Moral Mailbox: Should I Receive Welfare?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Here the moral mailbox question for this week:

"I recently was laid off from work. The unpaid bills are starting to mount and I am quickly going into debt. In this time of need, I'm starting to look into social welfare programs. As a Conservative, however, this feels disgustingly wrong. Should I risk being perceived as a liberal and feed my family or starve and remain loyal to my political beliefs?" - Tom

I'm going to be honest with you, Tom, because I'm a straight shooter. I don't mince my words, and I tell it like it is. I definitely don't hesitate to dispense a little tough love or compassionate conservatism when it's necessary. I'd also like to state for the record that I'm a salt of the earth fellow who says what he means, and means what he says.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Tom, you are a lazy and worthless individual.

So far as I can tell, the market is telling me that you're an unproductive and unimportant member of society. I'm inclined to agree with the market on this one.

The one thing you don't want to do is ask for a handout from the government. All social programs do is enable you to continue to be the pathetic slug of a man that you are now. Your family would much rather have a real man heading their household than food on the table.

Luckily, you live in the land of opportunity. You can easily find a new job, even though you surely don't deserve one. Just do what I do whenever I grow tired of a job. Call on your dad's friends to help.

Surely your dad knows a CEO or high placed upper management type who can find a position for you. I also have a rolodex full of high powered Republican friends who could help land me a cushy government job. Use your own established contacts; that's what they're for.

Just one thing: Don't come to me looking for a job. I won't even interview you. I have a strict policy against hiring lazy and utterly worthless people to work for me. Nothing personal, Tom, but you stopped being a Conservative the day that you stopped working.

Note: Send in those moral mailbox questions, we'll be answering another one on Monday.