Friday, June 23, 2006

Welcome To The Fold, Senator McCain

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know, I’ve noticed a real change in the senator from Arizona, John McCain lately. I have to say it’s a change I find refreshing from the man who once said this about evangelical leaders during his 2000 run for president:

They've led our party in the wrong direction.… The message of intolerance and exclusion rather than inclusion is directly in contradiction to the message that I've been trying to send around America... They will desert, I hope, the intolerant and wrong-headedness of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.
I wonder, Senator McCain, how did your strategy of asserting that the Religious Right is some sort of tumor on the Republican Party work out for you? Oh, you didn’t even make it out of the primary, did you? Well even a weak-kneed moderate like yourself is smart enough to now realize that we can be just as exclusionary and intolerant to Republicans who don’t share our views as we can be to homosexuals who try to corrupt our children.

Now, as campaigns for the 2008 presidential elections begin to heat up it seems that the McCain has changed his tune to something more pleasing to my Christian ears:
By accepting the invitation [to speak at Falwell’s evangelical Christian college] and showing newfound respect for Falwell, political analysts say, McCain is courting religious right voters with the goal of accomplishing in 2008 what he couldn't in 2000: win the Republican nomination for president.
What do you think, dear readers, has McCain finally accepted Jesus as his personal savior? Has he at last recognized the cracks in the foundation of the moral edifice in this country? You might think so, but let me explain to you how you’re once again wrong.

First, I should acknowledge the fact that John McCain is a hero. He has truly seen the horrors of war as a POW in Vietnam and for that I respect him. I, as a conservative, have nothing but good things to say about any man who has served his country in the military, be he Republican or even moderate Republican.

Given his experience with war, I think it's safe to say that McCain fears no man. Unfortunately this fearlessness also extends to God. He simply does not have a healthy fear of God to help inform his politics. McCain is a man without any sense of morality, and quite frankly is a man with no soul. But this empty vessel of a man can still prove quite useful to me and the rest of the social conservative movement.

You see, we’re all well aware of the fact that McCain does not share our values but we also know that he wants very badly to be president. To even stand a chance of making it this time, he’ll have to get the Jesus-friendly seal of approval. In order to get this, he’ll have to promise and deliver anything we ask him for.

We may even draft the executive order calling for the designation of homosexuals as enemy combatants in the war on Terror so that he can sign it immediately should he make it to the oval office. I have to admit though, that there is nothing greater then watching a former foe crawling on his belly pleading for my help. There is simply nothing sweeter than this.

So you may have been wondering what that absolutely fabulous scent Senator McCain has been wearing lately is called. It’s called political desperation. I personally think it suits him quite well, and I know the rest of the Religious Right movement find it absolutely intoxicating.


At June 23, 2006 4:35 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

You know that if Senator McCain has the good Rev. Falwell's blessing, Evangelical Jesus smiles upon him, and that's good enough for me.

At June 23, 2006 6:36 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kj: While I didn't want to get into this here, you've forced my hand. I have nothing against Falwell, he is a sainted man and a true mouthpiece of the Lord, but....

his time has passed.

It is now time for new leadership as Falwell and Robertson both age too much to be effective instruments of God. Look to the virile minds and bodies of Herman and myself to fill this void. I am not yet willing though to grace McCain with my Jesus smile.

At June 24, 2006 12:53 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

There is much speculation as to whether McCain was ever a prisoner of war or if he was AWOL after firing on innocent civilians. I don't know what the truth is in this matter, but I hope it is Swiftly resolved before the next presidential election.

At June 24, 2006 1:01 AM, Blogger Salmonella5000 said...

Michael Gregory Steele wrote of Senator McCain:

"He simply does not have a healthy fear of God to help inform his politics."

I agree with my whole soul. Some may think me insensitive to past history with respect to Senator McCain's sitting out the Vietnam War as a POW; nonetheless, I must remind the faltering souls among us that there was a time not so long ago when we, as Christians, could, with a wave of our hand (our collective hand, that is), crush an arrogant Senator McCain under a great, heavy wheel of righteousness! He may think he felt the tortures of hell while vacationing as a guest of the Viet Minh, but the Vietnamese have nothing on a Christian when that good Christian applies himself!

There was a time when his shrieks for God's mercy could've been heard throughout every sewage-filled dungeon in Spain! Yes, I suppose you could call it the Inquisition, but it was really so much more than that! Our policies and hard work back then certainly cultivated the Fear of God and nurtured it for all of His children.

Alas, were it only true today that we could bring the Fear of the Living God back into Senator McCain's life! Then perhaps he would be ready for the responsibility of leadership so urgently needed in our terror-filled country today.

At June 24, 2006 9:06 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: I'm not yet sure if I should lend credence to these rumors about McCain's service. If he returns to his old and evil moderate ways, then I'll be inclined to believe any former soldiers that may come out with such accusations of treason against him.

If on the other hand he can prove himself to be a true family values candidate then I will consider these rumors to be nothing more than vile slander.

At June 24, 2006 9:13 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

salmonella5000: McCain is truly an enigma. He seems to loves this country and has been willing to serve her honorably (unlike his "friend" in the Senate John Kerry.)

Despite his unquestionable patriotism, he seems to have an uneasy relationship with God. He may just be unaware of the fact that we are a Christian nation and loving this country means loving God by default. While I doubt he understands this now, he's at least going through the motions.

Now, let's force him to go through the motions of having some Christ friendly legislation passed.

At June 24, 2006 12:01 PM, Blogger ariadne said...


I agree on your Falwell stance. Anyone that corpulent is a terrible messenger of God, at least to anyone who remembers that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. McCain still retains his boyish figure, though you're right. He doesn't channel Jesus enough.

At June 24, 2006 2:45 PM, Anonymous Mrs. Emma Mcbrain said...

I'll reserve judgement on McCain until I hear/read Ann Coulter's opinion. Whatever she recommends,I'll just follow. I must admit,I'm not to fond of a man with the name Cain within his name. Although I do think of Minister Falwell as such a charming fellow. I'm so conflicted.

At June 24, 2006 9:14 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

I am saddened that you would have the effrontery to think that you know best when it is time Rev. Falwell to step down from his leadership in the battle for the hearts and minds of Americans, and then have the temerity to suggest that you and Herman would be worthy replacements.

Have you brandished the word of God like a weapon, destroying foes of politically conservative principles? Have you built fortress-like, church walls that protect the Christian faithful from attacks of liberals, especially godless homosexuals? Have you used fear of reprobates to raise money to support the cause of conservatism and liberty? Are you the chancellor of your own university with which you can continue the social war in which we are engaged by creating conservative, Christian soldiers for the next generation? Have you created a national ministry free of "easy believism" and that places purity of doctrine above all else?

Until God calls him home, you have much to do to make yourself worthy to replace God's faithful servant, Rev. Falwell.

At June 24, 2006 9:52 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

ariadne: Excellent point, Falwell is quite rotund. This point is so excellent in fact, that I'm convinced I have made this same point before but have merely forgotten making it. I'm only going to ask you once to stop taking credit for my wise observations.

mrs. emma mcbrain: Ann Coulter?! you must be kidding. Read this and tell me if you're still awaiting Ann's take on this.

After a comment like this, I think it's about time Herman and I talk very seriously about whether or not women should be allowed to post comments on this blog.

At June 24, 2006 9:59 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kj: Where do I even begin with you? I shouldn't need to remind you that Herman and I are the only true moral authorities on the internet and questioning us is absolutely unacceptable. I'm now inviting you to feel even more shame than you usually do as a morally upright Christian.

You see, the problem with Falwell is that he hasn't embraced new technologies like Herman and I have. Do you see Falwell blogging?

In fact we continue to push the envelope. Herman and I have started talking about recording audio of the two of us verbally accosting liberals on the street and offering it as a podcast.

At June 25, 2006 3:30 AM, Anonymous dances with beagles said...

Ann Coulter, man, she has breasts like a couple of pomegranates.

As far as McCain is concerned, Scripture is very clear on dealings with men of this nature: Beware of sheep in snakeskin, or something like that. They taste sweet in the mouth, but in the stomach they make you feel kind of ugghy. San Francisco Chronicles Ch.2 v. 4.

At June 25, 2006 8:12 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

MGS: I found myself yelling at a hippie in a beat up Honda the other day. I considered running him off the road with my Bentley, but I did not want to damage my paint.

At December 29, 2008 2:12 AM, Blogger sexy said...








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