Rush Limbaugh's Little Blue Nightmare

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I’m sure many of you have heard the seemingly disappointing news about Rush Limbaugh. For those of you who haven’t, here’s the “story” as the mainstream media is reporting it:

.. Limbaugh was detained Monday for more than three hours at Palm Beach International Airport, upon returning from some R&R in the Dominican Republic. Customs officials reportedly found a bottle of [Viagra] in his bag--but his name wasn't on the prescription

As you can imagine, liberals are having an absolute field day with this story. I just find it so fascinating that godless unbelievers would have the gall to cast judgment upon anyone, let alone a man as thoroughly righteous as Rush.

Yes, yes, I do realize that Rush has had problems with prescription pain killers. He’s admitted to this and has gotten the treatment he needed. While I’ve never had such a moral lapse, it seems that sometimes God’s children (read: Conservatives) are entitled to make mistakes. The difference between him and some strung out kid in the ghetto is this - Rush had a job that paid well. Jesus is more than willing to take you into his arms and forgive such indiscretion as long as you’re a contributing member of society. Otherwise, it’s just you and your crack pipe.

But, back to this Viagra story and the true explanation that the media just doesn’t seem to get. You see, Rush went to the Dominican Republic for one reason and one reason only… to prove his righteousness to himself and to all of us.

Rush obviously experienced a great deal of self-doubt after his bout with OxyContin addiction. “Am I still the morally upright person I proclaim to be?” “Can I still continue to cast stones even though I am no longer without sin?” He probably asked questions like these over and over again in his head. But ultimately he realized that too many people depend on him and that he needed to do something to rebuild his moral confidence.

Now, the best way that I know of to prove your righteousness is to put yourself in a situation where you are strongly tempted to sin so that you can resist this temptation. Rush Limbaugh clearly understands this and took his bottle of Viagra to a place known for its prostitutes and flourishing sex industry – the Dominican Republic.

I can picture Rush now, walking down those dusty streets with the bottle of Viagra in hand. He pops a few of those little blue pills into his mouth as he continues down this road and towards his ultimate redemption. He walks by a group of brown skinned temptresses who offer to fulfill any depraved sexual desire he might have. But he resists. Even though his member is fully engorged and throbbing he still resists.

Could you liberals honestly say that you would have as much moral fortitude as Mr. Limbaugh? Would your response be the same?

So before you cast moral judgment on this great man, ask yourself this: how many Dominican whores could you walk past with an erection before you gave in to your base carnal desires?

Welcome To The Fold, Senator McCain

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know, I’ve noticed a real change in the senator from Arizona, John McCain lately. I have to say it’s a change I find refreshing from the man who once said this about evangelical leaders during his 2000 run for president:

They've led our party in the wrong direction.… The message of intolerance and exclusion rather than inclusion is directly in contradiction to the message that I've been trying to send around America... They will desert, I hope, the intolerant and wrong-headedness of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.

I wonder, Senator McCain, how did your strategy of asserting that the Religious Right is some sort of tumor on the Republican Party work out for you? Oh, you didn’t even make it out of the primary, did you? Well even a weak-kneed moderate like yourself is smart enough to now realize that we can be just as exclusionary and intolerant to Republicans who don’t share our views as we can be to homosexuals who try to corrupt our children.

Now, as campaigns for the 2008 presidential elections begin to heat up it seems that the McCain has changed his tune to something more pleasing to my Christian ears:

By accepting the invitation [to speak at Falwell’s evangelical Christian college] and showing newfound respect for Falwell, political analysts say, McCain is courting religious right voters with the goal of accomplishing in 2008 what he couldn't in 2000: win the Republican nomination for president.

What do you think, dear readers, has McCain finally accepted Jesus as his personal savior? Has he at last recognized the cracks in the foundation of the moral edifice in this country? You might think so, but let me explain to you how you’re once again wrong.

First, I should acknowledge the fact that John McCain is a hero. He has truly seen the horrors of war as a POW in Vietnam and for that I respect him. I, as a conservative, have nothing but good things to say about any man who has served his country in the military, be he Republican or even moderate Republican.

Given his experience with war, I think it's safe to say that McCain fears no man. Unfortunately this fearlessness also extends to God. He simply does not have a healthy fear of God to help inform his politics. McCain is a man without any sense of morality, and quite frankly is a man with no soul. But this empty vessel of a man can still prove quite useful to me and the rest of the social conservative movement.

You see, we’re all well aware of the fact that McCain does not share our values but we also know that he wants very badly to be president. To even stand a chance of making it this time, he’ll have to get the Jesus-friendly seal of approval. In order to get this, he’ll have to promise and deliver anything we ask him for.

We may even draft the executive order calling for the designation of homosexuals as enemy combatants in the war on Terror so that he can sign it immediately should he make it to the oval office. I have to admit though, that there is nothing greater then watching a former foe crawling on his belly pleading for my help. There is simply nothing sweeter than this.

So you may have been wondering what that absolutely fabulous scent Senator McCain has been wearing lately is called. It’s called political desperation. I personally think it suits him quite well, and I know the rest of the Religious Right movement find it absolutely intoxicating.

The Meek Shall Inherit My Tax Burden

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You know, the more I think about how much of my hard earned money goes to pay for social programs to benefit jobless liberals the angrier I become. I do not work hard making money so that it can be taken from me by Uncle Sam and used to feed those who are too stupid and lazy to feed themselves.

Why should I even have to pay any taxes at all?

You see, taxation is, and always has been, a form of punishment. You force people to pay money to deter them from committing a certain act. You are fined for speeding or littering so that you will think twice before doing either of these things again. Since when did being financially successfully and having more than enough money to sustain yourself become a crime?

Just think if the rules of the road worked like our current inequitable tax system does:

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
You: No, sir, I honestly don’t know why. I was going the speed limit and I’ve always been a careful driver.
Officer: Well, I saw you come to a complete stop at that stop sign back there and you even signaled before you turned, so I’m going to have to give you a ticket and a fine.
You: But I don’t understand...
Officer: Well it’s simple, we’re going to take the two hundred dollars we get from you and give it to a driver who just ran a red light and plowed down three pedestrians walking on the sidewalk so that he can get a more powerful engine put in his car.

Does this scenario seem at all fair to you? If it doesn’t then that means you’re sick of this progressive tax system we are currently stuck with. If it does then it means you’re an idiot.

The simple fact of the matter is that if you bring home anything less than $100,000/year, then you cannot honestly say that you’ve worked as hard as you could have. It’s people like this that need a firm reminder that they will get nowhere in this country without a good strong work ethic. Taxes should serve to motivate those less industrious people to put in those extra weekend shifts at Burger King if they hope to have enough to pay both their tax bill and rent come April. I obviously don’t need such a reminder and therefore should not have to pay a single cent in taxes!

Bottom line, the wealthy should not have to pay taxes just because they have more than enough money to meet their basic needs. I’ve heard people say that taxes are the price you pay for living in a country that actually allows you to acquire so much wealth. It’s supposedly giving back to a country that has given you so much. To this I say that I’ve already contributed more than enough to this country by actually working to my potential and fulfilling the American dream.

Why Censorship Is So Important

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You may have noticed that we have started moderating all comments on this blog. In the past couple days we have received comments that we didn’t like from people whose views do not mesh with the overall mission of Conservatives for American Values. Those fools have now been silenced.

I don’t think we need to justify this decision to anyone, but I would like to give my readers a taste of the type of comments that have polluted this blog (their names have been changed for their own protection):

firearmz said: You are not Christians, I am a Christian. You will go to hell, I will not go to hell. You are bad, I am good.

This is probably the most absurd thing I have ever read. I’m not a Christian? I am the measure by which all other Christians should be judged. You claim to be a Christian, yet you do not believe fully in the principles of conservatism that Jesus teaches. Me go to hell? Not unless God wants to send me down there to help torture all the liberals that have ended up there.

the inebriated Japanese warrior said: You guys are insane. I am a conservative and you’re making all of us look bad.

Yes, I make all of you look bad but only by comparison. I am an unabashed conservative, untainted by the disease of moderateness. You, on the other hand, are a weak-kneed coward who is afraid to stand up for the true principles of the Republican Party. I do shame you, but only because you’re a pale imitation of a conservative.

Another issue with allowing comments to be posted without our approval is that a comment can remain up for hours without Herman or I having the chance to address it. This gives liberals an opportunity to present subversive or depraved ideas such as the ones presented above before we can rhetorically rip them to shreds. This puts our readers at risk of succumbing to the twisted ideology of liberalism. I cannot let that stand!

You may disagree with our decision, but luckily for those true conservatives who understand the importance of censorship, we won’t have to read your idiotic complaints about it anymore.

My Two Part Plan for Bettering America

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It’s not always enough to just talk about liberals and the problems they create – sometimes we need a clear plan to deal with these societal problems head-on. Therefore, I humbly submit a two part plan that I know can help change America for the better.

1. Immediately deport all “illegal immigrants”
This part is simple; we need to introduce legislation that would deport all illegal immigrants in this country back to Mexico (regardless of their country of origin). Amnesty is not an option here. These people broke the law in coming to this country and that makes them criminals. I say anything less than a savage beating followed by deportation is a sign of weakness.

2. Redefine the definition of “illegal immigrant”
Mexicans are trying to change every word in the English language to its Spanish equivalent while at the same time homosexuals try to redefine the very definition of marriage. It’s time we end this “war on words” and take back the English language and our country!

With our no nonsense deportation policy in place, the second step of my plan is to introduce a bill that expands the definition of who should be considered an illegal immigrant to include:

• Anyone who speaks Spanish fluently
• Homosexuals
• Non Christians

In doing this we ensure that America is cleansed of its less desirable citizens and is that much closer to the Christian utopia we all pray so loudly for. Please, if you are reading this, call your Senators and tell them “No amnesty for immigrants, homosexuals, or Spanish speakers.”

If You Love Christ At All, Do Not Give Birth Today!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I hope I am not too late in issuing this warning. If you’ve already started experiencing the pangs of childbirth then please just wait a moment to read this before you go rushing off to the hospital. I have something very important to tell you. Today is just not a good day to give birth to your child, unless of course it is your intention to give birth to Satan’s son.

You may already be aware that today is June 6, 2006. What you may not know is that this date can also be written “6/6/06”, which if we completely ignore the zero, could be written as “6/6/6”. Still not following me? Well, maybe if I remove the slashes from this date you’ll see the significance…. 666. That’s right! We can manipulate today’s date so that it becomes the number of the beast!

For those among you who are not learned Biblical scholars like myself, allow me to point you to the relevant passage in the book of Revelations that explains the importance of this unholy number:

Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom: let anyone with the understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six.

Now many may find the Book of Revelation to be a confusing jumble of psychedelic and incomprehensible ramblings. I understand it perfectly. I seem to be one of the only ones with enough wisdom and understanding to calculate the number (“6/6/06” - “0” - “/”’ - “/” = “666”). And there is no ambiguity here for me, by the “number of his name,” they mean the "date of his birth". So clearly today is the day that the unholy one shall be born.

Some women have wisely decided (with their husband’s consent I hope) to induce their birth early when they were told that their due date might be today. Maybe you’re a pregnant woman reading this and wished you’d have had the foresight to do the same. It looks like you’re in quite a mess, but I shouldn’t need to remind you that you’re the parent here. Your child may wish to be born now, but you have to remain firm. Do not let this strong willed fetus dictate when he will be born. Hold that child inside of you until the clock strikes twelve so that you can be sure your little bundle of joy will be born horn-free.

Let some liberal give birth to the antichrist, they’re used to raising kids who hate God anyway.