Monday, September 11, 2006

My Lord Is Not Huggable!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

There is a very dangerous children’s toy currently on the market and that I wanted to make all the parents out there aware of it. Just because this particular toy doesn’t present a choking hazard that doesn’t mean it can’t irreparably harm your child. In fact, this toy could be more dangerous to your child than a plastic bag filled with razor blades. I’m talking about a Bible quoting and “huggable” version of My Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Initially when I heard about this talking plush Jesus doll I was quite excited. I was even going to write a post suggesting to all my readers that they go out and buy a Jesus doll for their daughters (and Jesus Christ action figures for their sons if they were available). But when I delved further into this I made a startling discovery. I found that this doll was not the Jesus that I know and love but something far more insidious.

First of all, this doll sends kids the message that it’s ok to hug any unshaven man who uses as rope as a belt when he says things like “I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life.” I think having this doll in my house could potentially undermine the Steele family policy of not hugging homeless hippie pedophiles.

The second problem I have with this doll is how he looks. To understand what I mean, first I would ask all of you to take a moment and look at the picture of this stuffed abomination above. Notice the doll’s dark skin, his dread-locked hair, and the fact that he looks as though he would be quite adept at Frisbee or hacky sack. Now compare this to the picture of Jesus you have on your wall at home. See what I mean? Jesus should look like a beaming blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis, not some hippie with poor hygiene and a vacant glassy stare.

Do you see where I’m going with this yet? Of course you don’t. What I’m trying to say is that this is not a stuffed representation of the Jesus we all know and love. This is not the Jesus that hates sodomites, loves unfettered free market capitalism, and supports the War on Terror. This doll is a false idol of a false god created by liberals who want to undermine our Christian faith. These liberal nonbelievers co-opted Christ and remade him in their own twisted image. They created a pseudo-Jesus who preaches tolerance toward all, respect for women, and a concern for the poor. I hate this so-called Christ with every fiber of my being.

If this doll were an accurate representation of the angry vengeful God I know then no child would want to hug or play with it. If my son, Michael Jr., had a real Jesus doll then he would cower at the very sight of it. Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll. The child should fear and respect their Jesus doll, not love it and cuddle it as if it were a damned teddy bear. It is for these reasons that I’m urging parents not to buy one of these dolls for your child. If you wish to be a responsible Christian parent you need to make sure that your child views the Lord not as his “bestest snuggle buddy” but as the one thing standing between him and eternal torment in Hell.

27 Comments:

At September 11, 2006 11:54 AM, Blogger Jane said...

lolol this has brightened my day. Have you seen these I would think they would go very well with the tickle me Jesus.

 
At September 12, 2006 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is another obvious thing wrong with this doll...as we all know Jesus and God are white males, after all, he created US in his image, not some godless heathens in Africa.

Obviously this must be a ploy from one of those extremist liberal groups that tries to claim that Jesus was a typical dark-skinned member of the people that inhabited his region at that time, rather than an immaculately conceived member of the Master Race.

-sleipner

 
At September 12, 2006 9:42 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Thank the good Lord. I was running low on nightmare fuel.

 
At September 13, 2006 3:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow ! could you be any more of a scared child who insists on pushing his values on others because of your lack of faith. get a grip, this is your concern in the world today ? im sure god is concerned as you about this horrible, horrible doll !

 
At September 13, 2006 5:06 PM, Anonymous Krazny said...

I found the Jesus action figure. Perhaps it will make a better substitute to the huggable Jesus.

http://www.dollysmixtures.com/jesusactionfigure/index.html

 
At September 13, 2006 5:38 PM, Anonymous katy said...

but krazny - your jesusactionfigure is not in the "blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis" mold that is required... what to do? ... what to do?

 
At September 13, 2006 7:30 PM, Blogger Spudge_Boy said...

"Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll."

Best line ever.

 
At September 13, 2006 7:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me see if I got this right: it's OK to kiss Aryan Jesus's ass, tongue and all, but Satan forbid that some kid have a historically accurate Jesus plushie.

I got news for you: your savior's a heeb.

 
At September 13, 2006 8:55 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

anonymous number three: I have news for you! The good and glorious news of Jesus Christ my Savior...he says you are going to hell, you miserable heathen scum. I love the Words of God, don't you?

 
At September 14, 2006 11:11 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

sissy anonymous number two: Look, neither of us are trying to push our values on you. God will do that when he sends you screaming into the bowels of Hell, along with your children for good measure. Fine, let your kids cuddle up to the Jesus doll. Just remember that there is a Satan doll in Hell, and it will burn your kid's face off there. Be a responsible parent, please.

 
At September 14, 2006 11:53 AM, Anonymous Faithful Follower said...

Sir, thank you for bringing this vital issue to our attention! Our children should not be subjected to thinly veiled liberal propaganda. I do believe that a more appropriate name for this doll would be “Cut and Run Jesus”.

If I may suggest sir, perhaps you should consider developing and marketing a doll in the likeness you describe called “Stay the Course Jesus”. He could say things like “George W. was always dad’s favorite” and “don’t touch down there or you will go to hell”.

I appreciate your vigilance and your continued mission to dispel the dangerous myth that Jesus is about peace, love, and social justice.

 
At September 14, 2006 12:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

faithful follower: I actually nicknamed this doll "Communist Christ" but your name is just as fitting.

A War on Terror themed Jesus would be a great idea. I'm sure the technology is available to somehow tie it to the current color coded terror alert system as well.

If the terror alert dips down to green He could say "Don't worry, you're safe, all the Islamofacists are dead." But if the terror alert should ever reach red he could say, "Look out there's a jihadist under your bed," in a quavering voice.

 
At September 14, 2006 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, I agree. This must be that "Turn the Other Cheek" and "Love Thy Neighbor" Jesus. Obviously, the New Testament must've been written by hippie scum. I mean, Jesus just couldn't have meant some of that stuff b/c my hate-filled, white-supremacist mind just doesn't agree and I KNOW God agrees with every horrible, backwards, uncivilized thing I think up. I have been taught to hate all the people who care about their neighbors, the poor,and the sick; I don't want to take care of any of them but I am sure that I am Christian. I just know it b/c I've been told that by hate-filled demagogues.

 
At September 14, 2006 3:30 PM, Blogger Friendly Curmudgeon said...

Herman Hayes, you cannot speak for God, fool! You are not to judge, rather

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." Luke6:37

 
At September 14, 2006 3:51 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

curmudgeon: God wanted me to let you know that you are a fool who is sure to burn in Hell forever. Oh, and you are not one of His finer creations, also. He is almost ashamed of Himself when it comes to you.

 
At September 19, 2006 12:13 AM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Hey, does anybody know where I can get a Bobble Head Jesus on the Cross doll? Surely there are some around somewhere.

 
At October 01, 2006 8:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOu are a godless person. God preached equality not your form of coservative crapola. Thats right may god smite you for your twisting of his scripture. I don't agree with gay marriges either but how dare you cliam he preached capitalism and slavery for women. Your children should be asmed of their satanist father.

 
At October 06, 2006 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

'He was tempted, yet without sin' Don't you think Jesus was tempted as a gay man? Seeing how he has made me in His image, I feel proud to be gay and His child.

 
At October 08, 2006 10:29 PM, Blogger bateso said...

I have GI Joe from the sixties, which has a beard and a scar and damn, if he isn't a dead-wringer for Jehovah. I'm afraid I'll be licking the bowels of inferno when finally the master smites me.

 
At October 12, 2006 1:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The second problem I have with this doll is how he looks. To understand what I mean, first I would ask all of you to take a moment and look at the picture of this stuffed abomination above. Notice the doll’s dark skin, his dread-locked hair, and the fact that he looks as though he would be quite adept at Frisbee or hacky sack. Now compare this to the picture of Jesus you have on your wall at home. See what I mean? Jesus should look like a beaming blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis, not some hippie with poor hygiene and a vacant glassy stare."

Finally, I know that this blog is a parody...I wasn't too sure until I read that Eastern Jesus needed to look like a Cali surfer...

 
At October 28, 2006 10:34 AM, Blogger The Mad Cow said...

Excellent observations - I've long known that there are several Jesus's - at least one per race, some get a couple.

We've been having trouble deciding which Jesus is right for our multi-cultural family, though...

 
At December 17, 2006 1:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW, I absolutely cannot believe the hate in America is so strong.

 
At May 17, 2007 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you all are fucking dumb as hell... you are so ignorant i cant believe you all agree with this man. where the hell did you people come from? fucking retards.

 
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