by Herman B. Hayes
I have returned!
God has seen fit to return me to you, dear readers. You should bow down and pray, now, before continuing to read. You need to thank Christ for returning me, your moral beacon, to you.
I have been on a missionary trip to the backwards state of Vermont.
Ahhh...Vermont. Such splendor, such natural beauty. Such a Den of Dissent! Vermont is to America what Chechnya is to Russia. The problem, you ask?Hippies.
Love, peace, and treason! I am not simply referring to the hippies themselves. I am referring to the entire population of the state of Vermont. How can you allow these vile creatures to live among you? I am not simply referring to the fact that having hippies living among you is unhygienic. Although, I would rather live with rats and cockroaches, at least they don't vote Democrat or try to sway my faith in our Two True Leaders, President Bush and Our Lord Jesus Christ In Heaven. Back to my train of thought. You, the non-hippie population of Vermont, are harboring terrorists! This brings me to my major point:Hippies are terrorists.
Ask yourself what a terrorist does. They cause fear, panic, and loss. They attempt to cause people to change what they believe by use of force and intimidation. Let us take a closer look:
Allow us to start with "fear". I am not too proud to admit that I am made uneasy when I am in the presence of the Hippies. I do know, however, that I walk hand in hand with our Lord. I am rendered invulnerable by his sandal clad presence. The common man, while protected by Jesus, is not as protected as I. He watches all of us, but he only walks with me. Imagine yourself in beautiful Vermont. Hiking through the mountains with your family. Suddenly, the Hippie Army appears from the forest! Instantly you are rendered moronic and slow by the lingering gases of the evil marijuana they have recently smoked. You struggle to stop the horror as your wife and daughters are made to engage in free love. You wake up alone. Cold. Terrified. Terrorized.
Next comes panic. Let us look at groups that have, in the past, caused panic. The Vikings. The Huns. The Hordes of the Khans. Where do hippies live? In communes, dear reader. Communes. Communists. War. Nuclear war. The end of the world. Panic. Panic. Panic. Hippies will bring about nuclear conflict, and the end of the world. Peace and love? I think not!
Loss. Imagine the following scene. You are sitting at the breakfast table with your loving and subservient wife and your All Star Highschool quarterback son. You are waiting for your doting daughter, who has recently turned fourteen. She comes down the stairs. You look up from your Wall Street Journal to greet her. Your eyes widen in horror. You retch into your Cream of Wheat. Your daughter is wearing a hemp necklace, and her hair is in dreadlocks. Have you ever seen a zombie movie? The concept is the same, your daughter is lost forever.
You are asking yourself how hippies can use force, since they endlessly prattle on about peace and love. Force is not always a physical thing, folks. They surround you. They all talk at once. "Dude, the earth is love, man." That sort of verbal feces. I have gone into their camps. I have preached the word of the Lord Our Most Holy and exalted Ruler and Father Of Life, and I have preached the Holy writ of our President, the Most Honorable and Intelligent and Well Spoken President Bush our Lord of the Executive Branch. I try to remember these words while I am amongst them: The Lord leadeth me beside still waters. My washcloth and razor comfort me. Though I walk through the Commune of the Hippies, I shall not fear.
Intimidation. Really people, if you have not got the point by now, I am afraid that I do not have the time to continue to explain. You are either a liberal or an idiot, and probably both.
I just have a quick comment in regard to Mr. Steele's comments on evolution. If you do not believe that the world was created in seven days by the Lord our Precious and Holy Christian God, you deserve to spontaneously catch fire where you stand. I can only hope that no God Fearing Christians are scorched in the process.
I am tired, and I need to wash myself with bleach. I will write again soon, readers. You are blessed that I have returned!