Friday, July 07, 2006

Want to Talk to God? You Have To Go Through Me.

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Do you long for the time when children were read the Bible in school everyday and America had a more righteous citizenry? Do you wish we were still in the days where adultery was a punishable offense and women couldn’t vote? Do you also wish you could turn the clock back to before you knew what a “butt plug” was?

Well, don’t just stand there child of God, take up arms and follow me, there’s no time to lose.

I realize that the idea of ceding to a central moral authority (or authorities in the case) seems positively Catholic but just hear me out. In times like these there really is no other option. If you want to affect real change in this country you have to stay organized, stay obedient, and stay on message. That simply doesn’t work if everyone is trying to talk to God directly without realizing that He won’t waste his time listening to the prayers of every Tom, Dick and Harry Homo.

You first need to prove yourself worthy in order to be heard by the Almighty. The only two people here who have done so and have the ear of God are Herman and myself. God may not be listening to you, but I’m listening, my unworthy friend, and I’ll make sure Jesus is made aware of anything that I deem pertinent.

Maybe some of you already turn to a moral leader like James Dobson for your ideas on politics, Biblical interpretation, and child rearing. While I have tremendous respect for Dr. Dobson, he’s simply a little too advanced in age to see this thing to its conclusion. It’s time to jump off the Dobson ship before it sinks and begin riding the new wave of Christian conservatism. The Lord may not have taken Dobson into his final embrace just yet but He has already picked spiritual successors – Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes.

This movement thrives on charismatic leaders like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. You people are fortunate enough to have two such leaders each with more than enough charisma to spare. We also have the wisdom and righteousness necessary to interpret the Bible correctly and allow it to inform our politics. From there we inform you of what your politics should be. And while it may be tempting to “cut out the middleman” and go to God yourself, He has no interest in being found by you directly.

To deny my moral authority or to deny Herman’s moral authority is to deny the authority of God. So put down your newspapers and books and pick up your Bible. I’m not asking you to read this Bible, mind you, but only to carry it with you. I’ll let you know if there’s anything you need to be made aware of within its pages.


At July 07, 2006 12:29 AM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I'm willing to trust you on the Bible, of course.

But what's a butt plug? I had constipation real bad one time and I think that's what the school nurse gave me. That was a long time ago, a more innocent time. Yeah, I'd like to go back there.ny

At July 07, 2006 7:27 AM, Blogger The Truffle said...

Hey dudes! You do know you're going to have to change your names to something more lofty, like Benedict or Urban or Boniface, right?

At July 07, 2006 8:26 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

blue gal: It is with heavy heart that I accept the responsibility for your immortal soul. As for your school nurse experience... well, there are some things that should remain in the past.

the truffle: Please, call me Mr. Steele.

I do not think Herman or I will be adopting the names of Catholic popes anytime soon. Anyway I just had a large order of business cards printed out and it would be highly inconvenient for me to change my name now.

At July 07, 2006 11:55 AM, Blogger FleshPresser said...

I humbly kneel before you and ask if you could pass my question along to God for me?

I need to know the date of the Second Coming. Recently, it appears that our world has gone in a direction from which it might not return, and there are many people beginning to quote passages from Revelations. I urgently desire to know when Jesus will walk this earth again.

I've got a guy who keeps pestering me to buy this timeshare in Lake Winapausaukee, and I think the kids would love it, but I need to know if we're going to have enough time to enjoy it.

At July 07, 2006 1:06 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

fleshpresser: While it's certainly true that the End Times are nigh, it's never a bad idea to invest in property. The market, like the Bible, is never wrong and the market is telling me that you should buy buy buy!

At July 07, 2006 2:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I discovered that a New Testament I pinched from a hotel room is just the right thickness to prop up a wobbly table that has one leg too short.

If I'm not allowed to read it, is it ok to use it for that purpose?

At July 07, 2006 8:08 PM, Anonymous dances with beagles said...

Thank God, er thank Mr. Steele and Mr. Hayes! I don't have to think or read any more, especially the Good Book! I always felt guilty talking directly to God anyway, because of a little problem I have with frequent nocturnal erections, but now I don't have to even do that! (talk to God, not the other thing). What if God was one of us? Just a blogger like one of us? With Mr. Steele and Mr. Hayes, it's true! However, you really need another partner to make it a trinity.

At July 07, 2006 9:29 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

And exactly what makes you think that your readers know what a butt plug is? Never mind. If it's not in the Bible, I'm not interested.

What movies does God want me to see this summer?

At July 08, 2006 12:14 AM, Anonymous William Buford Beauregard III said...

Well howdy gentleman... as a southern business tycoon, I never deal with the middleman. I prefer to negotiate my eternal salvation directly with the big guy himself, but I can see how you are performing a service for the poor unsaved masses. I am most assuredly able to broker a better afterlife deal for being such an upstanding American. I won't settle for the plain old heavenly package that lesser folk might get. That's not how I do business, not even with God. I deserve at least a penthouse and extra-long white stretch limo with steer horns on the front to make my way around heaven in.

Much like my slaves, I mean "employees," these common folk need strong moral types like us to constantly bark orders at them, or they end up just standing around wasting company time. If they didn't have enough good sense to grow up rich and upstanding like us, they *should* have to submit to your moral authority.

P.S. Are you going to be responsible for the salvation of all those China men too? I don't want them overcrowding my heaven, so please keep that in mind.

At July 08, 2006 1:21 AM, Anonymous Miss Buffy Knobbes said...

As a follower of God and his representatives,I kneel before you.

At July 08, 2006 1:27 AM, Anonymous A. Coulter said...

I know we've had our differences Mr Steele,but I'm not Godless. As a follower of God and those that represent him,I'm willing to kneel before you.

At July 08, 2006 10:03 AM, Blogger dusty said...

The bible makes a very good weapon when trying to smite those friggin liberals too.

At July 08, 2006 10:04 AM, Blogger dusty said...

Whoa..I just read A.Coulters comment..I think she is offering to give you a bj..but thats just my dirty mind working isn't it?

At July 08, 2006 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

No children! Do not be led astray by this false prophet.

Instead, come worship in the church of fab-u-lous-ness, Our Lady of the Discotheque. Our Sunday rave (service) starts whenever you've recovered from your hangover.

We homosexuals may not get into heaven, but we'll have a gay old time at the Red Party (aka hell).

See ya there! Don't forget to wear your Sunday bonnet (and cha-cha shorts).

At July 09, 2006 11:48 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: I'm not sure how you read my request to not read the Bible yourself as an invitation to disrespect it. So, the answer is NO!

dances with beagles: God and I are alike in the sense that neither of us want to hear about your "nocturnal erections." Keep this, along with the associated guilt to yourself.

At July 09, 2006 11:54 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kj: Excuse me? Do you often ask God such inane questions like "What movie should I see>" Do you also ask him what you should wear every morning? No wonder he stopped accepting prayers from people like you.

I do hear Superman isn't a bad movie though.

William Buford Beauregard III: Nice try, sir.

While your wealth will give you a little more wiggle room than most in following the teachings of Herman and myself, you still must listen and obey.

I am responsible for the salvation of only those in America, God's chosen country. My services do not extend past our borders.

At July 09, 2006 11:58 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

miss buffy knobbes: Remind me to buy some new rings for you and the rest of my followers to kiss.

a. Coulter: This is a small step toward making things right with the Lord. You should read my compatriot's post to determine what you should do next.

At July 09, 2006 12:01 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

dusty: I think a bar of soap would be a much more effective weapon against liberal.

Also, I did not read a. coulter's comment in that way. Try to resist letting your sexual imagination run away with you like this at the very mention of Coulter's name.

At July 09, 2006 12:10 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

Scott-O-Rama: My response to you will have to be brief as I just vomited all over my keyboard.

I think this is really a no brainer to anyone who's in the market for a spiritual leader. Although, your suggestion that your followers wear "cha-cha shorts" is a very practical one as they won't want to be wearing anything too warm while burning in Hell.

At July 09, 2006 1:58 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

You have recommended that i see Superman? But doesn't the portayal of a "deity" who was sent by his father, trivialize our faith in God's Son, JC? Besides, it was a trick question. What if Jesus returned while we were in a movie theater? Wouldn't we be tempting Him to leave us behind? I've read the "Left Behind" series, and I'd rather see those events in a movie and not in real life!

I'm beginning to suspect a false prophet! We are warned to look out for wolves in sheep's clothiing.

At July 09, 2006 2:40 PM, Blogger Salmonella5000 said...

You'll never find a liberal reading The Bible. Ask one to hold a Bible sometime! They won't be able to hold it for very long. Why? Because it literally burns their hands! I've personally witnessed this.

The coathanger-wielding tinfoil hats may think that this site is a joke, but Conservatives for American Values is not, repeat, not a joke. I'll be the first to sign up to help usher these liberal "I wish the bison still roamed the Great Plains, providing the Native Americans with a way of life" bloody coathanger moonbats all into the gas chamber where they belong, along with all of their newspapers.

God Bless Armerica.

At July 09, 2006 6:12 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kj: I'd like to congratulate for not being a liberal, yet still managing to earn my contempt. That's quite a feat.

What part of, "you question my authority, then you question the authority of God" did you not understand? If you wish to be a part of our family then I suggest you find a way to stiffle that nagging doubt you have about us. Consider this your last chance to be saved.

At July 09, 2006 6:13 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

Salmonella5000: A little off topic, but well said nonetheless. That "doubting Thomas" kj could learn a lot from you. Thanks for your impassioned words.

At July 09, 2006 7:43 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

I certainly did not mean to offend the creators of this website, and beg your forgiveness. Being a lone conservative voice in a liberal world is difficult, and I rely on this community community.

It's just that my conservative reflexes kick in when I detect creeping liberalism. Where does one draw the line? If it's okay to go to movies, what's next? Go to a dance? Drink alcohol? Act out on my same-gendered sexual attraction?

At July 09, 2006 8:13 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kj: You see, now you're all worked up. It doesn't have to be so difficult, friend.

Herman and I will do the work of drawing those lines for you. We'll tell you can do, and we'll also tell you what could lead to you eternal damnation.

On that note, given your obviously fragile mental condition I am no longer recommending that you see Superman. I believe watching this muscle bound man in spandex could cause some serious problems for your salvation.

At July 10, 2006 12:17 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

You realize, Mr. Steele, that if kj has to pass on Superman, he'll also have to swear off any Batman movies, yes?

At July 10, 2006 2:44 PM, Anonymous Miss Buffy Knobbes said...

Please pardon my lack of taste...If you will. But I feel compelled to post a comment to A. Coulter. Hey,you think perhaps you can convey your thoughts without using the exact same words as yours truly? Btw,I do know what a butt plug is.....And Im more than familiar with a monk....If ya get my drift.

At July 16, 2006 11:17 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

the truffle: Well I might have a solution to kj's problem. I've been talking with some investors about the idea of shooting my own movie of various Bible stories with me playing every single role. I'll let everyone know if that pans out.

miss buffy knobbes: I actually don't catch your drift nor do I want to.

At December 02, 2006 11:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always wondered since I was a child that if Jesus was as loving, forgiving, accepting and peace loving as he was why did his followers start the Crusades , killing innocent people, forcing them to convert or die, while Christ simply preached to those who chose to listen. Why did the Irish Catholics fight the protestants. Out of love? Why does the KKK kill anyone that doesn't fit into their image of a good Christian? They are still active today. By the way, I'm a liberal and I study the Bible. Your are delusional and need some healing. It hasn't burnt me once. Maybe it's your hatred that makes you think these things. "The last true Christian died on the cross".

At December 02, 2006 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you please tell me where it is in the bible that you must prove yourself worthy to be heard by God?? Did Christ die for us because we are worthy? We are as unworthy as dirty rags but saved by the blood of Christ.
Our christian leaders are just that, leaders. They lead us to God not talk to God for us. Our personal relationship with God Is not mediated by a third person.

At January 02, 2007 3:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

GOD We Need To Talk!
GOD knows my heart and me only too Seriously if GOD talks through you, than can answer the prayer that I cried out to the LORD my GOD. If you are truly of GOD...He will talk through you to me!He will reveal
what was,what is,and what is to be. You know what? Something dramatic is going to happen here. Don't let the name fool you you. It belongs to an online role playing game character.


At May 05, 2007 7:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok first off what makes you so high and mighty to say YOU know what God can spend his time doing? And secondly does it say in the Bible that God cannot waste his time with people with small worries. I believe if a sin is a sin, no matter how big or small then a prayer is a prayer. He sees raping someone and thinking of raping someone as the same thing.
And thirdly what does God do during throughout time? Do crossword puzzles? No. He is listening to prayers and to people in Heaven. What else is there to do? Heaven is perfect.

At May 05, 2007 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and to the one questioning Jesus on Dec 02 2006, The crusaders were confused. Yes they thought everyone should think like them. Not all christians are like that. I have a Jewish friend that I don't scorn every second, she believes what she believes I can't change that. I think it is a mistake not to believe in christ but she probably thinks it is a mistake to believe in christ.

At May 05, 2007 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And to William B. B. I think heaven is infinate in space and you should love all people. I believe loving all people is required to love God. And I think that loving people includes not wanting them to be tortured when Satan takes over the world. When I was little my bigger sister did not like me one bit. When i was a baby she would randomly kick me. When I was 12 she start to hit me alot when my dad would not let her go out. She took her frustration out on me. i still loved her. and still do. I couldn't hate someone no matter how hard I tried. Not osama bin laden and not "all those China men". I don't hate you either. I just disagree with you and I am VERY opinionated.

At May 05, 2007 7:41 PM, Anonymous Morgan said...

the top three anonymous's are my posts so to confront me use Morgan. Anyway as far as I know Israel is God's chosen country and wealth is nothing but a worldly thing and will not go up with you spiritually. Like a Brooks and Dunn song once said "I ain't never seen a hers with a luggage rack." So what wiggle room will money give you in heaven, I have to ask. Especially if they use no currency. Did God tell you, "You are worthy and I appoint you to be a prayer filter."?

At March 11, 2008 1:57 PM, Anonymous Isaac Dick said...

It's time for you guys to move on and not base ANY aspect of your gullable lives on a book that gets outsold by the Guinness Book of Records...

If God is so supreme, why can't he manage the whole world and not favour just one country...? Or isn't he into equality... ahem.

I'll tell you why, because there's slight restrictions on his 'powers' such as the little factor of his NON-EXISTENCE.

I'm an atheist, thank God. I'm my own God, so I've just thanked myself. I'm grateful too... grateful that my mind isn't corrupt from such total, utter tripe.

Where's Jesus? He's in Hell sitting on pineapples whilst Hitler gazes at his bleeding asshole as he eats popcorn. Don't worry, I know this, because it's written down... I just wrote it... and, oh my, my pen's ran out of ink, it's a sign... a sign that I need a new pen, nothing more... sheesh, chill out.

Good day!

At September 25, 2008 9:23 PM, Anonymous Randy said...

You can't be serious. This whole website absolutely Must be a joke.

"For there is one God, and one mediator also between God and men, the man Christ Jesus" (1 Tim 2:5)

At December 29, 2008 2:04 AM, Blogger sexy said...








At August 03, 2009 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...































Post a Comment

<< Home