Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Devil Wears Condoms

by Herman B. Hayes

The way today’s society is headed, your kids are going straight to Hell.

I am not talking about the classic sins of free-thinking, drugs, or rock music. I am talking about sex. I hate to even use the word “sex”, so this is not going to be easy for me to write. My wife and I much prefer to call it “the act of procreation”.

Premarital sex is on the rise.

More and more of our youth these days think it is ok to engage in premarital sex. This is a disturbing trend, and it is only getting worse. When I was growing up only two people per graduating high-school class had engaged in sexual behavior. They were the harlot who had gotten pregnant, and the misguided but well meaning boy who had impregnated her.

As recently as 1997, only one percent of unmarried persons had experienced a sexual encounter.

I derived this figure from an informal survey of my friends, family, and neighbors, and I consider them to be very representative of society on the whole. Only one person that I polled admitted to having sex before marriage: my car-detailer, Tyrell. He said that he had sex “on the down-low”, and then looked at me with what I could only guess was memory fueled lust. I fired him, and called the police to have him taken away. I can only guess that “on the down-low” is African-American slang for engaging in intercourse while on the ground.

Things are going down hill.

Children these days can think of nothing but sex. In some cases, the premarital lust-child will stop eating, stop drinking, stop sleeping, and stop caring about school. Some people chalk this up to “hormones”. They claim that hormones drive adolescents towards sex, as though it were some primal mission based on thousands of years of evolution. I think this is ridiculous. If hormones existed, they would he mentioned in the Bible. Just try to find that reference.

Condoms in school.

I am enraged, even beyond my normal level of righteous indignation. It has recently come to my attention that there are sexual education programs in schools that actually teach children how to use condoms. Satan created condoms. Think about this for a moment: The most popular brand of sin-covers goes by the name “Trojan”. The word “Trojan” refers, of course, to the Trojan Horse. Condoms are Satan’s way of making your children think that sex is “safe”. Safe? I think not. Your young son or daughter might not catch gonorrhea, but they will spend eternity burning in the fires of Hell. So much for safe sex.

What do you do?

You need to teach your children. Teach them that God will kill them dead if they have sex before they are married. Let them know that even masturbation will guarantee that Christ will hate them forever. My children are terrified of sex, as they well should be. I simply let them know that sex was a violent, horrible, miserable, depraved, torture-filled experience. I made it sound like a Vietcong prison camp, but ran by Gary Coleman. I did let them know that sex becomes a beautiful gift from God the moment they get married, however.

Only you can keep your children safe from the dangers of sex. Stay vigilant.


At June 14, 2006 1:00 AM, Anonymous laciemae said...

People like you are the reason I quit going to church. You have no grasp of reality or of Christ's teachings.

At June 14, 2006 1:03 AM, Blogger Erin said...

You cannot possibly mean that crap. I'm a Christian, and judgemental people like you (or your persona on this blog) make me enraged.

At June 14, 2006 9:47 AM, Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

God bless you brother! We need to take this country back from the sex maniac athiest liberal scum. The Lord did not give us sex organs to have sex with except when absolutely necessary. You, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and George Bush make me proud to be an American. God bless you all!

At June 14, 2006 9:49 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

horny old guy: Your name made me think I would have to be angry with you, but I suppose you cannot judge a book by its cover. You have the right ideas about sex. Stop listening to Ann Coulter, though. She does not speak for Republican men, in my opinion.

At June 14, 2006 1:24 PM, Anonymous Oliver said...

Ok, it's clear now that this is a satire blog! And a good one at that! It's truely one of the most entertaining sites I've read.

I thought that this was serious and was just blown away by what I read - not even form the mighty America you can find people so crazy who could write such a bullshit and take it seriously, but now I see what you're doing here.

Keep up the good work, fellows! I'm a fan. :)

At June 14, 2006 1:33 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

oliver: If this blog were to happen to be satire, I would be very thankful for your kind words. As it stands, however, I am enraged. If it were satire, though, I would thank you in return.

At June 14, 2006 2:02 PM, Blogger SM said...

Your blog was a very good suggestion to the society these days.

At June 14, 2006 2:11 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

sharda: I could not agree more. Conservatives for American Values should be the only information source other than the Bible. If people would follow our lead, the world would be a much, much better place.

At June 14, 2006 5:46 PM, Anonymous Pookie said...

I say we invest our childrens college funds in industrial-strength chastity belts. Protecting their virtue is infinitely more important than their education.

At June 14, 2006 5:49 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

pookie: Do whatever it takes to keep your children chaste. You can worry about college when the time comes, but you best stop them from dying of some horrivle sexually transmitted disease before then.

At June 14, 2006 5:53 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Horrivle is a conjunction of "horrible" and "vile", in case any of you heathens were wondering.

At June 14, 2006 8:08 PM, Anonymous mills said...

Am I allowed to masturbate if I donate the sperm. I am a very lonely man.

At June 14, 2006 8:16 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

mills: Of course it is all right if you masturbate, if you want to burn in Hell for all of eternity. Furthermore, why would you even consider donating sperm? Do you think God wants you to help impregnate a woman that He has seen fit to curse with sterility? You are an idiot for preuming to meddle in the affairs of The Lord. Masturbate no more, sinner!

At June 14, 2006 9:02 PM, Blogger Joe Zombie said...

I hope you aren't using comment moderation because I showed up again. Just in case, I won't comment here or at Kirks anymore. I will continue to read however. You are the best.

I believe you're women. I hope you tell the world who you are someday, I'm dying to know. So long to you both(?) and to Kirk too.

At June 14, 2006 9:25 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

joe: An explanation for our decision to moderate comments is forthcoming.

Although I will take the time now to explain why you think both Herman and I are women. You're an idiot. That is all.

At June 14, 2006 9:33 PM, Anonymous mills said...

Women find me repulsive. God must really hate me to put me through this horrible lonely life. I'm sure He plans to send me to Hell anyway. I know what I must do, and I'm damn good at it, I've never heard me complain. Not like all the women I've ever met who point and giggle at me. Thanks for the help, I'm going to go take a nice warm, soapy bath now. Toodles.

God hates those who help themselves.

At June 14, 2006 9:45 PM, Blogger Joe Zombie said...

Thank you for the answer lady.
That is all.

At June 14, 2006 10:47 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

mills: I am sure that you did something to anger God. Learn to live with it, there is nothing that you can do now.

At June 14, 2006 10:56 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

joe: That might have been all for Michael, but I am just getting started. Look. We are not gay. You want us to be women so that you can justify your overwhelming attraction to us. Face facts, Joe, you are a sodomite. Now go away, if you are looking for "women", try to find one with a prominent Adam's apple, I am sure you will be much happier that way. Goodnight, Josephine.

At June 14, 2006 11:19 PM, Blogger Jess said...

While I do understand where you are coming from and you make some good points, I do NOT believe that having sex before being married will send someone to the fires of hell.

This is rather harsh. I believe that god forgives those who ask. This is what Jesus died for.

What exactly makes you think that because a person has trouble bringing children into the world that they have been cursed? That is very MEAN thinking and I feel that god would look worse on HATRID like this than most other sins.

At June 14, 2006 11:25 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

jess: God does not give a damn what you believe. How dare you! Do you really think God or myself care about your whining little opinion? If you want to be a little hussy, go right ahead. Make sure you are wearing asbestos when you perish, you will need it.

Just to clarify, Jesus died because people like you want to be loose with your morals and your bedroom door. You killed Christ, not me.

As for your other attempt at making a point: Of course sterility is a curse. God wants you to be fruitful and multiply. If God is not letting you multiply, you can be sure it is for a very good reason.

Take our advice, and even you can be loved by God, Jess.

At June 14, 2006 11:28 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

By God, we need more enlightened conservative such as yourselves. Rock on, worthy gentlemen (or as much as your Johnny Mathis and Frank Sinatra records will allow).

God bless ye not-so-merry gentlemen! Consider yourselves blogrolled.

At June 15, 2006 12:16 AM, Anonymous mills said...

Ah forget it then. I'll just get a big bottle of whiskey and a sleeping bag, go down to the railroad tracks and put an end to my misery.

At June 15, 2006 1:05 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

jurassicpork: Thank you for the kind words. I will see to it that you find a place in our blogroll, too. An Enemy of God, perhaps?

mills: Great idea! I love to go camping when I feel overwhelmed. I don't drink, but as long as you keep it to a reasonable level, I am sure it will be ok. I enjoy trains, too, but I have never considered working them into my camping experience. How creative!

At June 15, 2006 10:05 AM, Blogger Kitten said...

Quoting YOU is the perfect way to sum up what most normal people think about the "opinions" you express on this blog.

"God does not give a damn what you believe. How dare you! Do you really think God or myself care about your whining little opinion? "

People such as yourself with closed minds and crippled hearts give ALL Christians a bad name.

If I didn't know you were taking yourself so serious, I would have found your satire very entertaining.

I pray that God blesses you with a peaceful heart filled with love, understanding and compassion before it is too late.

Until then your family has my pity.

At June 15, 2006 10:33 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

kitten: Thank you for quoting me. Now take it to heart, and go play with some yarn or something. God will deal with you in His own good time.

At June 15, 2006 11:12 AM, Blogger decie said...

I have been trying to make a comment on you blog for a long time, but was unable because the word Verification on your blog wasn’t working.
I had forgotten all about you till I saw your weird comment on my blog, even if you hadn’t left a name I would have known it was you.
You want to wake up and smell the coffee, welcome to the real world you weird bible bashing person. SEX is fun and in case you haven known people have been having SEX outside marriage for hundreds of years, it’s not a new thing.
And I wouldn’t be surprised if you were conceived out side marriage and I bet they enjoyed it when they were doing it.

At June 15, 2006 11:27 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

decie: First, verification has been working fine, you are just stupid. Second, my I was conceived more than a year after my parents marriage. I can only assume that your situation was different. On the topic of people having premarital sex for hundreds of years, just keep this in mind: People have been going to Hell for hundreds of years, too. Just because it is becoming a habit does not mean it is a good thing. (Think about your addiction to crack cocaine.)

At June 15, 2006 1:00 PM, Anonymous ticklebug said...

This is hilarious.

At June 15, 2006 1:05 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

ticklebug: There is nothing funny about going to hell, ticklebug.

At June 15, 2006 7:15 PM, Anonymous Sister Sledge said...

Perhaps Mills would be interested in an organization that formed within the youth group at my Baptist church as I was growing up.

The young men create a group called "Bachelors 'Til the Rapture", and they eschewed dating and other lustful activities, instead gathering for manly events such as wrestling matches and hockey games.

At June 15, 2006 7:26 PM, Anonymous Bob Oblong said...

How can you be so dismissive of The Kitten? A tiara-wearing pussy with a job 'too boring to mention' (not too boring for me: sleep, eat, poo, sleep, poo, wee, eat, sleep etc...)

Imagine how long it took to get those paws keyboard-savvy? And then to get that tiny feline brain around such complex subjects as theology, psychology and cardiothoracic surgery.

But how in God's name did she find out about your family?

At June 15, 2006 9:32 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

sister sledge: I am assuming the commenter is not a real cat.

bob oblong: I think Mills is camping, but I will pass the idea along.

At June 15, 2006 10:40 PM, Anonymous mills said...

Sister Sledge, I am 42 years old and not a pedophile. I am a strong, handsome man who happens to wear an extremely small pair of shoes. If women my age didn't feel the need to get to "know me better" before we wed, I might be able to hold one to the contract of marriage. That seens highly unlikely these days. What I need to find is a desperate, hideous, single woman of virtue. Perhaps I should search the streets where the homeless stay. If I don't find one soon I'll take a bigger bottle to the Railroad track. Last night I didn't quite pass out and jumped out of the way in the nick of time. Does anybody have any ugly, single sisters or cousins I could meet? I don't mind living in a house full of cats. Really.

At June 15, 2006 11:12 PM, Anonymous Terry C said...

Great fucking satire!

At June 15, 2006 11:43 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

mills: If you can get past the part about virtue, I am sure Ann Coulter would consider marrying you. She has the vile, hideous, and ugly parts down pat. If you are gay, as I am suspecting, she would be perfect then too. It is really a no-lose situation for you.

At June 15, 2006 11:46 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

terry c: There are two things wrong with your comment. I will break it down word by word for you:

Great -- this is fine.
Fucking -- this is not a porn site.
Satire -- Is burning in Hell funny?

Thank you for the comment.

At June 19, 2006 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This has got to be a gag site. The Christian equivalent of "Ladies Against WOmen".

At June 21, 2006 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

surely if underage people were going to have sex, they would have it anyway, whether they had been given sex education at school on how to use condoms, and therefore surely it is better that they are taught rather than not being taught.

I am not saying i approve of underage sex in any way by the way...

At June 22, 2006 9:52 AM, Blogger Angry Chad said...


I am confused about many aspects of sex, as well as life in general, and because of this I pray to god often. However, god rarely answers. Since you seem to have such a firm grasp of exactly what it is that god wants, would it be ok if I just prayed to you from now on instead?

Love the site btw. Blogrolled!

At June 24, 2006 9:31 PM, Anonymous yellowrose said...

I agree....great satire!!! Is this publication part of The Onion, Inc?
Great comedy!! But remember...
"The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age."

At July 01, 2006 1:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this is a satire, is amazing. I totally love it. If its the real thing, then im scared of america, especially conservatives. No wonder I am a liberal. Lastly, if god would kill people who had sex before marriage, then a lot of people would have died already.

At July 01, 2006 2:12 AM, Blogger moises said...

racist prick

At July 01, 2006 2:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Herman, people like you give the Christian religion a bad name. You seem to believe that you're an expert on God's teachings. If this were actually the case, you never would have published such a hateful article. Who do you think you are to judge other people? God himself? The way you're talking, you seem to think you are. Unlike you, I won't make the mistake of acting like I’m God's spokes person, but I do know that one of the things that is stressed above all else in the Christian religion is love, compassion, and acceptance of all people.

Here's a thought: If you actually want to make a positive difference in the world, then instead of preaching fear to people, do what one of my customers did. She is a devoted Christian who went on a mission trip to Africa and helped build a school for the children of an impoverished village. Or do what another devoted Christian woman did who lived in the middle of the devastated areas of Hurricane Katrina right after the storm hit. Even though she lost almost everything she owned for the past eighty years of her life, she went out to get and the bring food, water, and medicine to people who would otherwise have died. She put her own needs aside for the sake of helping others. Or be a part of a charitable organization such as Habitat for Humanity, which builds homes for people in need who would otherwise not have a safe place to live.

I feel very sorry for your children since it seems you have brainwashed them into thinking that sex is this horrible, dirty, torturous thing. When you have sex with someone, you’re not just “procreating.” You are getting as close to that person as you possibly can, not just physically, but emotionally as well. You are sharing a beautiful experience with someone who you love and care about. Call me crazy, but last time I checked, that wasn’t such a bad thing!

I hope for your sake that you are able to see what a horrible mistake you are making by putting such a strong focus on fear and hate, and using God as an excuse for doing that. If you can’t do that, then it is my hope that the people who you try to influence will be smart enough to simply read the Bible and take the time to understand it instead of allowing themselves to be influenced by you. - Janos C.

At July 01, 2006 3:07 AM, Anonymous Scott-O-Rama said...

Ha ha, Mr Hayes!

As one of the "Enemies of God," it is I who corrupt your youth.

I whisper thoughts of homosexuality to your young men until they must go have sex with a woman to prove to themselves that they are straight. Alas! In the very act of doing so, they damn themselves to hell forever!

Bwahahahahahahahaha <-- evil homosexual laughter

You are no match for me. World domination (and sassy Manolo Blahnik shoes) shall be mine!

At July 01, 2006 3:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Satan created condoms then by God im gonna worship that dude.

At July 01, 2006 4:17 AM, Blogger adrianna! said...

you are so full of shit i cannot even type the anger and frustration i feel after reading this.

please grow up and realize that society is growing up and leaving you in the 1800s.

oh, and, your survey would make any statistics teacher throw up in disgust.

At July 01, 2006 4:18 AM, Anonymous Rev. P. H. said...

Almighty God has never stated in the Bible that sex is evil. Without the act of procreation, there would be no progeny to carry on life. Please, do remember that in the Bible it is said that all men are born sinners, and ALL are condemned to HELL. And In ROMANS it CLEARLY STATES THIS and THAT THE ONLY WAY TO SALVATION IS FAITH IN JESUS. For JESUS sacrificed himself on the cross not for people to judge one another, not for people to continue to create strife on Earth, but to take the punishment of eternal death "Hell" for our sins.
In your crusade to ban this otherwise 'sinful' act, do not forget that you yourself are full of Sin. If you make of procreation as a demonic lust, so be it. I myself believe that children should NOT engage in random sex with the first female they see, but to find their true love and, if the love is powerful, to join in union in marriage and even sex. Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, given to man by God, not to be warped into a curse from Satan.
The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers. Do not go around randomly spouting such words of how we are all doomed to hell IF we have sex, when it states in the book that we are ALREADY doomed to hell, and salvation comes from Christ alone, not through our own actions.

At July 01, 2006 5:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is people like you that are delaying the progress of life on earth. There is no god (ask the budhists) , there was no son of god (ask the jewish) ,no heaven and no hell (where is the proof). They are only as you make them for yourself in your mind. To teach what has not been proven is basically the ultimate sin the punishment being perpetual stupidity for you and your hopefully few offspring. People should strive to understand everything including sex.

At July 01, 2006 7:34 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Where do I begin today? With the biggest moron, of course.

moises: This is a post about sex before marriage. It is not a post about minority sex before marriage. The title is not "Cracker Be Wearing Rubbers, Homie."

all you annoymous ones below "moises": Really, you spineless little people, you just annoy me. Either you write a book on the topic, or you just say something stupid. Learn to use propper grammer and punctuation, too, please. Just because I don't know your real name does not mean you shouldn't write like I was your English teacher.

rev. p. h.: I can only assume that your church is in your mom's basement, and you preach to your stuffed animal collection. This is my place to preach, to my flock. Go away now.

adrianna!: If society somehow manages to leave me in the 1800's, I can only hope it is my name on the patent for the time machine.

scott: You are a worthy opponent, unlike these other twits.

At July 01, 2006 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its only SEX

The Prophet

At July 01, 2006 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

love the picture herman, you look the part

At July 01, 2006 10:05 AM, Blogger all you need is love said...

A good moral compass does not require religious brainwashing.

At July 01, 2006 11:35 AM, Anonymous AL said...

Ok Herman,
Part of your comment to Jess, that she killed Christ, not you, all wrong dude. WE ALL KILLED CHRIST! The bible says ALL HAVE SINNED, and that Jesus Christ died for all. It also says that if we confess our sins and accept Jesus as our savior we shall not perish, but have eternal life with him. The only difference between a Christian and one whi is not is that Christians are sinners saved by grace.

At July 01, 2006 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is no Hell, You are simple blotted out! someone is serving the wrong god. Which is obvious. The comment by laciemae says it all.

At July 01, 2006 1:35 PM, Blogger Imagine said...

Why are the most relgious so obsessed with sex?

They seem to have nothing better to do than be croch police.

humans have been having sex for millions and millions of years before they invented myths to live by. Myths at demand control over all aspects of life.

All other life forms on this planet follow their own natural instinct on Sex issues so did humans before they invented the myths and their gods.

Now sex is a dogma issue and is dictated by the religious crotch police.

so funny.

All other life forms just do what comes natural. Humans must follow the crotch police rules or go to hell.

We are in the Age of stupidity.

If there was a god/ess, s/h/it would be laughing their asses off at us.

Life is NOT a Supernatural Eternity Test!

At July 01, 2006 1:48 PM, Blogger Imagine said...


for some good god dogma 101 read.

read Joseph Atwills book

Caesar's Massiah


Where it comes from RA RA RA

Life is Not a Supernatural Eternity Test!

At July 01, 2006 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are such a sick man. How dare you saying that "God will kill" those who perform pre-marital sex? How do you know what God thinks? How dare you assuming that God will kill. Did he sent you an e-mail? Do not EVER challege the power of God. Shame on you! God is love, God cannot punish, God is not evil, God is not a criminal, God is peace, God looks deep inside your soul not your deeds. God is not sick like you and all the gifts God sent us should be appreciated and preaised and sex is part of those gifts. Go ahed, terrify your children about sex so once they get married they will be so terrified that will need counceling to overcome the crap you put in their head.....I feel sorry for your children. Instead of loving them, you are creating some disfunctional human being. God have mercy, because you must be the devil disguised as a "moral person". The devil only whants to do evil things and that's what you are doing...evil things

At July 01, 2006 2:46 PM, Anonymous Rev. Scott said...

You people cannot possibly be serious. How can you teach a child that Christ will hate them forever for anything?! Not even the worst sinner of the world has the power to put Christ´s love away. Your line of arguments its trully scary, and that comes straight from hell.

At July 01, 2006 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is ridiculous. do you really think God loves close minded people like yourself? you are just a bitter old man with nothing better to do in life but critize others. go find something good to do like help the homeless...thats something constructive. you sir are an IDIOT!

At July 01, 2006 3:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

..I thought Jesus loves and forgives even the worst sinners..I do remember reading somewhere that Jesus came not to save the worthy, but to heal and save the sick and sinful. Why would a pure Christian need any more saving, when they are already given a spot in Heaven?

Herman: Who are you that is so wise and full of wisdom that can bestow this gift upon our humble minds? Know that it is only futile to put words in the mouth of God, and to proclaim themself a messenger of God while warping his words condemns you to your own judgement.
Let the man without sin cast the first stone.
Another word of advice, Herman.
Look back at what you have said to everyone who responded in comments, and more than enough of them have been you judging, condemning, and otherwise proclaiming others who have voiced their say to eternal damnation. What are you, God?

Sex before marriage is bad. But how does marriage change anything if someone goes off and commits adultery? It's still sex after Marriage, just with the wrong person..

That's my piece

At July 01, 2006 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, the devil never comes to mislead as a devil, but an angel. For all we know, Herman could be the Anti-christ. I mean, he seems to like sending people to hell... and thus expanding his own legion of damned souls..

Personally, sex is okay...just with your wife.

At July 01, 2006 4:05 PM, Blogger Imagine said...

If god loves man, why did ne make rape possible?

I know

because he hates women.

At July 01, 2006 5:19 PM, Blogger Imagine said...

Was the universe created just for YOU?

Do animals have gods?

Do they have life after death if they fulfill their rolls as a perfect specimen of their species?

Do dogs have eternal dogma tests?

Is there a whale savior? Will they survive the humanity infestation?

Do the birds and the bees “do it” according to their specie dogma? And if they don’t?

Does the beef in your burger get an eternal life in the pasture of cow heaven?

Or is just being your tomorrows poop their reason for living?

How did an African idea of life after death become the reward from supernatural being to middle eastern tribe who made their religious hub on a Roman peninsula, so it could become the largest money and power hungry human mind control machine on this planet?

Evolution of an insane idea.

Get a good sales pitch and you can sell anything.

Prehistoric Age
Middle Ages
Dark Ages
Industrial Age
Communication Age
Age of Stupidity

Is there a trend here?

or am I just laughing too hard to see it?

As we consume the leftovers of the Prehistoric Ages as fast as we can, we are claiming in Age of Stupidity, that if we believe in the supernatural, we will live forever if we pass the holy dogma supernatural eternity test. But which one? There are so many and so many no no,s to follow. To be a natural human being is a sin, with a promise of hell to pay.

Pay or pray to the wrong one and poof you are doomed to someone’s hell.

They all claim to be the one and only. We now choose our own personal designer god to fill our shopping cart of myths to live by. Doesn’t fit no problem, just go to the next god dogma outlet and try on another for size. Bored with that… Try thinking for yourself and see what happen. You have to have a god who claims to love you, invisible friends are easy to find and no one will miss them when they are gone

They now say you MUST pick at least one, because to not believe in the Eternity Test you will FAIL for sure. There is no human who is more hated and less understood than the one who refuses to accept the eternity test even exists. To be the heretic is the enemy of all true believers even though no 2 are alike. Like snowflakes, just as cold and flakey, yet will be no more important to the universe when they melt away into a chemical ooze.

If what we put in our gas tanks, is the ooze of the dino's, what makes us so sure we will not be the ooze in someone else’s tank millions of years from now.

Then we will pass through the mechanical digestive system of a machine and join our fellow kind as chemical compounds floating in the ozone layer. HEAVEN at last?

Weren't we better off as naked savages as leavers instead of takers and destroyers?

Humanity is not the Earth’s savior, we are the infestation.

And as with all out of control infestations. excess consumption will kill us out. Much to the relief to the few surviving species who will make sure to put a check on the over evolution of a brain that thinks it is a god when it creates them in their own image.

The Garden of Eden died when humanity cultivated it.

When you control the food chain you control the world.

Oil first, food next.

Over a billion Chinese are coming into the high tech dinning table, are you READY?

Imagine .... the song lives on....

At July 01, 2006 5:48 PM, Blogger Imagine said...

I will believe in god when she rewites the bible and makes it user friendly, honest and non-discrimitory to non believers and accepst women as equal human beings instead of slaves and breeding stock.

Sending people to hell for not believing in lies and myths is what has given the Age of Stupidity its name.

Life is NOT a Supernatural Eternity Test!

Imagine... the song lingers on..

At July 01, 2006 5:51 PM, Blogger Imagine said...

Hey, the devil never comes to mislead as a devil, but an angel


so do preachers.... with their hand in your pocket

At July 01, 2006 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We all know sex is great but use a condom. Cute but obvious. Funny but no impressed. Try something less obvious.

At July 01, 2006 7:43 PM, Anonymous ArtsTech2 said...

Can ANYBODY here say "s-a-t-i-r-e"???

No wonder George "Dubya" Bush managed to become (pronounced" STEAL) the president of the U.S.A. TWICE! You people have had your BRAINS STOLEN BY ALIENS!!! (And most likely sucked out through your eyeballs, but that's yet another news story.....) ;~)

AWWW, YUCK TO HELL! I think I ate a BUG in my tunafish salad! Gross... :~(

At July 01, 2006 7:55 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

64 comments in June? How did you manage that? The Lord works in mysterious ways, and so do you, Herman.

I don't know if you know this, but your hair reminds me of Newt Gingrich's. I find that strangely attractive. What do I do to get rid of these feelings? I don't want to wind up in hell, or Scandinavia. So tell me what to do and I will do it. I was worried if I was comment 66, and wrote a 6 in my comment, that would be the mark of the devil, so I will stop now. Bye for now, Herman.

At July 01, 2006 8:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

One would think that if we returned to our values (In God We Trust) that we were founded upon, then we may not be in Irag. 911 would not have happened.

At July 01, 2006 8:59 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Ok...let me make this simple. To those of you who agree with me, you are good and are going to Heaven. For those of you who disagree with me, you are bad, and are doomed to burn in hell forever.

At July 01, 2006 9:24 PM, Anonymous AL said...

I hate to say this Herman, because the BIBLE SAYS"Judge not, les ye be judged." You sir have taken it upon yourself to judge that anyone who does not agree with you will go to hell. That is hypocritical and all but blasphemous. I wonder if you have even read the Bible and if you have do you comprehend it. Think about it Sir, Do you really believe all that you are saying? If you really do believe in God and his teachings, The Holy Bible, then you will rethink your comments. Here's hoping you will.

At July 01, 2006 9:28 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

al: The chances of me rethinking my positions are about the same as the chances of you going to heaven. Zilch.

At July 01, 2006 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think this is very funny and the writer is not the worst I have ever seen. I enjoyed it.

At July 01, 2006 10:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it bad that I masturbating while reading your blog.

At July 01, 2006 11:19 PM, Anonymous Shan said...

Do you think you are going to heaven or hell? Why?

Have you ever committed a sin?

At July 01, 2006 11:29 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

shan: I am going to Heaven because Jesus loves me more than you, and that leaves a spot open. Thanks!

anonymous sefl-toucher: It is evil to masturbate at any time durning your life. This is a mortal sin, and you have a 97% chance of giving yourself AIDS this way.

At July 01, 2006 11:42 PM, Anonymous AL said...

I will make 2 comments Herman.

1. Jesus loves everyone the same, if you read and understand The Holy Bible you would know that.

2. We will all be held accountable for our sins. On judgement day we will all have to answer for what we have done in our lives.

At July 02, 2006 5:13 AM, Anonymous Christian said...

Pretty good, I laughed a few times, but let´s keep in mind that some people might take this seriously. Some people even have a higher power that they beleive in and there is no reason to shame them for that.

At July 02, 2006 11:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Jew and most everyone I know has had sex before marriage. Some people got married when the woman got pregnant in error. Sex is sex. Sex for procreation is only available to those young enough to have children. Most of us choose not to have toooo many children and therefore have sex for sex's sake and its enjoyment.

At July 02, 2006 4:16 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

al:I will make one comment here. You are a jackass.

christian: If people think this is satire, then they are damned to Hell anyhow. Make sure to die wearing asbestos.

anonymous Jew: God has un-chosen you. I suppose you can have all the premarital sex you want, since you are going to hell anyhow.

At July 02, 2006 10:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so everyone is clear the Holy Bible states "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23. This means every living, breathing soul has sinned, even you Mr. Hayes.

At July 10, 2006 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is such bullshit, as an agnostic teen, yea agnostic i know what goes on and im glad my friends and i use condoms. we wouldnt have them if it wasnt for the school giving them out. the guy who wrote this is a horrible person. christ is not everything.


ann coulters a heartless bitch

At July 13, 2006 1:47 PM, Blogger Deitrius Sada said...

You are a closed minded, nasty old man who deems everything that he doesn't like as evil. I bet my hair will even send me to hell, right? Will a mohawk do that? How about the black fingernail polish I wear? the Metal Christian bands I listen to? You are a very evil man wether you see it or not. You have no tolerance for anything different and no acceptance for difference of opinion. In near every comment you have left, you have insulted somebody. Do not tell me that is not sin. You should take a good look at those people around you along with the for:against ratio and just think about what you are saying. How'd you like it if I said just because you wear a suit, just saying for an example, that you'll go to Hell because I don't like it and God doesn't?

At November 26, 2006 12:29 PM, Anonymous SnowFreak said...

And god gave us reproductive organs to do what again Hayes...?
fucking hypocratic poser...
You even have the audacity to say that keeping our children chaste is more important than their education! and i quote " Herman B. Hayes said...
pookie: Do whatever it takes to keep your children chaste. You can worry about college when the time comes, but you best stop them from dying of some horrivle sexually transmitted disease before then. "

By the way, you have the same chances of getting a sexually transmitted whether or not you are married...I guess you parents found your education less important as well...

At November 26, 2006 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, i'll just say this. I can't wait til you die so we won't have to put up with you anymore. If you think you're so perfect that you can rant about something as sensitive as pre-marital sex, then go right ahead, btu no one is perfect, so go look at yourself in the mirror and take a long hard look at yourself. What have you accomplished by posting that garbage? Really? So you got a few rises out of people. Thats not going to change the way they think about sex. Thats great that you're against it, and you're entitled to you're oppinion, but keep it to yourself. No one wants to hear everythng you have to say.

At November 26, 2006 6:15 PM, Anonymous SnowFreak1 said...

Oh, and by the way Hayes, on the "down-low" meens, in private or secrecy...and are you as stupid as to not believing hormones exist because they are not mentioned in the Bible...? Well then, acoording to you, nothing exists except what is said in the bible...think things through before you say them buddy. I could go on all day on how much of a close minded idiot you are but frankly i have better things to do.

At November 26, 2006 6:17 PM, Anonymous SnowFreak1 said...

sry, *don't* exist...

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At January 22, 2007 8:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

are you on crack???!!!

At March 22, 2007 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where did Jesus Christ say that all sex must lead to procreation?

Also, why did God put a sexual organ (prostate) up the anus of a man if sex should only be used to procreate?

At October 20, 2007 3:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do you people even consider what this self-righteous finger pointing fool spews forth? If you have invested any time in the bible (in any denomination mind you), you would realize he's crossed the line on more fronts than your average young person engaging in their sexual nature. I know you won't take this to heart, but you give religion in general a bad name.

If I had to guess, I'd say this individual,"Herman B. Hayes" has had intimacy issues of some sort. To declare someone unchosen from heaven is speaking for God. You might check out the word blasphemy.
I understand your viewpoint.... honestly its a righteous one, but your implementation suggests that you possess roughly the intelligence of the shit I'll be taking on your front porch.

At October 20, 2007 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lol'd.

At January 17, 2008 3:19 PM, Anonymous MARIO ROBERTS said...


At June 15, 2008 6:24 PM, Anonymous An girl against religion. said...

You're a complete moron.

At June 16, 2008 4:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find this entirely wrong. Since my parents both engaged in sex in highschool and that was way before 1997. Where they the only ones? FUCK NO! Your statistics are very wrong.

Is this guy for real?

I'm 16 and I've had sex with 5 people, and I'm in LOVE With the one!. Hormones are proven ingreatly. They accure in all animals to REPRODUCE. Humans are only more intelligent then most animals, it doesn't mean we are an entirely different thing, we are on the fucking food chain!

At June 16, 2008 4:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You just make me so hot. can I lick your penis? =D

At July 18, 2008 1:48 PM, Anonymous T Brown said...

Herman, you are nothing but a fool. God forgives every sin, and all sins are equal. Atleast that's what my Holy Bible says. Your very right about premarital sex being wrong, but very wrong about the consequences for it. Let me say it again, GOD FORGIVES EVERY SIN. What kind of "Bible" are you reading? It must be some version that has been added to by some other fool like yourself. Gah..people like you really do give Christians a bad name. I hope that you realize what you are doing one day, and quit condeming people for things that you know nothing about. You are so judgemental, and that is far from being right. People lie you are sick, and I just pray that you will see the light one day and ask for forgiveness for all that your doing. Your probably turning more people away from our good Lord than you are helping. I am going to pray for you and everyone else in your little cult that calls itself "Christians."

At August 21, 2008 6:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are certain people who believe that the use of condoms leads to unfulfilling sex. There are many gay men who have experienced loss of erection while having anal sex wearing condoms and as such they have given up using condoms while having sex. Because of this move there are chances of these men getting Dr.Ursacaught in STDs including HIV AIDS. Loss of erection has also been reported by other men when they make love with the opposite sex wearing condoms.

At December 05, 2008 5:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA HA HAAAA. maybe you should go back to the little cave you came from and start making your fire and procreation choices.
Come on 1. God doesn't damn you to hell for having sex 2. sex is good for human health 3. sex sex sex; live life a little.

At December 29, 2008 2:09 AM, Blogger sexy said...








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At September 04, 2010 4:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

6 out of 7 Christians will divorce this year. Oh my god


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