I Take the Fight to Them

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

This is a post I wrote for the despicable liberal blog Bring it On!

As a conservative I was surprised to be asked to write a guest post on this nefariously liberal blog. I was asked to share my words in part so that I could help to bridge the ideological gap that divides so many of us in this country. An olive branch was extended to me and I have accepted it. I’ve been given a great opportunity and it will not be wasted. I will use this olive branch given to me in good faith to verbally flog all of you godless liberals with the full fury of the Lord.

I’m not here to listen to or accept your views. No, my ideas and values are set in stone. And I’m also not here to tell you that you’re entitled to your own warped political views. You’re not. I won’t try and elevate the debate or encourage civil discourse. No, I’m here to convert all of you and you don’t do that by respecting anyone else’s ideas. What I want is to turn all of you into shining and pure examples of Christian Conservative Americans.

First, I’m going to let all of you in on a secret: it feels really good to win elections. Being a part of a political party that controls all the levers of government is a truly awesome feeling too. Don’t you sometimes wonder what it would be like to be on a winning team? Surely you do. Join the Republican Party and wonder no longer.

It’s also quite nice not to have to worry about being smitten by God’s vengeful hand. It’s quite a feeling of security knowing that your political ideals don’t anger the Almighty. And you have to admit, a world without gays, feminists or non-Christians wouldn’t be all that terrible. Don’t throw away your vote along with your immortal soul; become a Conservative and swim in the cool waters of righteousness.

Surely you must be tired of just being a part of one of the many liberal interest groups vying for the Democratic Party’s attention. Wouldn’t it be nice to avoid all the ideological in-fighting? The Republican Party is one great big unified interest group. We are of one mind and one voice. This interest is a return to true American values.

Finally, if these appeals to your morality didn’t work, perhaps a simple appeal to your wallet will do the trick. Don’t you want to keep more of your own money just like Jesus intended? Don’t you want to enjoy the spoils of success instead of subsidizing the poor, the sick, and every other lazy sad luck case in this country? You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about every dollar you make. Stop being a moron, claim what’s yours. Become a Republican and all this guilt will be erased.

Just because I was an invited guest here, that doesn’t mean I had to be polite while speaking my piece. When I’m invited to dinner at someone’s house I never have a problem telling them if the meal set before me is a culinary disaster. So in keeping with this analogy, let me finish by saying that the food being served here is disgusting and complete inedible. Also, it’s being served to me by complete idiots. You don’t want to be an idiot, do you? Join the Republican Party.