Sunday, December 03, 2006

Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:
I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”
First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)
Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.

75 Comments:

At December 03, 2006 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you Brother Hayes for reminding us that the All-Smitey Lord God respects Life so much that He will kill you if you don't do the same.

 
At December 04, 2006 4:27 AM, Blogger Bukko_in_Australia said...

Dear Michael: I think you have been the victim of a hoax by a devilish sexual pervert. No one who actually suffered from this shameful sin would write to a godly man such as yourself and CONFESS it! Even the Papists might shrink from going into their gilded toilet booths and admitting it to one of those poncy priests with the funny hats and girly dresses, unless they were looking to get a little of what the catamites dished out to little boys in their care.

No, Michael, I think you were punked by a homosexual liberal (is there any other kind?) who WANTED you to think of his slimy, stinking seed staining the sheets. Somewhere out there is a sweaty-palmed sicko who's probably touching himself in an unclean way as he chuckles thinking that he has besmirched your brain. Michael, it's as if this onanist has ejaculated his evil essence into your imagination! A homo would love to get this close psychically to a man as handsome as you because there is no way he could do it physically...

Aaaah -- and now the sticky stuff is in my brain! The sin has touched me and I didn't even touch myself! Please erase your latest lesson before it infects others with the images of damp squirty midnight undies!

 
At December 04, 2006 7:28 AM, Blogger Scott-O-Rama said...

I thought that if I touched myself it made Jesus have to kill a kitten.

Good thing I don't like kittens!

 
At December 04, 2006 9:50 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: While I can't too much offense to being mistaken for morally upright friend Herman Hayes, it does anger me that praise that I'm not receiving praise that is rightfully mine.

My name is Michael Gregory Steele. Since I have such a soft spot in my heart for morons, I'll allow you to address me as Mr. Steele.

 
At December 04, 2006 9:52 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

bukko_in_australia: Do you think I'm new at this? I've been fighting against the homosexual agenda for years and I am well aware of all the disgusting tricks they use. The only victim here is you. You are a victim of your own sinful imagination.

Just because you are too morally weak to even discuss a Biblical passage without your thoughts turning to depraved sexual acts does not mean that I am the same way. How dare you presume that I am.

scott-o-rama: Kittens, you, it doesn't matter as long as someone or something pays for the crime.

 
At December 04, 2006 1:06 PM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

So, then the question becomes how we deal these sub-human abominations?

The reason why God has not done so himself is because we love evil men by paying the lazy. We brutally murder the unborn with no remorse and do not stone liberals(homosexuals). The reason God has not punished these people is because he is punishing the rest of us.

If God does not slay these monsters, then who will? I'd say we must in order that God may return to our great white (when the browness of some white people
s hair and eyes shows that God has shit on us for our iniquity) christian nation.

 
At December 04, 2006 4:57 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Well, after the last post, I was sure I had come up with the perfect answer to this dilemna, and this one has reinforced my determination to solve this pressing problem.

The only problem is, it's only been three days, and I'm already running out of room in my freezer. You'd be surprised how much room vials of semen can take up.

It feels so good, but unfortunately now I have no restraint. Masturbation is getting to be a habit, gosh darn it.

But at least all those milions of potential living babies shoud someday find a womb to call home, as oppossed to just being wiped up with tissue and flushed.

 
At December 04, 2006 7:21 PM, Blogger Bukko_in_Australia said...

Mr. Steele, I am not worthy. I should have known you were too cunning to let a homosexual take you in! If I was wherever you are in the Northern Hemisphere, I would have to get on my knees before you.

 
At December 04, 2006 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pagan Temple, yet again, makes a retarded comment. At least I know I can always count on a visit to the comment pages to feel better about my intellectual capacities. Way to be a moron.

 
At December 05, 2006 10:12 AM, Anonymous OneEye said...

I think I've found a way for one to be exempt from God's wrath. Thanks to a good medical school and a surgeon's steady hands, my "fleshy pistol" now shoots blanks. So, if I'm right, vasectomy = no wasted seed = no angry god = no divine smiting.

Another additional benefit, most insurance policies will cover 100% of the costs for this procedure.

 
At December 05, 2006 2:49 PM, Blogger People in the Sun said...

"Mike," if that's really your assumed name, a few suggestions:

1. Sleep on your back.
2. Tie your hands before you go to sleep.
3. Think happy thoughts (like seeing your loved ones ascent to Heaven while you wash another bed spread).
4. Burn in Hell.

 
At December 06, 2006 12:35 PM, Blogger scribe said...

wow, the dead horse is still being kicked...

 
At December 06, 2006 5:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Beating the dead horse" -- is that what you call it? I always said "choking the chicken."

 
At December 07, 2006 4:29 PM, Anonymous Wayne said...

A friend of mine - well, he used to be a friend - asked me "What's so wrong with masturbation?" so I asked God, and God answered me, but I didn't get all of it because sometimes He talks really loud and it's hard to get all the words. It has something to do with monotheism, but I'm not sure about the details.

 
At December 07, 2006 7:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a Cathaholic friend once who called it defrocking the little bishop. But I stopped being friends with him when I realized their religion was so gay.

 
At December 20, 2006 8:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, the passage you quoted is incorrect in the situation.

Leviticus 15:16 And if a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water, and be unclean until the evening. 17 And every garment and every skin on which the semen came shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening. 18 If a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of them shall bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until evening.

THAT's the one you wanted, not the sin of Onan, since Mikey here claims he didn't touch himself. ;)

 
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At April 08, 2007 11:12 PM, Anonymous Dick Smith said...

You people are all fucked in the head.. this guy has written to you for advice and all you have done is persicute him (BIG SIN) Also while im writing this, im 12 years old and even i have figured out that the cross you wear around your neck is an idol (if jesus were killed today, would you wear electric chairs around your neck. The cross i bet is the last thing jesus would wanna see when he comes back) and that the only teacher in a church is god and jesus, that no priest is above any man and should not condemn him as such. Just remember Michael you said it... if YOU ever spill your seed, may someone be there to cut your dick off and stick it in YOUR mouth. Im sure GOD would approve....

 
At April 29, 2007 1:15 PM, Anonymous One of those Papists... said...

I would wear an electric chair around my neck. And I would get little electric chairs for all my kids, too. All twelve of them. (I'm one of those Papists, you see.) The cross was the means of our salvation. "Our" meaning everyone's. Cause Jesus died for everyone, even those perverted adolescents... Yuck! I know the "infinitely wise" Michael was never ever one of those! Cheers to Dick though for pointing out the awful persecution of the letter writer who was seeking advice. I week for all of those that the "infinitely wise" Michael has led astray.

 
At May 06, 2007 6:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gayness is not nesssacarily the fault of the person. It is a mutation because their D.N.A. code should say you like the opposite sex. If you like someone it is hard to force yourself to stop. Same with homosexuality. Not their fault. So...
QUIT! QUIT ACTING LIKE THEY ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE AND THAT YOU ARE SOOO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At May 22, 2007 10:44 AM, Anonymous Slappy said...

It's called a Nocturnal Emission, dopes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturnal_emission

 
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At August 01, 2007 10:59 PM, Blogger Stoned said...

"I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - 'Mike'"


God, I hate when that happens. I like to spill mine on a big pair of breasteses while reciting the Hail Mary... but that's just me.

 
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___________________
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At April 04, 2010 10:51 AM, Anonymous Ricky R. Gofourth said...

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At April 04, 2010 10:56 AM, Anonymous Ricky Gofourth said...

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