Thursday, August 24, 2006

Lord, Please Silence These Fools

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Dear Lord, please quiet the foolish tongues of all non-Christians and unbelievers. Render mute all homosexuals and fornicators so that the minds of your children will remain pure and chaste. Still the tongues of all who refuse to praise your name.
This is a prayer that could never be uttered in an American public school, despite the urgent need for these very words to be spoken.

There was a time when the school day could begin with a prayer like this. There was also a time when the teachings of Christ actually played a role in the classroom. Now the only thing a Bible can be used for is kindling in teachers’ lounge to help warm the teachers as they figure out new and creative ways to indoctrinate your children.

One of the major reasons for this damnable legal shift is that Christians don’t quite make up as overwhelming a majority as they used to. Ignoring non-Christians was a whole lot easier when the American Muslim population didn’t exist or when religious diversity consisted of one crazy unbeliever/outcast that lived in the woods and conversed with forest animals. Supposedly even a nut like this has the right to worship Satan as he sees fit.

But this very argument that prayer shouldn’t be allowed in schools because it silences religious minorities makes me laugh. I not only laugh because the argument itself is ridiculous, but also because the thought is so very pleasing to me. Just picture it – non-Christians being shamed into submission and having shut their damn yaps for a change. Cue the halleluiah chorus.

The courts also seem to think that making non-Christians say Christian prayers is religious coercion and violates the so-called separation of Church and State. Apparently these same activist judges seem to think it is also their duty to protect these religious minorities from the imposition of Christian values. This interferes though, with my duty to impose my Christian values on everyone around me. So it seems we have a very serious dilemma.

You see, I understand this school prayer argument perfectly. I acknowledge that the lone Muslim kid in the classroom might feel a bit isolated sitting alone in a corner while the rest of his class is lead in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. But frankly the thought of little Osama Jr. being teased on the playground isn’t enough to make me overlook the importance of giving our children a good moral education. Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or find another place to play ball, kid!

Honestly, the problem with this whole argument is that we absolutely shouldn’t be protecting children from such experiences. On the contrary we need make sure this happens much more often. We need to use peer pressure to drive a few more unbelievers into the flock. The separation of Church and State thing wasn’t as rigidly enforced when everybody had the correct idea of what the Church part of this equation should be (Church = Christ for the mathematically disinclined). Only if we can be more aggressive in our conversion efforts and eliminate the overabundance of religious diversity in this country can we return to education centered on Jesus Christ.
Lord, I pray that if you do not see fit to cleanse and purify these vermin so that you may bring them into your flock, please ensure that their cries are unheard by the ears of your true followers. Make them go away, God, just make them all go away. Amen.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Judge Hands Terrorists the Keys to Your Home

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Since it’s a known fact that Democrats can’t win elections, they score political victories the only way they can: through the justice system. We’ve seen this sad fact played out yet again as last week another liberal ruling has been handled down by the courts; a ruling that directly translates to the deaths of millions of Americans.

Despite what you may think, this particular ruling has nothing to do with abortion or a mother’s so-called right to commit fetuscide. No, it seems that liberals are no longer content to just kill unborn Americans; they apparently want too see the rest of us dead as well.

The liberal commitment to the destruction of the American way of life was shown again as Judge Anna Diggs Taylor (a woman no less) recently ruled that the Bush administration’s use of warrantless wire taps is both illegal and unconstitutional. In case you’re wondering, this ruling does in fact seal the fate of all Americans. This out of control activist woman judge with the help of the ACLU (surprise, surprise) have just handed al Queda the keys to your house. The most you can hope for at this point is that the terrorists don’t track mud onto your nice carpet as they sneak into your home to slit your throat while you sleep.

President Bush’s response to this travesty of justice was of course firm, direct, and completely correct:
“[Opponents of the NSA surveillance program] simply don’t understand the nature of the world we live in… We must give those whose responsibility it is to protect the United States the tools necessary to protect this country in a time of war”
I couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. In fact, the single biggest problem with the Constitution in general is that those who originally drafted it had a pre-9/11 mindset. We live in a very different world now and we can’t allow ourselves to be constrained by the civil rights of America’s citizens. Sorry liberal traitors, if we actually want to defeat this enemy and spread freedom and democracy across the globe we no longer have the luxury of a right to privacy. Deal with it.

While the implications of this ruling are terrifying, if there’s one thing I know about President Bush, it’s that he won’t allow this to prevent him from protecting America. He’ll find a way around this Constitution problem and defeat our Islamist foes. Until he does though, your personal terror level should remain somewhere between “completely incapacitated by fear” and “soiling your pants.”

I, on the other hand, shall remain strong in the face of our impending doom. I personally understand that protecting the principles of an outdated piece of parchment like the Constitution simply doesn’t matter in the context of the War on Terror. I know this, the President knows this, and you should know this. I just pray that until the President is able to address this, that the terrorists will limit their inevitable orgy of destruction to the godless liberals who support this ruling.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Why Liberals Kill Babies, Hate God, and Love to Cry

by Herman B. Hayes

Roughly three weeks ago I asked the liberals a few simple questions, hoping for some honest answers.

I suppose that I really should know better by now. The only thing harder than getting honesty out of you leftist-liars is getting oil out of a stone. Come to think of it, there is technology for getting oil from stones. There are ways to get truth out of you liberals, too, but I am not sure if your incessant whining about torture would mask the effects of me torturing you.

I have decided to answer my own questions to you, since all of your answers were unsatisfactory, and most made me sick to my stomach.

Sometimes when you want something done right you have to do it yourself. I have no choice but to explain to you, readers, why liberals think how they do. It is not safe for you to attempt to figure out liberal thought on your own, so I will do it for you.

Why do you enjoy killing babies?

Liberals enjoy killing babies because they, the Godless unbelievers, are terribly lazy. It is far easier to kill an in-vitro infant by way of abortion than it is to raise it as a good Christian. I think that we good and decent conservatives should be thankful that liberals are not throwing babies into lakes in weighted bags, in the same manner as unwanted puppies and kittens. It takes eighteen years or so to raise a child in the true and proper path of Jesus Christ our Lord, and those baby-cidal liberal maniacs just don’t have the attention span that is required.

Is it fun to cry all day?

It must be, since every liberal spends at least part of each day crying. You blubbering leftists will cry over almost anything. You cry about the fact that we of God’s Chosen Ideology are able to control all of Washington, D.C., and you liberals are lucky get a seat on a school board. You cry about Israel killing “innocent” Lebanese, even though they are all members of Hez-Kill-Jesus-Bollah. You cry about the fact that there is not enough bran in your Ultra Hippy Bran Bombs breakfast cereal. I have no doubt that you will spend the rest of your day in tears over my mocking attack on you.

What is wrong with war?

Liberals think that war is a bad thing because they are not very good at it. You effeminate little flip-floppers need to realize that sometimes you need to take a violent stand against everything that is wrong in the world. Violence is the answer, it really is. Look at Iraq, as an obvious example. The Iraqi people are no longer living under the fear and oppression wrought by Saddam. Now the Iraqi people have free elections, and they are devouring the fruits of Democracy. I know that you liberals have some fire in your bellies, though. I have seen the way you react when the minimum wage employee at Starbucks puts whole milk in your Coffee-Latte-Tino-Flaming-Mochafrothy when you asked, repeatedly, for skim.

Why do you think your rights are so damned important?

You liberals think that your rights are what make you free. The truth is, though, that these rights that you hold so dear are nothing but a threat to the freedom of people like me. Your rights are only getting in the way of my peace and security. I personally think that if you are a Democrat, a Green (thanks again, suckers), or a member of some other liberal group, your phone should be tapped out of spite. I have no respect for the weak, and neither does Jesus. As a matter of fact, if Jesus were here on Earth today he would be tapping your phones, planting tracking devices on your kids, and putting video cameras in your bedroom to make sure that you were only using the Holy Sexual Position of the Lord.

Why do you still hate God?

Liberals hate God because they know that God is going to send them all to Hell, no excuses accepted. Your days of snubbing the Lord are nearing an end, and I am sure that you know it. I was so excited over the last month over the possibility of a battle on the Plains of Armageddon, but you liberals managed to screw up The Rapture for me, again. Good job, morons. God is getting sick of you constantly mocking Him and His people, by the way. One more Rick “Senator Voldemort” Santorum joke and God will have no choice but to partake in some antediluvian style smiting.

So there you have it. You liberals were too wishy-washy to answer these questions for yourself, so I had to do it for you. I appreciate the opportunity to mock you, and I am sure you will provide me with many more chances in the future.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Israel Has the Right to Kill Everyone

by Herman B. Hayes

Any and all who are enemies of the great nation of Israel should be destroyed by whatever means necessary.

I am sure that you have been following the turmoil in the Middle East, and I am sure that you have been rooting for Israel, as God would have you to do. Remember, the Jews were the prototype Christians, and as such they deserve our support. Israel is the nation of God, and He views it in his Holy Wisdom as “Little America”. The situation with Israel and Lebanon is very similar to our situation with the brown-skinned peoples of the word.

Israel has the right to defend herself, even if that means incinerating children with phosphorus bombs.

The Israeli military has been extremely precise in targeting only Hezbollah soldiers and ammunition storage areas. It is not the fault of the Israelis that “innocent civilians” had the audacity to build their homes in Hezbollah controlled areas. I happen to know for a fact that you are required by local building codes to paint a giant “H” on the top of your home if you are a member of Hezbollah. How many huge letters have you seen on Lebanese houses while watching Fox News? If you break the law, you deserve to be shelled and bombed. Not everyone lives in a private home, but do not despair! The forces of Zionism are well within their bounds to attack large apartment complexes, also.

You never know if the guy in 7B, the one with all the cats, has a Katushya rocket pointed at an Israeli border outpost.

How dare these people get in the way of Israeli shrapnel? Those red-hot pieces of metal could have killed a Hezbollah fighter, if only they hadn’t hit a civilian first. The worldwide outcry against Israel is sickening to me. The Lebanese civilians are the problem here. They should have seen past the fact that Hezbollah built them schools, hospitals, recreational facilities, and other vital public services. How dare these civilians act as human sandbags to stop the destruction of Hezbollah?

If you disagree with me, then Israel has the right to kill you, too.

Israel is the only nation on Earth, besides the United States, that has the God given authority to kill anyone that it sees fit. Do not stand in the way of Israel. The Chosen People of God will have no qualms about sending someone to your happy little home to kill you. Israel must defend itself, using any means necessary. There are no innocent people, and no people who are not expendable, when the safety of Israel’s northern border outposts is at stake.

We have your back, Israel. Bring it on.

It would be a good time to sit down, be quiet, and practice being good little brown people, Syria and Iran. We are not going to let you get involved in this playground brawl. You should know that if you make one move towards our Jewish buddies, we will have no choice but to bomb you back to the time of the Crusades.

America will stop at nothing to protect its diminutive little doppelganger, and it would be wise to tuck that one under your turban, Damascus and Tehran.

This is also cross-posted as a Shoutwire Editorial.