Thursday, August 24, 2006

Lord, Please Silence These Fools

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Dear Lord, please quiet the foolish tongues of all non-Christians and unbelievers. Render mute all homosexuals and fornicators so that the minds of your children will remain pure and chaste. Still the tongues of all who refuse to praise your name.
This is a prayer that could never be uttered in an American public school, despite the urgent need for these very words to be spoken.

There was a time when the school day could begin with a prayer like this. There was also a time when the teachings of Christ actually played a role in the classroom. Now the only thing a Bible can be used for is kindling in teachers’ lounge to help warm the teachers as they figure out new and creative ways to indoctrinate your children.

One of the major reasons for this damnable legal shift is that Christians don’t quite make up as overwhelming a majority as they used to. Ignoring non-Christians was a whole lot easier when the American Muslim population didn’t exist or when religious diversity consisted of one crazy unbeliever/outcast that lived in the woods and conversed with forest animals. Supposedly even a nut like this has the right to worship Satan as he sees fit.

But this very argument that prayer shouldn’t be allowed in schools because it silences religious minorities makes me laugh. I not only laugh because the argument itself is ridiculous, but also because the thought is so very pleasing to me. Just picture it – non-Christians being shamed into submission and having shut their damn yaps for a change. Cue the halleluiah chorus.

The courts also seem to think that making non-Christians say Christian prayers is religious coercion and violates the so-called separation of Church and State. Apparently these same activist judges seem to think it is also their duty to protect these religious minorities from the imposition of Christian values. This interferes though, with my duty to impose my Christian values on everyone around me. So it seems we have a very serious dilemma.

You see, I understand this school prayer argument perfectly. I acknowledge that the lone Muslim kid in the classroom might feel a bit isolated sitting alone in a corner while the rest of his class is lead in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. But frankly the thought of little Osama Jr. being teased on the playground isn’t enough to make me overlook the importance of giving our children a good moral education. Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or find another place to play ball, kid!

Honestly, the problem with this whole argument is that we absolutely shouldn’t be protecting children from such experiences. On the contrary we need make sure this happens much more often. We need to use peer pressure to drive a few more unbelievers into the flock. The separation of Church and State thing wasn’t as rigidly enforced when everybody had the correct idea of what the Church part of this equation should be (Church = Christ for the mathematically disinclined). Only if we can be more aggressive in our conversion efforts and eliminate the overabundance of religious diversity in this country can we return to education centered on Jesus Christ.
Lord, I pray that if you do not see fit to cleanse and purify these vermin so that you may bring them into your flock, please ensure that their cries are unheard by the ears of your true followers. Make them go away, God, just make them all go away. Amen.


At August 27, 2006 11:21 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I'm so proud of you. Worthy of Holmes.

At August 28, 2006 10:17 PM, Blogger Sudsy Loofalafel said...

Liberals would love to silence our christian childrens prayers, as they applaud all the Baby bin Ladens kneeling and bowing toward Mecca.

I swear that if I only see Holiday Trees on sale this year, then by God I'll take an axe and pay Juan to cut a tree from a National Forest for my family.

At August 29, 2006 9:25 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

Fornicators? Sirs, most schoolchildren do not know what a fornicator is. Are you trying to get them to think impure thoughts, hmmmmmmmm?

P.S. Rick Santorum is a gay homosexual.

At August 29, 2006 11:12 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

blue gal: Holmes? I don't know who that is. Unless he's one of Bush's cabinet members that I'm unfamiliar with, I'm pretty sure that I don't care either.

sudsy loofalafel: Indeed they would.

Also, I wouldn't worry about the war on Christmas, we've made tremendous strides against the godless unbelievers. I'd even go so far as to see they're in their last throes.

At August 29, 2006 11:25 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

the truffle: Me corrupt children? I think you might have me confused with one of those liberal educators.

As for Rick Santorum being a "gay homosexual," I can only assume that it is redundant opposite day or that you're an idiot. Wait, I just consulted my calendar and have confirmed that it's the later.

At August 30, 2006 8:47 AM, Blogger The Truffle said...

What's a "later", dood? Last I checked, "later" was not a noun.

At August 30, 2006 11:46 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

the truffle: Look, I'm not going to sit here and diagram this sentence for you, I have better uses for my time. I will remind you though that the Lord hates those who don't recognize the implied "one" in that sentence.

At August 31, 2006 11:05 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Perhaps we should reopen Abu Ghraib as a conversion center to bring these Godless liberals into the flock.

At September 03, 2006 4:17 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Speaking of Senator Santorum, and why are you allowing your commenters to use his familiar first name without his title? I mean, when he is no longer Senator, you can be sure I will be referring to him as former-Senator Santorum in all of MY correspondence.

Speaking of Senator Santorum, I depend upon you to turn up the heat on all who oppose him. You, and he, only have 65 more days. Please, he needs your continued support, and we need to read abou tit. I mean, about it. Sorry.

At September 07, 2006 10:17 PM, Blogger Jolly Roger said...

I often get saddened to think that we may have to wait for the Rapture for all of this to get straightened out.

I am a strong supporter of your efforts to make things right here on Earth. Godspeed, friend.

At September 12, 2006 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor "Frothy Mix" Santorum gets so abused by the liberals - good thing prayer has no effect or we might be subjected to his idiocy for yet another term since the "whacko" fundamentalists listen only to his anti-gay and anti-abortion lines and ignore everything else he's screwed up.


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