Thursday, August 11, 2005

If Kerry Had Won (Part II)

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Note: If you missed Part I, read that first. Now for the thrilling conclusion of...

If Kerry Had Won


At the Texas Nation Guard air force base, Donald Rumsfeld is reduced to cleaning fighter planes on the runway. It's been a tough year for the former Secretary of Defense, but I guess it's been a tough year for all Americans.

Rumsfeld squints as he sees a masculine silhouette in the distance. "Who's there?" he shouts. "It's me, Rummy, and I'm back to finish the War of Terror," Bush answers as he comes clearly into view.

Bush!! I've heard all kinds of rumors. Nobody has heard from you since the election. People said you became a recluse, and started hitting the bottle again. What happened to you?
None of that matters now, because I'm back to finish this once and for all.
I knew you couldn't stay away, Bush, you never could
Where's my jet?
She's all gassed up and ready to go just like you left her.
Good, because I've got some bringing it on to do.
Are you sure you're up for this, Mr. President? You've been gone for quite a while.
Of course I am, Rumsfeld, I got the coordinates for the terrorists' hideout in Washington D.C., and I'm going to take them all out myself.
There's no way you can do that alone – It'll be a suicide mission.
That's the only kind of mission I'll do.
You're just as bravely defiant as you've always been. America has missed you, sir.

Bush hops into his jet and positions himself in the cockpit for takeoff. "Don't wait up, Rummy, I'm not coming back until I personally kill every last one of those fiends." Bush eases his way off the runway and takes off masterfully. "It's time to smoke some terrorists out of their holes." He quips as he flies off into the cool night.

Bush arrives at the terrorists' lair and lands his plane directly on top of three guards. He jumps out ready for action. He handles the remaining guards with stealth and fighting moves learned from his extensive military training. He eventually works his way to the central meeting room of this evil hideout, but not before leaving a pile of badly beaten Islamic extremists in his wake.

Bush kicks down the door to this meeting room and is met with an unbelievable sight once the dust has cleared. Staring directly at him is the mysterious terrorist leader who was responsible for the attacks. This time though his face is not obscured, he is now recognized as none other than Osama bin Laden. This henious monster turns his head and continues to talk with President John Kerry who urinated down his leg the second he heard the loud bang of that door coming down.

"I'm here to stop you, Osama, from destroying this country" Bush shouts. "I think not! Your weak and craven President has already signed away your country to me. There is nothing left to save." bin Laden says as he lets out a deep sinister laugh.

Kerry looks sheepishly at Bush and explains "I tried everything to negotiate with them, but this is the only way."

"I won't let this stand, I've liberated countries before and I will once again liberate America"
Bush slaps Kerry across the face and Kerry lets out an effeminate scream before falling to the floor. Bush turns to Osama and looks him directly in his beady eyes. "This isn't over yet, Osama, I'll be back to reclaim my country. You can count on it."

Bush marches out of there determined to build and lead an army to defeat this new insurgent threat. Will he succeed? With God on his side he's sure he can win, but says aloud "If only the American people had voted for me this wouldn't have happened, they may have turned their back on me, but I can never turn my back on America." If Kerry hadn't won, our very freedom wouldn't be on the line, but at least things are a little more hopeful now that Bush is here to once again save America.

The End?

35 Comments:

At August 11, 2005 3:26 PM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

You have captured our President's love for his America and his fellow Americans perfectly. Kudos on reminding us all of why it was so important that we keep our President right where he is!

 
At August 11, 2005 3:34 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

conservative patriot: Yes, I tried to capture the president as someone who is strong, tough and willing to fight for our freedom. I'm so thankful for him.

 
At August 11, 2005 3:48 PM, Blogger scribe said...

This is some of the best parody I've ever read!!! Keep it up, tight-ass!!!

 
At August 11, 2005 3:51 PM, Blogger WichitaJack said...

There you have it. Proof positive that Bush is better for America. Now all the liberal whiners can shut up!

Thankfully, enough conservative Christians, the "true Americans", voted for the one man who can keep out country free and strong and righteous, and this tragedy was avoided!

 
At August 11, 2005 4:07 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

scribe: I thought I could count you among my followers, but your homosexual advances make me strongly question that.

witchitajack: We both know the liberal whiners will never shut up no matter how many times they are proven wrong. At least we are blessed to not have a cry baby liberal like Kerry in the White House.

 
At August 11, 2005 4:10 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Every liberal in America is spreading propaganda that Bush somehow failed to capture Osama bin Laden. Total lies! Yet, I bet they remain silent that one of their own has had direct dealings with the man that they claim is responsible for September 11th. Why is Kerry still a senator? Why isn’t he in prison?!!!

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS AND JUST MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!!!!

 
At August 11, 2005 6:23 PM, Blogger scribe said...

What, does it bother you that I noticed your tight ass?

 
At August 11, 2005 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

scribe=pillow muncher

 
At August 11, 2005 6:38 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: I know what you mean. I vaguely remember the Swift Boat Vets saying something about Kerry being in league with Bin Laden.

As far as blaming bush, that's just the liberal mantra. I'm going to write a post next week about Bush and Bin Laden actually.

scribe: Clean up your act, you vile pervert or consider yourself excommunicated from this blog.

 
At August 11, 2005 7:03 PM, Blogger scribe said...

I never munch pillows, baby! I takes it like a MANNNNNNN!!!!

 
At August 11, 2005 7:04 PM, Blogger scribe said...

Aren't all perverts by definition "vile?"

 
At August 11, 2005 7:07 PM, Blogger scribe said...

Damn this "article" gets funnier with each read. LOL!!!

 
At August 11, 2005 9:14 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

scribe: You're scaring the Christians, knock it off.

 
At August 11, 2005 11:10 PM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

Scribe how DARE you call an article praising our Compassionate Christian Conservative president parody. You sicken me you hedonist liberal filthy heathen.
Obviosly when god destroyed Sodom and Gommorah he forgot to destroy you as well. Thankfully on the day of judgement you shall be forced to burn in the fires of hell with the rest of your ilk for all of eternity.

Michael Gregory Steele, once again your blog entry about our president is spot on God Bless you Sir. It is an honor to have witnessed your preaching. Your absolutely right, our President loves this country so much he would fight for it even after it stabbed him in the back. We know our president can fight these False God worshipping terrorist killers because not only does he talk tough, he can fly jets as well. I still remember the day he flew that plane onto the aircraft carrier that had the Mission Accomplished banner on it. It brings tears to my eyes when the evil liberal media debase him so.

God Bless you Michael Gregory Steele and God Bless Our President.

 
At August 12, 2005 2:54 AM, Blogger KerryEdwards08 said...

This is a terrible blog! Bush is a terrible man, along with every single person whos ever even thought a thought that's nature was conservative! Liberals are what this nation's foundation!

If kerry would have won, he would have walked up to osama and gave him a rose, then osama would have been emotionally touched and would have given kerry a big hug! then that would be the end of terrorism!

 
At August 12, 2005 5:01 AM, Blogger M.R. said...

M.G.S. - You're either blessed with a vivd imagination or deep in the throes of a hallucinogenic stupor. I think stupor is the operative word here.

You're making Bush out be a regular John Wayne but you don't realize that even John Wayne wasn't John Wayne, his real name was Marion. George Bush is as believable as a terrorist fighter as Don Knotts is as a Navy Seal. What the hell are you smoking?

 
At August 12, 2005 7:41 AM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

m.r.: How dare you slander Michael Gregory Steele, a paragon of moral virtues if there ever was one, with your accusations of unholy substance abuse. Perhaps YOU are the one using these substances and are confusing Mr. Steele's imagined problems with your own.

Seek professional help immediately and pray to God that he see's fit to have you cured of your liberal perversions. Michael Gregory Steele is a great man, how dare you say otherwise.

God Bless This Blog

 
At August 12, 2005 8:51 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

m.r.: I thought God had seen fit to drop you off the face of a cliff. Well, I guess not every one of my prayers can be answered.

You question President Bush's toughness? And this coming from a peace protesting tree hugging hippie? Unbelievable.

 
At August 12, 2005 8:55 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kerryedwards08: You seem vaguely familiar... nah, the guy you remind me of was a Godly conservative not a brainless liberal like yourself.

giovanni: It's just incredible the kinds of things these liberals will say, isn't it? Of course none of these idiots would be willing to say these things to President Bush's face.
They're all cowards.

 
At August 12, 2005 9:47 AM, Anonymous RED STATE SECCIONIST said...

This is one of the greatest stories I have read in a long time.

You should option the script as a movie to Rupert Murdoch. At last we common men can fight back against liberal elitists who hat America like Michael Moore and Tom Cruise.

For the sequel you should detail the horrifying Islamic fundamentalist state that Osama Bin Ladan turns America into.

The most horrifying thing he would probably do is to assault our conservative American values. His first target would be the culture of life, he would destroy this by making gay marriage legal and have school nurses provide abortion on demand to students.

Also, he would probably set up a ruling council of hardened liberals like Hitlery Klintoon, Ted Kennedy, Barbara Boxer and Dick Durbin to oversee the conversion of America from a Conservative Christian country to a liberal islamic country.

 
At August 12, 2005 9:58 AM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

And even worse he would make us have sex for reasons other than procreation.

 
At August 12, 2005 10:07 AM, Anonymous RED STATE SECCIONIST said...

Giovanni: I shudder at the thought.

 
At August 12, 2005 12:52 PM, Anonymous kerryedwards08 said...

mr. steele, the reason i seem familiar is because it's me, bushcheney08 (aka jayson wilson). i created a liberal version of myself so that i can poke fun at liberals and no one will no its me. Aren't i sneaky? The best part is that it's never been done before. i thought it up all by myself because i'm clevver.

i don't want everyone to figure out that it's me so don't post this. if it does get posted i will pretend i didn't write it.

 
At August 12, 2005 1:10 PM, Anonymous RED STATE SECCIONIST said...

kerryedwards08: HAW, HAW!

I thought you was serious!

I can see how funny it is now!

I should give it a try some time.

I could post as "americahater" or "americasux".

Then I could talk about what a big dumb liberal I am and how I burn American flags and believe in evolutionism and how I'm glad I'm going to hell.

 
At August 12, 2005 1:19 PM, Blogger KerryEdwards08 said...

This is preposterous! someone has figured out my password! I now know that noone is safe on the internet, especially to a bunch of bush supporting, america hating, wackos like you!

 
At August 12, 2005 1:46 PM, Anonymous RED STATE SECCIONIST said...

Hey, KerryEdwards08, tell us again about how you think evolutionsim and scientists is better than Jesus.

An I wanna hear about how we should be having peace talks with Al Quaeda and Sadam Hussien.

HAW, HAW!!!

 
At August 12, 2005 2:22 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

red state seccionist: From the way you write I would postulate that you seceded from your third grade class. Of course, furthermore, your opinions are invalid.

 
At August 12, 2005 2:52 PM, Anonymous RED STATE SECCIONIST said...

I secceded from public school.

That's why I'm a proud Republican and not a Godless socialist.

I strongly encourage everyone here to home school their kids, because public schools are filled with atheists, communists, liberals and feminists.

 
At August 12, 2005 4:54 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Giovanni - Your zealotry is matched only by your insanity.

M.G.S. - I see you're finally coming down from that bad trip of yours and acting like the imbecil I'm accustomed to. Welcome back.

 
At August 13, 2005 10:31 AM, Blogger scribe said...

Bush 2:

The Hunt for Hitler's Brain

 
At August 13, 2005 1:32 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

m.r.: You've been missed... no actually you haven't. Go crawl back under whatever rock you've been hiding under.

scribe: Try not to trivialize this story by comparing it to some godless Hollywood blockbuster.

 
At August 13, 2005 1:44 PM, Blogger scribe said...

OK,

Bush 2:

The search for god's brain.

 
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At August 21, 2011 10:39 PM, Anonymous generic levitra said...

I think for better results changes are must..I hope he should won..All the Best..

 

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