Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Yes, Michael Jr., Dinosaurs Are Cool

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

When I caught my son, Michael Jr. playing with toy dinosaurs a couple years back I was furious. "How could you let those godless evolutionists corrupt you with these blaphemous toys," I asked him. His pathetic 10 year old reply was "because they're cool." I wonder how cool he thought his toys were while he watched me burn them all into a melted plastic mass in our yard.

But maybe Michael Jr. was actually on to something...

You see some creationists have now decided to co-opt the coolness of dinosaurs. Yes, maybe dinosaurs in all their coolness do have a place within the story of creation. According to an LA Times article creation scientists are using dinosaurs to glorify God instead of using them to turn children away from Jesus Christ:
"We're putting evolutionists on notice: We're taking the dinosaurs back," said Ken Ham, president of Answers in Genesis, a Christian group building a $25-million creationist museum in Petersburg, Ky., that's already overrun with model sauropods and velociraptors.

"They're used to teach people that there's no God, and they're used to brainwash people," he said. "Evolutionists get very upset when we use dinosaurs. That's their star."
I had always personally thought that dinosaurs were an invention of godless evolution proponents. These creatures that contradicted the story of creation were no more real to me than unicorns -- simply a marketing ploy to sell kids on the idea of evolution. But after reading this article I can now say that dinosaurs did in fact exist.

You see, according to creation scientists, dinosaurs were around in the Garden of Eden but they weren't meat eaters until Adam and Eve ate that forbidden apple. Also, according to the theory, some dinosaurs were among the animals on Noah's Ark while the rest were drown in the great flood. These creationists are insightful enough to read between the lines of the Bible. Sure it didn't say there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark but it also didn't say there weren't dinosaurs there.

Given this new information, I have come up with a fun art project to work on with Michael Jr. We're going to be creating a model of the Garden of Eden complete with dinosaurs. Yes, I think a velociraptors would look great daintily nibbling on a carrot next to the Tree of Knowledge.

It looks like you were actually right about something for a change, Michael Jr., dinosaurs can be cool.

Idiotic counter-point: Agnosticism / Atheism

18 Comments:

At August 31, 2005 1:15 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Damn Eve for making Dinosaurs extinct! How great would it have been to have a Velociraptor to sick on some dirty hippie that got too close to your home? Pretty great, but that whore had to have that apple and now men are stuck with Pit Bulls and woman are stuck with the cramps they deserve.

 
At August 31, 2005 7:01 AM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

But in our haste to embrace the dinosaurs let us not forget that those God-less "evolution scientists" must be punished here on Earth before they are condemned to the fires of hell.

God Bless You Michael and Herman. And God Bless This Blog.

 
At August 31, 2005 8:00 AM, Anonymous SaneConservative said...

Ok, reading these posts was fun for a few days - but I think I must stop now. I mean, I did find all of the satire quite funny - it IS satire, right? People living in a civilized world don't really believe this craziness - well, wait, isn't this type of religious zealotry/absolute (iditotic) intolerance comparable to goals and ideals of the Taliban/any other oppressor of freedom? All in the name of god/allah/whatever?

kirk - you are a supreme dumbass. you should be too ashamed to breathe.

evolution all the way, baby!

I'm a believer in God, just not the same one you crazies follow. Good luck with your strange anger spouting (bless the tolerable freedoms that allow you to spout such nonsense) and god bless!

 
At August 31, 2005 9:53 AM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

Saneconservative:
Are you insane? How can you worship God and believe in Evolution? You will surely burn in the fire's of hell.

And this site is most certainly NOT satire. It is Gods honest truth. God Bless This Blog.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Repent and maybe God in his ever-loving grace will allow your soul to be saved.

I pray that one day you will see the light and realize your foolishness.

 
At August 31, 2005 12:19 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: Well put, although the dinosaurs didn't become extinct until humans killed the ones the survived from Noah's Ark, it can all be traced back to her.

Oh, if not for Eve pushing that forbidden fruit there would still be dinosaurs frolicking in the meadows.

giovanni: We are punishing these scientists by discrediting their work and making their life's work meaningless.

 
At August 31, 2005 12:22 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to pull the plug on this thing. If saneconservative is no longer interested in reading what I have to say, what's the point of even posting here.

This blog was merely an attempt to get his attention and since it seems that he barely even knows I'm alive, why bother.

 
At August 31, 2005 1:19 PM, Blogger M.R. BushCheney08 said...

You guys really missed the boat on this one. Dinosaurs died out because they were all flaming homos and they just stopped procreating. Maybe you guys think it would cool to have 25-ton homos running around, waving their massive cloacas in everyone's faces, but I find it repulsive.

And this isn't just theory. I know this is true because there is a stegosaurus shacking up with bigfoot in the dumpster behind the Safeway.

Homosexuality is wrong and guys should never have butt-sex. Tongue kissing between guys is okay though because that's kinda cool.

 
At August 31, 2005 3:31 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

"bushcheney08": I'm starting to think that you're not who you say you are. I mean most of the comment seems plausible, but I'm not really sure that the real bushcheney08 lives anywhere near a Safeway/

 
At August 31, 2005 5:07 PM, Blogger M.R. BushCheney08 said...

The Safeway is at 7601 Evergreen Way, Everett, Washington 98203. It is about 5 miles from where I live.

You should be more trusting. After all, I am a fellow conservadive. I hate all liberals except for barbra streisand because she has such a beutiful voice and I enjoy showtunes.

 
At August 31, 2005 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the true path to freedom is through sucking your own jonny cum lately!!!

 
At August 31, 2005 6:24 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: Yes, we heard you the first time you posted this comment. It's one thing to use vulgarity, but if it's not even mildly amusing then you're just wasting everyone's time.

 
At August 31, 2005 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

only cowards post anonymously

 
At September 01, 2005 2:07 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

SaneConservative: Your comment is almost completely incoherent. All I could get out of it was that you believe in the Taliban and Evolution. I hope Satan turns up the flames on you for upsetting Michael. Damn you! Damn you to Hell!

 
At September 01, 2005 11:36 AM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

Michael points out, correctly, that the liberal secular humanists will do everything they can to "prove" that the magnificent creatures created by God were somehow the progeny of a couple of evolved cells from some long-ago pond. I understand the anger over the Dinosaurs-I felt it too, back when I was being brainwashed by the Communist faculties of the various Institutions of Socialist Dogma (commonly known as "public schools") that I attended. They insisted that the dinosaurs somehow "proved" that God does not exist, and then proceeded to see to it that lie after lie was put into our Kim Il-Sung inspired biology books. These Commu-science practitioners thought that they could just make stuff up and erase God. Indeed, what they really want is to BE God!

Yes, for far too long now the TRUTH about the dinosaurs has been suppressed by the liberal educational establishment, but finally, the truth as told by Genesis ("great beasts roamed the Earth") is coming to the fore!

 
At September 02, 2005 5:42 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

conservative patriot: It's clearly a winning strategy to co-opt enough of the science to make our point. Creationism becomes intelligent design and we win the battle over the souls of our children.

 
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