Sunday, May 29, 2005

Danica Patrick: Enemy of God

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I spent today doing what every other common man in this country did, I watched the Indianapolis 500.

This is normally a very happy occasion for me, but my experience was spoiled by one particular "driver." Her name is Danica Patrick. The very presence of a woman in this most sacred of sports fills me with an indescribable rage. I wanted to vomit, but I was too busy screaming at my television.

And on the 7th day, he rests.

God was clearly resting on this day; otherwise Danica would not have been allowed to lead the pack at any point.

She even looked as though she might win this race at one point, during which I expected fire to begin raining from the sky. She instead finished in 4th place.

Danica's performance today can't have anything to do with her ability, because as we all know women simply do not know how to drive. I agree with racer Robby Gordon's take on this:
"The lighter the car, the faster it goes. Do the math. Put her in the car at her weight, then put me or Tony Stewart in the car at 200 pounds and our car is at least 100 pounds heavier."
He also said that he refused to race her so long as nothing was done to correct this problem. I couldn't agree with him more, although I'd take it one step further. Women shouldn't be allowed to drive at all. Period.

Thankfully it was Dan Wheldon who took that traditional drink of milk in the Indy 500 winner's circle. Perhaps Danica should start working on her baking so she can provide cookies to the future Indy 500 winners. Cookies go great with milk, and baking is something that women are actually supposed to do.

Hang up that helmet and put on an apron, Danica, lest you make Michael Gregory Steele even angrier.

14 Comments:

At May 29, 2005 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wake up! You're living in the Stone Age. We live in the post-WW2 era where women have proven to be useful in the work force and that includes driving! Jessica Lynch was a brave private who almost died fighting for our country. If she can be captured for our country, then she can work for our country.

 
At June 02, 2005 2:02 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

As long as she didn't drive a car at any point, that's fine by me.

 
At December 02, 2006 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ASSHOLE, YOU ARE JUST PISSED BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY!! MOST WOMEN ARE BETTER DRIVERS THEN MEN, WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN MEN OVERALL, DICKFACE, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!

 
At February 16, 2007 11:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're an ass. she's an awesome driver, so let her do it. just cause she's a woman doesn't mean a thing. you're a fucking ass for even suggesting she not, or any woman, drive. you are obviously a pompous bastard, not to mention sexist.

 
At May 19, 2007 10:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even though I'm not the biggest Danica fan in the world, I think you're pretty psycho. You have no place to judge ANYONE, and neither do I. Go to hell. Oh by the way, the 16th century called, they want their village idiot back.

 
At May 26, 2007 12:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so you're the "moral" leader? People like you make me sick.

 
At June 04, 2007 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AS a 16-year old racing fan. I enjoy watching Danica fan. Not just because she looks good, she can actually drive a fucking car. She competes week in and week out with Wheldon, Castroneves, and Kanann.

And as for you. You are an ignorant slug that even you all-knowing "god" loathes. God likes the good people on this planet. So take your conservative and suck President Dildo's Dick.

 
At October 27, 2007 11:03 PM, Anonymous Ken Loomis said...

I'm a conservative, I don't believe in global warming, I agree with the reasons we went to war, and frankly this article sickens even me. I can't believe in this day and age that there are still Conservatives that are sexists. you are not the Moral leader I don't care what anybody says. You've succeeded in the shock and awe, I'm both shocked that you said this and in awe of your stupidity.

 
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