Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Fathers Day to Me

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Happy Fathers Day to Michael Gregory Steele, father of the year. I am a humble man, and rarely do I sing my own praises, but I certainly am deserving of recognition on this day. I am a great father.

I want to share with you what happened today with my youngest son Joseph.

Joseph is a precocious 8 year old but not too precocious. As has become the Fathers Day tradition, he presented a crude crayon drawing to me as a present. While I usually enjoy his clumsy caricature of me sitting in a chair reading the Bible, this year's left a lot to be desired.

"Joseph, can you honestly say this is the best you can do. Are you really proud of this?"

His reaction to this question serves as a testament to my superior parenting skill. He crumpled up that drawing in his tiny fist, and replied "No, sir, I'll go to my room and do better." He then immediately marched upstairs to start on another drawing. His blind obedience makes me so proud to be a father.

He finally presented me with a drawing that met my approval. "Well done, Joseph. Next year you'll have to earn money and get me a real present though." His only reply was a weak "Yes, sir." I patted him firmly on the back. What a great man Joseph is going to grow up to be, and what an amazing father I am.


At June 19, 2005 9:58 PM, Blogger Random Personae said...

Before you praise your parenting skills, think of this: Don't you think Joseph is a bit old for crayons? A child with any worth should be doing oil paintings by age 8.

At June 19, 2005 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

but there's a problem here...what if there's an analogous situation where joseph tells his two life partner dad's "sure..i'll come back with more milk in the latte and assert more socialist/anti-american vitriol in my essay" or "sure, i'll make sure that everyone of those stars on the american flag are lit when i burn it"

shouldn't joseph stand up to them in that situation?

At June 19, 2005 10:23 PM, Blogger Zigurut said...

Would you write for my magazine ( You could be a special contributor or something. Please contact me

At June 20, 2005 6:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Random personae:
For God sake, think! Oil painting? Why don't you put a dress on him, shove an apple in his mouth and drop him off at a NAMBLA meeting?!?

Michael, I strongly suspect that "Random" here is a liberal mole. I expect you'll be informing the authorities.

At June 20, 2005 9:26 AM, Blogger Doug said...

Happy Fathers day and congartulations. Having no children, I really shouldn't comment but I'm concerned that you let Joseph color in his own room with no supervision. Do you really know what all he's doing there? And how do you prevent him from using the wrong colors? And what if he draws a daisy?

At June 20, 2005 1:55 PM, Anonymous George W. Bush said...

That's a good start, but are you strict enough? Whenever Ah didn't complete a task to perfection, mah daddy would whack mah peepee. Ah didn't lahk it then but it made me a better Christian.

At June 20, 2005 9:11 PM, Blogger Jaime said...

i love your original fiction.

At June 20, 2005 10:56 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

random personae,
You can criticize this blog, you can even criticize my ideas but the one thing you can not do is criticize my child.

On second thought, you cannot criticize this blog or my ideas as both are beyond reproach.

At June 20, 2005 10:59 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

"george w bush",
I do not believe you are the real George W. Bush and have a sneaking suspicion that you are in fact not even a conservative.

This kind of subterfuge is absolutely unacceptable and has no place here.

At June 21, 2005 10:24 PM, Blogger Bad Penny said...

I hope you spanked him soundly for under achievieng to begin with.

At June 22, 2005 11:59 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

bad penny,
Of course I physically discipline my children, any good parent does. There is no better way to break their will then a few good thrashings.

You'll notice my son didn't react with some sort of weepy outburst after I told him his drawing was terrible. He knew what would happen if I heard anything other than a "Yes sir" come out of his mouth.

At June 23, 2005 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please let it be known: The infallible Dr. James Dobson, in regard to child-rearing, teaches that we should shape the spirit WITHOUT breaking the will. It's not right to judge another human, even with sarcasm, but you sound like a truely wonderful father.

At June 23, 2005 6:20 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: I have news for you, although I have great respect for his parenting tips and his principled hatred of homosexuality, I am not James Dobson.

I am in fact the man that James Dobson wishes he could be.

At December 27, 2008 9:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually ,you are a terrible father. That is hainus ,and again ,should probably burn in hell.
Learn to treat people with some fucking respect. Maybe if you do ,your kids won't end up as fucked up as you are.

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