Michael Jr.'s Depraved Pets

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Every Sunday evening I try and share an inspirational story about parenting.

About two months ago my son was pleading endlessly for me to buy him a dog. Apparently one of his friends had gotten a puppy and Michael Jr. simply had to have one. I personally thought a pet would be a good way to teach my son about responsibility, so I went to the pet store to try and find one. I wanted an animal that wouldn't defecate all over my expensive rugs or sexually assault my leg so I decided to get a gerbil instead of a dog.

The man at the pet store told me that gerbils need companionship so I had to buy two of them. I didn't like the idea of rodents copulating in my home so I purchased two male gerbils. I figured the worst that could happen with them is that they'd get into a few macho gerbil scuffles. "There's no harm in putting two male gerbils in the same cage," I said to myself. I could not have been more wrong.

After buying a cage and all the necessary accessories, I brought these two new additions to the family home. While they weren't exactly what my son wanted, it didn't take him long to grow attached to the scruffy little rodents. He named them Dusty and Snowball. I hated both of these names, so at my insistence his pets were renamed Abraham and Isaiah.

It was only a couple hours after Abraham and Isaiah had gotten settled into the Steele household that things took a very dark and sinister turn. They got into a couple small fights just as I thought they would, but then it became more than just harmless fisticuffs. Michael called me into his room "Dad! Dad! Come look! Abraham and Isaiah are fighting. They're so silly."

I walked into his room and recoiled in horror at the sight of the two gerbils. It seems that Isaiah had pinned down Abraham and was violating him. The rhythmic thud of Isaiah's rump on the exercise wheel was maddening. I quickly splashed the water from their water dish onto this disgusting pile of wriggling homosexual sin and Isaiah scurried away and buried himself in some bedding.

How could this have happened? These gerbils certainly weren't born this way. What Satanic corruption led them to embrace this depraved lifestyle? It seems the homosexual influence is more far-reaching than I could have ever imagined. I certainly wasn't going to allow my son to be subjected to this damning display any longer.

I snatched up the cage and raced it back to the pet store. "You sold me gay animals," I screamed at the owner. "I don't know what you do to the animals here to make them like this, but I am outraged. I gave these as a present to my young son!"

The owner tried to calm me down and refunded my money but I was absolutely livid. I never got an apology but I didn't want to stay there a second longer than I had to. I could tell these gerbils weren't the only queer animals in this store. I was in the presence of true evil and I shivered uncontrollably as I exited that store.

Michael Jr. will probably have to wait quite a while before getting a pet, because I still won't set foot in a pet store to this very day.