Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:

I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”

First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)

Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.