I Spy a Terrorist Hiding Behind The Constitution

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I'm starting to get really tired of people overreacting to the current domestic spying situation. Yes, the President of the United States obtained wiretaps on several Americans without going through the normal legal channels. He's admitted to doing this, so what exactly is the problem? Our president is spying on terrorists and keeping America safe, not murdering puppies. Let's get some perspective here people.

The only people who would object to being spied on are those with something to hide. Do you have something to hide? Are you a terrorist hiding behind the so-called "right to privacy" in the United States Constitution? If so then I'm not really concerned that you might have to look over your shoulder wondering if "Big Brother" is watching. If you're a terrorist then anything more than the rights that would be afforded to you in a Gitmo jail cell is too generous.

It's not just the bad guys who should be watched though, because even upstanding citizens like me can benefit from a little government supervision. It's a simple fact that when you're being monitored you're more likely to follow the rules. Law abiding people like myself have nothing to fear from a little government surveillence and we should welcome it. When you know you're being watched, you're less likely to do something that could harm yourself or your country.

Take my family for example. What would happen if I decided my wife Carol should have a bit more privacy? If she wasn't under my constant watchful eye, there's no telling what sort of trouble she could get herself into. Or how about my son, Michael Jr.? Just imagine the kind of depraved things he would do alone in the bathroom if he didn't know I was there with my ear pressed to the door. I won't apologize for thinking my son's "right to privacy" is less important than fighting the evils of self-abuse. Any responsible parent will agree.

And so it is the same for our country. President Bush is simply a concerned father keeping an eye on terrorists and also making sure that the rest of his citizens don't do something wrong. Look, you can say that you believe in protecting civil liberties and other such nonesense but I know what you mean. You see, I've cracked Al Queda's secret code on this one, "I don't approve of President Bush spying on Americans" translates directly to "As soon as nobody's looking, I'll commit a heinous act in the name of Allah."