Sunday, July 10, 2005

Michael Jr.'s Depraved Pets

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Every Sunday evening I try and share an inspirational story about parenting.

About two months ago my son was pleading endlessly for me to buy him a dog. Apparently one of his friends had gotten a puppy and Michael Jr. simply had to have one. I personally thought a pet would be a good way to teach my son about responsibility, so I went to the pet store to try and find one. I wanted an animal that wouldn't defecate all over my expensive rugs or sexually assault my leg so I decided to get a gerbil instead of a dog.

The man at the pet store told me that gerbils need companionship so I had to buy two of them. I didn't like the idea of rodents copulating in my home so I purchased two male gerbils. I figured the worst that could happen with them is that they'd get into a few macho gerbil scuffles. "There's no harm in putting two male gerbils in the same cage," I said to myself. I could not have been more wrong.

After buying a cage and all the necessary accessories, I brought these two new additions to the family home. While they weren't exactly what my son wanted, it didn't take him long to grow attached to the scruffy little rodents. He named them Dusty and Snowball. I hated both of these names, so at my insistence his pets were renamed Abraham and Isaiah.

It was only a couple hours after Abraham and Isaiah had gotten settled into the Steele household that things took a very dark and sinister turn. They got into a couple small fights just as I thought they would, but then it became more than just harmless fisticuffs. Michael called me into his room "Dad! Dad! Come look! Abraham and Isaiah are fighting. They're so silly."

I walked into his room and recoiled in horror at the sight of the two gerbils. It seems that Isaiah had pinned down Abraham and was violating him. The rhythmic thud of Isaiah's rump on the exercise wheel was maddening. I quickly splashed the water from their water dish onto this disgusting pile of wriggling homosexual sin and Isaiah scurried away and buried himself in some bedding.

How could this have happened? These gerbils certainly weren't born this way. What Satanic corruption led them to embrace this depraved lifestyle? It seems the homosexual influence is more far-reaching than I could have ever imagined. I certainly wasn't going to allow my son to be subjected to this damning display any longer.

I snatched up the cage and raced it back to the pet store. "You sold me gay animals," I screamed at the owner. "I don't know what you do to the animals here to make them like this, but I am outraged. I gave these as a present to my young son!"

The owner tried to calm me down and refunded my money but I was absolutely livid. I never got an apology but I didn't want to stay there a second longer than I had to. I could tell these gerbils weren't the only queer animals in this store. I was in the presence of true evil and I shivered uncontrollably as I exited that store.

Michael Jr. will probably have to wait quite a while before getting a pet, because I still won't set foot in a pet store to this very day.


At July 10, 2005 6:42 PM, Anonymous Michael Jones said...

Act quickly - ever since Ken "I'm as straight as Tom Cruise" Mehlman took over the reins of the GOP, I hear he's been lobbying for the Gay Gerbil Anti-Defamation Act to protect his little furry minions.

Thanks to Richard "I'm also as straight as Tom Cruise" Gere, it's got strong bi-partisan support.

At July 10, 2005 7:02 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Were they particularly young gerbils? Perhaps it was simply harmless experimentation. Maybe it was a prison-style pecking order ritual, the one on top exercising his authority over the other. We're they watching TV prior to this event? There's a whole lot of gay shows on these days, there could be some form of subliminal suggestion going on.

At July 10, 2005 7:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

michael jones: I strongly disagree with your characterization of Ken Mehlman, he's delightfully smarmy, not gay.

As far as Richard Gere goes, he and all the other Holywood types should just keep their mouths shut and stick to making movies I won't watch.

At July 10, 2005 7:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

m.r.: harmless experimentation? pecking order ritual? Are you trying to justify the behavior of these furry little deviants?

There is nothing in my house that would turn them gay, they were definately gay before I brought them home.

At July 10, 2005 8:11 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Are you absolutely certain there was NOTHING in your home that may have served as the catalyst for their homoerotic lovefest? Are you sure they weren't looking over your shoulder as you viewed your private stash of gladiator films or your even more private stash of full color nude Greco-Roman wrestling "art prints"?

At July 10, 2005 10:27 PM, Blogger Amber said...

All I have to say is I decided a long time ago that being gay was natural. I, myself, turned gay at the ripe age of 5 when I saw two male goats in the zoo. If the animals are doing it, why can't we? Secondly, I'd like to make an argument for beastiality. Consider this, have you ever read in the newpaper "Man dies from having sex with goat" I think a resounding no will answer that question. If animals didn't like it then more people would die from sex with them. Secondly, since they do in fact enjoy it and they are from nature, beastiality must be natural too. Think about it. Maybe Micheal jr. should have gone a little further with his adventures with the gerbils. Im sure they'd both enjoy it.

At July 11, 2005 3:02 AM, Blogger Art Green said...

Heh, great story. Nice satire!

At July 11, 2005 9:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These "pets" were undoubtedly brought up in an environment where the TV was always on, and tuned to shows like "Sex and the City," "The 'L' Word," "Queer as Folk," "Oprah," etc.

Hollywood's influence has become so pervasive that their abominable agenda is finding its way into the animal kindgom. Marlin Perkins would be appalled, as I am.

At July 11, 2005 8:02 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

amber: You sicken me.

This is what Rick Santorum and I have been warning people about. If you allow homosexuals to simply live their lives without publicly ridiculing them, then before you know it... man on goat.

You absolutely disgust me.

At July 11, 2005 8:03 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: My thoughts exactly. It's the pervasive message of homosexual acceptence on TV that turned these gerbils gay.

At July 12, 2005 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have asked the pet store owner where the gerbils were from. I bet they were from Boston or San Francisco. Senator Santorum knows all about these decadent cities, in which the liberal culture even forces Catholic priests to engage in child molesting and sodomy. When are ever going to punish these liberals for corrupting our priesthood, and even our gerbils?

At July 12, 2005 9:47 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: If the homosexual influence can even penetrate the hallowed walls of our churches, what hope do we have?

Well, I refuse to give up this fight. I'm trying to shame these homosexuals into giving up their deviant lifestyle.

At December 03, 2008 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that you need to calm down. living your life as an uptight conservative bitch is not only ruining your life, but the lives of people around you as well.

At December 03, 2008 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH, and seriously, dusty and snowball. im no scientist but if you're gonna shit yourself over names like that, i feel incredibly sorry for your offspring. life is short. light up a blunt bitch.

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