I Am Proudly Anti-Cure

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

After reading a Newsweek column on stem cell research in which the writer frames his support of stem cell research as "pro-cure,” I am ready to shout from atop the highest mountains: “I am anti-cure!”

This stem cell controversy is given new life after a bill allowing more funding for stem cell research has already passed the House, and continues to snake its way towards the Senate.

Sure, the research is very promising, including the progress made by South Korean scientists, but allowing godless scientists to harvest these cells from deceased fetuses or embryos slated for disposal is simply wrong. This research may save millions from fatal diseases, but God created Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and diabetes for a reason.

What people refuse to admit is that you only get sick if God is very angry with you. Case in point, I have been sick only once in the entirety of my sainted life. I got the flu after I accidentally saw another man's penis in the locker room at the YMCA. From that day on, I vowed never to anger God, and have remained in his good graces ever since.

Of course, our wise President understands that using stem cells is immoral and has threatened to veto the bill should it find its way to his desk. This would be his very first veto, making it very clear that President George W. Bush is also ready to shout at the top of his lungs: “I am anti-cure!”

One final thought: I, Michael Gregory Steele, was once an embryo. While I was never frozen in this state, or slated for disposal, I was an embryo. Would this world have been better off if I had been used for research by liberal mad scientists? I think not.

I could have hypothetically been used to find a cure for cancer instead of curing the moral plague that infects all of you. This very thought should be enough have you all screaming: “I am anti-cure!”

Note: the Moral Mailbox question for this week will be answered this Thursday, so you still have time to get those questions in.