Tuesday, October 31, 2006

We Must Do What it Takes to Win

by Herman B. Hayes

Here we are readers, in the final stretch of the election cycle. We are solidly in the lead, and it looks like very little can stand in our way. So, while Satan-loving-leftists and their unfortunate children are dressing up as demons, ghouls and liberal ax murderers going door to door begging for food, let us take a moment to examine how we can make sure we win this year.

The fact of the matter is simple: Politics has nothing to do with how you play the game. I hear people telling their children that winning is not the important part of a competitive activity, and then they say some stupid little platitude about it being “how you play the game.” No, no, no, that is just some banal phrase that silly lefties use to explain to their children that it is ok to be a wishy-washy little doormat for my Republican children to wipe their blessed feet on.

Winning is, in fact, everything. Nothing that we do, as Republicans, is wrong or amoral if we win. You, the man on the street, can do so much to help our cause, and if you want to live in a free society where no one is allowed or encouraged to sodomize you every time you leave your house, you will.

There is nothing wrong with bending the truth in order to ensure a win. I personally am a big fan of having my people hang flyers for a Republican candidate on telephone poles in Democratic neighborhoods. Just make sure you put the wrong date on the flyer, and there you go. Even if someone with half a brain notices and complains, there will be no ramifications. Remember, it is not election “fraud” if you screw up a flyer for your own candidate. If all you liberals out there are too stupid to know that Election Day is November 8, 2007, then it is not my problem. That is right, Democrats, in case no one has mentioned it yet, you are expected to get out there and do your civic duty. See you at the polls on the eighth of November, I hope!

Urban areas are traditionally strongholds of the left, since they enjoy things such as drugs and prostitution. Aside from using the fake signs, another way to help keep down the vote in an urban area is to put up flyers offering "free chicken and a forty" with directions leading people away from polling places.

Remember, nothing we can do is wrong; we are the Party of God! God helps those who help themselves to the spoils of political victory. If we let the Democrats win, then all is lost. You will be subjected to depravity the likes of which the world has never seen. Death squads will be seen as a blessed relief by the time the sodomy squads, abortion squads, and Chomsky squads have had their way with you. Your children will be sent to “Evolution Schools” where all knowledge of the Bible and of God will be drummed out of their heads. Your job will be taken away, and given to someone who will tell you to “cleen ooot you desk, mang, ees meen now, mang”, and you will have no choice but to comply. “Vote for Pedro” shirts will no longer be a humorous item. Hippies will be allowed to eat in any restaurant they want, and they might even be able to share drinking fountains with us! We must not allow this to come to pass.

Get out there and suppress that vote, Christian Soldiers. There is only so much that Diebold and our other friends can do. The rest is up to us, and God.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Second Santorum Political Ad

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It's nearly November and Bob Casey has apparently decided that a Senate seat is more important than a seat in Heaven. That's the only conclusion I can come to when I see Bob Casey continue to openly oppose Rick Santorum, a man the Lord is more than fond of.

In order to help right things we at Conservatives for American Values have decided to commission a second ad. If Casey insists on remaining in this race then he leaves us no choice but to expose him for who he really is.

Reelect Rick Santorum, for a less depraved Pennsylvania and a better America.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Republicans Lead in the Honest-to-God Poll.

by Herman B. Hayes

Our most recent Honest-to-God Poll© tells a very different story than the Satanist mainstream media. Republicans are going to mop the floor with those foolish little liberals this year. There will be no flip-flopping of the House or the Senate…we leave that to the liberals.

No, there is not going to be a landslide of Democratic wins, nor will there be a tidal wave, tsunami, or very large ripple. There will be massive flooding, however, by which I mean a massive flood of Republican victories. Let’s take a look at the questions and the responses. Our questions, of course, are not intended to inflence the answers given.

“Would you rather vote for a Republican, or would you rather let a Democrat sodomize members of your family? If you are gay, simply indicate that you are hellbound, and we will move on to the next question.”

Not surprisingly, 73% of those polled indicated that they would vote for a Republican before they would let a Democrat sodomize a loved-one. This kind of landslide has a name in the political world, and it is called a “mandate.” 25% of those remaining asked whether the family member was male or female, and many asked if they could watch. I am going to assume that these were the Democrats we called. One gentleman from Florida did, however, ask if he could sodomize someone young and male. This man identified himself as a Republican, but he must have been lying. The final two percent identified themselves as either gay or stupid by hanging up the phone, and probably crying themselves to sleep.

“Everyone knows that Republicans will keep you safe, and everyone knows that Democrats will cede their leadership to the Taliban if they are elected. How does that make you feel?”

Open ended questions are difficult to do when polling. However, it works well if you lump the answers into groups, and the results are still telling. 20% said that they were enraged by this, and that they would leave their ramshackle trailer on Election Day, walk to the polling place in their tattered shoes, and vote for Bush. I did not have the heart to tell them that we cannot re-elect Bush until 2008, but you understand their fervor. 50% laughed at this question, apparently thinking that it was funny. Yes, really, nothing is funnier to me than making sure we have enough turbans lying around for our new leaders. On the upside, at least Nancy Pelosi would have no chance in Hell of being Speaker of the House if the Taliban was in charge. The remaining thirty percent muttered insults at our pollsters, and hung up, presumably to commit the Sin of Onan and eat Doritos.

“Who do you consider a bigger threat to your security, Democrats or terrorists? Keep in mind that terrorists have guns and bombs, while democrats are channels for all the evil energies of Satan, and, as we all know, have disgusting sexual habits, use drugs, and want to melt your guns into homosexual playthings.”

60% of those polled postulated that terrorists were the larger threat to their security. It is safe for us to consider that these respondents are all Democrats, since only a Democrat would dare to make the claim that terrorism has not been destroyed by President Bush and the War for the Peace and Freedom and Happiness and Ecstatic Joy of Iraq. Republicans can use terror in campaign speeches, however, to remind the people to be afraid of their own shadow, a shadow that only a conservative can protect them from. We know that is an effective campaign tool. 39% claim that Democrats are a bigger threat to their safety. These are the good God fearing Republicans of the lot, who know that a Democrat is the most terrifying thing a man, woman, or especially a child will ever face. Remember, though, my friends, we have something that they do not…a faith and trust in God and the Second Amendment. The remaining one percent declined to answer, in effect saying that they were too stupid to be afraid of anything. Apparently they have never stumbled upon an image of Hillary Clinton in a bathing suit.

So there we have it, the truth about the American political scene, brought to you by the Conservatives for American Values Honest-to-God Poll©. You know you can trust us, and you know you can trust your honestly elected Republican leaders. Election time is close, followers, and it is time to cover this nation in red! Red as in victories for us, of course, not red as in blood flowing freely from the victims of the Democrats…

Friday, October 13, 2006

Santorum Political Ad

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

With November quickly approaching Herman and I feel that we need to do everything we can to ensure that God's favorite Senator, Rick Santorum remains in office. So we put together this political ad which explains why you should vote for Santorum and why his opponent Bob Casey is an absolutely disgraceful human being.

Spread the word and help keep Santorum's seat safe.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Guest Post: The Enemy Within

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

While Herman and I put the finishing touches on a political ad we hope to be premiering here this Friday, please enjoy the following guest post from my colleague and friend Robert S. Larkin:
On September 29th, 2006 President Bush made a statement in which he declared that those who criticize the war in Iraq are embracing the "enemy's propaganda."

What President Bush didn't make clear, and which he should have, is exactly whose propaganda the war critics are lapping up. While it is obvious that the propaganda is from Al Qaeda, it appears that most people have overlooked which faction of Al Qaeda has distributed it to the American people.

Perhaps President Bush didn't want to panic the American people by pointing out that the propaganda in the National Intelligence Estimate was written by United States government agencies.

You read that correctly. Our government has been infiltrated by Al Qaeda operatives and they are actively indoctrinating others in the government. This is not a new tactic. In fact, I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five operatives that were known to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright as being members of Al Qaeda and who nevertheless were still working and shaping the policy of the State Department right before President Bush took office.

This is why as Americans we should be grateful that the Republican lead Congress has just passed a bill that eliminates habeas corpus, bans torture (a rather vague term if you ask me), and allows brutally effective interrogation techniques such as water boarding.

This new bill in conjunction with our domestic spying program will allow the President to weed out those within our ranks that are subverting the United States while allowing us to also extract reliable information by nearly drowning these traitors and obstructionists.

It is clear by the publication of the NIE that our greatest enemy is national intelligence and we must work tirelessly to cut this cancer from our society. We can all rest easier knowing that our government now has the tools to accomplish this.

President Bush's leadership in this area is clearly Americanism with its sleeves rolled up.

Mr. President, thank you for putting this nation on the right track.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Welcome, Soon To Be Followers

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I would like to personally extend my welcome to the latest influx of godless liberals from both Fark and Netscape. I’m glad that your curiosity about how the other half lives has brought you to our door. And by “the other half” I mean those with a coherent political ideology and who aren’t bound for the fiery and eternal pit of torment. I’d ask that you wipe your feet as you enter so as to not track sin into our home.

I’m very excited that you Farkers especially have taken time out of your busy schedule of Photoshoping “O Rly” owls to devote some energy to your personal salvation. So for everyone who’s new here to get a sense for our mission, we’d like to present you with a list of posts from the last several months that we feel are representative of our righteous mission. You might not agree with everything Herman and I have to say, but you will. In the meantime just try not to agitate our followers by openly disagreeing with anything we have written.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Forgiving the Republican Party

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Ok everyone, just take a deep breath and try not to lose faith. I know some of you are distressed about this whole “former Republican Representative Mark Foley sexually abusing underage pages because he’s a sex crazed homosexual” story all over the news, but let’s try not to overreact. Just stay calm and don’t even entertain the thought of staying home from the polls this November.

Values voters I am making an appeal to all of you. I’m asking that you not forget forgiveness when thinking of your personal values. Please fellow Christians, forgive the Republican Party for allowing a gay man to slither into God’s party. I know you’re all upset and disgusted but let’s just try not to throw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater.

Let me be perfectly clear here, if former Representative and current homosexual Mark Foley actually committed these heinous acts, then this is absolutely unforgivable. And let me further state, that if anyone in the Republican leadership had prior knowledge of Foley’s actions and refused to act then they too are culpable.

In fact, ever since Foley’s resignation there’s been a lot of talk about what Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert knew and when he knew it. Even members of his own party are calling for Hastert to resign from his leadership post for not acting on this Foley situation. I’m not so quick to call for the head of Denny Hastert though.

There’s something you have to remember about Hastert and Republicans in general, they’re inexperienced sinners. Would you really expect Hastert, a poor naïve representative from Illinois to understand any of this child molestation business? He’s not a Democrat so he has no frame of reference for any of this. So let’s not tar and feather the poor man just because he was far too innocent to understand the seriousness of all of this.

Think of how embarrassing it was for Hastert to have one of his staffers explain just what Foley was doing during those sexually explicit IM conversations. I mean just look at the Hastert’s sweet and innocent face above; do you really think he could have understood this kind of depravity? If I had my way Hastert would have remained innocent just a bit longer. Those pages aren’t the only victims in all this.

Hastert may never be able to get his innocence back, but we can prevent the entire Republican Party from becoming victims. It would be beyond foolish to let this whole situation deter you from going to the polls and voting for Republican candidates. If you allow the Democrats to win this November then you are responsible for every page that a Democrat molests. Democrats have a lifetime of sinning under their belts and they’ll continue to sin while in office. The main difference is that Democrats know how to molest a congressional page without getting caught. Think about that this November.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Don’t Take a Page from Foley’s Book

by Herman B. Hayes

Mark Foley has put the Republican Party in a bad position, but I am sure that not all the blame can be rested on him alone.

In my opinion, Mark Foley is a victim here. He has been victimized by the “teenage boys”, a priest, and the Democrats. We know this is a Democratic ploy to hurt conservatives in the month before an election. That much is obvious. I think there is something a bit more sinister than that going on here, though. Something is not right about Mark Foley trying to have sex with children, beyond trying to have sex with children.

I am blaming a good portion of this on the pages in question. Why are they hiding from us? Is it because they are in their 50’s and chatting online in their donkey print pajamas? Chances are that Mark Foley was having internet sex with Howard Dean.

This smells of a liberal sting operation, and I know it has been in the works for years now. I want to see these “children” on the news this evening. If they are so sweet and innocent, surely there is no reason to hide them behind a veil of secrecy. I want to see them, I want to know that they are not full-grown liberal hit-men on a mission to take down Mark Foley and the House leadership. On the topic of Hastert, of course he should not step down. Someone handed him some emails that seemed “overly friendly”. Is being nice a crime? It is not like they brought him a box full of severed heads found in Foley’s office.

If they are really children, then the dirty little sluts had it coming. Much like many other situations, sometimes the victim gets what they asked for.

Children of that age are not really children, mind you. Sixteen year olds may have heard about sex from evil liberal teachers, or may have even heard about it from the children of liberal parents. Mark Foley is a man of weak moral character, and it is obvious that he was susceptible to the sexual assault launched upon him by these “innocent children”. “I have a package for you,Congressman”, can only be read one way when you are a man like Foley. That way is, of course, “I would like to have internet based sexual activity with you, Congressman. Oh, here is that package from FedEx you so lustfully desired, in the same way I know you desire my penis. I want you too, Senator Sexy-Pants.”

Come on, Foley, you can do better than “I was molested by a priest.” Try replacing priest with “Democratic councilman from my hometown”, and it will be a little more helpful to us.

“Molested by a priest” is the second oldest one in the book, right after “the devil made me do it”. The priest thing is so very over-used as an excuse for having a weak moral character. Oh, and of course it is a lie, since priests are men of God and do not do things like that, ever. You are simply joining hundreds and hundreds of other liars with no credibility. No one is biting, Mark, and you really are not helping our situation. You need to attack some liberals here, even if your attacks are all lies. Help spread the blame around. Soften the blow, if you will. I know that it would be difficult for you to hurt your real party like that, but you should at least try.

You did read that right. Mark Foley is a closet homosexual, and that makes him a closet Democrat.

It is not possible to be a homosexual and be a Republican at the same time. Our Good and Holy God does not allow such abominations to roam the Earth. Foley was, probably unbeknownst to himself, a Democratic operative, out to do major damage to the Republican Party. We need to stop this baseless smear campaign before it goes any further. There is nothing to see here, folks, move along. I hear that there are some Democrats planning to kill some babies. They are calling it “abortion”. Get yourselves all up in arms about that, instead.

Mark Foley was a weak willed closet Democrat-sexual who was either led on by predatory children, or was tricked by liberal smear-merchants. Either way, remember, more Democrats than Republicans will be taking “pages” from Foley’s now-available little black book.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Conservationism, the Subtle Satanism

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It’s no secret that all liberals openly defy and undermine the Lord in everything they do. No rational person would debate this point. Sometimes though the ways in which they spit in the face of everything that is sacred can be subtle. Tree-hugging conservationists are one group of liberals that are too often underestimated by us morally minded Christians.

We all know that Muslims, atheists, homo insurgents, and other liberals pose a very real threat to Christianity and the American way of life. Too often though we ignore the moral threat posed by the bearded granola-eating vegans among us. It’s not that these anemic leaf-munchers pose much of a physical threat to anyone who doesn’t resemble a soy plant, but when their depraved ideas permeate our culture then they can pose a true moral danger to all of us.

In fact, the basic philosophical ideas of these nature loving freaks show a fundamental disrespect for The Lord. God has given us tall sturdy trees with which to build, precious shimmering oil to power our cars, and delicious meaty animals to eat, all in great abundance. When we don’t take full advantage of these gifts then we can’t be surprised when God takes it a bit personally.

To better understand my point, consider the following. Not surprisingly, I am a wonderful provider for my family. I always make sure we have enough money to keep the Steele family fridge stocked with enough food that my children will never know hunger. I also would never allow my children to eat only small portions of food so as to “conserve” what’s in that fridge.

I never want Michael Jr. to open our refrigerator door and to wonder what’s going to happen when the peanut butter is all gone. He shouldn’t ever think about that. All that he needs to know is that there’s always a jar of Jif in that fridge whenever he reaches for it. For him to think otherwise would mean he doesn’t trust in me as a provider or father.

And what if Michael Jr. refused to drink any of the Sunny D in our fridge because he wanted to appreciate it in its natural and unopened splendor? If he did, then he’d receive a very stern and harsh punishment from me. I simply can’t allow my children to take for granted what I have given them, and I know that God feels the same way.

What it boils down to is that anyone who cries all day about global warming or who devotes any time to worrying about endangered species has no trust in God. If we need more oil or more spotted owls then God will simply restock the fridge. Don’t disrespect the Almighty by worrying about what’s going to happen when we clear-cut all the forests and pollute the air.

Why take the chance of insulting the Almighty just because a couple of hippies tell you it’s the right thing to do? I ignore these unwashed reprobates and refuse to even recycle my newspapers. If you don’t follow my example, don’t be surprised if you find yourself among the unsaved. And after the rapture while you’re raiding Earth’s fridge which at that point is filled with nothing but expired condiments, Jesus and I will share a good hearty laugh in Heaven at your expense.