  • God gets 114% angry at those who have sex.
Remember, Ann, if you handle this sex talk correctly, your child will have a strong aversion to sex for many years to come.

Send your own moral queries to: The Moral Mailbox.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Censoring Satan

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Well, dear readers, I am officially outraged. It seems that these liberals never rest when it comes to morally corrupting our children. Who or what, you may ask, is the target of my animosity today? Well, I’m angry about a book I’ve seen all over the news lately. I'm talking about a book called Rainbow Party.

Now, the title of this book seems to suggest a homosexual social gathering. Don’t be fooled, this book is about something nearly as sinister: heterosexual teen orgies.

The book gets its title from the teen girls in the story who wear different shades of lipstick in order to turn the boys’ jimmys into colored candy canes of wickedness. Has this writer no decency?

The book ends with STDs running rampant throughout the school. Nice bit of holy retribution here, but too little too late to save this ungodly pamphlet of perversion.

So why am I outraged about a book that preaches an anti-sex message, isn’t in any school library, or even being stocked in many of the major bookstores? The answer is quite simple: because it deals with sex and its very existance threatens our children.

Once the liberal teachers realize there's another book with which they can poison the minds of our children, you can bet it will find its way onto the summer reading lists. The only recourse we have is to make sure this sort of filth is never written in the first place. We need to petition our leaders to legislate stricter punishments against those who would produce obscene works such as this.

While I haven’t read the book myself, from the news stories I’ve seen about it, I can safely say that is in fact obscene. I shall not attempt to further define pornography, but I know it when I hear a 2nd hand account of it in a news story.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Amnesty International is a Terrorist Group.

by Herman B. Hayes

You read it right.

Remember what our dear leader said in the wake of the September 11 attacks? It is true that if you do not agree with the ideals or actions of our Holy President Bush, you must be a terrorist. Amnesty International says that what our nation is doing to protect itself is wrong. Well, face this simple fact, you liberal sissies:

Amnesty International does not agree. Therefore, they must be terrorists.

They are making the claim that it is wrong of us to imprison people without trial for an unlimited amount of time, while performing actions against them that are illegal in the United States. This is very simple, folks. We do not want these detainees inside of our country. All of you have a bathroom in your home, right? Yes. I am assuming that you do not defecate on your dining room table. This all harkens back to an old saying, which I have censored here for public consumption. "Do not produce feces in the place where you eat." Get the point? We do not want people like the detainees in our country, so we store them in third-world bathroom nations. In reality, everyone that is currently housed in Gitmo, or any other facility, was directly involved in the 9-11 attacks. We just need them to admit to it, so we can execute them.

How dare they?

Amnesty International has insulted every God-fearing person in this great nation of ours. This is simply another example of meddling in the internal affairs of the United States. In my most humble opinion, the agents of terror that wrote this report should, in fact, spend some time in one on our gulags...ehm...Detention centers. No other nation or group should ever presume that they can dictate policy to the Most Holy Republican Controlled Government of the US of A. Idiot liberal foreigners.

In praise of our leaders:

I feel the need now to praise our great American leaders. They did not even pause to consider that Amnesty International might have had a point. They quickly leapt to their collective feet, and hurled the pages of the liar's ledger into the fire. Using terms such as ridiculous and reprehensible, our leaders dismissed the claims against us. This is how true leadership operates. This is straight shooting Republicanism at its best.

This is America.

This report is a foolish bit of fluff designed by a terrorist organization to confuse and blind some of our more weak minded citizens. We must simply ignore this weapon of words. It cannot hurt us, it cannot alter our course, and it cannot release the detainees that we keep in cages on foreign soil in order to preserve our way of life. We are America. We will do what we want. No one can stop us. Not now, not ever. Sometimes people need to be locked up for freedom. That is simply how the world works.

Friday, June 03, 2005

We All Need More Santorum.

by Herman B. Hayes

I do not often dole out praise in this blog, but I am feeling especially fond of someone today. That special someone is Rick Santorum. I will start off with this message for all of my dear readers:

I love Santorum.

Senator Rick Santorum makes me feel even better about being a Conservative. We should all aspire to be more like this great man. Well, the rest of you should aspire, as I am already at his level. I cannot wait for my doses of Santorum. I await his words of wisdom, brought to us from the hallowed halls of congress. He is a conservative's conservative.

He is a man of conviction.

Senator Santorum is not a weak or shallow man. His waters run deep. He is never afraid to speak his mind on any given topic, even topics of which he has not the faintest understanding. These topics are few in number, mind you. Senator Santorum hates gays and loves babies, even dead ones. This leads me into my next topic:

Rick Santorum is a great dad.

It is true. Rick Santorum is a great dad. I have such a deep respect for any man that will bring home his dead child, and make his family kiss and cuddle the small being. He and his wife then slept through the night, holding their little bundle of joy close between them. I must admit, everyone, I am not sure that even I would have to moral fortitude to bring home my dead child, and treat it just like any other newborn. I probably would have cried, mourned, and buried my newborn, never to forget him. Rick Santorum may be even more tolerant than myself. He is capable of loving all the children of the world. Why should we spurn the stillborn segment of our population? We all need a little more Santorum in us.

Thank you, Senator Santorum, and please, keep up your great work.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Moral Mailbox: Should I Receive Welfare?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Here the moral mailbox question for this week:

"I recently was laid off from work. The unpaid bills are starting to mount and I am quickly going into debt. In this time of need, I'm starting to look into social welfare programs. As a Conservative, however, this feels disgustingly wrong. Should I risk being perceived as a liberal and feed my family or starve and remain loyal to my political beliefs?" - Tom

I'm going to be honest with you, Tom, because I'm a straight shooter. I don't mince my words, and I tell it like it is. I definitely don't hesitate to dispense a little tough love or compassionate conservatism when it's necessary. I'd also like to state for the record that I'm a salt of the earth fellow who says what he means, and means what he says.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Tom, you are a lazy and worthless individual.

So far as I can tell, the market is telling me that you're an unproductive and unimportant member of society. I'm inclined to agree with the market on this one.

The one thing you don't want to do is ask for a handout from the government. All social programs do is enable you to continue to be the pathetic slug of a man that you are now. Your family would much rather have a real man heading their household than food on the table.

Luckily, you live in the land of opportunity. You can easily find a new job, even though you surely don't deserve one. Just do what I do whenever I grow tired of a job. Call on your dad's friends to help.

Surely your dad knows a CEO or high placed upper management type who can find a position for you. I also have a rolodex full of high powered Republican friends who could help land me a cushy government job. Use your own established contacts; that's what they're for.

Just one thing: Don't come to me looking for a job. I won't even interview you. I have a strict policy against hiring lazy and utterly worthless people to work for me. Nothing personal, Tom, but you stopped being a Conservative the day that you stopped working.

Note: Send in those moral mailbox questions, we'll be answering another one on Monday.