Thursday, September 28, 2006

Santorum Leads in the Poll

by Herman B. Hayes

Santorum is simply crushing his Satanist opponent, Bobby Casey, in the polls. This election is in the bag, folks!

Certain liberal polls, such as those from Zogby, Pew, and Quinnipiac, have Casey in the lead. However, I am sure you have learned by now you simply cannot trust anyone but us, and possibly Fox News, for your political and spiritual information.

We are proud to introduce to you the Conservatives for American Values “Honest-to-God” Poll TM. Now you can get a real look at the issues, from someone you trust.

This week’s poll compares Bobby “Kitten Rapist” Casey and Rick “Jesus really really loves me” Santorum. We polled roughly 1000 people, at “random”, and asked them a series of questions related to the candidates. Our polls, since they are conducted with the help of God, have no rate of sampling error. Here are the results, broken down to appeal to even the most stupid amongst you.

“Do you intend to vote for Mr. Santorum or Mr. Casey, the pedophile, in the upcoming mid-term election?”

72 % of respondents said they would vote for Santorum, who they considered to be a good and honest man with nothing but love in his heart for everyone. 20% stated that they would vote for Casey. Our phone-pollsters reported hearing sounds of satanic worship and possible bestiality in the backgrounds of the calls to Casey supporters. 8% were deemed too dumb to know how to vote, or they had names that sounded Islamic.

“Is Bobby “Lying Jerk” Casey more evil, or is Rick Santorum closer to being God-like?”

The results were very interesting here, and I must admit that I am slightly surprised. 52% of those polled think that Rick Santorum is closer to being God-like than Bobby Casey. However, only 2% claimed that Casey is more evil, even though our pollsters said “Bobby Casey” using a snake-like hiss. 46% of those answering picked options that were not part of the poll, such as “What are you talking about?”, “What kind of question is that?” and “Bob Casey is a good and honorable man, and you should not try to hurt him like this!” Those who answered in a similar manner were reported to mental health agencies in their area, since they are obviously sick, sick people.

“How much do you hate Bobby “I will kill your kids” Casey, or, if you do not hate the candidate, how much do you despise him? Or, if you approve of Casey, why do you like porn and drugs?”

The responses here were a touch confusing. I assume this is because many of those polled simply did not understand the subtle nature of the question. 26% of those polled said that they hate Casey “A lot”, “tons”, or “so much I cannot see straight”. Yet another 26% claim to hate Casey “beyond words”, or “more than I could ever say”. The remaining respondents claimed to not hate Bobby “Pass the Weed, Dogg” Casey, and also claimed not to be fans of porn and drugs. Most claimed to like Bobby “Bong-Hit" Casey, as a matter of fact. Now, we know that all liberals are on drugs and are aficionados of pornography. It is not worth trying to lie to the Honest-to-God poll. We know your real opinions, and that is how we will mark your answers.

From what we now know, it is obvious that Bobby “Son of Satan” Casey will be finished this November. Rick Santorum holds a commanding lead in the only poll that matters, and his future is assured.

31 Comments:

At September 28, 2006 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My God....you have got to be BRAIN DEAD..this must be a joke right??? No one could be stupid enough to believe this.....

 
At September 28, 2006 5:31 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Of course this is not a joke, you idiot. Who would dare to joke about soemthing as important as the Holy-ness of Rick Santorum, or the unmitigated evil of Bobby Casey?

 
At September 28, 2006 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you know jesus loves you and not the other guy? Do you have dremas? You may have a mental disorder. Please consult a doctor. All the organised religious leaders are psychopaths. Untill they are eliminated from the face or earth, we'll never have peace.

 
At September 28, 2006 5:42 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

My personal poll of you says that you are a moron. Thank you for your time.

 
At September 28, 2006 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great site.....all I needed to see was a pic of Alfred E. Neuman. Keep up the good work....us GOD-HATING LIBERALS need a laugh now and then.

 
At September 28, 2006 7:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In case it isn't obvious this is satire. Like Stephen Colbert, the blogger is not actually serious.

 
At September 29, 2006 8:56 AM, Anonymous Joanne said...

A bunch of NUTS!

 
At September 29, 2006 11:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys rock!!! Santorim is a crusader on a mission from the good lord to wipe jesusland clean of the lightloafers! Thanks for showing us all the truth behind the liberal media b.s.

Go Cheney!!

 
At September 29, 2006 6:10 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

It's about time that America started backing mainstream candidates like Rick Santorum. We need the Republicans to take back Congress to rid us of the disastrous policies the Demorats have rammed down America's throat. The Demagogue Party has bankrupted and depopulated this country with their funding of forced abortions. Wake up America! You won't have a country to call home unless you vote correctly. If Demoncrats get their way you'll be aborted too!

 
At September 29, 2006 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

finally i have found a source of honest information. there are those of us, being GOD-fearing CHRISTians, that find foxnews too easy on those pansy liberals. we need a site that will show the TRUTH to the non-believers of the left and not extreme enough right that disobeying our all-loving GOD will bring down HIS wrath and punishment on their sinful ways!

 
At October 01, 2006 11:52 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I have been waiting for this particular issue from this particular blog for many weeks now. Reverend Hayes, you do not disappoint.

 
At October 01, 2006 11:53 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Oh, and hey, Kirk.

 
At October 02, 2006 9:35 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Hi Blue Gal. So, uh… what are you cooking?

 
At October 03, 2006 3:30 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Red licorice. Hungry?

 
At October 05, 2006 8:51 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Blue Gal: The last time I ate licorice was when I was stationed in Bangkok. I had to endure several penicillin shots to recover from that experience. It’s a shame, because I used to spend quite a bit of time devouring that stuff, but nowadays I shudder at the thought. Foreigners ruin everything.

 
At October 06, 2006 1:15 PM, Anonymous Josh said...

All those of you who spelled His Holy Name with a lowercase "j" are doomed to an eternity firey damnation where you will be skull-fucked by Higher-Demons Paul Wellstone and Jerry Garcia.

You make me so darn mad!

 
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