Friday, June 09, 2006

Ann Coulter Killed and Ate Donna Reed

by Herman B. Hayes

Don’t act so surprised.

Ann Coulter has overstepped her bounds for the last time. I cannot let a woman be the mouthpiece of the neo-cons. I especially cannot let that woman be Ann Coulter. Have any of you noticed that she is a Howard Dean style nutcase?

Women should be seen, not heard.

I do not need to share Ann Coulter’s most recent foot-in-mouth comment with you. I am sure you have seen all the crying liberals spread all over each and every news channel. I disagree with what Annie said, and I do not think it is right for her to attack widows. One reason for that comes to mind instantly:

Anne Coulter will never be a widow.

Ann Coulter is not a married woman. I can only assume that she has left a trail of jilted, and possibly maimed, lovers in her wake. We cannot have a wanton woman claiming to speak for us! This is insane! Any woman of her age that has never been married is one of three things. I will lay them out for you, of course.

One…Beware loose women.

It is very possible that Ann Coulter is not married because she is having her desires met in another fashion. I can only surmise that this means sex with men who are not her husband. This should still be a stone-able offense, in my eyes. I think it is rather unbecoming that the writer of “Godless” could be a raging harlot.

Two… X + X + Y = Raging monster woman.

Maybe Ann Coulter is not a miserable hussy. It is possible that she is not woman enough to be a hussy, nor man enough to be a sexual dynamo. In my studied opinion, she might have both male and female chromosomes. It is wholly possible that Ann Coulter is a horrifying amalgam of man and woman, capable of portraying either with ease. If it leaves its hair down, it is Ann. If it cuts its hair short, it is Andy.

Three…The lesbian liberal-killer strikes again.

The third and final possibility is that Ann Coulter is a lesbian. This means that she enjoys the sexual company of other woman, and that she has an irrational fear of razors and perfume. This would be a very reasonable explanation for why there is no Mr. Coulter to tell her to “shut the hell up, woman”. I cannot allow a woman-loving-woman to speak for me.

Prove me wrong, Ann Coulter.

There is a simple way for Ann Coulter to change my opinion of her. She needs to get married. I mean a real marriage, to a real man. She would have to live with him, sleep with him, take care of all his needs, and instantly obey his commands. She would also have to refrain from unhinging her lower jaw and devouring him in two or three bites. I will take back each and every one of my comments if Ann Coulter gets married and stays that way for life. Divorce would, of course, violate the law of God, and it would also serve to prove me right.

Until Ann Coulter gets married, I do not want to hear another syllable out of her. Once she is married, I will expect her husband to keep her silent. Is any man amongst us up to the task?


At June 09, 2006 11:44 PM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

Thank you for rightly pointing this out.

How can ANY of us trust anything this woman says, when she has failed to do what God sent her to live on Earth to do?

Harlot or spinster-either way, she's a failure. She should do what the other failures have traditioally done, and retreat o an apartment full of cats.

At June 10, 2006 12:43 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

A small apartment with rabid cats, and no doors. Or windows, for that matter.

At June 10, 2006 1:21 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

You've done it again. I didn't see the truth and it was right in front of me. I can't believe I've kept a picture of this woman in my wallet and all the while she was probably coveting other women.

You know what my problem is? I'm just too nice of a person to see the poor qualities in other people.

Let's face it. Coulter is not getting married any more than I'm getting divorced from my she-beast adulteress wife. It's too bad I didn't save my precious flower for Ms. Coulter. I could have converted her and saved her from becoming just another abomination screaming in agony from Beelzebub's torment.

At June 10, 2006 11:11 AM, Blogger Chicken Little said...

There is no mystery why Ann has not married and cannot bear little Christian soldiers. I have posted a photo of her diseased lady parts over at science blog

At June 10, 2006 5:21 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

I am glad you all see it my way. What wise people you must be.

At June 10, 2006 8:24 PM, Blogger Salmonella5000 said...

Thanks for exposing the skeletal Ann Coulter for what she really is! A lesbian with the neurotic female species's requisite alternative to Christianity: an eating-disorder!

At June 10, 2006 8:32 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

salmonella5000: Personally, I think if Ann Coulter continues eating, that would be a disorder. A slow painful starvation for her would just be the natural order of things.

At June 10, 2006 8:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

Salmonella5000: Whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a minute. I think you're missing Herman's point here.

Ensuring that you look good and being a Christian are certainly not mutually exclusive.

In fact it's any Christian wife's duty to ensure she remains attractive for her husband. And in turn it's the husband's duty to make sure his wife doesn't speak her mind too much and begin to spout garbage like Anne does.

At June 11, 2006 12:03 AM, Blogger Salmonella5000 said...

All of you are a breath of fresh air in this shadowy world of depravity with its foetid apartments full of vile bestsellers, depraved cats and tattooed women with vile, infected piercings who talk too much.

At June 11, 2006 1:06 AM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

My "husband" wants me to tell you that CFAV is better than ever. If anyone can wake up America, it is you. Thank you from the bottom of my husband's

At June 11, 2006 7:43 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

salmonella5000: Thank you. I am sure we can find a way to fence those apartments off.

blue gal: Please tell your "husband" thank you from us. We really appreciate "his" kind words, and we are happy to be back.

At June 12, 2006 1:13 AM, Blogger Devil's Advocate said...

Ann Coulter couldn't handle me as her husband. I would keep her locked in a basement where she would do nothing but gestate my countless Larva onto the Earth. Her refusal to abide would result in her immediate beating, accompanied by recitations of biblical scripture that justify my treatment of her.

At June 12, 2006 10:16 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

devil's advocate: The name of the blog is "Conservatives for American Values" not "Absolute Nutcases Who Think They Are Insects for American Values, or Something". Also, I do not advocate violence against women. I prefer the tried and true method of gaslighting them into submission.

At July 03, 2006 12:47 PM, Blogger mike westman said...

Totally frustrated closet shemale without the guts to confront reality

At July 06, 2006 3:00 PM, Anonymous A REAL Christian said...

Your kind of Christianity is an abomination!

At July 06, 2006 4:18 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

a real christian: Thank you for that original comment. I am so glad you took the time to frame your argument in such a well-defined manner. Congratulations.

At December 23, 2006 9:28 AM, Blogger Laura Tobin said...

Ann Coulter will never marry. The woman, whatever else she may be, is a narcissist. Ann Coulter loves Ann Coulter, and only Ann Coulter. To love someone else implies giving and self-sacrifice that she is incapable of. Marriage? Doomed to failure. Children? Perish the thought. She'd never let children ruin her figure-assuming that anything could survive that icy womb in the first place.

At March 04, 2007 9:57 AM, Anonymous A real razor-using, perfume-wearing lesbian said...

Dear Conservative Christians,

Believe me, you WANT Ann Coulter to be a lesbian. Gay women would flock back to cock in disgust.

Reparative therapy is soooooooo last season.

Right, I'll be off to carry on being a general abomination to the Lord.

A splendid day to you all!

At May 14, 2007 9:00 PM, Anonymous dana said...

this site is a joke. just ingore them

At December 15, 2007 12:29 AM, Anonymous You people are losers said...

Herman B. Hayes...I'll bet you do Ted Haggert in the arse you sick pseudo Christian wanna be loser. You people aren't Christians or Conservatives, you're a bunch of fakes and puppets of satan. Ann Coulter is a bitch, but real Christians as you say you are wouldn't judge her or anyone else. Enjoy the broiler you fakes...

At November 25, 2008 5:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You people are totally whacked out.

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At September 04, 2010 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool, down that long neck Ann Coulter sports


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