Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:

I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”

First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)

Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.

Why Am I Thankful This Year?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

What exactly, dear readers, do I have to be thankful for this year? This isn’t a rhetorical question; I’m honestly asking you if you can come up with anything I should express thanks for at my dinner table this evening. We now have a Congress controlled by liberals and the train that is this nation has had an abrupt and last minute schedule change. All aboard! Next stop: imminent death at the hand of Islamofacists. Don’t forget to pick up the remains of your loved ones before you exit the train.

This Thanksgiving, grateful doesn’t exactly describe how I feel.

I guess I could sit in front of my family and tell them that we should all look at this as a chance to bridge the great ideological chasm in this country. We should be thankful, kids, that we have all been given this golden opportunity to stop the partisan bickering and begin to mend the deep wounds we all carry. This election loss is actually a good thing. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to lie to my children like that.

I know that a slew of new politically moderate candidates have been elected to represent us. Some would take this as a clear sign that the American public is sick of this kind of partisanship. They want Republicans and Democrats to reach across the aisle and start working together. This incorrectly assumes though that there’s any common ground between the members of God’s Party and the liberals who actively work to destroy America. I assure you that there absolutely isn’t.

If you don’t believe that we conservatives are fundamentally different from liberals then just consider how a typical liberal “family” will celebrate Thanksgiving today. Things will start out normal for them, with a table filled with food and smiling people eagerly eyeing this feast. Obviously nobody will say grace because liberals would sooner die than thank God for anything. They might express thanks for being able to pick up their free range hormone-free turkey along with the organic fair trade yams at their local Hippie-Mart but the Lord’s name certainly wouldn’t be uttered by anyone at this table.

The evening would begin with some light-hearted banter and innocent table conversation. There would obviously be a bit of confusion over which of Timmy’s five gay dads would carve up the turkey. A symbolic place of honor would be set at the front of the table for whatever terrorist leader is popular among liberals at the time.

It wouldn’t take too long for this lovely dinner to devolve into a turkey filled hedonistic orgy. Since this is a family blog I will spare you the despicable details of a writhing pile of naked liberals covered in turkey juices and smeared with mashed potatoes. I certainly won’t tell you what happens as soon as they break out the cranberry sauce flavored lube. The whole thing makes me sick.

So the lesson we should take from this year’s election is not that we need to unite our two incredibly disparate political ideologies, but that we that we need to work harder at destroying the ideology that’s fatally flawed (hint: Liberalism). We need to recruit real conservatives, Michael Gregory Steele conservatives to win back our country from the Democrat’s evil grasp.

This Thanksgiving I think my family can give thanks for that. We are actually presented with a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We can select conservatives so strong and so ideologically pure that they will destroy liberalism for good. It is with this thought in mind that I will sit down, break bread, and be genuinely thankful to be an American.

The Election and the Gay Problem

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

We’ve got a problem, my conservative compatriots - a big gay problem. Given all the homosexual Republican stories in the news lately I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Now this particular problem won’t be solved by you sitting home on Tuesday and sulking. We all need to get out and do our civic duty by voting Republican and suppressing Democratic votes when the opportunity presents itself. Don’t let a couple news stories about guerrilla sodomites within the conservative ranks influence the outcome of this election. You wouldn’t let a homosexual cut your hair so why would you let one of them influence who is chosen to be your representatives for Congress?

I admit that it’s discouraging to see all the negative stories about Republicans being reported in the news lately. It’s not so much the stories of influence peddling and corrupt lobbyists that really bother me. I’m a businessman myself and I know that making a living can get legally complicated sometimes. You know I’m not looking to criminalize success here. I would have no problem looking the other way if I saw a Republican official taking a bribe, but if I caught this same official oiled up and wrestling with another man in his office then I would look the other way only so I could find a trashcan to vomit into. From there I would do everything in my power to destroy him.

It’s the news stories that involve conservatives and gay sex that really hurt the most.

In fact, this recent story about the now former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard, and his alleged engagement in a homosexually gay coital love tryst with an equally gay prostitute has deeply upset me. It’s especially distressing because of how often Haggard communicated with the White House and how hard he fought for Christian values. He may have seemed like such a morally upright individual but I guess he fooled us. I’m most upset that he allowed this to happen at a time when it’s so politically inconvenient for the Republicans, but I guess it just goes to show that gay men are concerned about sex above all else (ok, so I already knew that).

I admit that the Republican Party has a very serious problem. This Haggard story coupled with the recent scandal surrounding former Representative Mark Foley and those congressional pages makes this abundantly clear. We all know that there are far too many gays masquerading as Republicans within the Party of God and that their very presence undermines our collective moral authority. I understand that dealing with this gay problem is incredibly important but it’s not the only issue we have to consider this Tuesday.

We can all work on purging the Republican Party of homos after this election is won. Right now we need to ensure that Republicans retain control of Congress. I shouldn’t need to remind anyone that we are still engaged in a war against Islamofacists who want to kill us. The Republicans are the only ones equipped to stand up to the terrorists and to keep us alive and I think you know that.

If you’re still thinking of staying home then maybe you should consider the following scene:

Osama Bin Ladin enters the voting booth so that he can do his part to ensure a big win for the Democratic Party. He smiles as he dreams of an America without the strong Republican leadership necessary to foil his sinister terrorist plots. Liberals in power would mean no more War on Terror and nobody to stand in his way. A great sadness fills Osama’s heart though as he soon realizes that Americans would never be foolish enough to leave themselves so vulnerable. Osama hangs his head dejectedly as he turns around to exit his voting booth. Then without speaking Mark Foley and Ted Haggard slip into the booth alongside the soulless jihadist. Both gay “conservatives” begin stroking Osama’s course beard and sensuously rubbing his broad shoulders. Foley then guides Osama’s hand back to the voting machine with his firm yet gentle grip. The lever drops and Osama’s vote is cast. America’s fate is sealed.

We can’t allow the Democrats/terrorists to win next week and we shouldn’t let the gays influence this election. So vote Republican on Tuesday and I promise you that we’ll start working on this gay problem come Wednesday.

Second Santorum Political Ad

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It's nearly November and Bob Casey has apparently decided that a Senate seat is more important than a seat in Heaven. That's the only conclusion I can come to when I see Bob Casey continue to openly oppose Rick Santorum, a man the Lord is more than fond of.

In order to help right things we at Conservatives for American Values have decided to commission a second ad. If Casey insists on remaining in this race then he leaves us no choice but to expose him for who he really is.


Reelect Rick Santorum, for a less depraved Pennsylvania and a better America.

Santorum Political Ad

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

With November quickly approaching Herman and I feel that we need to do everything we can to ensure that God's favorite Senator, Rick Santorum remains in office. So we put together this political ad which explains why you should vote for Santorum and why his opponent Bob Casey is an absolutely disgraceful human being.



Spread the word and help keep Santorum's seat safe.

Guest Post: The Enemy Within

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

While Herman and I put the finishing touches on a political ad we hope to be premiering here this Friday, please enjoy the following guest post from my colleague and friend Robert S. Larkin:

On September 29th, 2006 President Bush made a statement in which he declared that those who criticize the war in Iraq are embracing the "enemy's propaganda."

What President Bush didn't make clear, and which he should have, is exactly whose propaganda the war critics are lapping up. While it is obvious that the propaganda is from Al Qaeda, it appears that most people have overlooked which faction of Al Qaeda has distributed it to the American people.

Perhaps President Bush didn't want to panic the American people by pointing out that the propaganda in the National Intelligence Estimate was written by United States government agencies.

You read that correctly. Our government has been infiltrated by Al Qaeda operatives and they are actively indoctrinating others in the government. This is not a new tactic. In fact, I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five operatives that were known to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright as being members of Al Qaeda and who nevertheless were still working and shaping the policy of the State Department right before President Bush took office.

This is why as Americans we should be grateful that the Republican lead Congress has just passed a bill that eliminates habeas corpus, bans torture (a rather vague term if you ask me), and allows brutally effective interrogation techniques such as water boarding.

This new bill in conjunction with our domestic spying program will allow the President to weed out those within our ranks that are subverting the United States while allowing us to also extract reliable information by nearly drowning these traitors and obstructionists.

It is clear by the publication of the NIE that our greatest enemy is national intelligence and we must work tirelessly to cut this cancer from our society. We can all rest easier knowing that our government now has the tools to accomplish this.

President Bush's leadership in this area is clearly Americanism with its sleeves rolled up.

Mr. President, thank you for putting this nation on the right track.

Welcome, Soon To Be Followers

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I would like to personally extend my welcome to the latest influx of godless liberals from both Fark and Netscape. I’m glad that your curiosity about how the other half lives has brought you to our door. And by “the other half” I mean those with a coherent political ideology and who aren’t bound for the fiery and eternal pit of torment. I’d ask that you wipe your feet as you enter so as to not track sin into our home.

I’m very excited that you Farkers especially have taken time out of your busy schedule of Photoshoping “O Rly” owls to devote some energy to your personal salvation. So for everyone who’s new here to get a sense for our mission, we’d like to present you with a list of posts from the last several months that we feel are representative of our righteous mission. You might not agree with everything Herman and I have to say, but you will. In the meantime just try not to agitate our followers by openly disagreeing with anything we have written.

• Rush Limbaugh’s Little Blue Nightmare
• Ending the Women’s Suffrage Experiment
• Bush Vetoes His Way into My Heart
• Santorum Leads in the Poll
• Liberal Traitors: Stop Burning American Flags
• The Devil Wears Condoms
• My Lord Is Not Huggable
• Democrats Will Let Terrorists Kill You
• Judge Hands Terrorists the Keys to Your Home

Forgiving the Republican Party

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Ok everyone, just take a deep breath and try not to lose faith. I know some of you are distressed about this whole “former Republican Representative Mark Foley sexually abusing underage pages because he’s a sex crazed homosexual” story all over the news, but let’s try not to overreact. Just stay calm and don’t even entertain the thought of staying home from the polls this November.

Values voters I am making an appeal to all of you. I’m asking that you not forget forgiveness when thinking of your personal values. Please fellow Christians, forgive the Republican Party for allowing a gay man to slither into God’s party. I know you’re all upset and disgusted but let’s just try not to throw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater.

Let me be perfectly clear here, if former Representative and current homosexual Mark Foley actually committed these heinous acts, then this is absolutely unforgivable. And let me further state, that if anyone in the Republican leadership had prior knowledge of Foley’s actions and refused to act then they too are culpable.

In fact, ever since Foley’s resignation there’s been a lot of talk about what Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert knew and when he knew it. Even members of his own party are calling for Hastert to resign from his leadership post for not acting on this Foley situation. I’m not so quick to call for the head of Denny Hastert though.

There’s something you have to remember about Hastert and Republicans in general, they’re inexperienced sinners. Would you really expect Hastert, a poor naïve representative from Illinois to understand any of this child molestation business? He’s not a Democrat so he has no frame of reference for any of this. So let’s not tar and feather the poor man just because he was far too innocent to understand the seriousness of all of this.

Think of how embarrassing it was for Hastert to have one of his staffers explain just what Foley was doing during those sexually explicit IM conversations. I mean just look at the Hastert’s sweet and innocent face above; do you really think he could have understood this kind of depravity? If I had my way Hastert would have remained innocent just a bit longer. Those pages aren’t the only victims in all this.

Hastert may never be able to get his innocence back, but we can prevent the entire Republican Party from becoming victims. It would be beyond foolish to let this whole situation deter you from going to the polls and voting for Republican candidates. If you allow the Democrats to win this November then you are responsible for every page that a Democrat molests. Democrats have a lifetime of sinning under their belts and they’ll continue to sin while in office. The main difference is that Democrats know how to molest a congressional page without getting caught. Think about that this November.

Conservationism, the Subtle Satanism

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It’s no secret that all liberals openly defy and undermine the Lord in everything they do. No rational person would debate this point. Sometimes though the ways in which they spit in the face of everything that is sacred can be subtle. Tree-hugging conservationists are one group of liberals that are too often underestimated by us morally minded Christians.

We all know that Muslims, atheists, homo insurgents, and other liberals pose a very real threat to Christianity and the American way of life. Too often though we ignore the moral threat posed by the bearded granola-eating vegans among us. It’s not that these anemic leaf-munchers pose much of a physical threat to anyone who doesn’t resemble a soy plant, but when their depraved ideas permeate our culture then they can pose a true moral danger to all of us.

In fact, the basic philosophical ideas of these nature loving freaks show a fundamental disrespect for The Lord. God has given us tall sturdy trees with which to build, precious shimmering oil to power our cars, and delicious meaty animals to eat, all in great abundance. When we don’t take full advantage of these gifts then we can’t be surprised when God takes it a bit personally.

To better understand my point, consider the following. Not surprisingly, I am a wonderful provider for my family. I always make sure we have enough money to keep the Steele family fridge stocked with enough food that my children will never know hunger. I also would never allow my children to eat only small portions of food so as to “conserve” what’s in that fridge.

I never want Michael Jr. to open our refrigerator door and to wonder what’s going to happen when the peanut butter is all gone. He shouldn’t ever think about that. All that he needs to know is that there’s always a jar of Jif in that fridge whenever he reaches for it. For him to think otherwise would mean he doesn’t trust in me as a provider or father.

And what if Michael Jr. refused to drink any of the Sunny D in our fridge because he wanted to appreciate it in its natural and unopened splendor? If he did, then he’d receive a very stern and harsh punishment from me. I simply can’t allow my children to take for granted what I have given them, and I know that God feels the same way.

What it boils down to is that anyone who cries all day about global warming or who devotes any time to worrying about endangered species has no trust in God. If we need more oil or more spotted owls then God will simply restock the fridge. Don’t disrespect the Almighty by worrying about what’s going to happen when we clear-cut all the forests and pollute the air.

Why take the chance of insulting the Almighty just because a couple of hippies tell you it’s the right thing to do? I ignore these unwashed reprobates and refuse to even recycle my newspapers. If you don’t follow my example, don’t be surprised if you find yourself among the unsaved. And after the rapture while you’re raiding Earth’s fridge which at that point is filled with nothing but expired condiments, Jesus and I will share a good hearty laugh in Heaven at your expense.

Chavez Plays With Hellfire

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has got a lot of nerve. The communist leader has long thumbed his nose at America and her freedoms, but this time Chavez has taken things too far. Instead of just verbally assaulting America from afar, Hugo has decided to make things personal by continually insulting our President during his recent visit here to the United States.

In fact, while making his address to the U.N. in New York last week, Chavez used the opportunity to cement his reputation as the Hispanic Howard Dean:

"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said, referring to Bush, who addressed the world body during its annual meeting Tuesday. "And it smells of sulfur still today."

I actually watched the footage on TV while Chavez made these incendiary remarks. One thing I noticed though is that Chavez never actually called Bush “the devil” during his speech, but instead referred to him as “el Diablo.” After spending years listening to the incomprehensible gibberish spewed by my gardeners I can recognize Spanish when I hear it and this little moronic diatribe was made in Spanish.

Look, if you’re going to cross the Mexican border, like Chavez presumably did en route from Venezuela, and come to this country you’d better know how to speak the language. Now I’m sure Hugo knew pretty far in advance that he would be addressing the U.N. here in the good old U.S. of A. He had plenty of notice. He could have at very least learned a few English words so that when he spat on everything we stand for, he could do it in our native tongue. If you’re going to insult the President of the United States on American soil, at least have the decency not to do it in Spanish.

Now let’s move on to the actual substance of Chavez’s remarks. Again, he called President Bush, a leader hand-picked by the Almighty, Satan. Unbelievable! But this just begs the question, why would the Lord pick His greatest foe to rule over His favored nation? The whole thing just defies common sense.

Another point to consider is that the devil would have great difficulty climbing the ranks within the Republican Party, the party of God and moral values. Maybe he could get elected to a local post like county commissioner but certainly not president. I think it’s quite clear that if Satan ever wanted to find himself in the White House, he’d have to do so with a “(D)” after his name. Even then it would be quite a struggle for Beelzebub to make it through the Democratic Party primary with all those far-left liberal delegates questioning whether he’s truly evil enough to represent the Democratic Party.

But all of this talk about Satan’s presidential prospects is taking me away from my main point – Hugo Chavez is a godless communist who made a tremendous error in judgment by insulting President Bush. It would be wise for Mr. Chavez to keep a lower profile and keep his Spanish-speaking mouth shut. If Chavez continues to taunt us, he may leave America no choice but to unleash a devastating wave of freedom and democracy upon his nation. I also think it’s high time that Hugo Chavez learned a few words of English. Maybe, just maybe, he could begin by slowly and carefully sounding out the word “sorry.”