Lord, Please Silence These Fools

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Dear Lord, please quiet the foolish tongues of all non-Christians and unbelievers. Render mute all homosexuals and fornicators so that the minds of your children will remain pure and chaste. Still the tongues of all who refuse to praise your name.

This is a prayer that could never be uttered in an American public school, despite the urgent need for these very words to be spoken.

There was a time when the school day could begin with a prayer like this. There was also a time when the teachings of Christ actually played a role in the classroom. Now the only thing a Bible can be used for is kindling in teachers’ lounge to help warm the teachers as they figure out new and creative ways to indoctrinate your children.

One of the major reasons for this damnable legal shift is that Christians don’t quite make up as overwhelming a majority as they used to. Ignoring non-Christians was a whole lot easier when the American Muslim population didn’t exist or when religious diversity consisted of one crazy unbeliever/outcast that lived in the woods and conversed with forest animals. Supposedly even a nut like this has the right to worship Satan as he sees fit.

But this very argument that prayer shouldn’t be allowed in schools because it silences religious minorities makes me laugh. I not only laugh because the argument itself is ridiculous, but also because the thought is so very pleasing to me. Just picture it – non-Christians being shamed into submission and having shut their damn yaps for a change. Cue the halleluiah chorus.

The courts also seem to think that making non-Christians say Christian prayers is religious coercion and violates the so-called separation of Church and State. Apparently these same activist judges seem to think it is also their duty to protect these religious minorities from the imposition of Christian values. This interferes though, with my duty to impose my Christian values on everyone around me. So it seems we have a very serious dilemma.

You see, I understand this school prayer argument perfectly. I acknowledge that the lone Muslim kid in the classroom might feel a bit isolated sitting alone in a corner while the rest of his class is lead in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. But frankly the thought of little Osama Jr. being teased on the playground isn’t enough to make me overlook the importance of giving our children a good moral education. Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or find another place to play ball, kid!

Honestly, the problem with this whole argument is that we absolutely shouldn’t be protecting children from such experiences. On the contrary we need make sure this happens much more often. We need to use peer pressure to drive a few more unbelievers into the flock. The separation of Church and State thing wasn’t as rigidly enforced when everybody had the correct idea of what the Church part of this equation should be (Church = Christ for the mathematically disinclined). Only if we can be more aggressive in our conversion efforts and eliminate the overabundance of religious diversity in this country can we return to education centered on Jesus Christ.

Lord, I pray that if you do not see fit to cleanse and purify these vermin so that you may bring them into your flock, please ensure that their cries are unheard by the ears of your true followers. Make them go away, God, just make them all go away. Amen.

Judge Hands Terrorists the Keys to Your Home

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Since it’s a known fact that Democrats can’t win elections, they score political victories the only way they can: through the justice system. We’ve seen this sad fact played out yet again as last week another liberal ruling has been handled down by the courts; a ruling that directly translates to the deaths of millions of Americans.

Despite what you may think, this particular ruling has nothing to do with abortion or a mother’s so-called right to commit fetuscide. No, it seems that liberals are no longer content to just kill unborn Americans; they apparently want too see the rest of us dead as well.

The liberal commitment to the destruction of the American way of life was shown again as Judge Anna Diggs Taylor (a woman no less) recently ruled that the Bush administration’s use of warrantless wire taps is both illegal and unconstitutional. In case you’re wondering, this ruling does in fact seal the fate of all Americans. This out of control activist woman judge with the help of the ACLU (surprise, surprise) have just handed al Queda the keys to your house. The most you can hope for at this point is that the terrorists don’t track mud onto your nice carpet as they sneak into your home to slit your throat while you sleep.

President Bush’s response to this travesty of justice was of course firm, direct, and completely correct:

“[Opponents of the NSA surveillance program] simply don’t understand the nature of the world we live in… We must give those whose responsibility it is to protect the United States the tools necessary to protect this country in a time of war”

I couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. In fact, the single biggest problem with the Constitution in general is that those who originally drafted it had a pre-9/11 mindset. We live in a very different world now and we can’t allow ourselves to be constrained by the civil rights of America’s citizens. Sorry liberal traitors, if we actually want to defeat this enemy and spread freedom and democracy across the globe we no longer have the luxury of a right to privacy. Deal with it.

While the implications of this ruling are terrifying, if there’s one thing I know about President Bush, it’s that he won’t allow this to prevent him from protecting America. He’ll find a way around this Constitution problem and defeat our Islamist foes. Until he does though, your personal terror level should remain somewhere between “completely incapacitated by fear” and “soiling your pants.”

I, on the other hand, shall remain strong in the face of our impending doom. I personally understand that protecting the principles of an outdated piece of parchment like the Constitution simply doesn’t matter in the context of the War on Terror. I know this, the President knows this, and you should know this. I just pray that until the President is able to address this, that the terrorists will limit their inevitable orgy of destruction to the godless liberals who support this ruling.