Sunday, July 10, 2005

Michael Jr.'s Depraved Pets

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Every Sunday evening I try and share an inspirational story about parenting.

About two months ago my son was pleading endlessly for me to buy him a dog. Apparently one of his friends had gotten a puppy and Michael Jr. simply had to have one. I personally thought a pet would be a good way to teach my son about responsibility, so I went to the pet store to try and find one. I wanted an animal that wouldn't defecate all over my expensive rugs or sexually assault my leg so I decided to get a gerbil instead of a dog.

The man at the pet store told me that gerbils need companionship so I had to buy two of them. I didn't like the idea of rodents copulating in my home so I purchased two male gerbils. I figured the worst that could happen with them is that they'd get into a few macho gerbil scuffles. "There's no harm in putting two male gerbils in the same cage," I said to myself. I could not have been more wrong.

After buying a cage and all the necessary accessories, I brought these two new additions to the family home. While they weren't exactly what my son wanted, it didn't take him long to grow attached to the scruffy little rodents. He named them Dusty and Snowball. I hated both of these names, so at my insistence his pets were renamed Abraham and Isaiah.

It was only a couple hours after Abraham and Isaiah had gotten settled into the Steele household that things took a very dark and sinister turn. They got into a couple small fights just as I thought they would, but then it became more than just harmless fisticuffs. Michael called me into his room "Dad! Dad! Come look! Abraham and Isaiah are fighting. They're so silly."

I walked into his room and recoiled in horror at the sight of the two gerbils. It seems that Isaiah had pinned down Abraham and was violating him. The rhythmic thud of Isaiah's rump on the exercise wheel was maddening. I quickly splashed the water from their water dish onto this disgusting pile of wriggling homosexual sin and Isaiah scurried away and buried himself in some bedding.

How could this have happened? These gerbils certainly weren't born this way. What Satanic corruption led them to embrace this depraved lifestyle? It seems the homosexual influence is more far-reaching than I could have ever imagined. I certainly wasn't going to allow my son to be subjected to this damning display any longer.

I snatched up the cage and raced it back to the pet store. "You sold me gay animals," I screamed at the owner. "I don't know what you do to the animals here to make them like this, but I am outraged. I gave these as a present to my young son!"

The owner tried to calm me down and refunded my money but I was absolutely livid. I never got an apology but I didn't want to stay there a second longer than I had to. I could tell these gerbils weren't the only queer animals in this store. I was in the presence of true evil and I shivered uncontrollably as I exited that store.

Michael Jr. will probably have to wait quite a while before getting a pet, because I still won't set foot in a pet store to this very day.

16 Comments:

At July 10, 2005 6:42 PM, Anonymous Michael Jones said...

Act quickly - ever since Ken "I'm as straight as Tom Cruise" Mehlman took over the reins of the GOP, I hear he's been lobbying for the Gay Gerbil Anti-Defamation Act to protect his little furry minions.

Thanks to Richard "I'm also as straight as Tom Cruise" Gere, it's got strong bi-partisan support.

 
At July 10, 2005 7:02 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Were they particularly young gerbils? Perhaps it was simply harmless experimentation. Maybe it was a prison-style pecking order ritual, the one on top exercising his authority over the other. We're they watching TV prior to this event? There's a whole lot of gay shows on these days, there could be some form of subliminal suggestion going on.

 
At July 10, 2005 7:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

michael jones: I strongly disagree with your characterization of Ken Mehlman, he's delightfully smarmy, not gay.

As far as Richard Gere goes, he and all the other Holywood types should just keep their mouths shut and stick to making movies I won't watch.

 
At July 10, 2005 7:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

m.r.: harmless experimentation? pecking order ritual? Are you trying to justify the behavior of these furry little deviants?

There is nothing in my house that would turn them gay, they were definately gay before I brought them home.

 
At July 10, 2005 8:11 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Are you absolutely certain there was NOTHING in your home that may have served as the catalyst for their homoerotic lovefest? Are you sure they weren't looking over your shoulder as you viewed your private stash of gladiator films or your even more private stash of full color nude Greco-Roman wrestling "art prints"?

 
At July 10, 2005 10:27 PM, Blogger Amber said...

All I have to say is I decided a long time ago that being gay was natural. I, myself, turned gay at the ripe age of 5 when I saw two male goats in the zoo. If the animals are doing it, why can't we? Secondly, I'd like to make an argument for beastiality. Consider this, have you ever read in the newpaper "Man dies from having sex with goat" I think a resounding no will answer that question. If animals didn't like it then more people would die from sex with them. Secondly, since they do in fact enjoy it and they are from nature, beastiality must be natural too. Think about it. Maybe Micheal jr. should have gone a little further with his adventures with the gerbils. Im sure they'd both enjoy it.

 
At July 11, 2005 3:02 AM, Blogger Art Green said...

Heh, great story. Nice satire!

 
At July 11, 2005 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These "pets" were undoubtedly brought up in an environment where the TV was always on, and tuned to shows like "Sex and the City," "The 'L' Word," "Queer as Folk," "Oprah," etc.

Hollywood's influence has become so pervasive that their abominable agenda is finding its way into the animal kindgom. Marlin Perkins would be appalled, as I am.

 
At July 11, 2005 8:02 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

amber: You sicken me.

This is what Rick Santorum and I have been warning people about. If you allow homosexuals to simply live their lives without publicly ridiculing them, then before you know it... man on goat.

You absolutely disgust me.

 
At July 11, 2005 8:03 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: My thoughts exactly. It's the pervasive message of homosexual acceptence on TV that turned these gerbils gay.

 
At July 12, 2005 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have asked the pet store owner where the gerbils were from. I bet they were from Boston or San Francisco. Senator Santorum knows all about these decadent cities, in which the liberal culture even forces Catholic priests to engage in child molesting and sodomy. When are ever going to punish these liberals for corrupting our priesthood, and even our gerbils?

 
At July 12, 2005 9:47 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: If the homosexual influence can even penetrate the hallowed walls of our churches, what hope do we have?

Well, I refuse to give up this fight. I'm trying to shame these homosexuals into giving up their deviant lifestyle.

 
At December 03, 2008 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that you need to calm down. living your life as an uptight conservative bitch is not only ruining your life, but the lives of people around you as well.

 
At December 03, 2008 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH, and seriously, dusty and snowball. im no scientist but if you're gonna shit yourself over names like that, i feel incredibly sorry for your offspring. life is short. light up a blunt bitch.

 
At April 04, 2009 6:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

豆豆聊天室 aio交友愛情館 2008真情寫真 2009真情寫真 aa片免費看 捷克論壇 微風論壇 大眾論壇 plus論壇 080視訊聊天室 情色視訊交友90739 美女交友-成人聊天室 色情小說 做愛成人圖片區 豆豆色情聊天室 080豆豆聊天室 小辣妹影音交友網 台中情人聊天室 桃園星願聊天室 高雄網友聊天室 新中台灣聊天室 中部網友聊天室 嘉義之光聊天室 基隆海岸聊天室 中壢網友聊天室 南台灣聊天室 南部聊坊聊天室 台南不夜城聊天室 南部網友聊天室 屏東網友聊天室 台南網友聊天室 屏東聊坊聊天室 雲林網友聊天室 大學生BBS聊天室 網路學院聊天室 屏東夜語聊天室 孤男寡女聊天室 一網情深聊天室 心靈饗宴聊天室 流星花園聊天室 食色男女色情聊天室 真愛宣言交友聊天室 情人皇朝聊天室 上班族成人聊天室 上班族f1影音視訊聊天室 哈雷視訊聊天室 080影音視訊聊天室 38不夜城聊天室 援交聊天室080 080哈啦聊天室 台北已婚聊天室 已婚廣場聊天室 夢幻家族聊天室 摸摸扣扣同學會聊天室 520情色聊天室 QQ成人交友聊天室 免費視訊網愛聊天室 愛情公寓免費聊天室 拉子性愛聊天室 柔情網友聊天室 哈啦影音交友網 哈啦影音視訊聊天室 櫻井莉亞三點全露寫真集 123上班族聊天室 尋夢園上班族聊天室 成人聊天室上班族 080上班族聊天室 6k聊天室 粉紅豆豆聊天室 080豆豆聊天網 新豆豆聊天室 080聊天室 免費音樂試聽 流行音樂試聽 免費aa片試看A片 免費a長片線上看 色情貼影片 免費a長片 本土成人貼圖站 大台灣情色網 台灣男人幫論壇 A圖網 嘟嘟成人電影網 火辣春夢貼圖網 情色貼圖俱樂部 台灣成人電影 絲襪美腿樂園 18美女貼圖區 柔情聊天網 707網愛聊天室聯盟 台北69色情貼圖區 38女孩情色網 台灣映像館 波波成人情色網站 美女成人貼圖區 無碼貼圖力量 色妹妹性愛貼圖區 日本女優貼圖網 日本美少女貼圖區 亞洲風暴情色貼圖網 哈啦聊天室 美少女自拍貼圖 辣妹成人情色網 台北女孩情色網 辣手貼圖情色網 AV無碼女優影片 男女情色寫真貼圖 a片天使俱樂部 萍水相逢遊戲區 平水相逢遊戲區 免費視訊交友90739 免費視訊聊天 辣妹視訊 - 影音聊天網 080視訊聊天室 日本美女肛交 美女工廠貼圖區 百分百貼圖區 亞洲成人電影情色網 台灣本土自拍貼圖網 麻辣貼圖情色網 好色客成人圖片貼圖區 711成人AV貼圖區 台灣美女貼圖區 筱萱成人論壇 咪咪情色貼圖區 momokoko同學會視訊 kk272視訊 情色文學小站 成人情色貼圖區 嘟嘟成人網 嘟嘟情人色網 - 貼圖區 免費色情a片下載 台灣情色論壇 成人影片分享 免費視訊聊天區 微風 成人 論壇 kiss文學區 taiwankiss文學區

 
At April 23, 2009 2:49 AM, Blogger cvxv said...

看房子,買房子,建商自售,自售,台北新成屋,台北豪宅,新成屋,豪宅,美髮儀器,美髮,儀器,髮型,EMBA,MBA,學位,EMBA,專業認證,認證課程,博士學位,DBA,PHD,在職進修,碩士學位,推廣教育,DBA,進修課程,碩士學位,網路廣告,關鍵字廣告,關鍵字,課程介紹,學分班,文憑,牛樟芝,段木,牛樟菇,日式料理, 台北居酒屋,日本料理,結婚,婚宴場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,台北結婚,場地,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,造型系列,學位,SEO,婚宴,捷運,學區,美髮,儀器,髮型,看房子,買房子,建商自售,自售,房子,捷運,學區,台北新成屋,台北豪宅,新成屋,豪宅,學位,碩士學位,進修,在職進修, 課程,教育,學位,證照,mba,文憑,學分班,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,婚宴,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,婚宴,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,婚宴,結婚,婚宴場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北結婚,場地,結婚,場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北結婚,婚宴場地,結婚,婚宴場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北結婚,場地,居酒屋,燒烤,美髮,儀器,髮型,美髮,儀器,髮型,美髮,儀器,髮型,美髮,儀器,髮型,小套房,小套房,進修,在職進修,留學,證照,MBA,EMBA,留學,MBA,EMBA,留學,進修,在職進修,牛樟芝,段木,牛樟菇,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,PMP,在職專班,研究所在職專班,碩士在職專班,PMP,證照,在職專班,研究所在職專班,碩士在職專班,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,EMBA,MBA,PMP,在職進修,專案管理,出國留學,EMBA,MBA,PMP,在職進修,專案管理,出國留學,EMBA,MBA,PMP,在職進修,專案管理,出國留學,婚宴,婚宴,婚宴,婚宴,漢高資訊,漢高資訊,比利時,比利時聯合商學院,宜蘭民宿,台東民宿,澎湖民宿,墾丁民宿,花蓮民宿,SEO,找工作,汽車旅館,阿里山,日月潭,阿里山民宿,東森購物,momo購物台,pc home購物,購物,手機,手機王,數位像機,衛星導行,GPS,小筆電,機油漢高資訊,漢高資訊,在職進修,漢高資訊,在職進修,住宿,住宿,整形,造型,室內設計,室內設計,漢高資訊,在職進修,漢高資訊,在職進修,住宿,美容,室內設計,在職進修,羅志祥,周杰倫,五月天,住宿,住宿,整形,整形,室內設計,室內設計,比利時聯合商學院,在職進修,比利時聯合商學院,在職進修,漢高資訊,找工作,找工作,找工作,找工作,找工作,蔡依林,林志玲

 

Post a Comment

<< Home