Saturday, July 30, 2005

The Straight and Narrow

by Herman B. Hayes

Today is Straight Pride Day!

Really, though, every day is Straight Pride Day, at least for me. It should be for you, too. The homos think that the way to show pride is to dress like a whore and go parade in the street while groping each other. Now, all of you know my views on the sodomites and lesbians. I am not very fond of them, to say the least. However, I might be slightly less offended, slightly, if they could at least walk down the street with all their clothes on.

It is disgusting.

There is no reason for these children of Satan to flaunt their immorality in this way, but I am beginning to digress. We need to start celebrating Straight Pride Day. We need to celebrate it each and every day of the week. We need to put our heterosexuality at the forefront, and let everyone know how straight we are. We need to dress straight, act straight, walk straight and talk straight. Remember, there is no way for someone to tell you are straight unless you show them you are straight.

It is time for straights to get out of the closet!

Why be timid? We need to show off our pride in being attracted to members of the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong with pickup lines and catcalls, they just prove that you are a man who obeys the word of God. Sexual harassment in the workplace is nothing more than proving that you are righteous. If the object of your Godly comments does not appreciate them, well, they must be nothing more than a minion of Satan. Remember, folks:

We’re here, we’re straight, and also righteous, get used to it.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Doing My Part to Fight Terror.

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Every true American wants to do their part in battling the forces of islamic extremism. Of course my regular Conservative readers support our troops and their Commander in Chief in this fight. I'm sure many of you have a yellow ribbon affixed to the back of your vehicle to attest to this fact. But if you're like me, you sometimes wonder if there's more that you can do, short of enlisting, to help America win this battle.

There is one way you can help the cause, and that is to fight terror with tough talk.

We all know that our terrorist enemies take comfort in the sympathy of this country's left. Instead of strongly condemning this enemy, liberals are busy excusing away the heinous acts of these monsters. When the terrorists see liberals, they see America as a nation filled with al Queda coddlers. This makes our entire nation look weak and such perceived weakness just invites further attack.

Terrorists are like snakes that can sense fear with the flick of their diseased serpent tongues. They slither through the bushes until they find their prey. Liberals make all of us seems as easy a target as an unconscious mouse with four broken legs. Liberal appeasement belies America's true strength.

So what do we do when the enemy starts to see us as vulnerable? The answer is simple -- we remind them that there are still some red-blooded Americans that are still willing to engage in some tough talk. That's why we have to counter this perceived weakness with some good old all-American bravado.

Just look at what Fox News' John Gibson recently said on the subject of battling terrorism:
Five in the noggin is fine. Don't complain that sounds barbaric. We're fighting barbaric.
Don't you think John saying that we needed to shoot them not just once but 5 times in the head gives the terrorists pause? I know it would make me think twice before crossing him. After talk like that, the terrorists now know that John Gibson really means business.

Well, I'm serious about fighting terrorism too and I have this message for all you terrorists who may be reading this blog: You cross me, you'll be met with the fists of Steele. If you try and harm my family, you'll wish for a jail cell at Gitmo to cower in. I'll rip your beard out with my bare hands and carve biblical verses into your chest while defecating on the Quran. Then -- six in the noggin. I guess I'm just not quite as forgiving as John Gibson.

This is not the time for soft words or negotiation. You do not negotiate with absolute evil. While I may not be there fighting alongside our brave soldiers in Iraq, I am certainly doing my part here. I'm standing behind my troops beating my righteous conservative chest and flexing my strong patriotic muscles. I'm letting the terrorists know that if they want to take our freedom, they'll eventually have to go through Michael Gregory Steele to get it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Is John Roberts The Right Man?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Ever since President Bush announced John Roberts as his choice for Supreme Court justice, I've withheld my own judgment. Before our President introduced this man to the nation, I had never heard of him in my life.

I simply don't have enough information on this man to know if he's really a wise choice. I hate to agree with the Democrats on this one, but the country needs to know more about this man. Of course the Democrats want more information on Roberts so they can obstruct his nomination; politics as usual. I, on the other hand, just want to know what any decent American would want to know: Is this the right man to turn the Supreme Court into an instrument of God?

The more I read about him, the more I doubt this is the case. I have read that he was a member of the conservative legal group The Federalist Society. This is the same group that boasts Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia as members. The problem is that Roberts seems so oblivious to this righteous group that he has "no recollection" of being a member. He was a member of the steering committee, yet he seems so indifferent to this group and its idea of strict Constitutionalism that he just can’t remember even being there.

If he can forget being a member of such an important organization, what else could slip his mind if he were made a Supreme Court justice?

I wonder; will he conveniently forget what we're really sending him there to do? Will he be about ready to rule on an abortion case and just freeze in his tracks? "How was I supposed to rule on this?" he'll ask himself. He'll stand there paralyzed and unable to remember if he believes in an implicit "right to privacy" in the Constitution or not. Then he'll crane his neck to see what Ruth Bader Ginsburg is writing. In that very moment everything we've worked for would be lost.

Will he forget that he’s put at that post to proudly hold up the banners of Christianity and Conservativism? Will his amnesia kick in when an opportunity to correct such socials ills as homosexuality, women receiving birth control, or affirmative action presents itself? We need someone with the single minded determination to sanctify this country of ours. I just don’t know if John Roberts is the right man yet.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but this is too serious of an appointment not to overreact to. I want, no, I demand a Supreme Court justice that won’t legislate from the bench. I need to hear from this man’s lips that he will do everything within and outside of his power to weaken abortion. I need to hear that he will work to make God’s law and man’s law synonymous. Finally, we need to make sure that we have a nominee that will once again make us one nation under God, instead of just one nation under gods.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Get The Door. It's Your Salvation.

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Despite my upper crust upbringing, I've always enjoyed sinking my teeth into the delicious crust of a Domino's pizza. In the Steele household, every weekend we eat our fill of this sodium loaded cuisine. Pepperoni and mushroom is my absolute favorite.

Now I have another reason to enjoy this food. I now know that Tom Monaghan, the founder of Domino's Pizza, is constructing a Catholic only town. That's right, Monaghan is building a town for Orthodox Catholics that will be free of atheists and liberals. This realization of my utopian fantasy is to be named "Ave Maria".

This will be a town free of pornography, contraceptives, and unbelievers and will be constructed in Florida in conjunction with a Catholic university of the same name. This will be a place that has a church walking distance from every home. Mass will be heard everyday. There will also be no homeless people to trip over on the way to work. The most important part of this town though is that there will be absolutely no liberals.

Just think of it, a town where I can put up a 10 Commandments monument at a bus stop if I'm so inclined; a town where I can shout "I hate Hillary Clinton" without having to explain why; a town where I can be free of the wanton stares of homosexuals; a town where I can freely worship the right God without fear.

This is what America should be.

Ave Marie is a good start, but we need our entire country to be blanketed by such towns. We need more magnates devoting their money to building such holy cities. We need more captains of industry to step up to start planning their own Christian-only towns. America, great as she is, is in serious need of a moral makeover.

I realize that buying a few pizzas won't help Tom Monaghan in his quest to build a better America. I understand that the man sold all of his interest in the company he founded years ago. But it still makes me feel good to buy a pizza from the company this man helped to shape. I try to only do business with right-minded corporations like this.

Well, I really need to wrap this post up now because I can hear the doorbell. It's Domino's. I can almost smell it now, that sweet smell of pepperoni, mushrooms, and salvation.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Happy Second Amendment Day!

by Herman B. Hayes

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Ahh…the holidays, such a time of happiness and cheer. A time for family, friends, good food, and the giving of gifts. I wish it could be Second Amendment Day all year long. You see, dear readers, in the Hayes household, each July 22nd we celebrate our favorite holiday. You simpletons out there can think of Second Amendment Day as being like Christmas, without the whole part about ignoring Jesus and worshipping some morbidly obese elf-tamer. We gather together, decorate the gun cabinet, and my wife bakes cookies in the shape of rifle rounds and shotgun shells. Early in the morning, we exchange gifts.

The Hayes family exchanges guns.

I love Second Amendment Day. There is no greater feeling of family togetherness than giving each other deadly weapons, weapons filled with love and lead. This year was one of the best in recent memory. My wonderful, God-fearing daughter, Mary, turned three about two months ago, give or take. That meant that she was old enough to get her first gun this year. I bought her a very nice little CO2 powered air pistol, and her first human-form silhouette targets. I almost cried tears of joy as she unwrapped her first handgun.

Terrorists lurk at the grocery store.

That is why I purchased a very concealable .380 automatic handgun for my doting wife, Ruth. She needs something to protect her while she is purchasing my food. My two sons, Jebediah and Nehemiah, fared just as well as the rest of the family this year. I bought Nehemiah, the eldest, a beautiful WASR-10. This is a clone of the AK-47, but made in the good old U.S. of A. (I would never buy a commie gun.) My middle son, Jebediah, was given a Mossberg Marine defense shotgun. I am not too fond of the neighborhoods he has to cross on his paper route. Now, who does that leave? Oh, yes, me! I felt most blessed this year. My family purchased me a genuine HK MP5. Could I be more blessed?

“Ohh, all ye heathens, huddle in your houses, for the Lord will smite thee dead!”

We finish out Second Amendment day by going from house to house, caroling. We sing about the greatness of God, and the evil ways of our neighbors. It is so much fun! Well, readers, I am tired from a day of guns, children, and merriment. Goodnight to all, and keep ‘em loaded.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Battle Continues

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I have received some frantic emails from concerned readers about my sudden disappearance. Some of my followers have described themselves as alone and lost without my words to guide them. Fear not my children, I have not forsaken you.

I simply had to take a few days off to reflect upon my mission after some particularly harsh personal attacks. I have long been slandered and attacked for my deeply held beliefs. I am someone who has the nerve to proudly be a Christian Conservative in an atheist liberal world. I spoke my truth to the godless unbelievers at Bring it On! and my honesty was rewarded with cruel insults. I was greeted with more animosity than I was honestly prepared for.

Despite the best attempts of those heathens to beat me down, I am still here and still speaking the truth to you, my faithful readers. I will not be silenced by those whose cynical hearts are blackened by their own twisted and unholy ideology. I can't allow those who are morally inferior to shake me from my duties.

Those liberals who attack me are afraid of me, and rightfully so. They see in me a foe who is gaining more strength and influence with every post to this blog. They fear me and everything I am destined to become. They know this doesn't all end here. They understand that this blog is merely the start of an ever-growing empire: radio, books, funny T-shirts that enrage liberals and maybe even a TV show. This is where consumerism and conservatism meet. This is where I am ultimately meant to be.

So faced with the threat I pose to them, liberals call me a fraud. They have started an elaborate smear campaign to try and discredit me and my message. I thought I could wait just a month longer before the left-wing hate machine would swing into full gear. I thought I was safe from all this partisan ugliness for just a while longer, but I guess I just tempted fate for too long.

I had the guts to take on Goliath, but he didn't go down with one stone. I stand as the brave and noble David armed with the slingshot of truth and several large rocks of righteousness. I will continue beaming this lumbering giant with rocks until he finally falls to the ground. I may have stumbled after my last shot, but I have picked myself up now and will continue to fight this great battle. The powerful giant of liberalism will fall, this I promise.

Friday, July 15, 2005

I Take the Fight to Them

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

This is a post I wrote for the despicable liberal blog Bring it On!

As a conservative I was surprised to be asked to write a guest post on this nefariously liberal blog. I was asked to share my words in part so that I could help to bridge the ideological gap that divides so many of us in this country. An olive branch was extended to me and I have accepted it. I’ve been given a great opportunity and it will not be wasted. I will use this olive branch given to me in good faith to verbally flog all of you godless liberals with the full fury of the Lord.

I’m not here to listen to or accept your views. No, my ideas and values are set in stone. And I’m also not here to tell you that you’re entitled to your own warped political views. You’re not. I won’t try and elevate the debate or encourage civil discourse. No, I’m here to convert all of you and you don’t do that by respecting anyone else’s ideas. What I want is to turn all of you into shining and pure examples of Christian Conservative Americans.

First, I’m going to let all of you in on a secret: it feels really good to win elections. Being a part of a political party that controls all the levers of government is a truly awesome feeling too. Don’t you sometimes wonder what it would be like to be on a winning team? Surely you do. Join the Republican Party and wonder no longer.

It’s also quite nice not to have to worry about being smitten by God’s vengeful hand. It’s quite a feeling of security knowing that your political ideals don’t anger the Almighty. And you have to admit, a world without gays, feminists or non-Christians wouldn’t be all that terrible. Don’t throw away your vote along with your immortal soul; become a Conservative and swim in the cool waters of righteousness.

Surely you must be tired of just being a part of one of the many liberal interest groups vying for the Democratic Party’s attention. Wouldn’t it be nice to avoid all the ideological in-fighting? The Republican Party is one great big unified interest group. We are of one mind and one voice. This interest is a return to true American values.

Finally, if these appeals to your morality didn’t work, perhaps a simple appeal to your wallet will do the trick. Don’t you want to keep more of your own money just like Jesus intended? Don’t you want to enjoy the spoils of success instead of subsidizing the poor, the sick, and every other lazy sad luck case in this country? You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about every dollar you make. Stop being a moron, claim what’s yours. Become a Republican and all this guilt will be erased.

Just because I was an invited guest here, that doesn’t mean I had to be polite while speaking my piece. When I’m invited to dinner at someone’s house I never have a problem telling them if the meal set before me is a culinary disaster. So in keeping with this analogy, let me finish by saying that the food being served here is disgusting and complete inedible. Also, it’s being served to me by complete idiots. You don’t want to be an idiot, do you? Join the Republican Party.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Dark Liberal Influence

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It seems that liberals aren't satisfied simply slandering Karl Rove, they have to go after my favorite senator, Rick Santorum, as well. Unbelievably Ted Kennedy of all people had the gall to criticize the saintly Senator Rick Santorum yesterday. Apparently Ted "bloated head" Kennedy thinks Santorum owes the city of Boston an apology.

What could Rick have done to owe an entire city an apology? He simply spoke the truth about the dark liberal influence.

In an article he wrote 3 years ago about the Catholic Church's priest molestation scandal, Rick lays the blame firmly where it belongs: the corrupting influence of liberal ideals.
When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm.
Do you see anything wrong with this statement? I certainly don't. We all understand how serious of a threat liberalism poses to this country. I mean do I have to draw a diagram for these liberal idiots? It's really quite simple; Conservative: man of God, Liberal: probable pedophile.

I seem to remember something else about a pair of cities that succumbed to the dark influence of liberal hedonism like Boston. Maybe you've heard of them: Sodom and Gomorrah. There wasn't a person in either of these cities that God deemed worthy of living and he destroyed them all. I'm not saying that Boston is quite to the level of damnation these cities were, but if Boston continues to vote Democrat it's only a matter of time.

I'm not going to beat around the bush here, liberalism is responsible for anything that can be construed as evil. Liberalism is responsible for those priests molesting alter boys. Liberalism is responsible for terrorism. Liberalism is responsible for those undesired homosexual fantasies you might experience during normal sexual congress with your wife. Liberalism seeks to destroy everything good.

The way I see it, you have two choices: follow me in this righteous fight against liberalism or become a liberal yourself. Either isolate yourself and your family from the dangerous ideas of liberalism or succumb to them. Personally, I'd choose death before I would ever choose the later.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Leave Karl Rove Alone!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I just wrote a post a couple days ago singing the praises of Karl Rove. Well, now this great man of God is under attack by the same pack of liberal extremist who dare to question President Bush's every move. I have a message to all you reporters, bloggers and godless unbelievers who are trying to bring down Karl Rove: Cut it out!

You all seem to forget yourself. Karl Rove is a man who is beyond reproach.

Well, my faithful readers, I guess it's time I let you in on the details this ugly story. If you've followed my advice and limited your news to Righteous Media sources like Fox News, you probably haven't heard much about this story until it became impossible to ignore earlier this week. The screaming of the radical left has become so loud that I have to respond to this outright smear campaign of a great public servant.

The short of it is that Karl Rove may have revealed the identity of an undercover CIA agent named Valerie Plame. Liberals claims that he did this as a bit of political retaliation for her husband, former U.S. Ambassador Joseph Wilson's criticisms of our sainted President. But my question is, why exactly is this a problem?

So what if Rove blew the cover of a covert CIA agent? Karl is a decent man of outstanding character, he would never jeopardize Plame's life without a good reason. Don't you think we can give Karl the benefit of the doubt without getting into all the legal minutiae?

All I hear are ridiculous questions from the left and the mainstream media. Was this an act of treason? Can Karl be trusted with sensitive information? Did Karl put politics before the War on Terror? WHO CARES!?!?

Whenever somebody is embroiled in a political scandal like this, I first look at their political ideology to see if I should be morally outraged or not. Karl Rove: Christian Conservative. Check. Next I ask myself if any sort of sexual impropriety was involved. Karl Rove: physiologically incapable of engaging in sexual intercourse. Check. Finally I look at the heart and soul of the man. Karl Rove: a man of unquestionable character. Check.

Karl Rove has my full support and confidence.

I don't think I can be any more clear about this. I want everyone to stop this pointless witch-hunt and just leave Karl Rove alone. The man serves the interests of this country in everything he does. You can be sure, if he leaked the name of Wilson's wife, he did it for a good reason. I can't even imagine what sort of heinous thing Plame did to deserve this but if Karl chose to punish her, I'm sure it was holy retribution.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Michael Jr.'s Depraved Pets

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Every Sunday evening I try and share an inspirational story about parenting.

About two months ago my son was pleading endlessly for me to buy him a dog. Apparently one of his friends had gotten a puppy and Michael Jr. simply had to have one. I personally thought a pet would be a good way to teach my son about responsibility, so I went to the pet store to try and find one. I wanted an animal that wouldn't defecate all over my expensive rugs or sexually assault my leg so I decided to get a gerbil instead of a dog.

The man at the pet store told me that gerbils need companionship so I had to buy two of them. I didn't like the idea of rodents copulating in my home so I purchased two male gerbils. I figured the worst that could happen with them is that they'd get into a few macho gerbil scuffles. "There's no harm in putting two male gerbils in the same cage," I said to myself. I could not have been more wrong.

After buying a cage and all the necessary accessories, I brought these two new additions to the family home. While they weren't exactly what my son wanted, it didn't take him long to grow attached to the scruffy little rodents. He named them Dusty and Snowball. I hated both of these names, so at my insistence his pets were renamed Abraham and Isaiah.

It was only a couple hours after Abraham and Isaiah had gotten settled into the Steele household that things took a very dark and sinister turn. They got into a couple small fights just as I thought they would, but then it became more than just harmless fisticuffs. Michael called me into his room "Dad! Dad! Come look! Abraham and Isaiah are fighting. They're so silly."

I walked into his room and recoiled in horror at the sight of the two gerbils. It seems that Isaiah had pinned down Abraham and was violating him. The rhythmic thud of Isaiah's rump on the exercise wheel was maddening. I quickly splashed the water from their water dish onto this disgusting pile of wriggling homosexual sin and Isaiah scurried away and buried himself in some bedding.

How could this have happened? These gerbils certainly weren't born this way. What Satanic corruption led them to embrace this depraved lifestyle? It seems the homosexual influence is more far-reaching than I could have ever imagined. I certainly wasn't going to allow my son to be subjected to this damning display any longer.

I snatched up the cage and raced it back to the pet store. "You sold me gay animals," I screamed at the owner. "I don't know what you do to the animals here to make them like this, but I am outraged. I gave these as a present to my young son!"

The owner tried to calm me down and refunded my money but I was absolutely livid. I never got an apology but I didn't want to stay there a second longer than I had to. I could tell these gerbils weren't the only queer animals in this store. I was in the presence of true evil and I shivered uncontrollably as I exited that store.

Michael Jr. will probably have to wait quite a while before getting a pet, because I still won't set foot in a pet store to this very day.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Thou Shalt Display

by Herman B. Hayes

The Ten Commandments are under attack!

There are traitors in our government. This shadowy group of treasonists is very powerful, and almost uncontrollable. This evil entity is our own Supreme Court. Last week, the Court handed down a pair of decisions dealing with the Holy Ten Commandments. The court ruled that the Commandments could only be displayed on government property if they were of historical significance. This is an affront to God, and an affront to every God fearing Christian. This argument is flawed for one major reason:

The Commandments are ancient, thus, all copies are historically significant.

Face it, atheistic idiots; the Ten Commandments were not hand delivered to Moses yesterday. This means that each and every copy of the Commandments is a historically significant article. There is no difference between those on stone tablets, those on scrolls, those engraved in metal, and those which are printed on my wallpaper in the den. Each and every government edifice should house at least one publicly displayed rendition of the Ten Commandments. Furthermore, the Commandments should not be limited to churches, schools, and government buildings.

The Commandments should be everywhere.

These Holy Laws should be on display everywhere we go. They should be in houses, in schools, in the Post Office, in restaurants, in public restrooms, on buses, in taxies, and so forth. It is my opinion, and the opinion of God, that the Commandments should even be displayed on the signs that currently appear on highways to announce Amber Alerts. There would be no kidnappings if people would obey the Commandments. The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of anarchy. The Supreme Court has made loving God illegal. The Court has the power to make the Laws of God into the laws of man, why have they failed to do such a simple thing?

Why do they attempt to remove such basic rules from society?

I am not afraid of offending atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, and other heathens. Maybe if they had the Word of God brought to their attention, they would give up their evil ways. The Court has made a horrible decision in asking Satan into our lives. The Court will soon move on to other mind-boggling rulings. Soon even mentioning God will be a capital offense. We Republicans must rise up and stop this madness.

A suggestion.
We must not let God’s Holy Laws pass into obscurity. We must keep them at the forefront of our thoughts. We must make our children, friends, employees, and co-workers memorize them. We must ridicule and mock anyone who cannot recite them word-for-Holy-word. There is no excuse for laziness, and there is no way that we can let this trend continue. Save the Commandments! Save the Word of God!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Supreme Opportunity

by Herman B. Hayes

Justice O’Connor is about to retire.

Our beloved President Bush has been given a wonderful opportunity. He has been given the chance to nominate a new Justice to the Supreme Court. He has been given the chance to turn back years of foolish, liberal jurisprudence. There is only one issue to consider in regards to this matter:

We must nominate the right man.

We need to be sure, as Republicans, that we usher in the right man for the job. We need strength in the court right now. There is no room for someone who may wind up being a swing-voting pansy. We need someone who will not only interpret the constitution, but also the word of God. We need a Justice who will take his direction from our supreme leaders, God Himself and President Bush. There is no room for error, folks. This is a critical hour.

Someone has to do the dirty work.

We need a Supreme Court Justice who is not afraid of getting his hands dirty. We need a cross between Jesus, G. I. Joe, and Dr. Dobson. We need someone who will focus on the family, allow us to do what needs to be done to detainees, and forcibly hang the Ten Commandments in every government facility. We need someone who, when faced with some whining atheist, will side with God and have the atheist interred somewhere in Pakistan.

Roe, Roe, Roe your boat.

We need a man with the nerve to stand up to the pro-baby-killing morons of the world. We need a justice who will make it his personal mission to overturn Roe v. Wade. This pact with Satan cannot be allowed to stand. There is no reason why a woman who was dumb enough to get pregnant when she did not want to should be allowed to murder her gift from God. This leads me to my final point:

Christian Morality and the Constitution must both be considered!

Strict interpretation of the Constitution is vital, I agree. I am also of the firm belief, though, that sometimes you need to follow your Christian heart when making decisions. We must, must, must be sure to find and confirm a man who understands this. You have to follow the word of God. You have to follow the words of our founding fathers, and it is the responsibility of the Supreme Court to see that God’s will be done. Amen, and Amen.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

It Takes a Senator Named Santorum

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Friends, I have great news! Rick Santorum, America's senator, has written a book. I've waited years for this man's sage words to be put to paper. Now, the teachings of Rick Santorum can be passed down throughout the ages. My great grandson will now one day be able to read about of the horrors of homosexuals destroying families and radical feminists forcing mothers into the workplace.

The title of his new groundbreaking book is "It Takes a Family" which is a clever play on the title of that uppity Hillary Clinton's book "It Takes a Village." We had to wait nearly a decade for an answer to her idiotic proposition that a child is raised not just by a family, but also by teachers, community members and religious leaders. His literary retort was well worth the wait.

There are a few portions of this book I especially liked, including:
The notion that college education is a cost-effective way to help poor, low-skill, unmarried mothers with high school diplomas or GEDs move up the economic ladder is just wrong.
I've always been firmly against educating unwed mothers. This only rewards them for their disgusting behavior. We certainly have no moral obligation to help an unchaste woman work her way out of a difficult financial situation. No, indeed our responsibility is to firmly say to her: "You've made your bed, now you must lie in it." We also have a further responsibility to make this bed as uncomfortable as possible to worsen the punishment inflicted upon this godless harlot.

Another of my favorite parts is this:
Many women have told me, and surveys have shown, that they find it easier, more “professionally” gratifying, and certainly more socially affirming, to work outside the home than to give up their careers to take care of their children. Think about that for a moment…Here, we can thank the influence of radical feminism, one of the core philosophies of the village elders.
I couldn't have said it better myself, senator, although I probably would have replaced the phrase "village elders" with "godless liberals." If women were truly meant to have careers outside of the home then God would not have outfitted them with inferior brains. Women working outside the home runs directly counter to God's plan and I applaud Rick for taking such a principled stand on this.

This book has truly inspired me, and he's right, it does take a family alone to raise a child. Who better to teach my kids than their parents? Both my boys will be home schooled next year. And who better, I ask, to teach them about Christ than their father? My children will observe the Sabbath in the Church of Michael Gregory Steele from now on. My children will be protected in my warm bosom from the dangers of atheists, liberals, and homosexuals.

Thank you, senator Santorum, thank you. I guess that sometimes it takes a senator named Santorum to show you the light.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Independence Day

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Unless you're a liberal, you no doubt celebrated the birth of our great nation yesterday. Perhaps you liberals celebrated this holiday under a different name such as "the Great Satan's Birthday" or simply "Treason Day." Me, I love my country, so I proudly call July 4th Independence Day.

It has occurred to me though that even some non-liberals in this country have forgotten the true meaning of the holiday. Independence Day is not only the celebration of birth of our nation but also a grand celebration of freedom itself. Many Americans today simply don't understand what freedom really is.

Freedom isn't about giving every idiot the ability to think or act anyway they choose. This is an idea of freedom that fails to take into account the very nature of humankind. Freedom is also not about ensuring that every incorrect viewpoint is protected. No, freedom is about making sure there are no obstacles thrown in the path of public acceptance of the one moral viewpoint: Christian conservatism.

Freedom is also about the unquestioning acceptance of our conservative leaders. Criticism of our leaders, especially during a time of war, threatens our freedom and dishonors our troops. I support our men and women in uniform, and wonder why liberals can't do the same to protect our sovereignty.

Freedom is about giving people the option to selflessly put aside their doubts, and ideological cynicism and simply support President Bush no matter what.

Someday, I hope people can understand what freedom really is. I hope someday I'll be able to drive by my local courthouse and see a Ten Commandments monument with a marble bust of Ronald Reagan smiling down upon it. I hope that day comes soon, so I won't instead have to look at that sad statue of lady justice who stands there mocking me and mocking the idea of freedom this great nation has promised to me and indeed to all conservatives.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Joseph's Bedtime Story

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Every Sunday evening I try and share an inspirational story about parenting.

Being the incredible father I am, I often read my 8 year old son Joseph to sleep. I'll usually read half a chapter or so of an Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly book to help soothe him to sleep. If he prematurely drifts into a slumber, I'll nudge him with a firm elbow so I can continue to preach the gospel of conservatism to him.

Early last week I started reading a book to him that's near and dear to my heart: Sean Hannity's masterpiece "Deliver Us From Evil." This is a book that insightfully traces the root of all the world's problems to the abstract concept of evil. This is a book I've already had to replace because I've read it so many times. Even my newest copy is already beginning to show some serious signs of wear.

As I was reading a chapter of this book to Joseph and lulling him to sleep with Sean's sweet song of patriotism little Joseph opened his eyes and spoke. "I heard that they never found those WMDs in Iraq and that President Bush may have lied about them being there," he naively said.

I choked on my next sentence and quickly exited Joseph's bedroom almost tripping over myself as I left. I grabbed the bathroom sink to try and steady myself. I splashed some cold water onto my face in a vain attempt to stop my body from trembling.

What is going on with this family? First Michael Jr. befriends an atheist and now my other son is spewing vile liberal propaganda. Once the color returned to my face I calmly walked back into Joseph's bedroom.

"Who put this idiotic idea into your head, Joseph?"

He told me had accidentally turned to a news station that wasn't Fox News. It was an honest mistake he says, but one that I won't allow to happen again. His TV has since been removed from his room and it will no longer pose a threat to his young impressionable mind.

For this first time in my life I had failed to protect my own son from the insidious liberal mainstream media. As I tucked young Joseph into his bed I vowed never to allow his ears to be met with such a poisonous pronouncement. I let my guard down for a second, but never again, Joseph. Never again.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Moral Mailbox: Culture of Life

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Here's the Moral Mailbox question of the week:
"I've heard president Bush and fellow republicans talk a lot about a "culture of life". Could you explain to me what this is?" -- Mark

Well, Mark, first let me explain to you the importance of having a culture of life. We all know that terrorists hate freedom, that's a given; but its a little known fact though that terrorists also hate life itself. This should be no surprise to anyone who has as deep an understanding of the enemy as I do. Terrorists simply hate and want to destroy everything that's good and everything that Americans hold dear.

So establishing a strong culture of life would serve as a huge blow to the terrorists.

Essentially a culture of life is a society that holds deep respect for the sanctity of life. Seems pretty simple, right? Well there are certain nuances to this concept that I want to address before you start decrying our treatment of detainees at Guantanimo Bay or capital punishment with this idea.

Who's Not a Part of the Culture of Life?
Not every person is eligible for the human respect a culture of life would provide. Torture by our government of anyone who threatens our freedom or even has the look of someone who might think about threatening our freedom is fine. If you are a terrorist you do not believe in the culture of life, therefore the culture of life does not believe in you. Terrorists are simply not guaranteed humane treatment in a culture of life.

Another major exemption to the culture of life is violent criminals. Respecting human life should never come at the expense of being soft on crime. If we were to allow these vicious felons to simply serve out a life sentence this would be very costly. Those are dollars that could be applied directly to the War on Terror, and we are not going to cut costs for people that are irrefutably guilty and not worthy to even breathe the same air as Michael Gregory Steele.

Who Is a Part of the Culture of Life?

The two main groups that are in fact eligible for humane treatment in a culture of life are fetal children and those in a persistent vegetative state. A culture of life would ensure that fetal children would never be aborted or used for research to find cures for diseases. These acts disrespect life and embolden terrorists. Brain dead individuals would also be kept alive indefinitely, regardless of the costs or their own wishes. It's the only thing we can rightly do for a non-criminal non-terrorist American in this state.

Surely once the terrorists see the shining example of humanity that America provides with this new culture of life they will fall to their knees and weep. The shame will force them drop their weapons and hopefully convert to Christianity. This is how we will win the War on Terror, with a holy combination of military and moral superiority.

Send your own moral queries to: The Moral Mailbox.

Friday, July 01, 2005

O'Conner Makes the Wisest Decision of Her Life

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

In case you haven't yet heard the glorious news, allow me to brighten your day with this: Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner has finally resigned. Even though she was a Reagan appointee, I always thought she was a very unwise pick (and I almost never question Reagan's judgment).

She may have been a "conservative", but she was also an unholy obstacle in a lot of important cases, included the only case I really care about: Roe v. Wade. I'm not even sure whose bright idea it was to allow women to serve on that bench in the first place.

When George W. Bush spoke today about O'Conner's resignation he said the following:

"The nation also deserves a dignified process of confirmation in the United States Senate - characterized by fair treatment, a fair hearing and a fair vote.
"

This is obviously a stern warning to Democrats not to fillibuster his nominee. So you know that this means our glorious President is planning to nominate someone extremely conservative (and I mean Michael Gregory Steele conservative). Just thinking about all the decisions that could be handed down by a more conservative Supreme Court fills me with unimaginable delight.

With the talk of judges John Paul Stevens and William Rehnquist possibly stepping down at some point, President Bush might get the opportunity to fill a total of three Supreme Court seats. We may finally be given the chance to remake the Supreme Court into a tribunal of Godly righteousness, a court that can finally remove that idiotic legal distinction between God's law and man's law.

At long last are my dreams finally being realized?

There are a lot of people who don't want to see abortion become illegal in this country. There are also a lot of people who want to see a firm separation between Church and State maintained. There are even people who don't want to see the Supreme Court overrun by hardline conservatives. Fortunately, these are not the people who helped to put President Bush into the White House, so their opinions matter very little.

My advice to any liberals who may be reading this is to simply give in to the inevitability of a very conservative Supreme Court. President Bush is going to appoint judges that will show you the true meaning of "judicial activism" and Republicans will maintain their Senate majority (even after the 2006 elections) ensuring their swift confirmation. There is nothing you can do to stop this.

Lastly, I would also advice you godless liberals to start being a little more civil to me in your comments. You certainly wouldn't want to offend a future Supreme Court justice.