Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Yes, Michael Jr., Dinosaurs Are Cool

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

When I caught my son, Michael Jr. playing with toy dinosaurs a couple years back I was furious. "How could you let those godless evolutionists corrupt you with these blaphemous toys," I asked him. His pathetic 10 year old reply was "because they're cool." I wonder how cool he thought his toys were while he watched me burn them all into a melted plastic mass in our yard.

But maybe Michael Jr. was actually on to something...

You see some creationists have now decided to co-opt the coolness of dinosaurs. Yes, maybe dinosaurs in all their coolness do have a place within the story of creation. According to an LA Times article creation scientists are using dinosaurs to glorify God instead of using them to turn children away from Jesus Christ:
"We're putting evolutionists on notice: We're taking the dinosaurs back," said Ken Ham, president of Answers in Genesis, a Christian group building a $25-million creationist museum in Petersburg, Ky., that's already overrun with model sauropods and velociraptors.

"They're used to teach people that there's no God, and they're used to brainwash people," he said. "Evolutionists get very upset when we use dinosaurs. That's their star."
I had always personally thought that dinosaurs were an invention of godless evolution proponents. These creatures that contradicted the story of creation were no more real to me than unicorns -- simply a marketing ploy to sell kids on the idea of evolution. But after reading this article I can now say that dinosaurs did in fact exist.

You see, according to creation scientists, dinosaurs were around in the Garden of Eden but they weren't meat eaters until Adam and Eve ate that forbidden apple. Also, according to the theory, some dinosaurs were among the animals on Noah's Ark while the rest were drown in the great flood. These creationists are insightful enough to read between the lines of the Bible. Sure it didn't say there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark but it also didn't say there weren't dinosaurs there.

Given this new information, I have come up with a fun art project to work on with Michael Jr. We're going to be creating a model of the Garden of Eden complete with dinosaurs. Yes, I think a velociraptors would look great daintily nibbling on a carrot next to the Tree of Knowledge.

It looks like you were actually right about something for a change, Michael Jr., dinosaurs can be cool.

Idiotic counter-point: Agnosticism / Atheism

Monday, August 29, 2005

God Hates Fred Phelps!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I read a news story yesterday about Fred Phelps, the founder of the Westburo Baptist Church. For those of you unfamiliar with him, he is a man that is not shy about his hatred of homosexuals and even created the website This news story describes a protest that Fred organized and that many felt went a little too far. He and other members of his church picketed outside the funeral of two soldiers holding up signs that read "God Hate Fags" and "God Hates You." Phelps claimed that these solider were killed in Iraq as a punishment from God because America harbors homosexuals.

Now, many of my regular readers know that I'm hardly a supporter of "gay rights" or "gays," so it might seem logical for me to applaud this man's actions, but I won't. Instead I'll explain how Fred Phelps is more damaging to the anti-gay cause than an all day marathon of Queer Eye.

If Fred knew anything, he'd understand that he's suposed to take the position that God hates the sin not the sinner. In this way, he could appeal to all the "God hates fags" types without scaring away the "I really don't like the idea of two guys with moustaches fornicating in leather S&M gear" types. We need both groups to win anti-gay voter initiatives, so it's damaging to be so obviously anti-gay, Fred.

Also, it's people like Fred Phelps who limit the donations that groups like Dr. James Dobson's Focus on the Family can get from righteous Christians who dislike gay people. He hurts the rest of us because he's too stupid to know how to effectively frame his own disgust with homosexuality. Simply put, he's hurting the cause he claims to support.

Listen, I'm sure if Fred Phelps, Dr. Dobson and I all sat down at a table we'd find a lot we could agree on. I mean we all understand what James Dobson meant when he spoke out against the Texas sodomy case. When he says that he doesn't want homosexuals to have the right to have sex because it will destroy the family we catch his drift. He didn't come out and say, "I don't want homosexuals to have sex because they're gross and I hate fags." Dr. Dobson is much too smart for that.

Which is more than I can say for you, Fred, you giant screw up. You're foolishly apparent in your zealotry, Phelps, and God hates you for that, almost as much as he hates... wait, I won't say it, because I'm not as big of an idiot as you are, Fred.

See Also:
Westburo Baptist Church (Wikipedia)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Corrupting Our Children

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I recently read an article on a Focus on the Family site that truly upset me. In it a concerned mother finds that her son's school library is stocked with obscene titles like "Doing It" and "Rainbow Boys."

Thankfully she was able to get these books taken out of regular circulation and undoubtedly saved the souls of countless children.

We as parents must too demand that objectionable books like these be removed from the library shelves. If we don't make the effort to purify these school libraries then there's no limit to the sort of depravity that could be made available to our children. If you don't do your parental duty and ensure that each book extols Christian values then don't be surprised if your son or daughter comes home with one of the following books:
  • The Homosexual Conversion Guide: From Straight to Gay in 30 Days
  • Harry Potter and the Dark Prince
  • Start Your Own Cult: And 99 Other Fun Ideas for Kids
  • Evolution: Science without God
  • The Little Gay Angel
  • The Karma Sutra: Preteen Edition
  • Babar's Elephant Orgy
  • The Cambridge Companion to Satan
  • How to be Bigger, Better and Run Faster than Jesus Christ
  • Why Gay Means Happy and Straight Means Unbearably Miserable
The above mentioned mother also presented the school board with 70 more titles she found objectionable. This time though, the school board did not "have the time."

Although this woman ultimately failed to protect her child, there is something we can learn from her. She was persistent enough to check every single book in that library and I urge every parent reading this to do the same. Do it for the children.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Why Liberals?

by Herman B. Hayes

Most of the time I have a topic. Today, I do not.

Today I have questions, readers. I am confused by what is going on in the heads of liberals and heathens. There are five questions that I would like to have answered. Please send the replies to our Moral Mailbox. I am currently on another one of my missions to protect your faith and safety, but I will peruse your inane, babbling answers when I return.
  1. Why are liberals so blind to political reality? Can’t you people see what your idiocy could do to this great nation? Are you so weak minded that you are afraid to take a stand?
  2. Why must liberals be so keen on tolerating everyone? Face it, you touchy-feely kissy-sissies, some people in the world do not deserve to be tolerated.
  3. Why do you feel that spreading democracy should not involve force? Of course it requires force to spread freedom, these Godless heathens are not going to reach out and grab it on their own, now are they? Remember, it took force to bring freedom here, too.
  4. Why can’t more liberals go out and get a damn job? Why do you lazy-leftists harbor the notion that other people’s hard work should be your main source of income? Why can’t you get a job like good conservatives do?
  5. Why do you hate God? Why do you try to force the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty out of every facet of your meaningless lives? Why do you teach your children to mock and detest their savior?
I have many more questions, and I would ask them if I was not so convinced that liberals can only remember five questions at once. I look forward to your answers, sent by email, and I assume I will have a good laugh from them. I will also be righteously angry, but I expect that.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Pat Robertson and Liberal Hypocrisy

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It seems that Pat Robertson, 700 club host and founder of the Christian Coalition, just can't win. In 2001 Pat was criticized for being too supportive of Liberian President Charles Taylor. Liberals cynically noted that Robertson had invested $8 million in a gold mine in Liberia. Apparently since Pat had a vested interest in the existing government, his support for this cruel dictator was dishonest.

4 years later...

August 22, 2005: Pat Robertson calls for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez:
You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war.
That's about as unsupportive of a statement one could make about an unfriendly dictator. So you would think that liberals would be happy now that Robertson has now made such a strong statement against an oppressive ruler. You would think that given the liberal outrage toward Robertson's support of Charles Taylor that a statement like this would satisfy them. You would think that, but you'd be wrong. This is just another glaring example of liberal hypocrisy.

But it's not even this obvious hypocrisy that bothers me. It's the claim that Robertson isn't in a position to call for Chavez's death. Excuse me? If our moral leaders can't call for the assassination of a head of state then who can? Who better to judge whether someone is worthy to live than those who speak for God?

While I may be a lesser moral leader than Pat (for the time being), I too can make a justified call for violence. I hereby call for a swift kidney punch to Hugo Chavez. Trust me; this is exactly what God would want.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I Hate Hillary Clinton

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I had a run-in with an idiot yesterday while picking up some books from my local Barnes and Noble. I was perusing the political section when I finally found the book I was looking for: The Truth about Hillary. I was standing there reading the part of this book where Bill Clinton rapes Hillary when I noticed the man next to me was leafing through a Sean Hannity book.

I smiled to myself as I remembered the first time that I read Deliver Us from Evil. It was a life changing. I thought this clean cut young man was a fellow conservative putting himself on the road to righteousness, but I was wrong.

I nudged this seemingly upstanding American and showed him the cover of the book I was reading and cleverly announced, "The truth about Hillary is that she pees standing up." The man then turned to me with a look of horror on his face. "What is with you right-wingers and your hatred of Hillary Clinton?" he asked.

Why do I hate Hillary Clinton? Is this a rhetorical question? Sadly, this liberal dunderhead was serious. I replied, "Because she's a radical left-wing extremist and a threat to America." I thought the argument would end there as I presented this idiot with an undeniable truth. But he was not satisfied with this answer.

This fool then expected me to list political positions or public statements she's made to prove that she's an extremist. He just didn't get it. I then tried to explain to this imbecile that Hillary is not at all what she seems.

"Liberals have always tried to paint Hillary as a moderate (and Lord knows she does) but it's simply not true. Mrs. Clinton is a brilliant political chameleon who's been smart enough to hide her true colors for as long as she's been alive. Once she gets the chance, she will unleash her radical left wing agenda upon the world. Hillary is a threat to America plain and simple."

I then started to walk away book in hand since I had sufficiently schooled this young punk. His only reply was, "But you never told me why you hate her." What an absolute moron! I guess it's just one of those things that if you have to ask you'll never know. I hate Hillary Clinton because she's Hillary Clinton and I know that my readers can understand that.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Nazis Don't Cure People

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I've talked about stem cell research before but now I'm going to take a slightly different tact; I'm going to inform you that stem cell research is utterly useless. Regardless of what liberal scientists like those at the National Institute of Health say about the potential for this research, they are all dead wrong.

Despite his recent leadership failures, I do agree with Dr. James Dobson's take on stem cell research:
You know, the thing that means so much to me here on this issue [embryonic stem cell research] is that people talk about the potential for good that can come from destroying these little embryos and how we might be able to solve the problem of juvenile diabetes. There's no indication yet that they're gonna do that, but people say that, or spinal cord injuries or such things. But I have to ask this question: In World War II, the Nazis experimented on human beings in horrible ways in the concentration camps, and I imagine, if you wanted to take the time to read about it, there would have been some discoveries there that benefited mankind.
Dobson's reasoning is bulletproof, as usual. If you perform stem cell research then you're a Nazi. You'd think this fact alone would end this absurd debate. I mean, I personally don't know of anyone that wants to be considered a Nazi or even a Nazi supporter. Although leave it to liberals to once again take a strong pro-Nazi stance.

I guess when you get down to it, liberals aren't all that different from Nazis. I ask you what does it sound like when a group of ideologues (liberals) want to destroy a particular religious group (Christians)? I rest my case.

All of this brings me to the main point that Dr. Dobson alluded to in the quote above. Stem cell research is pointless. There is no promise of a cure, regardless of what countless medical professionals say on the matter. And it stands to reason too because Nazis murdered those who had such diseases as a means to purify their supposed master race. Therefore if you have Nazis doing such research they would only be trying to discover ways to hasten death for those afflicted with Diabetes, Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's. I simply can't allow this happen.

Also, the research itself is reprehensible. I mean think about it, they want to use embryos left over from fertility treatments for research. Sure, these embyros would be disposed of anyway but at least when they're thrown away there's some dignity to their death. The second you start experimenting on these embryonic children is the second it becomes something much more preverse like those Nazi experiments or even organ donation.

Clearly stem cell research is absolutely indefensible and the way I see it, you're either with us or you're with the terrorists Nazis.

See Also: I Am Proudly Anti-Cure and We Must "Stem" the Tide.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Cindy Sheehan is a Terrible Protester

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I'm sure you've all read the stories about Cindy Sheehan, the mother who lost her son in Iraq and is demanding a meeting with President Bush. Maybe you've seen footage of her, camped outside President Bush's Crawford ranch waiting for a chance to speak with him. My reaction to this whole sorry sight is this: you call that a protest, Cindy?

I think every American has a right to protest while holding up signs that say things like "Bush is a Terrorist," or "No Blood for Oil" or any other extremist left slogan. Also, I think if you're an unwashed bearded hippie it is your right, nay, your duty to scream in the face of a police officer and call him a fascist. The reason that I welcome such displays is because if you're a white guy with dreadlocks and think peace is the only way, then you're incredibly easy to mock and dismiss. Is this somber gathering at Crawford what accounts for a protest nowadays?

When I see Cindy being interviewed on TV, she doesn't even bother to shout through a bullhorn. She politely states her case and is a sympathetic figure to many people. But this all begs the question: where are the burning effigies of George W. Bush?

Well, I guess you're not going to make this easy for us are you, Mrs. Sheehan?

Let me just say though, that I know your son Casey would not approve of any of this. No, I've never met him, nor do I have any indication of what his beliefs really were, but I'm a Republican. Since I'm a Republican I support our troops, Casey was one of the troops and ipso facto I speak for him. He says either start protesting more like those supporting your cause (, Code Pink, Al-Qaeda) or don't do it at all. I want to see you with an arm draped around Michael Moore the next time you're shown on television. You're an embarrassment, Cindy, and since you're not making it as obvious as you should you're also a threat to our freedom.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Stay the Course in Iraq

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Note: Today's post was written by Robert S. Larkin, a righteous man who belongs to my church.

March 20, 2003 the Whitehouse announces:
The opening stages of the disarmament of the Iraqi regime have begun.
The Iraq war has begun and the mission is clear; we must eliminate the imminent threat Iraq poses to the United States of America. We must disarm Iraq.

Fast forward to today.

It's more than a year later and Iraq is free, democracy is flourishing, and Saddam Hussein – one of the chief architects behind the September 11th attacks – is in prison.

Now after President Bush's success in Iraq the loony left want the United States to pull our troops out. Their position is now that Iraq is a free country why do we need our troops to stay over there and enjoy an all expense paid vacation on the tax payer's dime?

I've got news for those liberals: The mission is not over.

Our troops are hardly enjoying a vacation. True, the hospitality of the Iraqis make it appear to be an easy job, but the fact is we are not finished disarming Iraq.

Disarming Iraq is hard work and we are still turning up weapons caches on a daily basis with the help of the grateful Iraqi people. Most liberals say,"Why don't we let the Iraqis disarm themselves?"

While the Iraqi forces are certainly ready to take over security operations themselves, they do not have the experience of the U.S. military in disposing of weapons.

Imagine if we followed the liberals' advice. We'd have some Iraqi child lose their fingers because some Iraqi environmentalist, probably from Greenpeace, recycled a grenade into a Mr. Grenado Head. You can bet that John Edwards would then sue Hasbro alleging the toy company somehow influenced the poor naive environmentalist.

No, we cannot allow this to happen.

For the sake of world security and Iraqi children, we must stay the course and disarm Iraq.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Rick Santorum, Political Mastermind

by Herman B. Hayes

My favorite Senator is treading a fine line these days.

Recently it came to light that one of Senator Santorum’s chief staffers is gay. Now, I can understand how a homosexual could slip under the radar of a God fearing straight man. They can be sneaky, as I have illustrated in the past. I am not concerned with the fact that Mr. Santorum’s director of communication, Robert L. Traynham, is gay. I am concerned with the fact that he still has his job, and, it would appear, the support of Mr. Santorum.

Is Santorum going soft on homos?

This has to be a misunderstanding. My beloved Senator Santorum cannot, I repeat, cannot, be tolerant of homosexuality. There is no way that someone who is so opposed to gay rights, gay marriage, and gay existence can have a gay staffer. Something here does not seem right. Something here is ever-so-slightly off. I have a theory, though, and if I am correct it will prove that Santorum is a political genius.

Santorum has a homo-cheerleader.

Mull this one over, readers: Senator Santorum has a pet sodomite. This makes perfect sense, if you think about it. There is an election coming up, and Santorum’s position is on the line. Santorum is not well loved among liberals and those who engage in sexual activities with those of the same gender. What do liberals love? Homos. What do homos love? Homos. So, if you want to pull some extra votes from the ranks of Satan-worshipping morons, what do you do? Keep a homosexual around.

There is a world of difference between liking gays and using one to further the conservative agenda. I can only assume that this is what Rick Santorum is doing. I know that the Santorum I love does not tolerate gays, liberals, commies, tree huggers, terrorists, or any other unsavory group.

Having realized the truth of the matter, my faith is renewed.

Keep up your good and Godly work, Senator Santorum. I know that you are doing the right thing, because you always have. I have faith in you, conservatives have faith in you, and if we are lucky even the gays will have faith in you. God Bless Rick Santorum.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Justice Sunday II: an Unworthy Sequel

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I would have written this post sooner, but I've been trying to deal with the utter disappointment that was Justice Sunday II. This was supposed to be an informative event about liberal judicial activism and the state of the Supreme Court. I even allowed my two sons to stay up late to watch the incredible lineup of Christian Right superstars. Their time would have been better spent tucked into their beds.

We were supposed to be told how to feel about John Robert's nomination to the Supreme Court, but I got no reassurance about this man's godliness.

Here's what Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, had to say about John Roberts:
It looks like Judge Roberts is, and we believe so, a strict constructionist -- Or what Justice Scalia calls an originalist.
Oh, you think he is, do you? Well as long as you're somewhat certain about this then I guess I'll fight to get this man on the Supreme Court. Thanks for handing me a big basket of dissapointment. I was just looking for an endorsement a little more decisive than one John Kerry would give. "It looks like" isn't quite good enough, Dr. Dobson.

The further advice I was given was to call my senator. Call my senator and say what exactly?!?!

Should I perhaps say the following:
"Hello Senator, I'm one of your constituents. I would like you to vote to confirm Roberts for the Supreme Court, maybe... unless he's not a man of God, then in that case don't vote to confirm him."

Thanks for nothing, you bunch of jerks!! I now know exactly what I knew the day Bush selected Roberts, and that's exactly nothing. What a waste of a Sunday evening. I AM SO ANGRY. Now before I explode in a blinding rage, I'll share with you the one part of this wasted evening that did make me smile. Here's what Catholic League president William Donohue said:
We're going to send in counselors for [the left] to deal with change. No, we won't send any priests or ministers or rabbis because we respect the fact that they don't believe in anything.
That one made me chuckle, but I guess I'm just a sucker for a "liberals are godless unbelievers" joke. That calmed me down a little bit, but I'm still seriously perturbed. It seems the leadership in this movement is severely lacking. Herman and I may need to take the reigns. It seems that the two of us are the only ones you can count on nowadays. They really should have called this event "Justice Sunday II: We're a bunch of worthless clowns"!

Note: You can listen to the broadcast, but I wouldn't waste my time on it if I were you.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Dr. James Dobson Is Not Gay!

by Herman B. Hayes

I know, this is a rather obvious statement.

Today I received an email from a liberal moron who postulated the claim that Dr. James Dobson is a homosexual. Of course, this could not be further from the truth. This enemy of God sent the following quote from one of Dr. Dobson’s 2002 newsletters, in an effort to support his ridiculous claim.
Meanwhile, the boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

Showering with your son is a tactic to prevent gayness, everyone knows this.

I thought it was common knowledge that taking your young son into the shower with you is one of the best ways to prevent the malleable little tyke from becoming a homosexual. As Dr. Dobson informs us, you need to show your son that you, Dad, also have a penis. Of course, being the perfect father, I did not have to rely on Dr. Dobson to tell me this, I already knew. It is nice to know, however, that the esteemed non-gay straight man Dr. James “Homo-destroyer” Dobson is on the right track. Now that we have cleared Dr. Dobson of these nefarious allegations, allow me to expand upon his message.

My wife took some convincing.

My loving and generally demure wife did not seem to be in line with my plan to expose myself to our youngest son in the shower. She must have somehow got it into her head that this was in some way disgusting, akin to pedophilia, or something that a heathen would read in the NAMBLA newsletter. I sensed that this might cause conflict in our happy home, so I did the only thing that I could do as a responsible father and husband. I told her she had dishes to do, and that I would take care of making our boy into a man.

There is only one problem: Dr. Dobson did not take it far enough.

Mind you, I do agree that showing your impressionable young son the glory of your fully developed male organ is a prophylactic against contracting homosexuality. I personally do not believe that it is enough. Your son has to be terrified of the adult male genitalia. For the rest of his life, he has to shake with fear at the mere thought of being exposed to another man’s penis.

You have to convince your son that looking upon a penis other than his own, or his Dad’s, will kill him.
You must tell him that a penis that is foreign to him will disembowel him where he stands, be it a school locker room, the gym, or in the home of another man. You must place in to his sponge-like brain the horrible images of him being eviscerated by a male sexual organ. Only when he bursts into tears when thinking of a penis will your job be done, and your lineage secured.

Thanks to Herman Hayes and Dr. Dobson, you too can keep your sons straight, well adjusted, and on the narrow path of God-fearing heterosexuality.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

If Kerry Had Won (Part II)

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Note: If you missed Part I, read that first. Now for the thrilling conclusion of...

If Kerry Had Won

At the Texas Nation Guard air force base, Donald Rumsfeld is reduced to cleaning fighter planes on the runway. It's been a tough year for the former Secretary of Defense, but I guess it's been a tough year for all Americans.

Rumsfeld squints as he sees a masculine silhouette in the distance. "Who's there?" he shouts. "It's me, Rummy, and I'm back to finish the War of Terror," Bush answers as he comes clearly into view.

Bush!! I've heard all kinds of rumors. Nobody has heard from you since the election. People said you became a recluse, and started hitting the bottle again. What happened to you?
None of that matters now, because I'm back to finish this once and for all.
I knew you couldn't stay away, Bush, you never could
Where's my jet?
She's all gassed up and ready to go just like you left her.
Good, because I've got some bringing it on to do.
Are you sure you're up for this, Mr. President? You've been gone for quite a while.
Of course I am, Rumsfeld, I got the coordinates for the terrorists' hideout in Washington D.C., and I'm going to take them all out myself.
There's no way you can do that alone – It'll be a suicide mission.
That's the only kind of mission I'll do.
You're just as bravely defiant as you've always been. America has missed you, sir.

Bush hops into his jet and positions himself in the cockpit for takeoff. "Don't wait up, Rummy, I'm not coming back until I personally kill every last one of those fiends." Bush eases his way off the runway and takes off masterfully. "It's time to smoke some terrorists out of their holes." He quips as he flies off into the cool night.

Bush arrives at the terrorists' lair and lands his plane directly on top of three guards. He jumps out ready for action. He handles the remaining guards with stealth and fighting moves learned from his extensive military training. He eventually works his way to the central meeting room of this evil hideout, but not before leaving a pile of badly beaten Islamic extremists in his wake.

Bush kicks down the door to this meeting room and is met with an unbelievable sight once the dust has cleared. Staring directly at him is the mysterious terrorist leader who was responsible for the attacks. This time though his face is not obscured, he is now recognized as none other than Osama bin Laden. This henious monster turns his head and continues to talk with President John Kerry who urinated down his leg the second he heard the loud bang of that door coming down.

"I'm here to stop you, Osama, from destroying this country" Bush shouts. "I think not! Your weak and craven President has already signed away your country to me. There is nothing left to save." bin Laden says as he lets out a deep sinister laugh.

Kerry looks sheepishly at Bush and explains "I tried everything to negotiate with them, but this is the only way."

"I won't let this stand, I've liberated countries before and I will once again liberate America"
Bush slaps Kerry across the face and Kerry lets out an effeminate scream before falling to the floor. Bush turns to Osama and looks him directly in his beady eyes. "This isn't over yet, Osama, I'll be back to reclaim my country. You can count on it."

Bush marches out of there determined to build and lead an army to defeat this new insurgent threat. Will he succeed? With God on his side he's sure he can win, but says aloud "If only the American people had voted for me this wouldn't have happened, they may have turned their back on me, but I can never turn my back on America." If Kerry hadn't won, our very freedom wouldn't be on the line, but at least things are a little more hopeful now that Bush is here to once again save America.

The End?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

If Kerry Had Won (Part I)

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know I look at President Bush's rapidly sinking approval rating and it just makes me sick. So to those who no longer support President Bush I offer you this glimpse into what might have been..

If Kerry Had Won

It's the year 2006 and just about one year to the day that President John F. Kerry was inaugurated. Former President Bush looks out from a darkened room in his Crawford ranch. "What has happened to this nation I love so deeply," he asks himself shaking his head in disbelief.

"Her promise of freedom is dying before my very eyes."

It's 9am and he's already drinking. He was clean for almost three decades but it only took three months of a Kerry presidency to drive him back to the bottle. A tear rolls down his unwashed face. "How could I have let this happen? How could the voters have let this happen?" He closes his eyes and takes another swig of Jim Beam. "The dream of America is dead."

Meanwhile back in Washington President John Kerry prepares for his first State of the Union address. His speechwriters are still finding it difficult to put a positive spin on his disastrous first year. After an unprecendented cut in military spending to help fund various welfare programs the US economy is in dire straights and over half the country is without a job. The writers decide to omit any mention of the economy from the speech. While they continue to hash out the rest of the wording, President Kerry argues with himself over his tie choice.

"The red tie makes me look strong, but maybe too strong."
"On the other hand this blue tie would be very comforting, but I don't know if it's bold enough"

Suddenly Kerry's Chief of Staff, Wesley Clark rushes into the room and interrupts. "We are under attack, Mr. President. There have been 11 coordinated attacks so far and that's not the worst of it. They say they have a nuclear bomb in every major city." Upon hearing this Kerry faints into Clark's arms but not before soiling himself. "God help us," Clark cries as he lets Kerry's lanky body fall to the ground. "God help us all!"

Soon after the attacks, the news networks begin showing footage of the terrorists involved in the attacks. Since we are no longer taking the fight to them, they took the fight to us and on our soil with a jihad vengeance. Their leader speaks to a frightened nation:

"We are responsible for these attacks and there are more to come unless you submit to our demands. Otherwise we shall unleash complete and utter desolation across your nation. Surrender your firearms and Bibles and we shall leave you in peace. Accept Allah as your God and denounce Jesus Christ and the attacks will end. "

Bush can't believe what he is seeing as he watches this terrorist leader speak these hateful words on his television. He doesn't hesitate for a second. He throws his half empty liquor bottle against the wall and it shatters. He is suddenly more sober than he has been in months. "I can't sit by and let this happen any longer. This ends now."

"George, where are you going?" Laura asks.
"I'm off to save this country from the evil-doers one last time," Bush says as he puts on his cowboy hat and walks out the door and into the night.

Read Part II

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Moral Mailbox: Foul Liberal Temptress

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

We're again answering reader questions so here's this week's moral mailbox question:
I recently had a young woman flirt with me in the comment section of a blog. While I spurned her advances, I must admit that at first I was flattered. I feel I have been sinful since I’ve been happily married for 29 years and probably should have been immediately outraged at this harlot’s flirtation. What can I do to make this right with God? Sincerely, Curt
Now Curt (not his real name) is being faced with a very real and very serious temptation. Upon talking to Curt a little more I discovered that this temptress was a liberal, but honestly I didn't need him to tell me that. It was more than obvious from her behavior.

You see, I could deduce this from the fact that this woman was bold enough to initiate this flirtation. She is clearly too aggressive and should learn that it's better to allow the man to take control in this sort of situation. In trying to attract a mate, women should always remain passive.

This shameless behavior is a direct result of the radical liberal feminist influence on our society. Apparently this idea of strict gender roles in which the man has more power isn't really fair. So the feminist alternative is a relationship of mutual respect where power is shared and no one person rules over the other. There's a problem though, this leads to strong disagreements and is not at all what God intended.

In order for a woman to be a good wife she must be submissive to her husband. This woman who acts so aggresively would clearly make a terrible wife as she would attempt impose her own will at the same time her husband tries to impose his. I'll tell you, you give a woman an inch and then she expects the 3 feet that God entitles a man to. Absolutely Ridiculous!

So my advice to you, Curt, is to let her know that her domineering behavior will make her a bad wife. The fear of never finding Mr. Right should be enough to set her straight. Just don't blame yourself for any of this; you're just a man and women are expected to show more restraint.

Send your own moral queries to: The Moral Mailbox.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Justice Sunday II: Judicial Reckoning

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Certainly we all remember the inspiring event dubbed Justice Sunday that took place this April. This was an impressive gathering of Christian Right speakers including Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family who all talked about countering judicial activism. Everyone involved was just plain sick and tired of the anti-Christian courts legislating from the bench and godless Democrats threatening to filibuster any judge who believes in God. Who could blame them?

Well, thanks to the overwhelming success of the first Justice Sunday, the old gang is back again. This time the event is to be called Justice Sunday II: God Save the United States and this Honorable Court. While I agree that we again need to be taught the importance of appointing Christian judges, I think the event should be called Justice Sunday II: Judicial Reckoning. I just think this name has more punch and would attract a younger audience.

But I suppose I'll give the good doctor some credit, he has decided to appear as a guest on the Hannity and Colmes show tonight (9PM ET) -- a show very popular with the youth of today. That's right, kids, Sean Hannity and Dr. James Dobson in the same room -- pretty rad, huh? I just hope that idiot Colmes decides not to come into work today and ruin this totally awesome interview.

But I digress.

Justice Sunday II is happening on August 14th at 7pm ET. It will be shown in some churches and on various religious networks. This Justice Sunday sequel will also feature a true man of principle: House Majority Leader Tom Delay.

I honestly can't wait to watch this, because only then will I know whether John Roberts is a good pick for the Supreme Court. They're sure to talk about him and how I as a Christian should feel about him. All I need is a wink from Dr. Dobson and I'll know Roberts is a true man of God.

Justice Sunday II: Get Ready for a Judicial Reckoning of Biblical Proportions.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Potter’s Pestilence

by Herman B. Hayes

Harry Potter and his friends are back again.

I have done it again, readers: I have put myself on the line for you. I dove into the cesspool of evil so that I can inform you of the dangers therein. I recently finished reading the latest installment of the Harry Potter series, and sadly, nothing has changed. The latest book, The Half-Blood Prince, is yet another romp in the garden of Satan. The book is filled with the use of “magic” and again makes no mention of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Do not let your children read this book.

Do not even let your children talk to their friends about it. This book, and the others, are nothing more than indoctrination manuals for the occult and witchcraft. Harry Potter and his friends Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, and the rest are all followers of the Dark Lord. I do not mean the character Voldemort, who also goes by that name. I mean Satan.

This book attempts to teach children spells and incantations that will invite Satan into your very home. God is doubtlessly appalled by this, and you should be too. Only God has the powers that are attributed to the characters in this book. The only forum in which your children should be exposed to these things is in the Church, where the truth is taught. Do you want your children to be mindless followers of Satan?

There is only one book for children.

That book is, of course, the Bible. Children need to learn how to read, this is the truth. However, they do not need to learn to read from a Satanist like J. K. Rowling. All the words that a child will ever need are contained within the Bible.

Decoding the text was not difficult.

Let us take a quick look at the evil words that can be formed using the letters contained in the names of the three principal characters. These characters are Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger. Below is the list:
  • Satan
  • Hate
  • Hater
  • Threat
  • Pain
  • Degenerating
  • Porn
  • Grimy
  • Thong
  • Python
  • Orgy
  • Gory
  • Horny
  • Wrong
  • Sin
  • Endangerment
  • Derangement
  • Renegade
  • Thigh
  • Sly
  • Leathered
  • Desperate
  • Rioter
Take the time to read those words again. Is this how you want your children to end up? Well, that is what will happen if you allow them to read any of the Harry Potter books. I know that I want to protect my children. I read this book, and found it vile. I took it outside, doused it in lighter fluid, burnt it to ashes, and buried it with the five books that came before it.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Santorum for President

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Looking at the field of Presidential hopefuls for 2008 there is only one potential Republican candidate that is Christian enough to earn my endorsement. This is a man who is strongly and vocally opposed to homosexuality, abortion, and birth control. He's a social conservative's social conservative -- Pennsylvania’s own Rick Santorum.

When it comes time to select who will be our Republican nominee for President, all Christians will be faced with a great choice. There will be the temptation to vote for a more electable candidate such as the moderate senator, John McCain. Since McCain has broad support among both Republicans and Democrats he would be a very easy candidate to run. There is one problem though: McCain does not represent what I want the Republican Party to be.

McCain supports stem cell research, supports homos, and is weak on family values. He is far from a Christian friendly candidate. If you'll remember he even criticized our saintly President Bush in the 2000 campaign for being too closely tied to the Religious Right. McCain simply does not have the moral authority to be President.

Our choice is simple: we must choose Rick Santorum to be our nominee in 2008.

I realize that getting Rick Santorum into the White House will be an uphill battle. In fact there's a very good chance we'll lose this fight, but this isn't about simply winning an election. My hope is that someday every Republican will be a family friendly conservative. We need to make it impossible for a moderate like McCain to win in a Republican primary. We are sanctifying the Republican field and thereby purifying the Republican Party. In choosing Santorum we will send a clear message to dispassionately moderate Republicans like McCain: start looking for new jobs, you godless unbelievers.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Enough Already

by Herman B. Hayes

We have played for long enough in the sandbox.

We have spent far too much time in Iraq, folks. It is now time to do something drastic. Should we pull out, you ask? No! It would be a sin to pull out before the job is done. We need to escalate our operations in Iraq. It is time for a new strategy.

It is time for total war.

Too many young Americans are perishing in the sands of Saddam-land. We need to stop messing around with the insurgents. We need to stop attacking them in limited engagements. We must flatten them with every possible weapon at our disposal. We need a million soldiers on the ground and in the air. From Al Mawsil in the north to An Nasiriyah in the south should be black with our fighters and bombers. The citizenry of Iraq is harboring the terrorists, and there is no reason to spare them.

Maybe there is another option?

Maybe there would be, if the United Nations was not such a weak and useless organization. Where are they? I thought that it was their job to be peace keepers, not ours. Why do we pay our U.N. dues promptly and in full each year? So many questions, and so few answers. So, Mr. Anan, it comes down to this. You must either give us some help in Iraq, or make no mention of it when we initiate total war upon them. It is your call, Kofi, step up to your responsibilities, or watch us devastate a country that has already been devastated in the proper amount?

Don’t bolt, Bolton!

Our beloved President Bush bypassed the Senate Monday and appointed John Bolton as ambassador to the U.N. I am very pleased to hear this good news. Bolton is a man who will stand up to the U.N., and let them know that they are useless. This is what they need to hear. It will take a strong man like Mr. Bolton to shock the United Nations into doing their job. Someone needs to remind them that it is their duty to keep the peace in a violence ridden nation like Iraq, not our duty.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tracking Sex Offenders

by Herman B. Hayes

Last week in the Senate it was decided that we need better monitoring of sex offenders. Well, here is my simple thought on that topic:

No kidding.

Of course we need better monitoring and tracking of sex offenders. Anyone who doubts this is either an idiot, a sex offender themselves, or is just waiting for the chance. Below, I will briefly outline what I feel should be done to keep track of these criminals, who really should have got the death penalty in the first place.
  1. Pigmentation: All released sex offenders should be required to be injected with bright red or orange pigmentation as a condition of their parole. Just stay away from the colored people.
  2. Sandwich boards: Sex offenders would be forced to wear signs stating the nature and date of their offense. They would be required to call out that pertinent information in a sing-song voice.
  3. People who live in glass houses: Upon release, sex offenders would have to live in glass or Plexiglas structures, with no hidden areas. In this manner people would always be able to know what the vile pervert was up to.
  4. Shock collars: They work on dogs, don’t they? Families that live in the vicinity of sex offenders would be provided with remote controls, enabling them to give a shock to the offender at any time.
  5. Erection alarms: For male offenders, I would propose a system that sets off a horribly loud audible alarm anytime that the criminal has an erection. This would, of course, be rendered moot by chemical or physical castration.
These are simple and affordable solutions to the problem of tracking sex offenders. Any one of them would do on their own, and a combination of one of more would be even more effective. We cannot rely on the ability of our nation’s morons to check a list to see if there is someone in their neighborhood that they should be wary of. So, in closing, this new legislation is a start. A weak, useless, tepid start.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Bill Frist Is Dead to Me

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You think you know someone, and then they turn around and just break your heart. I used to think that Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist was a good man -- a great man even. But he has proven that he is "God's heart and lung surgeon of righteousness" no longer.

Last Friday Bill Frist decided to ignore both the will of the President and the will of God and came out publicly in support of a stem cell research bill. Here's what the formerly godly man had to say during his speech on the Senate floor:
I believe the president’s policy should be modified. We should expand federal funding ... and current guidelines governing stem cell research, carefully and thoughtfully, staying within ethical bounds
But here's the statement that just added insult to injury:
It’s not just a matter of faith, it’s a matter of science
Not just a matter of faith, eh Dr. Frist? It's a matter of science as well, you say? Very interesting, sir, very interesting. Oh, so you think it would be better to use those embryros for research that could help to cure millions than to just throw them away. Absolutely Fascinating.

A question though, Mr. Senate Majority Leader: Who do you think made all those millions of people sick? Hmmm? Well, I'll tell you: God did. And you can bet he had a good reason to do so. Do not undercut the authority of God by supporting research that could undo his just punishments.

I would personally rather see all those embryos left over from in-vitro fertilizations thrown away than used for such liberal mad science. The figurative blood of all those embryos is now on your hands -- On your hands, Frist.

Federal funding should not be used to promote the destruction of human life -- or at least not the kind of destruction that could actually help cure people of their debilitating diseases. I guess I'm just a little more moved by the absolute authority of God than a bunch of sob stories about life-threatening illnesses.

But it seems that a disease of a different kind has spread to Senator Bill Frist. The dark disease of moderate Republicanism. Just one small step away from a full blown case of liberalism. Much more deadly than any of these diseases Frist hopes to help cure. Liberalism is a disease with a simple prognosis: eternal damnation.

I can't even look at this man without being filled with anger and disappointment. I used to respect him, but he's dead to me now. As dead as his chances of ever becoming President of these United States.

See Also: I am proudly Anti-Cure