I Spy a Terrorist Hiding Behind The Constitution

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I'm starting to get really tired of people overreacting to the current domestic spying situation. Yes, the President of the United States obtained wiretaps on several Americans without going through the normal legal channels. He's admitted to doing this, so what exactly is the problem? Our president is spying on terrorists and keeping America safe, not murdering puppies. Let's get some perspective here people.

The only people who would object to being spied on are those with something to hide. Do you have something to hide? Are you a terrorist hiding behind the so-called "right to privacy" in the United States Constitution? If so then I'm not really concerned that you might have to look over your shoulder wondering if "Big Brother" is watching. If you're a terrorist then anything more than the rights that would be afforded to you in a Gitmo jail cell is too generous.

It's not just the bad guys who should be watched though, because even upstanding citizens like me can benefit from a little government supervision. It's a simple fact that when you're being monitored you're more likely to follow the rules. Law abiding people like myself have nothing to fear from a little government surveillence and we should welcome it. When you know you're being watched, you're less likely to do something that could harm yourself or your country.

Take my family for example. What would happen if I decided my wife Carol should have a bit more privacy? If she wasn't under my constant watchful eye, there's no telling what sort of trouble she could get herself into. Or how about my son, Michael Jr.? Just imagine the kind of depraved things he would do alone in the bathroom if he didn't know I was there with my ear pressed to the door. I won't apologize for thinking my son's "right to privacy" is less important than fighting the evils of self-abuse. Any responsible parent will agree.

And so it is the same for our country. President Bush is simply a concerned father keeping an eye on terrorists and also making sure that the rest of his citizens don't do something wrong. Look, you can say that you believe in protecting civil liberties and other such nonesense but I know what you mean. You see, I've cracked Al Queda's secret code on this one, "I don't approve of President Bush spying on Americans" translates directly to "As soon as nobody's looking, I'll commit a heinous act in the name of Allah."

You Dare To Question the War on Christmas?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I thought this country was the United States of America, not some weak-kneed European Nation lacking in any sort of moral resolve. When I see public support for the Iraq war eroding and so-called Americans growing tired of supporting the cause of freedom and supporting our troops I have my doubts. Take it from me; nothing makes a soldier angrier than someone questioning their mission.

Now, I've never have been a soldier enlisted in any branch of the military, so you might wonder what I would know about the detrimental effect of naysayers on troop morale. I know plenty about it after some of the comments and emails I've received this week.

For you see, I am a soldier -- a soldier fighting in God's army to win this war on (or should I say “the war for”) Christmas. I'm on the front lines, urging my fellow religious freedom fighters to boycott stores that won't specifically acknowledge our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I'm also squatting in a foxhole writing indignant letters to the editor of my local paper while atheists lob verbal grenades in the form of "Happy Holidays" at me. So I am a soldier, a soldier fighting this just war against the godless unbelievers who so hate Christmas.

But instead of supporting me and the rest of the brave troops in this war, some among you express doubt about the worthiness of our cause. When you question the purpose of this war, you only embolden the atheists and disrespect every man and woman in Christ fighting for Christmas. Would you cowards have the guts to tell Bill O'Reilly that you don't support what he's doing? How about James Dobson? What about me? You are traitors to God and this country, plain and simple.

You think this war we're fighting is pointless, do you? You say the greeting "Happy Holidays" has been used prominently for decades and it's completely benign, huh? Well since I've started really paying attention to it this year, it seems like it's used far too often. This is just a small step before the phrase "Merry Christmas" is outright banned, then say goodbye to the celebration of Christmas, and then before you know it, we'll all be forced to denounce Jesus Christ or face deportation. And still you dare to question this war for Christmas!

We simply cannot wait until the liberals start coming to our homes to pry the Bibles and rosaries out of our righteous hands. No, by then it will be too late.

These secularists are chipping away at our religious freedoms with the power of the judiciary. This is a new breed of enemy that calls for a new more aggressive way of doing things. We must preemptively strike before the ACLU can litigate our Lord out of existence. We can see the influence of these secular progressives already taking hold so we must act now before this holy day of celebration is taken from us forever.

I’m sure you won’t think this fight pointless when they begin tearing down our Christian churches to make way for the cultural sensitivity training centers. Your lack of support for our cause only emboldens these godless liberals. You're either with us, or you're with the godless secular progressives who wish to destroy Christmas (let's just call them terrorists for short).

The War on Christmas

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It's been a while since I've found a cause as great as the one trumpeted by two champions of righteousness, John Gibson and Bill O'Reilly. Their message is a simple but important one: We must protect Christmas from the secular monsters who wish to destroy it. Never has the attack on Christianity been so blatantly obvious. But I guess such outward attacks remain a bit too subtle for even some supposed conservatives to recognize.

Of course anyone who's taken the time to read John Gibson's book the War on Christmas has no problem understanding this great threat. And if you've seen the O'Reilly Factor lately you're already well aware of the fact that certain stores are using the secular friendly greeting Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas in their seasonal advertising. I'm looking in your direction, Wal-Mart.

So what is the cause of all this insanity? Why do certain retailers refuse to specifically endorse the one true holiday of the season? Now some of my less thoughtful readers have suggested that it's just smart business. This might seem like a good point to your pathetically unenlightened minds, but I assure you that it isn't.

You pseudo-conservatives ask, "Why should these stores alienate non-Christians by only mentioning Christmas?" Looking at it clearly from a marketing perspective, shouldn't a more general greeting of Happy Holidays appeals to a larger audience and therefore maximize the impact of this advertising message? Well this may have been true in the past, but we Christians aren't going to stand for it any longer.

You just have to ask yourself who really benefits from the absense of the word "Christmas?" I mean it's a well known fact that Christians are by far the most generous gift givers and therefore spend a majority of the money these stores will make this season. As a businessman, you cater to the people who are going to make you money -- This is Marketing 101, people. Do you think it would be wise for Rolex to go out of their way to make sure homeless people are familiar with their new watch models? Or how about BMW, do you think they should promote their cars to jobless liberals who can't afford them? No and no, because these companies, unlike some visitors to this blog truly understand business.

Clearly it makes no sense from a business perspective for stores to be so "inclusive" in their advertising. So what would make these businesses lose sight of the bottom line? Or should I say who. There is only one twisted group who could make the companies forget that Jesus is the reason for the season -- activist atheists.More specifically, the activist atheists at the ACLU.

We Christians are wise to the ACLU's game though and have finally decided to draw a line in the sand. Retailers can either specifically acknowledge us Christians and ignore everyone else or find themselves on the receiving end of a financially crippling boycott. As the largest religion I think we've earned a little special recognition; and with the kind of buying power we have, retailers can't help but see it our way.

Merry Christmas, You Secular Pukes

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I would like to direct a message of Christmas cheer to all the progressive reprobates out there reading this blog. That's right; I want to wish you a "Merry Christmas," my morally bankrupt friends. No, I will not wish any of you "Happy Holidays" because my well wishes are only directed to those who choose to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

Oh, I'm sure you godless unbelievers would like take part in this glorious celebration of joy, gifts, and family -- but you can't. Oh sure, you can try and justify your use of "happy holidays" as an attempt to be inclusive. We certainly don't want to offend any Jewish people celebrating ChanakaIdontcarehowitsspelled, do we? Oh, and Kwanza, we can't forget Kwanzaa, can we? Yes, yes we can. In fact we can and should forget both of these supposed holidays.

I don't really care if the mention of Christ in my greeting makes you atheists squirm. Well, actually I do care, as I get a lot of joy out of making people like you uncomfortable. In fact I'm going to be sending out Jesus birthday cards instead of generic Christmas cards with cartoon snowmen this year. And hey, if you're in my neighborhood and I don't see you in church every Sunday then you've just made it on my Christmas card list. 'Tis the season for proselytizing.

You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I should simply say "god bless you" when someone around me sneezes. No, I can't afford to be so vague while the one true God is constantly under attack and near the time of his birth no less. I think the proper response from me will have to be "Jesus Christ bless you, unless you don't believe in Him, in that case I really don't care if your cold becomes fatal."

Listen, liberals, this isn't some generic holiday season or Chanwhocaresica it is and always has been Christmas. So I wish all of you idiotic progressive a very merry Christmas, not because I genuinely wish you any bit of happiness but because I know how uncomfortable the word Christ makes you.