Friday, June 30, 2006

Al Qaeda Judicial Squad

by Herman B. Hayes

On 6-29, America was attacked by terrorists. Jihad has struck at our shores once again.

On Thursday, the Supreme Court decided in a 5-3 ruling that our guests at Guantanamo Bay could not be tried in military tribunals. I went outside when the ruling was announced on CNN, just to see if I could hear the forces of terror cheering. I could, and the nine loudest cheers came from within the Supreme Court itself.

Apparently cherry-picking a Supreme Court does not guarantee you as much as it used to.

Our great and holy President Bush has done his best to keep this nation safe. Mr. Bush has personally gone after the forces of terror in Iraq, in a series of lightning in-and-out raids. He has championed the Patriot Act, which essentially outlaws the vile free speech required to be a terrorist. Furthermore, he hand picked two Justices for the Supreme Court, and made sure that august body would vote the way he, President Bush, saw fit. I guess you can’t even trust your good personal friends these days.

Five plus three equals nine, if you are an idiot.

Now, Conservatives for American Values should be your only news source. Since I am sure that you have not heard about this anywhere before, let me break down this ruling for you. Five Justices voted to support the terrorists: Stevens, Breyer, Ginsberg, Souter, and Kennedy. Voting to support freedom and Jesus were Scalia, Thomas, and Alito. The Oh-so-extremely Honorable Chief Justice Roberts recused himself due to prior involvement in the matter. So, which Justices should we send to Gitmo for supporting terrorism?

We should Guantanamize each and every one of them.

My reasons are very simple, but in case your minds are simpler, I will explain. My logic is clear for the five of them who voted in favor of killing American woman and children. Why would we incarcerate Scalia, Thomas, and Alito, though? They seem to be the ones who do not want to see dead Americans stacked like cordwood. To put is as gently as I can: They are hellbound cowards of the worst kind. The three dissenting Justices should have attacked and disabled the five-person Al Qaeda Judicial Squad before they could carry out this vicious terrorist attack on our nation. “But what about Roberts, what did he do?” you ask.

It is more a matter of what John Roberts did not do.

He could have stopped this mess before it ever started. First off, he should not have recused himself from this decision. He is the Holy Leader of the Supreme Court. He had the power that God granted him, and he failed to use it. His vote, plus a little persuasion, could have prevented 6-29 from ever happening. It would have been a simple matter for Chief Justice Roberts to convince a weaker Justice, such as the female Ginsberg, to vote in the proper manner. I would have suggested using some of the same persuasion techniques that we have honed so well at Guantanamo Bay. I guess he will get a little more first hand experience in that area now.

We must send them there, so they can’t attack us here.

It is clear what we must do. Our nation has been attacked by the radical Islamic terrorists of the Supreme Court. We must find them, lock them up, and try them before a military tribunal. Perhaps after our Glorious President has had the chance to hand pick an entire court, America will be safe again. Until then, we must move on. America will never forget the events of 6-29, but we cannot allow them to ruin our lives. America must band together, except for the liberals and the homosexuals, and press on towards a glorious future.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Rush Limbaugh's Little Blue Nightmare

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I’m sure many of you have heard the seemingly disappointing news about Rush Limbaugh. For those of you who haven’t, here’s the “story” as the mainstream media is reporting it:

.. Limbaugh was detained Monday for more than three hours at Palm Beach International Airport, upon returning from some R&R in the Dominican Republic. Customs officials reportedly found a bottle of [Viagra] in his bag--but his name wasn't on the prescription
As you can imagine, liberals are having an absolute field day with this story. I just find it so fascinating that godless unbelievers would have the gall to cast judgment upon anyone, let alone a man as thoroughly righteous as Rush.

Yes, yes, I do realize that Rush has had problems with prescription pain killers. He’s admitted to this and has gotten the treatment he needed. While I’ve never had such a moral lapse, it seems that sometimes God’s children (read: Conservatives) are entitled to make mistakes. The difference between him and some strung out kid in the ghetto is this - Rush had a job that paid well. Jesus is more than willing to take you into his arms and forgive such indiscretion as long as you’re a contributing member of society. Otherwise, it’s just you and your crack pipe.

But, back to this Viagra story and the true explanation that the media just doesn’t seem to get. You see, Rush went to the Dominican Republic for one reason and one reason only… to prove his righteousness to himself and to all of us.

Rush obviously experienced a great deal of self-doubt after his bout with OxyContin addiction. “Am I still the morally upright person I proclaim to be?” “Can I still continue to cast stones even though I am no longer without sin?” He probably asked questions like these over and over again in his head. But ultimately he realized that too many people depend on him and that he needed to do something to rebuild his moral confidence.

Now, the best way that I know of to prove your righteousness is to put yourself in a situation where you are strongly tempted to sin so that you can resist this temptation. Rush Limbaugh clearly understands this and took his bottle of Viagra to a place known for its prostitutes and flourishing sex industry – the Dominican Republic.

I can picture Rush now, walking down those dusty streets with the bottle of Viagra in hand. He pops a few of those little blue pills into his mouth as he continues down this road and towards his ultimate redemption. He walks by a group of brown skinned temptresses who offer to fulfill any depraved sexual desire he might have. But he resists. Even though his member is fully engorged and throbbing he still resists.

Could you liberals honestly say that you would have as much moral fortitude as Mr. Limbaugh? Would your response be the same?

So before you cast moral judgment on this great man, ask yourself this: how many Dominican whores could you walk past with an erection before you gave in to your base carnal desires?

Monday, June 26, 2006

Workers Rights are Simply Wrong

by Herman B. Hayes

Please, for the love of all that is good, shut up.

You, the American worker, are giving me a splitting headache. You complain about every little thing under the sun. What is wrong with being happy that you have a job, and keeping your trivial little opinions to yourself? As a business owner, I am very familiar with your grievances, and I could not care less about them.

Liberals…Good for the jobs you can’t outsource.

Sadly, I do happen to employ a good number of liberals. The primary reason for this apparent lapse in protocol is financial. Conservatives consider money to be something of importance, and I agree. Liberals can be paid less. They are too weak and stupid to stand up for themselves. The secondary reason is a touch more insidious: If I work a liberal nearly to death, the chances of them becoming an activist, or even a voter, drop dramatically. This is why I am so happy that American business is controlled by the Party of God.

Since when is “employee” a dirty word?

For some reason the idiots that work for me are starting to dislike the word “employee”. I would understand if I called my workers “slaves”, or “fodder”, or “chattel” to their faces, but I only use those terms in board-room memoranda. Today, I was forced to take all radios out of the hands of my employees, and crush them. I do not care if I was destroying their personal property, they bought it with my money, remember? I needed to silence these radios so that my peons could no longer listen to Thom Hartmann. Thommy-boy is a liberal who prefers the word “progressive”, similar to how I prefer to call liberals “those who are damned to the fires of hell for all eternity, after a life of insignificance here on Earth”. The Progressive Chipmunk, as I call Thom, has been saying that “producer” is a better word than “employee”. If any of my employees are reading this, first congratulations on finishing your GED classes. Second, if I hear you calling yourself a “producer”, I will teach you a new term: homeless beggar.

Your wage is fair…to me.

Dear American workers…none of us care if you think your pay is too low. You all need to realize that we business owners did not go into business for you. We want the money, and we demand that you make it for us. We will decide what you will be paid, and you will have no choice but to live with that. You talk about wanting a “living wage”. What is that? I am quite able to live with the wage I pay my employees. They are able to make it to work, and none of them have starved in recent memory. Stop whining, and get back to being a producer…of my profits.

I will make the suggestions, because I own the suggestion box.

Listen up, you dirt covered labor-lemmings. There are a few very important things you can do to ensure you keep your jobs. First, abandon your unions. They started to die the same instant that someone who makes brake pads decided to get involved in politics. Second, stop asking for better conditions, pay, and the like. We are not going to give it to you, and it makes us very angry when you ask. Your constant complaining is the reason why we business moguls outsource. You can bet that Habib and Pedro don’t ask for anything other than not to be physically abused by our appointed managers. Third, and last, is the topic of benefits. We are taking them away from you for your own good. If you don’t have health insurance, you will not live a dangerous lifestyle. Nothing helps you make better health decisions than the understanding that a wrong choice could mean death or financial ruin. Remember to thank your boss the next time you see them.

Get back to work, America, and don’t read this on company time.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Welcome To The Fold, Senator McCain

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know, I’ve noticed a real change in the senator from Arizona, John McCain lately. I have to say it’s a change I find refreshing from the man who once said this about evangelical leaders during his 2000 run for president:

They've led our party in the wrong direction.… The message of intolerance and exclusion rather than inclusion is directly in contradiction to the message that I've been trying to send around America... They will desert, I hope, the intolerant and wrong-headedness of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.
I wonder, Senator McCain, how did your strategy of asserting that the Religious Right is some sort of tumor on the Republican Party work out for you? Oh, you didn’t even make it out of the primary, did you? Well even a weak-kneed moderate like yourself is smart enough to now realize that we can be just as exclusionary and intolerant to Republicans who don’t share our views as we can be to homosexuals who try to corrupt our children.

Now, as campaigns for the 2008 presidential elections begin to heat up it seems that the McCain has changed his tune to something more pleasing to my Christian ears:
By accepting the invitation [to speak at Falwell’s evangelical Christian college] and showing newfound respect for Falwell, political analysts say, McCain is courting religious right voters with the goal of accomplishing in 2008 what he couldn't in 2000: win the Republican nomination for president.
What do you think, dear readers, has McCain finally accepted Jesus as his personal savior? Has he at last recognized the cracks in the foundation of the moral edifice in this country? You might think so, but let me explain to you how you’re once again wrong.

First, I should acknowledge the fact that John McCain is a hero. He has truly seen the horrors of war as a POW in Vietnam and for that I respect him. I, as a conservative, have nothing but good things to say about any man who has served his country in the military, be he Republican or even moderate Republican.

Given his experience with war, I think it's safe to say that McCain fears no man. Unfortunately this fearlessness also extends to God. He simply does not have a healthy fear of God to help inform his politics. McCain is a man without any sense of morality, and quite frankly is a man with no soul. But this empty vessel of a man can still prove quite useful to me and the rest of the social conservative movement.

You see, we’re all well aware of the fact that McCain does not share our values but we also know that he wants very badly to be president. To even stand a chance of making it this time, he’ll have to get the Jesus-friendly seal of approval. In order to get this, he’ll have to promise and deliver anything we ask him for.

We may even draft the executive order calling for the designation of homosexuals as enemy combatants in the war on Terror so that he can sign it immediately should he make it to the oval office. I have to admit though, that there is nothing greater then watching a former foe crawling on his belly pleading for my help. There is simply nothing sweeter than this.

So you may have been wondering what that absolutely fabulous scent Senator McCain has been wearing lately is called. It’s called political desperation. I personally think it suits him quite well, and I know the rest of the Religious Right movement find it absolutely intoxicating.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Is PA Going Gay?

by Herman B. Hayes

Is PA going gay? The answer is a simple, resounding “depends on who you ask”.

I usually try to stick to matters that are important nationwide. You might be asking yourself why I am choosing to center my attentions on my home state of Pennsylvania. I feel no need to explain myself to you, but I am in a magnanimous mood today. The first reason is the fact that this is my post. The second reason is that if PA can go gay, so can your state. Actually, this does not apply to Washington, as you are already a gay state.

Two Pennsylvania politicians are in the Sodomite-Spotlight this week. Can you guess who?

One is a wonderful human being, and a model of virtue and God-fearing piety. He loves his God, his country, and his family. He has the huge heart it requires to take your stillborn fetus-child into your bed, and cuddle its lifeless form through the night. He thinks that if you are gay you have a good chance of bursting into flame at any moment, and I platonically adore him for it.

The other is a great big bear of a man, a great big hairy evil bear. He is just about as gay as a person can be. I feel sorry for men who have to be near him. He is the kind of guy who you can share a cab with, and by the time you get your bags from the trunk you will be a flaming homosexual. Have you figured out who our candidates are yet? Well, here they are!

Senator Rick Santorum

In case you are a moron, he is the straight one. There has been some doubt about that this week, though. I am sure you have all seen the photo of Mr. Santorum wearing the fabulous lavender blazer with the flaming pink tie. Get over it, folks. It does not make you a homosexual to dress to fit your mood. Rick Santorum is simply gay as hell. Of course, I am using the proper meaning of “gay”, which is “happy”. Rick Santorum has a song in his heart, probably some happy little ditty from Broadway. A real man like Santorum can wear what he wants, and that does not make him a closeted homosexual. Singing show-tunes does not make him gay, and neither does having an entire litter of children to prove your manhood, either. Only if he were to have sex with another man would he be gay like…

Governor Ed Rendell

You guessed it, Ed Rendell is about as gay as a man can get. Last week Dame Ed Rendell kicked off the gay-pride march in Pittsburgh. He was even sporting a nice little rainbow flag on the front of his government issue blue suit. Recently, for those who do not know, the Pennsylvania House passed an amendment outlawing gay marriage. Rendell, who supports gay marriage, was very upset. Rendell would like Pennsylvanians to be able to marry whoever or whatever they want. If Big Ed had his way, I could marry a lamp-post. My logic is simple, for those of you who still doubt my God-granted infallibility. If you attend a gay pride march or rally, then you are gay. If you live on the route of one of these hell-bound processions, you might turn gay. If you know a gay person, you have almost a 92 percent chance of turning into a homosexual. Ed Rendell might have started off straight, but he never had a chance with all those flaming heathens around. That march across the Roberto Clemente Bridge was nothing more than a march to the devil’s doorstep.

Do not despair, Pennsylvanians.

November will be here soon, and Ed Rendell will be ousted from the Governor’s Mansion. We will have a real man at the helm of our Commonwealth. Lynn Swann will lead us forward, putting his skills as a Hall of Fame receiver and a trained ballerina to good use. His testosterone dripping name will strike fear into queers far and wide. As for Santorum, we all know that his seat is safe, and straight.

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Meek Shall Inherit My Tax Burden

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know, the more I think about how much of my hard earned money goes to pay for social programs to benefit jobless liberals the angrier I become. I do not work hard making money so that it can be taken from me by Uncle Sam and used to feed those who are too stupid and lazy to feed themselves.

Why should I even have to pay any taxes at all?

You see, taxation is, and always has been, a form of punishment. You force people to pay money to deter them from committing a certain act. You are fined for speeding or littering so that you will think twice before doing either of these things again. Since when did being financially successfully and having more than enough money to sustain yourself become a crime?

Just think if the rules of the road worked like our current inequitable tax system does:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
You: No, sir, I honestly don’t know why. I was going the speed limit and I’ve always been a careful driver.
Officer: Well, I saw you come to a complete stop at that stop sign back there and you even signaled before you turned, so I’m going to have to give you a ticket and a fine.
You: But I don’t understand...
Officer: Well it’s simple, we’re going to take the two hundred dollars we get from you and give it to a driver who just ran a red light and plowed down three pedestrians walking on the sidewalk so that he can get a more powerful engine put in his car.
Does this scenario seem at all fair to you? If it doesn’t then that means you’re sick of this progressive tax system we are currently stuck with. If it does then it means you’re an idiot.

The simple fact of the matter is that if you bring home anything less than $100,000/year, then you cannot honestly say that you’ve worked as hard as you could have. It’s people like this that need a firm reminder that they will get nowhere in this country without a good strong work ethic. Taxes should serve to motivate those less industrious people to put in those extra weekend shifts at Burger King if they hope to have enough to pay both their tax bill and rent come April. I obviously don’t need such a reminder and therefore should not have to pay a single cent in taxes!

Bottom line, the wealthy should not have to pay taxes just because they have more than enough money to meet their basic needs. I’ve heard people say that taxes are the price you pay for living in a country that actually allows you to acquire so much wealth. It’s supposedly giving back to a country that has given you so much. To this I say that I’ve already contributed more than enough to this country by actually working to my potential and fulfilling the American dream.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Wrong Kind of Democracy

by Herman B. Hayes

We need to end the occupation of Iraq, and start the war again.

Iraq is a serious threat to our national security. The U.N. is once again refusing to act, and America must go it alone one more time. The government that we helped elect has turned its back on us, and we cannot allow this to stand. Some of you are scratching your heads now, and that means that either you have lice, or you are confused. I can do nothing for your infestation of vermin, but I can help set your thoughts straight. I know God, and God wants us to go show Allah how it is done. There are three main reasons why we need to take over Iraq:

Amnesty? This is my least favorite word, after “liberal”.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, a Shia (more beheading, less bombs), has promised amnesty for all insurgents who have only killed Americans. Now, I am only guessing, but I suspect that the terrorist leaders have told their people the exact same thing, only replacing “amnesty” with “seventy-two virgins”. Before we know it, Iraqi mothers will be saying to their children “Ok, now you go play, Jaffahazabara, kill some Americans, but don’t eat any pork. Be back before 10 or I will cut off your feet…have fun!” The government of Iraq has mailed out embossed invitations to kill our boys, and we paid for the stationery.

Everybody do the Egyptian.

By “do” I mean “kill with a smart-bomb or a bullet in the forehead”. Al Qaeda has a new leader in Iraq, and his name is Abu Ayyub Al-Masri, also known as “The Egyptian”. Al-Masri is an expert in explosives, as opposed to Al-Zarqawi, who was an expert in knitting hats for infants. We are in much more danger now, since the number three Al Qaeda operative in Iraq is a master at mailing things through U.P.S. He learned this skill while in the U.S. on a student visa, attending an eBay training academy. The vile Islamists now have the ability to attack us on our own soil. Remember what we have been saying for years now: “We need to fight them there, again, so they cannot attack us here, again.”

They are such rude hosts.

Vice President Tariq al-Hashimi, a Sunni (more bombs, less beheading), asked our esteemed leader President Bush for a timetable for our withdrawal on Tuesday. These newly elected Iraqis really do have some nerve. Think about it for a moment. Islamic law says that you must treat any guest in your home as though he were family. Imagine if you had a houseguest. They have only been in your home for a few years, and they have destroyed nearly everything you own. Would you ask them to leave? Of course not! Americans are not as rude as Muslims, I suppose, as we rarely throw out our rich uncles.

We have exhausted all diplomatic avenues.

There is no option now but war. Our great leader spent nearly five exhausting hours in negotiations with Iraqi leadership this week, to no avail. The Iraqi menace grows every day, and the Iraqi citizens are desperate for freedom from their oppressors. Do not fear, people of Iraq. America will come to your rescue.

Get ready for freedom, Iraq!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Why Censorship Is So Important

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You may have noticed that we have started moderating all comments on this blog. In the past couple days we have received comments that we didn’t like from people whose views do not mesh with the overall mission of Conservatives for American Values. Those fools have now been silenced.

I don’t think we need to justify this decision to anyone, but I would like to give my readers a taste of the type of comments that have polluted this blog (their names have been changed for their own protection):
firearmz said: You are not Christians, I am a Christian. You will go to hell, I will not go to hell. You are bad, I am good.
This is probably the most absurd thing I have ever read. I’m not a Christian? I am the measure by which all other Christians should be judged. You claim to be a Christian, yet you do not believe fully in the principles of conservatism that Jesus teaches. Me go to hell? Not unless God wants to send me down there to help torture all the liberals that have ended up there.
the inebriated Japanese warrior said: You guys are insane. I am a conservative and you’re making all of us look bad.
Yes, I make all of you look bad but only by comparison. I am an unabashed conservative, untainted by the disease of moderateness. You, on the other hand, are a weak-kneed coward who is afraid to stand up for the true principles of the Republican Party. I do shame you, but only because you’re a pale imitation of a conservative.

Another issue with allowing comments to be posted without our approval is that a comment can remain up for hours without Herman or I having the chance to address it. This gives liberals an opportunity to present subversive or depraved ideas such as the ones presented above before we can rhetorically rip them to shreds. This puts our readers at risk of succumbing to the twisted ideology of liberalism. I cannot let that stand!

You may disagree with our decision, but luckily for those true conservatives who understand the importance of censorship, we won’t have to read your idiotic complaints about it anymore.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The Devil Wears Condoms

by Herman B. Hayes

The way today’s society is headed, your kids are going straight to Hell.

I am not talking about the classic sins of free-thinking, drugs, or rock music. I am talking about sex. I hate to even use the word “sex”, so this is not going to be easy for me to write. My wife and I much prefer to call it “the act of procreation”.

Premarital sex is on the rise.

More and more of our youth these days think it is ok to engage in premarital sex. This is a disturbing trend, and it is only getting worse. When I was growing up only two people per graduating high-school class had engaged in sexual behavior. They were the harlot who had gotten pregnant, and the misguided but well meaning boy who had impregnated her.

As recently as 1997, only one percent of unmarried persons had experienced a sexual encounter.

I derived this figure from an informal survey of my friends, family, and neighbors, and I consider them to be very representative of society on the whole. Only one person that I polled admitted to having sex before marriage: my car-detailer, Tyrell. He said that he had sex “on the down-low”, and then looked at me with what I could only guess was memory fueled lust. I fired him, and called the police to have him taken away. I can only guess that “on the down-low” is African-American slang for engaging in intercourse while on the ground.

Things are going down hill.

Children these days can think of nothing but sex. In some cases, the premarital lust-child will stop eating, stop drinking, stop sleeping, and stop caring about school. Some people chalk this up to “hormones”. They claim that hormones drive adolescents towards sex, as though it were some primal mission based on thousands of years of evolution. I think this is ridiculous. If hormones existed, they would he mentioned in the Bible. Just try to find that reference.

Condoms in school.

I am enraged, even beyond my normal level of righteous indignation. It has recently come to my attention that there are sexual education programs in schools that actually teach children how to use condoms. Satan created condoms. Think about this for a moment: The most popular brand of sin-covers goes by the name “Trojan”. The word “Trojan” refers, of course, to the Trojan Horse. Condoms are Satan’s way of making your children think that sex is “safe”. Safe? I think not. Your young son or daughter might not catch gonorrhea, but they will spend eternity burning in the fires of Hell. So much for safe sex.

What do you do?

You need to teach your children. Teach them that God will kill them dead if they have sex before they are married. Let them know that even masturbation will guarantee that Christ will hate them forever. My children are terrified of sex, as they well should be. I simply let them know that sex was a violent, horrible, miserable, depraved, torture-filled experience. I made it sound like a Vietcong prison camp, but ran by Gary Coleman. I did let them know that sex becomes a beautiful gift from God the moment they get married, however.

Only you can keep your children safe from the dangers of sex. Stay vigilant.

Monday, June 12, 2006

My Two Part Plan for Bettering America

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It’s not always enough to just talk about liberals and the problems they create – sometimes we need a clear plan to deal with these societal problems head-on. Therefore, I humbly submit a two part plan that I know can help change America for the better.

1. Immediately deport all “illegal immigrants”
This part is simple; we need to introduce legislation that would deport all illegal immigrants in this country back to Mexico (regardless of their country of origin). Amnesty is not an option here. These people broke the law in coming to this country and that makes them criminals. I say anything less than a savage beating followed by deportation is a sign of weakness.

2. Redefine the definition of “illegal immigrant”
Mexicans are trying to change every word in the English language to its Spanish equivalent while at the same time homosexuals try to redefine the very definition of marriage. It’s time we end this “war on words” and take back the English language and our country!

With our no nonsense deportation policy in place, the second step of my plan is to introduce a bill that expands the definition of who should be considered an illegal immigrant to include:
  • Anyone who speaks Spanish fluently
  • Homosexuals
  • Non Christians
In doing this we ensure that America is cleansed of its less desirable citizens and is that much closer to the Christian utopia we all pray so loudly for. Please, if you are reading this, call your Senators and tell them “No amnesty for immigrants, homosexuals, or Spanish speakers.”

Friday, June 09, 2006

Ann Coulter Killed and Ate Donna Reed

by Herman B. Hayes

Don’t act so surprised.

Ann Coulter has overstepped her bounds for the last time. I cannot let a woman be the mouthpiece of the neo-cons. I especially cannot let that woman be Ann Coulter. Have any of you noticed that she is a Howard Dean style nutcase?

Women should be seen, not heard.

I do not need to share Ann Coulter’s most recent foot-in-mouth comment with you. I am sure you have seen all the crying liberals spread all over each and every news channel. I disagree with what Annie said, and I do not think it is right for her to attack widows. One reason for that comes to mind instantly:

Anne Coulter will never be a widow.

Ann Coulter is not a married woman. I can only assume that she has left a trail of jilted, and possibly maimed, lovers in her wake. We cannot have a wanton woman claiming to speak for us! This is insane! Any woman of her age that has never been married is one of three things. I will lay them out for you, of course.

One…Beware loose women.

It is very possible that Ann Coulter is not married because she is having her desires met in another fashion. I can only surmise that this means sex with men who are not her husband. This should still be a stone-able offense, in my eyes. I think it is rather unbecoming that the writer of “Godless” could be a raging harlot.

Two… X + X + Y = Raging monster woman.

Maybe Ann Coulter is not a miserable hussy. It is possible that she is not woman enough to be a hussy, nor man enough to be a sexual dynamo. In my studied opinion, she might have both male and female chromosomes. It is wholly possible that Ann Coulter is a horrifying amalgam of man and woman, capable of portraying either with ease. If it leaves its hair down, it is Ann. If it cuts its hair short, it is Andy.

Three…The lesbian liberal-killer strikes again.

The third and final possibility is that Ann Coulter is a lesbian. This means that she enjoys the sexual company of other woman, and that she has an irrational fear of razors and perfume. This would be a very reasonable explanation for why there is no Mr. Coulter to tell her to “shut the hell up, woman”. I cannot allow a woman-loving-woman to speak for me.

Prove me wrong, Ann Coulter.

There is a simple way for Ann Coulter to change my opinion of her. She needs to get married. I mean a real marriage, to a real man. She would have to live with him, sleep with him, take care of all his needs, and instantly obey his commands. She would also have to refrain from unhinging her lower jaw and devouring him in two or three bites. I will take back each and every one of my comments if Ann Coulter gets married and stays that way for life. Divorce would, of course, violate the law of God, and it would also serve to prove me right.

Until Ann Coulter gets married, I do not want to hear another syllable out of her. Once she is married, I will expect her husband to keep her silent. Is any man amongst us up to the task?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The GOP Has Been Infiltrated…By Satan!

by Herman B. Hayes

Something is wrong inside the Republican Party.

I am not referring to the fact that most Republicans are far too weak on the important issues of the day, such as men marrying men, or flag burning. These are issues that we know about, they are at the surface, and will be dealt with. No. There is something much more sinister afoot. We have a mystery, and I hate mysteries.

Our sacred symbol has been corrupted.

I love our symbol, the Republican Elephant. It does truly stand for our party. It has the power and the girth to flatten all opposition. It inspires me. Well, I should put that in the past tense. It did inspire me, until today. Our symbol has been wronged, and we need to set things right.

Satan has taken our elephant.

Look closely at our symbol. Notice the three stars? The five pointed star is associated with goodness and balance. It is even the same star that is found on our beloved American flag. Look at our symbol a little closer, though, and tell me what you see.

The stars are upside down!

You read it right. The stars on our symbol are upside down, with the single point at the bottom, and the footer points at the top. This is not the symbol for anything happy, cuddly, or warm. There are three of these upside down stars. These are the stars that represent the goat, which in-turn represents Satan. Symbologists (like that idiot Robert Langdon in “The DaVinci Code”) agree that the five pointed star, or pentagram, is an ancient symbol for the number “6”. Let me spell this out. Three pentagrams equal 666. This is the symbol for my arch-enemy, Satan, or his minion, the Anti-Christ. Why in the world would our symbol have the emblem of Satan on it?

Politicians don’t create symbols, but artists do.

Wow. Who would have thought that an artist would have the proverbial balls to do this? Not I, for certain. We may never know which crafty (read gay) little artist made our symbol a billboard for the devil. One thing is obvious, though. We need to bring these artists under control. I am sure you have all heard of “artist colonies”, right? I think it might be best if all artists went to colonies. Camps, if you prefer. That might be the best way to concentrate them all in one place. There is a term for that, camps that concentrate people, but it is escaping me at the moment.

I have an important request.

We need a straight, honest, Republican artist. No such person exists in the world today. I am requesting, readers, that you support me while I begin to study art. I am stronger in my politics, masculinity, and faith than any of you, but I would appreciate your support. With your help, someday, I might be able to turn these stars right side up. Until then, turn your Republican elephants upside down. It is better to look at an inverted pachyderm than it is to worship Satan by looking at our current symbol.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

If You Love Christ At All, Do Not Give Birth Today!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I hope I am not too late in issuing this warning. If you’ve already started experiencing the pangs of childbirth then please just wait a moment to read this before you go rushing off to the hospital. I have something very important to tell you. Today is just not a good day to give birth to your child, unless of course it is your intention to give birth to Satan’s son.

You may already be aware that today is June 6, 2006. What you may not know is that this date can also be written “6/6/06”, which if we completely ignore the zero, could be written as “6/6/6”. Still not following me? Well, maybe if I remove the slashes from this date you’ll see the significance…. 666. That’s right! We can manipulate today’s date so that it becomes the number of the beast!

For those among you who are not learned Biblical scholars like myself, allow me to point you to the relevant passage in the book of Revelations that explains the importance of this unholy number:
Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom: let anyone with the understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six.
Now many may find the Book of Revelation to be a confusing jumble of psychedelic and incomprehensible ramblings. I understand it perfectly. I seem to be one of the only ones with enough wisdom and understanding to calculate the number (“6/6/06” - “0” - “/”’ - “/” = “666”). And there is no ambiguity here for me, by the “number of his name,” they mean the "date of his birth". So clearly today is the day that the unholy one shall be born.

Some women have wisely decided (with their husband’s consent I hope) to induce their birth early when they were told that their due date might be today. Maybe you’re a pregnant woman reading this and wished you’d have had the foresight to do the same. It looks like you’re in quite a mess, but I shouldn’t need to remind you that you’re the parent here. Your child may wish to be born now, but you have to remain firm. Do not let this strong willed fetus dictate when he will be born. Hold that child inside of you until the clock strikes twelve so that you can be sure your little bundle of joy will be born horn-free.

Let some liberal give birth to the antichrist, they’re used to raising kids who hate God anyway.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Bill Frist, Defender of Marriage

by Herman B. Hayes

Why do the homos insist that they have the right to marriage?

Marriage is the union of a man and a woman. Marriage is not the union of two men, one of whom refers to himself as “Sally”. It has always been my belief that keeping the gays from wedding one another is one of the most important issues our country faces. For the longest time, however, most Republicans have not shared my fervor.

I thank God for Bill Frist every day.

Bill Frist knows that nothing is more important than keeping two men or two women from putting rings on each others fingers. We are a country built on morals. The homosexual community (no, I do not mean San Francisco) is a community built on evil. People claim that what homo-insurgents do in their own homes is their business. Wrong. The gays don’t become straight upon leaving their front doors. They march, they parade, they buy shoes, and they call everything “fabulous”. History shows that they make God angry, and furthermore they make me sick.

You had better stay healthy.

Bill Frist knows that having hundreds of thousands of new married couples would do untold damage to America’s health insurance companies. Think about this, reader: If the gays are awarded the right to marry, you will lose your health benefits. If you have a heart attack, and need medical care, you will die in the waiting room while two guys in leather comment on your shoes. The last thing you will hear before God takes you in his embrace will be “Eww. Those shoes are soooo last season. How could he wear those to die in?”

The Amendment

This amendment, blessed by God, simply reads: “Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman.” Amen, brother Frist, amen. We somehow lost the battle to keep inter-racial couples from marrying, and look how that turned out. We have the chance to make things better. You must follow the lead of the glorious Bill Frist. We can win this one, and make the world a better place for our straight children.

It is time we gave these gays a good Fristing.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Domestic Spying and Your Precious Civil Liberties

by Herman B. Hayes

Today we are the featured post on the notorious liberal blog “Bring It On!” You would think that they would be a little bit smarter than that. They came to us looking for the conservative viewpoint on the issue of domestic spying. We gave them what they asked for and more. Sometimes I think that these leftists are a bit too accepting. I call it wishy-washy. We have reprinted the post below, so that you do not need to expose yourself to the Demon-crats slanderous lies.

The Problem

By Michael Gregory Steele

The issue of domestic spying is certainly a contentious one. This whole debate began, of course, when it was revealed that President Bush obtained wiretaps without going through the normal legal channels. Thus the great debate of personal freedom vs. national security began. This idea of government surveillance reminds me of another three branch entity that constantly monitors those people it oversees -- the Holy Trinity.

Yes, God spies on each of his children every moment of every day and I'm pretty sure He didn't obtain a court order to do so. It seems that the Lord has very little respect for the laws of this country or the Constitution. Somebody call the ACLU! Whoops, it appears the ACLU is too busy attempting to legislate Jesus Christ out of existence. It looks like you're just going to have to stop complaining instead, you bunch of sniveling twits.

You liberals can look evil straight in its beady Muslim eye and yet do not have courage to sacrifice your “right to privacy” in order to defeat it. “Selfish” is the word that comes to mind, oh and also “moronic”. For you see, the problem is not eroding civil liberties or overextended presidential power. No, the problem is whiney liberals like you who stand in the way of us fighting this War on Terror.

The Solution

By Herman B. Hayes

God hears all prayers, but he asked for Bush’s help with phone calls.

I know what God wants, I know what Jesus likes. God likes me. Face it, you wishy-washy pseudo-commies, God is spying on you every day of your lives. Why then, are you all so opposed to our benevolent government making sure you are secure? I know that Democrats hate God and love Satan. It is just in your nature. That does not mean, however, that you need to expose the rest of us to terrorist attacks. You might be in a hurry to get to hell and see your good pal Satan, but I have a few more things to get done before I ascend to heaven.

Did you sue your mother when she tucked you in at night?

If you had asked the ACLU, I am sure they would have filed papers on your behalf. The ACLU lawsuit against our God-ordained government is ridiculous. What is wrong with a government looking in on the citizenry to make sure it is safe and sound? It is the duty of every American, and every American institution, to be open to domestic spying. We need to know who the terrorists are. I am calling for the disbandment of any organization that opposes domestic espionage.

I send tapes of my own phone conversations and copies of my emails to the White House every month.

Democrats do nothing to help our country. This needs to change. You need to be more proactive with defending our homeland. Your neighbor might be a terrorist, your child’s kindergarten teacher could be planning a hijacking. You should preemptively turn them in. You should provide the government with your emails, transcripts of your phone calls, and your internet browser history. You never know what personal information about you might help stop a terrorist attack.

You can help!

Men, you can help by paying attention to those around you in the workplace. Gary in accounting could be Al Qaeda. Are you gay? Make yourself useful, and attend homo-rallies and spy on your fellow sodomites. Are you a woman? Even you can serve a purpose other than taking care of your home and your husband! Just use your feminine wiles on men in the community, to see if they are clandestine jihadists. Turn them on, then turn them in, I always say. I know it is hard for you liberals to do, but you should at least try to help. Thank you for reading this, and you may begin to complain now.