Thursday, November 23, 2006

Why Am I Thankful This Year?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

What exactly, dear readers, do I have to be thankful for this year? This isn’t a rhetorical question; I’m honestly asking you if you can come up with anything I should express thanks for at my dinner table this evening. We now have a Congress controlled by liberals and the train that is this nation has had an abrupt and last minute schedule change. All aboard! Next stop: imminent death at the hand of Islamofacists. Don’t forget to pick up the remains of your loved ones before you exit the train.

This Thanksgiving, grateful doesn’t exactly describe how I feel.

I guess I could sit in front of my family and tell them that we should all look at this as a chance to bridge the great ideological chasm in this country. We should be thankful, kids, that we have all been given this golden opportunity to stop the partisan bickering and begin to mend the deep wounds we all carry. This election loss is actually a good thing. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to lie to my children like that.

I know that a slew of new politically moderate candidates have been elected to represent us. Some would take this as a clear sign that the American public is sick of this kind of partisanship. They want Republicans and Democrats to reach across the aisle and start working together. This incorrectly assumes though that there’s any common ground between the members of God’s Party and the liberals who actively work to destroy America. I assure you that there absolutely isn’t.

If you don’t believe that we conservatives are fundamentally different from liberals then just consider how a typical liberal “family” will celebrate Thanksgiving today. Things will start out normal for them, with a table filled with food and smiling people eagerly eyeing this feast. Obviously nobody will say grace because liberals would sooner die than thank God for anything. They might express thanks for being able to pick up their free range hormone-free turkey along with the organic fair trade yams at their local Hippie-Mart but the Lord’s name certainly wouldn’t be uttered by anyone at this table.

The evening would begin with some light-hearted banter and innocent table conversation. There would obviously be a bit of confusion over which of Timmy’s five gay dads would carve up the turkey. A symbolic place of honor would be set at the front of the table for whatever terrorist leader is popular among liberals at the time.

It wouldn’t take too long for this lovely dinner to devolve into a turkey filled hedonistic orgy. Since this is a family blog I will spare you the despicable details of a writhing pile of naked liberals covered in turkey juices and smeared with mashed potatoes. I certainly won’t tell you what happens as soon as they break out the cranberry sauce flavored lube. The whole thing makes me sick.

So the lesson we should take from this year’s election is not that we need to unite our two incredibly disparate political ideologies, but that we that we need to work harder at destroying the ideology that’s fatally flawed (hint: Liberalism). We need to recruit real conservatives, Michael Gregory Steele conservatives to win back our country from the Democrat’s evil grasp.

This Thanksgiving I think my family can give thanks for that. We are actually presented with a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We can select conservatives so strong and so ideologically pure that they will destroy liberalism for good. It is with this thought in mind that I will sit down, break bread, and be genuinely thankful to be an American.

26 Comments:

At November 23, 2006 8:17 PM, Blogger dusty said...

"a writhing pile of naked liberals covered in turkey juices and smeared with mashed potatoes"-magnificent!

Hope you enjoy the football games at least Mr. Steele :)

 
At November 24, 2006 12:15 AM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

I usually save the pumpkin pie, whipped cream, and cranberry sauce for that sort of thing.

 
At November 24, 2006 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really, shouldn't all liberals be locked up so that they cannot indulge in this sort of evil, decadent behavior, spreading their poison through society? What ever happened to the good old days when all the people who weren't decent church-going white folks were tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail? And another thing; Is it wrong to roast evildoers?

 
At November 25, 2006 9:33 PM, Anonymous Not Dick but Richard said...

I know this is late but, be thankful that conservative values were the real winner of the midterm elections. The voter gave a clear mandate that the Republicans have abandoned their Reagan Roots and now that the politicians have gotten the word the real healing and neocon revolution can begin.

Semper Keyboardus

 
At November 25, 2006 10:34 PM, Anonymous condoleezza rye said...

Wow, I don't think I ever read any other article, where someone spent as much time equating Thanksgiving with sex as you just did. Does this mean you're another of the Republic Party's neokink's?

 
At November 26, 2006 10:12 PM, Blogger Bukko_in_Australia said...

When you said "All Aboard" when referring to the way the evil liberals will run the train of state straight off he rails, you should have said "All ABORT!"

P.S. I peeked into my liberal neighbour's home on Thanksgiving using the anti-terrorism surveillance devices I installed whilst they were on holiday. You would not believe what they were doing with the turkey drumsticks!

 
At November 27, 2006 11:35 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Thank goodness Tom Delay is endorsing a book on Democratic corruption. Also, we must stay busy with Blogging for Bolton.

There is so much to do, if I weren't a good conservative I would cancel Christmas. But that is just what you-know-who would have us do.

We CAN have it all. Thank you, Mr. Delay.

 
At November 29, 2006 9:13 PM, Anonymous Shoopydoowop said...

Congratulations on writing such an amusing piece. I think this site is awesome (it's a joke right? wink wink) I've never come accross a site that highlights idiotic conservative values in such an intelligent and funny way.

Is it wrong to roast 'evil doers' anonymous? I guess not.. I'm a bit worried about next years demand of pre-basted dumb Americans though eh?! Better get our orders in early. He he.

 
At August 11, 2007 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My goodness, that was funny! I live in Maryland, where the real Michael Steele was Lt. Governor. The token tool was defeated, along with his boss Bob Ehrlich, for a reason. The state of Maryland, like the rest of the country, is not so committed to its ideology as to be blinded to reality: these men are fascists in CEO's clothing.
If you think that these men are working for and care for you (Americans), and that truth should be trumped by political ideolgy, you might as well that burn that flag that you claim so much to love; you've clearly forgotten what it represents, or you never believed it to begin with. And incidentally, this liberal will happily loosen the teeth of any so-called "patriot" who thinks I won't defend my views. If you think this war is such a good thing, put your money where your mouth is and go die in it.

I'm waiting...

Uh-huh. That's what I thought.

It would appear that only cowards support this travesty.

 
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