Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Lord Redelivers Me Unto You

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Where have I been for the last couple months?

What could possibly distract me from my mission of providing the spiritual education needed by you, my unenlightened brethren? What is so important that it could justify me abandoning all of you when your need for a regular dose of righteousness is so great? One word: family.

If there’s one thing you can manage to learn from our teachings, it should be this: nothing is more important than family or the conservative principles needed to keep a family from falling apart. It’s just been more important for me to be a good father to my son Joseph than to try and drill the truth into your heads.

But why did Joseph require so much time of my time?

Well, perhaps I need to start at the beginning. You see, ever since he’s been very young, I’ve known that Joseph is …well… different. They say the apple never falls far from the tree, but that’s not always the case. I’m ashamed to admit that this particular apple is far fruiter than the tree and even most other apples.

I would often play catch with my son and cringe as he pranced around the yard after letting the baseball slip through his fingers. His athletic ineptitude spoke to my greatest fear. But I, being the incredible father I am, didn’t let this concern me. "He just needs to spend some time with his dear old dad," I told myself. Plenty of games of catch and daily showers with his dad (as Dr. James Dobson recommends) should have been enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t. I discovered in January that my son had tried out for the school play, and it was a musical no less. I was devastated.

I of course blamed myself, as any good father would. But my response to this catastrophe shows that I’m more than just a good father, I’m a great one.

From that day on, I spent every evening after work playing football with my son. I even used up some of my vacation time so that I could devote the extra time to him. This went beyond our usual games of catch as the situation was dire and required more than just a simple throw of the ball. No, for months my boy trained, and he trained hard. He ran countless drills, carried buckets of water and he of course showered with me daily to assure his straightness.

I’m now proud to say that my boy is completely cured and can throw a perfect spiral. I now see that the Lord chose to make my son this way as a test. And as with all of the tests the Lord gives me, I passed this one with flying colors. So now that I have finished proving to God that I am a superior father, I too have chosen to once again share my wisdom with all of you.

Conservatives for American Values has returned!

12 Comments:

At May 25, 2006 5:41 AM, Blogger Tom Harper said...

A musical! My God, you sure had your work cut out for you. Congratulations on your excellent training program for bringing your boy back to God, decency and the straight life. Now, for the final and most important test: how much can he bench press? If the answer is less than 500 pounds, well, we need to be brutally honest here -- you may have some more training to do. Godspeed!

 
At May 25, 2006 8:10 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

tom harper: While my son is not yet strong enough to leg press 2,000 pounds like Pat Robertson, he's certainly strong enough to get any impure thoughts he might have into a headlock and squeeze the life out of them -- that's the kind of strength that really matters.

 
At May 25, 2006 7:48 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I am so glad you nipped that in the bud. We all know right after musicals comes the copulation our Senator Santorum dares not speak the name of. Oh, wait, he did, didn't he. Well, I won't.

Welcome back. So grateful our time in the wilderness did not last forty years this time. But we would have waited, you know.

 
At May 25, 2006 9:12 PM, Blogger WichitaJack said...

Welcome back MGS!

Your message is truly inspiring. The fact that you were able to guide your son away from such a horrid, hell-bound path is a testament to you, to the teachings of the great Dr. Dobson, and to God.

Not only are you back, but you are more righteous then ever!

 
At May 25, 2006 10:10 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

blue gal: I appreciate the sentiment, and it is certainly good to be back. Your statement about Senator Santorum though leaves me a bit bewildered.

I guess this is the price I pay for allowing women, irrational creatures that they are, to comment here. Wait, when did we make the decision to allow women to comment here?

 
At May 25, 2006 10:18 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

WichitaJack: I am merely an instrument of God's will. I certainly wasn't one to argue with the Almighty when He chose to make me more righteous than I was before.

I will need all the righteousness that I can muster as I continue to preach to those who are not yet worthy to hear my words.

 
At May 25, 2006 11:04 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

I prayed for both Herman and your return and God has answered. Praise Jesus! My moral compass broke in your absence, but I made sure to keep walking in the straightest of lines to assure I kept to the Holy path.

I too am relieved that you have administered the Lord's vaccine of manhood to your son. Blue Gal is right, "alternative" entertainment only leads to acts we will never speak of, including bestiality, that is the cause of the sodomites suffering.

God bless the both of you.

 
At May 25, 2006 11:53 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I'm sorry Kirk, I'm confused. MGS may be right, maybe this is not the place for a woman, but I'll pray my way through this, God knows I do that often enough!

Is the article saying that monkeys have unprotected anal sex? Is that how AIDS started?

I never thought I would ever be able to say, let alone type, those two words, especially here. God works in mysterious ways.

And what does collecting ape feces have to do with science?

Nevermind, Kirk. Science makes me physically ill. I'm going to go study scripture now, like I should have from the beginning. My apologies, Mr. Steele, though since I think of you as my special pastor friend, I know I can say ANYTHING to you and you will love, forgive, and be worthy of my unending trust.

 
At May 26, 2006 12:33 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Blue Gal: The fact that science makes you ill proves that you have learned from Michael and Herman's teachings and God has touched your life. Do not question the logic behind the damnation, just believe in the damnation. That is the only way you will be saved and bask in the glory that is our Lord.

 
At May 28, 2006 7:58 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

blue gal: I'm amazed you were able to write such a cogent comment, being a woman and all. Allow me to explain the moral implications of what Kirk is saying here.

Yes, AIDs started with monkeys. It was then passed on to the godless evolutionists who studied these diseased simians. From there these wicked (and obviously homosexual) scientists went on to infect the rest of the gay community.

Straight people contracting this disease only clouds God's original message: Being a homosexual and believing in evolution angers the Lord.

I hope that clears things up for you

 
At May 28, 2006 8:06 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: You bring up an excellent point. It is not for anyone here to question the actions of the Lord.

Remember, if something bad happens in your life, don't question it. Just take it as a sign that you're doing something wrong and angering God in some way.

 
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