Friday, June 17, 2005

Flagrant Faggotry

by Herman B. Hayes

Conservative Christian Moral Emergency.

The homos are on the march!

Recently I was shopping for a new power saw and belt sander at my local Home Depot store. Now, I have always enjoyed my experience at this fine example of corporatization. Sadly, this would all change as I made my way to the gardening department to purchase a shovel.

It all started with a simple mistake, really. I was unable to find the particular shovel I was looking for, one that is not made by communist heathens or Mexicans, that is. I approached a clean-cut young man who happened to be wearing what first appeared to be a Home Depot tee-shirt. It had the same style of lettering, the same orange block, everything. Imagine my pure, unadulterated horror when I realized that the shirt did not read “The Home Depot” as I expected.

The shirt read “The Homo Depot.”

It would appear that he was there to sell a different kind of lumber. I was mortified, and after vomiting into a gorgeous terra-cotta planter, I quickly fled the gardening department. I was very fearful that the seeds of homofaguality may have spread to my arrow-straight self. I ran straight to the band saws, and briefly entertained the thought of self-decapitation. While my neck was in front of the blade, I saw a glorious sight. A family; a father, a mother, and two children. The Lord had reminded me that there is hope. I stood up. I laughed. I moved on. I will never forget, though.

You should devote all that I write to memory, dear pupils of my wisdom. If you cannot, though, at least remember this:

Sodomites can be subtle.

It would appear that the homosexual army has discovered a new tactic. Guerrilla sodomy may well be their new tactic in the constant war on God and morality. The gays are taking their cue from our terrorist enemies in the newly democratic Iraq. We now face this threat at home, in the form of homo-insurgents. They could be anywhere, as evidenced above. Remember what our dear leader President Bush said:

We must remain vigilant.

Be on the lookout for clandestine faggotry in your neighborhood, your schools, your workplace, and even your home. They have learned to blend in. They look like us, they talk like us, they walk like us, and they are more dangerous to our freedom and way of life than ever.

62 Comments:

At June 17, 2005 12:25 PM, Blogger Big Dave T said...

You guys could lighten up some.

 
At June 17, 2005 12:31 PM, Blogger Ewen said...

Are you for real? You're fucking nuts. God this, god that. Get a life, grow up and remember that god taught us all to love they neighbour, so start loving and quit hating and fear mongering.

You people and your close-mindedness amuse me. Hating gays is like hating blacks or arabs, and it would appear that you Americans are good at hating everyone.

Coincidentally, the rest of the world hates you.

 
At June 17, 2005 12:38 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Dear Idiots:

First, of course I am for real. The ability to think and write is not granted to those who are not real. Of course, judging by your comments, that ability is still granted to morons. As for lightening up, I would not hold my breath for that. Did F.D.R. send a letter to the Germans saying "Hey, guys, can you lighten up a bit?" No, he destroyed them, just as we must do to our liberal enemies. Finally, on the topic of hating Blacks and Arabs, I have no problem with either group. No problem, that is, as long as the blacks are not stealing my hubcaps and the Arabs are not trying to kill us all.

 
At June 17, 2005 12:41 PM, Blogger Ewen said...

Likewise, I have no problems with you rednecks if you just drink from your stills, have sex with your sister and leave the rest of the world alone.

Bigotry, racism and hatred have no place in our world.

I find it so amusing that people like you can not, for the life of you, figure out why the world hates you and why people fly planes into your buildings.

 
At June 17, 2005 2:25 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

ewen,
The world should be less concerned about how they feel about us, and more concerned about how we feel about them.

Let me clue you in, America is not pleased. Do better or else God will rain fire down upon you and smite your first born child.

 
At June 17, 2005 4:51 PM, Anonymous Helen said...

I can't possibly comment on this, nor can I just pass it by.
Peace...........

 
At June 17, 2005 9:21 PM, Blogger Scott C. Smith said...

Watch out, I've heard that if someone who is gay breathes on you, you'll become gay yourself. Better to go out with one of those face masks you see when the news does a piece on Japan and they get a shot of people walking around with those masks.

 
At June 17, 2005 9:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a conservative, but you guys are fucking creeps.

 
At June 17, 2005 11:14 PM, Anonymous Fred Phelps said...

Come on, Boy, can't you hate better than that? This is a start, but you gotta put more fire and brimstone into it. More raw hatred. Them faggots are gonna ruin everything this great nation stands for, and if you're one of us you'll go door to door, office to office and spread the word.

By the way, your photo is kind of cute. AARRRGGGHHH!!! I'm having one of those attacks again. Fred's a faggot shut up I hate myself AARRRGGGHHH MMMMPPPHH!!!

OK, where was I...

 
At June 18, 2005 12:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If your site were not so sick and twisted it would be hilarious. Also, anyone so focused on homosexuality must be one. That's what I think. Normal people are just not this obsessed. You are a complete nut bag.

 
At June 18, 2005 9:27 AM, Blogger greeneyed_lady said...

This is a crock. This dude is no Christian. He's just getting his nuts off by saying all this extreem shit and reading all the irate comments. He should be ignored. This is a childish way of amusing himself. If there is a god, which I think there is, he'll see this and deal with it. If by some weird chance this is supposed to be serious, then the idiot has turned every person who reads this completely away from evagelical christianity. If one would read the bible in its entirety, as I have, you'd see that love is the theme. People like this self-righteous, white-washed tomb have obsessed themselves with particular passeges taken out of context and used to judge others. The bible does say in the new testiment "Judge no that ye be not judged". Jesus walked the earth with the sinners talking on their level with love. He even took the side of a woman who was a "harlot" and when the "religous nuts" wanted to stone her to death, jesus said to them, " you who is without any sin, cast the first stone". They had to let her go and walk away.
I could go on. But this BS in this blog and anywhere you see this kind of "holier than thou" crap, its not God, Christ or anything to do with the bible. Religion in its distorted and manipulitive form today is not spirituality, that is something you have in your soul that changes you for the better. This guy is an ignorant tool to bring people down in spirit, drive people away from hope. He will pay for it some day whether by Karma or by judgement of God.

 
At June 18, 2005 10:42 AM, Anonymous Stephanie said...

My guess is this guy/girl/whatever is no more a christian than I am as an atheist. He or she is making a point against conservative extremism by taking it so seriously it gets psychotic.

Or else, he or she just IS psychotic :D

 
At June 18, 2005 10:44 AM, Anonymous stephanie said...

I feel a bit dumb :D Just blogmarked this site because it was so hilarious and the site description read: "A satirical look at right-wing christian conservative politics."

My previous comment couldn't be any less original or genius :D

Still, kudos for the webmaster for demonstrating 'How one should NOT be'! :D

 
At June 18, 2005 8:06 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

greeneyed_lady,
Do you need any help getting down from your soapbox? No? Good.

As for your comment I didn't read the entire thing because I dozed off somewhere after the Jesus is love part. Allow me to refute your criticism of this blog with a quote from a true Christian and genuine moral authority (myself):

"...both Herman and [Michael Gregory Steele] have been blessed with certain ethical, moral and political understandings."

 
At June 18, 2005 11:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was there ever any more proof these homos go recruiting?

If they had it their way every Home Depot would be a Neverland of hedonistic perversion.

 
At June 19, 2005 7:21 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

latest anonymous,
Finally someone understand what's at stake here.

To those parents out there who love their families I have this message:

Kiss your family goodbye, you'll soon find yourself recruited and will have no need for your current family. Witness the extinction of the traditional family.

 
At June 19, 2005 9:53 PM, Blogger Random Personae said...

About the Christian lady...wow. It's so much fun when Christians talk about the (metaphoric) theme of the bible, which is fine, then downshift into quoting single lines as fact, which is nuts. Also, she seems to be a bit confused...I don't think there is kharma in the Christain universe.

And that guy, ewen: I don't recall God teaching me anything. I must have skipped school that day.

Anyway, keep up the good work on this blog. It's gives idiots the oportunity to stand and be counted.

 
At June 21, 2005 1:17 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

random personae,
These liberals are seriously making me reconsider my decision not to have commenters sign a loyalty oath. They are just pushing things much too far.

 
At June 22, 2005 5:17 AM, Blogger Patrick RIal said...

this is hilarious. I am assuming this page is a joke, but if it's not, that's even funnier.

 
At June 22, 2005 5:59 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

partick rial,
Is this blog a joke? That depends on your sense of humor. If the idea of liberals destroying everything great about American makes you chuckle, then yes this probably would be quite hilarious.

 
At June 24, 2005 4:55 PM, Blogger Rufus said...

Yeah, I'm calling "satire".

 
At June 25, 2005 10:36 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

carlton: I in turn am calling "heresy" on you.

 
At July 01, 2006 2:30 AM, Anonymous Scott-O-Rama said...

Yes... we homo insurgents even BLOG LIKE YOU!!!

Bwahahahahahahahaha! <--Evil Laughter

We will rule the world and force all you straight boys to marry each other. We'll turn your girlfriends and wives into lesbians (not the good kind) and your kids into big sissies.

World domination will be ours. You can't stop us. We have witty t-shirts on our side.

 
At July 01, 2006 10:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its true, this shit is hilarious!

 
At July 01, 2006 6:31 PM, Anonymous jeff Edge said...

Holy Christ! What a crock of s**t. Anyone who believes that a conservative Christian is going to make jokes like "It would appear that he was there to sell a different kind of lumber" is just naive and ignorant. Of course any conservative christian that believes we (yes, I'm gay) is on a mission to convert others to homosexuality is also ignorant. Get a life people.

 
At July 02, 2006 4:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm having premarital sex with my boyfriend of three years AND girls of my choosing.

Send me to hell, 'cause I love what I do.

 
At July 03, 2006 10:21 PM, Anonymous Tre said...

This blog is a very nicely done parody of modern conservative Amerika. After reading "Flagrant Faggotry", it's obvious only a backwater, fundamentalist would write something like this and I would bet the chances of someone like that having the intelligence to manage a site like this is near zero. Nice work whomever you are, very humorous!

 
At July 06, 2006 12:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come closer so I can breathe on you. Seriously, show me one instance in the Bible where God expresses hate. If God is really strong, his "enemies" are irrelevant. Sit down, shut up, and listen. Maybe God will show you that other people have rights.

 
At July 06, 2006 7:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Read the story of Noah's ark and also of sodom and gamorrah and you will get an idea of what God does when he hates the behaviors of his children.

Sodom and Gamorrah may be of particular interest here.

 
At October 02, 2006 11:44 PM, Blogger where is my kidneys? said...

omglolz0rrfolbbq!

 
At October 06, 2006 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's amazes me that real human beings have hateful thoughts like these, all justified and based on a god you have created to fit your small-minded social circles called 'churches'.
I pray that your kind either die off or evolve.

 
At October 21, 2006 8:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, i love this site. it kicks ass. fucking hilarious. you are my hero.

 
At October 29, 2006 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here in Yemen we are a just kill the people boink their homo. Allah kill better than false Christian God. He drink blood of infidel (everyone who not shoot and kill) and kill and kill. It fun is. We enjoy good kill kill. When our warriors scream and piss themselves it like roar of mother and waterfall of delicious yellow yellows.

When we find homo we hang and cut off head. I have lots of homo skulls. They fun lick.

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar!

 
At October 29, 2006 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here in Yemen we are a just kill the people boink their homo. Allah kill better than false Christian God. He drink blood of infidel (everyone who not shoot and kill) and kill and kill. It fun is. We enjoy good kill kill. When our warriors scream and piss themselves it like roar of mother and waterfall of delicious yellow yellows.

When we find homo we hang and cut off head. I have lots of homo skulls. They fun lick.

Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar, Allah Akbar!

 
At November 06, 2006 11:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Umm, WTF. If this is real then someone has some real issues to sort. And as far as America goes if I remember my history, the foundations of America where built upon escaping oppression, of all kinds.

 
At November 06, 2006 8:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you people make me sick.

 
At November 08, 2006 12:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rude but funny. I know there are people out there who actually believe that you can "catch" homosexuality or be "converted". I believe you either is or you ain't. To change from one lifestyle to another is simply getting in touch with yourself and learning who you are. I would never try the imposible task of making someone gay, straight, liberal or changing their religious beliefs. People are what they are. I think we can all get along with all our diversity. If I'm going to hell, then so be it. I'm not changing who I am or trying to change anyone else. I like to help people whereever I can. There is no place you can go and not find gays. I actually know of some gays in countries where you can actually be killed for that! You can't legislate morality. If god really flooded the world and killed everyone in that city of sin, then I don't even want to know him. The god I believe in is loving and understanding. If god is all loving, knowing, caring and forgiving, then he could never kill any of his children, no matter how bad or evil. Just look at some of the people that are are still alive and in jail. Everyone has to walk their own path. I know when I'm on the right path, I always have, even when I try to convince myself I don't know what's right, deep down, I always do. I think everyone does, it's just a matter of looking inward and listening. I love you all, even the Conservative Anti-everything people, I hope you are happy and can just get along with ALL your brothers.
Peace out! May the Force be with you!!!
J.J.J.

 
At December 15, 2006 3:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually J.J.J., I was straight, and then I caught the gay from my brother at the Christmas party last year. He infected the punch bowl and made everyone who attended gay.

 
At February 17, 2007 12:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you can't catch gayness you ignorant fool.


i for one am a lesbian... and my FEMALE partner, the love of my life, is a "communist heathen" as the nut job put it... so i guess i love communists and heathens.

i'd rather burn in hell than see you two cockbites in heaven.

scott-o-ramma... you fuckin' rock

 
At April 27, 2007 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

anti-gayness is sometimes used a a beard.

Bender the Robot Hates Emotions

 
At June 22, 2007 4:58 PM, Blogger nsam543 said...

"You guys could learn to lighten up some."

AND YOU COULD LEARN TO TAKE A FUCKING JOKE VAGINAFACE

 
At November 11, 2007 3:37 PM, Anonymous Rubber Ducky Disco Man said...

I don't tend to judge people on what particular person of either gender they choose to have a relationship with, and in fact I'm cool with those who decide to have homosexual preferences. But the thing is, a person's decision to have sex with a man or a woman shouldn't be anyone else's own God damn business.
Something as personal as choosing who you want to have sexual intimacies with is too personal to be a national issue, for one's own sexual preference is probably something that you wouldn't like other people to know about. So go ahead! Fuck whatever gender you would prefer to fuck! And if some asshole comes up to you and says it's wrong to sleep with them, tell them to fuck off and that it's none of their not the one who's having sex with your partner!!

 
At November 18, 2007 4:05 PM, Blogger Trace said...

HAHAHAHHAA HAHAHHA HAHA

You are so homophobic. I'm a female-loving heterosexual, myself, but I don't run for my life in fear of being infected with the seeds of homosexuality.

That's just... oh dear GOD that's funny. pffffffffft. Get a life, man.

 
At November 18, 2007 4:08 PM, Blogger Trace said...

Oh, it's a joke.

Convincingly hilarious, regardless.

 
At December 15, 2007 4:13 PM, Anonymous big_patriot said...

people! this blog is a JOKE. they don't actually believe these things -- they're just parodying right-wing nonsense and seeing which rational people get alarmed by it. don't worry -- these guys are just kidding. no one is that insane. whew!

 
At December 16, 2007 11:07 AM, Anonymous Tab said...

I think the point is that most people not involved in the homosexual lifestyle or even the "liberial there is nothing that is wrong unless you vote republican lifestyle" are just damb tired of having that lifestyle force feed to the public and our children. We the parents of our children should be able to raise moral families that in turn do the same. liberial lifestyles are a virus on our culture. There is a place for shame in our culture, it does serve a purpose.

Tab...

 
At February 12, 2008 3:47 AM, Anonymous Just an Observer said...

See, people like you are the very reason that the government wants to censor the internet. You should really consider seeing a head doctor because this stuff is not normal behavior for anyone. In fact, the last time I heard rhetoric like this from someone, one person convinced a whole bunch of folks to drink some kool-aid, and the other was chased all across the country because he married, sexed, and had children by scores of family members. Both of these characters hid behind the so-called veils of their religious beliefs. One is dead and the other will never be released from jail. You should really wonder if you are actually like them.

 
At February 26, 2008 4:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just farted.

 
At April 16, 2008 11:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol he vomited into a plant..im straight but if i could kill him by making out with a dude i totally would...'faggotry' huh? you sound like a great christian...did u notice that he had to claim himself 'straight as an arrow'? i didnt question your straightness till you wrote that...dumbass

 
At May 04, 2008 10:58 PM, Blogger EviLFemmeDom said...

You can't convert a straight person to queersville but you can have fun trying!!! Actually trying to date straight people is this really weird thing I've never quite figured out but I think it has something to do with internalized homophobia..This blogger is wiggity whack.
Maybe this conservative needs ME to dominate his ass. Do you want to be a sissy Mr Right Wing? Do you want ME to force you into some FLAGRANT FAGGOTRY? Seriously

http://www.niteflirt.com/account/callDetail.asp?callID=73217931

 
At May 28, 2008 10:25 PM, Blogger San Francisco Husky Bear said...

oh how funny. i laughed until i realized that you may actually be taking yourself seriously.

 
At July 29, 2008 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHA wow. I have never been more proud to be a "faggot".

 
At July 29, 2008 3:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what...i like to masturbate to jesus...he is one sexy fellow

 
At August 15, 2008 11:55 PM, OpenID sarukaito said...

As part of the faggot menace, I'd like to tell you that it's only because of people like you that we need to be prideful :D If you dumbasses would just calm yourselves and not go thinking you're gonna catch the gay every five seconds, then we wouldn't feel the need to show ourselves off.

P.S.: You're a faggot too. You're just damned scared to admit that you want a real lover.

 
At August 19, 2008 6:20 PM, Anonymous JM said...

Hilarious.

SATIRE, people, it's SATIRE.

And I *love* the word faggotry. A close second is buggery.

 
At September 30, 2008 5:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember when trolling took some effort and subtlety.

 
At October 16, 2008 12:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not a huge fan of homosexuality and as straight as they come. But, come on your blind hatred for an entire group of people revulses me so much. Do you know gays exist even in the Animal Kingdom among monkeys and chimpanzees. Scientific studies have confirmed a select percentage of population are likely to have homosexual tendencies just as a select percentage are left-handed.

To justify your hatred "in the name of God" who made these creatures is the most hypocritical thing to do.

Go get an education.

 
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