Wednesday, August 10, 2005

If Kerry Had Won (Part I)

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know I look at President Bush's rapidly sinking approval rating and it just makes me sick. So to those who no longer support President Bush I offer you this glimpse into what might have been..

If Kerry Had Won

It's the year 2006 and just about one year to the day that President John F. Kerry was inaugurated. Former President Bush looks out from a darkened room in his Crawford ranch. "What has happened to this nation I love so deeply," he asks himself shaking his head in disbelief.

"Her promise of freedom is dying before my very eyes."

It's 9am and he's already drinking. He was clean for almost three decades but it only took three months of a Kerry presidency to drive him back to the bottle. A tear rolls down his unwashed face. "How could I have let this happen? How could the voters have let this happen?" He closes his eyes and takes another swig of Jim Beam. "The dream of America is dead."

Meanwhile back in Washington President John Kerry prepares for his first State of the Union address. His speechwriters are still finding it difficult to put a positive spin on his disastrous first year. After an unprecendented cut in military spending to help fund various welfare programs the US economy is in dire straights and over half the country is without a job. The writers decide to omit any mention of the economy from the speech. While they continue to hash out the rest of the wording, President Kerry argues with himself over his tie choice.

"The red tie makes me look strong, but maybe too strong."
"On the other hand this blue tie would be very comforting, but I don't know if it's bold enough"

Suddenly Kerry's Chief of Staff, Wesley Clark rushes into the room and interrupts. "We are under attack, Mr. President. There have been 11 coordinated attacks so far and that's not the worst of it. They say they have a nuclear bomb in every major city." Upon hearing this Kerry faints into Clark's arms but not before soiling himself. "God help us," Clark cries as he lets Kerry's lanky body fall to the ground. "God help us all!"

Soon after the attacks, the news networks begin showing footage of the terrorists involved in the attacks. Since we are no longer taking the fight to them, they took the fight to us and on our soil with a jihad vengeance. Their leader speaks to a frightened nation:

"We are responsible for these attacks and there are more to come unless you submit to our demands. Otherwise we shall unleash complete and utter desolation across your nation. Surrender your firearms and Bibles and we shall leave you in peace. Accept Allah as your God and denounce Jesus Christ and the attacks will end. "

Bush can't believe what he is seeing as he watches this terrorist leader speak these hateful words on his television. He doesn't hesitate for a second. He throws his half empty liquor bottle against the wall and it shatters. He is suddenly more sober than he has been in months. "I can't sit by and let this happen any longer. This ends now."

"George, where are you going?" Laura asks.
"I'm off to save this country from the evil-doers one last time," Bush says as he puts on his cowboy hat and walks out the door and into the night.

Read Part II

20 Comments:

At August 10, 2005 1:00 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

How could I have let this happen?

Sir, you captured our glorious president so well. I have never seen a man so willing to take responsibility. Bush would blame himself for the mistakes of the voters. Clearly if Bush lost it would be the voters fault for buying into the liberal propaganda. I have watched this president closely for over four years now and I’d be hard pressed to find any mistakes that he has made.

 
At August 10, 2005 1:28 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: Yeah, I think if anything President Bush is too hard on himself. He's done a great job and I just hope he's enjoying his well earned vacation right now.

 
At August 10, 2005 4:08 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

I wish that too Michael, but we both know he never stops thinking about the troops over in Iraq and Afghanistan. I bet right now he’s meeting with some of the families that have loved ones that were killed in Iraq. I just wish he’d go easier on himself and really take some time off.

 
At August 10, 2005 4:40 PM, Blogger Allisoni Balloni said...

Vacation from reality, that is. I worry for the health and safety of those living in close proximity to you. May they be covering their ears at all times.

 
At August 10, 2005 5:39 PM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

Poor President Bush. A man who's spiritual enlightenment is rarely seen these days. I pray for him once an hour every day while I am awake. If Kerry had won I shudder to think of what would have happened to such a Compassionate Principled man like our President Bush. Kerry would have ruined this country, he would have given out sidewalk abortions, removed religion from all aspects of public life, and persecuted us Christians something terrible. Kerry would have let the damned arab ragheads waltz all over this country. I thank God that Kerry did not get elected to ruin this wonderful Compassionate Christian Country of ours.

It is good to know that poor George is taking a well earned vacation. A pious man such as himself, deserves it.

 
At August 10, 2005 6:03 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: I know, he's the type of guy that honors the sacrifice our soliders. He would certainly make himself available to anyone who has felt the incredible pain of such a loss.

giovanni: I know, I am so grateful that he is still our President. Wait for the exciting conclusion to this tale tommorow, and you'll see why it's so dangerous to ever vote for a "man" like Kerry.

 
At August 10, 2005 7:16 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Allisoni: You just have nothing positive to say about America do you? Why do you hate this country so much?

 
At August 11, 2005 1:24 AM, Blogger Allisoni Balloni said...

I do not hate this country at all. I love it and therefore am embarrassed that the administration representing it has made poor decisions that have cost thousands of lives. We are in terrible standing with the rest of the world, and that doesn't sound like the prime time for the president to take yet another vacation. He must soon learn that he just can't hide from war crimes.

 
At August 11, 2005 1:24 AM, Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Those of us who love our country should be ever more aggressive in demanding that the 22nd Amendment be overturned so that we can keep our strong, and far-sighted President.

We have a lot of time to get this done-it is important that we work hard on it.

 
At August 11, 2005 1:44 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Jollyroger: You are a true patriot, but I see no need to change or repeal the 22nd Amendment which reads:

No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice…

It seems to me with all the liberal propaganda permeating the media that voters no longer have the proper information to make the correct decision in such an important manner. We should seriously consider having the House of Representatives appoint the position of president.

Allisoni: Your extremism shines through like a super nova.

 
At August 11, 2005 2:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats brilliant! You guys crack me up! You should produce your own tv show...whats it called over there?...comedy central, thats it! Keep up the good work.

 
At August 11, 2005 9:49 AM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

We should imprison all of the godless atheist liberals in this country. Then Our wonderful devout compassionate pious God-fearing President George Bush will be able to truly run this country the way it should be run.

I don't understand why those horrible heathen liberals don't support the war in Iraq. Don't they know that the cause we are fighting is a holy one? One day all the Muslim unbelievers who worship their false God will be damned to hell, and as America it is our God Given duty to dispatch their unseemly ways from this world and into the next as quickly as possible.

 
At August 11, 2005 3:36 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

jollyroger: I agree 8 years simply is not enough. Perhaps if we can get some more conservative judges on the Supreme Court, something can be done there.

allisoni hatesAmericaoni: Please, enough with the America bashing. The terrorists don't need your help to further their cause.

 
At August 11, 2005 3:39 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

giovanni: I am so grateful that we have reasonable people like Alberto Gonzalez in the Bush administration that agree with you. Lock up those terrorists, and don't bind our President's hands. It's just common sense.

 
At August 20, 2005 2:16 AM, Blogger God is my Homie said...

Hey,
How ya doing Michael I just wanted to say keep up the good work.

Keep up the evil, 666

Yours Truly,
Satan

 
At November 04, 2008 10:14 PM, Blogger GenMuffin7 said...

you support the war in iraq that is killing hundreds of thousands of innocents just to spread your faith?

that shocks and amazes me. you believe everyone who does not share your beliefs should be jailed? what happened to religious tolerance? freedom of speech?

 
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