by Herman B. HayesI may be in the oil industry, but I really am starting to love coal!
I was sitting at my desk this morning, watching the grimy workers below my observation window with my usual sense of disgust. How can people get so dirty, and yet not want to kill themselves? I understand that oil is on its way out. Eventually we will be able to kill every brown-skinned person who stands in the way of our precious fuel, but by then the reserves will be already dwindling.
Coal, it is so very clean and lustrous.
I agree with our dear and holy leader, George W. Bush. Coal is indeed the energy of the future in America, and I am still not sure why we ever got away from it in the first place. It is a clean burning fuel, with unlimited potential. I know, many of you are thinking about the days when you would run your fingers along the banister at your grandmother’s house. Remember how your hand came away black and filthy? That had nothing to do with her coal burning furnace, as you were told. That was just dust, because your grandma was a lazy old coot, and her “stories” were more important to her than proper cleaning.
Coal has almost no environmental impact.
Even using our present technologies, coal is entirely harmless when mined, stored, and burnt. Coal, unlike nuclear technologies, leaves behind no deadly waste, and does not add a single pound of carbons to our atmosphere. Anyone who tells you different is a liar, and probably a lazy, lazy liberal. The “clean coal” processes of the future will yield nothing but helpful byproducts. Clean coal will leave in its wake freshly planted meadows and forests, where once there was only land that had been stripped bare by some unknown force of nature.
Coal mining is one of the safest jobs in America, and you should be eager to be a miner.
Every day in America hundreds of thousands of miners go into the mines, and hundreds of thousands, give or take, come out. To the best of my knowledge, no American miner has died in recent memory. There is nothing dangerous about going one to three miles below the surface, using timbers and the Holy Hand of The Lord to secure your safe passage. Even if something terrible were to happen, it would all be for a good cause. America does not have any energy options that do not involve a risk to human life, and developing them would be too expensive.
The “peons to volts to dollars” ratio simply does not work out.
Sometimes people have to make sacrifices in order for other people to have a comfortable and carefree life. I am of a higher socio-economic class than most of my workers, and that means that my life is more important than theirs. If I were to go into a mine, and perish, my employees would lose their jobs, and their skill-less wives would starve or become ladies of the evening. If one of my peons were to die, though, only his wife would have to sell herself to eat. I am totally concerned with the greater good of mankind. So, to conclude:
Strap on your carbide lamps, America, before the lights of my mansion grow dim.