Moral Mailbox: Do You Lack Passion In the Bedroom?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Last night I sat down at my computer and combed through the hundreds of emails I received in my absence. I figured in this case, that the law of large numbers would dictate at least one of these emails would contain an intelligent question. It seems that math, like science, has failed me again.

I didn’t receive one single email that either didn’t contain a question that was too idiotically worded to answer or whose answer was so blindingly obvious that it would be a complete waste of my time to respond to it. I clearly have asked too much from my readers in requesting that they string together a few words to form a coherent question.

One email, while not a moral query, did grab my attention and was sent to me by “Chad”:

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time... The most simple way is to visit our site, order the medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!

While I appreciate your concern, Chad, I actually do not have erectile dysfunction and am very capable of “satisfying my woman.” Also, if I did have a problem in this area, killing the clock is indeed the last thing I would do.

To be honest with you Chad, if anything I could use a pill that decreases the level of testosterone that is coursing through my masculine frame. In fact, if you hear anything about such a pill, please let me know. It’s very inconvenient for me to have to shave five times a day.

Unfortunately, Chad isn’t the first reader to broach the subject of my ability to perform in the bedroom through the moral mailbox. In fact, given the number of emails I’ve received on the subject, it would seem that there are some very damning rumors circulating on the internet about me. Clearly some liberal website, like Moveon.org or Media Matters, has turned its attention to me and is running a vicious smear campaign as a means to silence me. They are wasting their time!

Thank you, Chad, for giving me the opportunity to clear my name and for your generous offer of generic Viagra. Just don’t believe everything you see on the internet because these liberal attacks will become more vicious and more common as I ascend to the heights of conservative stardom. Although I think it’s clear to everyone that Michael Gregory Steele is not the face of erectile dysfunction.