Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Moral Mailbox: Do You Lack Passion In the Bedroom?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Last night I sat down at my computer and combed through the hundreds of emails I received in my absence. I figured in this case, that the law of large numbers would dictate at least one of these emails would contain an intelligent question. It seems that math, like science, has failed me again.

I didn’t receive one single email that either didn’t contain a question that was too idiotically worded to answer or whose answer was so blindingly obvious that it would be a complete waste of my time to respond to it. I clearly have asked too much from my readers in requesting that they string together a few words to form a coherent question.

One email, while not a moral query, did grab my attention and was sent to me by “Chad”:
What are you to do if you have bad erection? Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time... The most simple way is to visit our site, order the medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!
While I appreciate your concern, Chad, I actually do not have erectile dysfunction and am very capable of “satisfying my woman.” Also, if I did have a problem in this area, killing the clock is indeed the last thing I would do.

To be honest with you Chad, if anything I could use a pill that decreases the level of testosterone that is coursing through my masculine frame. In fact, if you hear anything about such a pill, please let me know. It’s very inconvenient for me to have to shave five times a day.

Unfortunately, Chad isn’t the first reader to broach the subject of my ability to perform in the bedroom through the moral mailbox. In fact, given the number of emails I’ve received on the subject, it would seem that there are some very damning rumors circulating on the internet about me. Clearly some liberal website, like Moveon.org or Media Matters, has turned its attention to me and is running a vicious smear campaign as a means to silence me. They are wasting their time!

Thank you, Chad, for giving me the opportunity to clear my name and for your generous offer of generic Viagra. Just don’t believe everything you see on the internet because these liberal attacks will become more vicious and more common as I ascend to the heights of conservative stardom. Although I think it’s clear to everyone that Michael Gregory Steele is not the face of erectile dysfunction.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Onward, Christian Super-Soldiers

by Herman B. Hayes

“Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching As To War”

I am sure that we all remember the words to the classic hymn “Onward Christian Soldiers”. Once it was enough that these were words on a page, or voices in a church. No longer is this the case, however. The enemy surrounds us, Christianity is under siege, and the deadlock must be broken.

It is time for the new Christian Army.

Enough! Our sense of complacency is getting us nowhere. Our enemies are almost too numerous to count. We are up against the forces of the homos, the abortionists, the jihadists, the Scientologists, the Indian Nations, television, radio, and even the vile and violent Buddhist monks. This is not the time to be a weak Christian. We are trapped in our fortress of faith, and all the weak are good for is throwing over the walls to distract the enemy.

The Bible says that our bodies are temples. I am sure God does not appreciate your scrawny, weak, crumbling temples.

God wants us to be strong, muscular, and brutal temples to his faith. Were the Crusaders weak? Were the disciples weak? No! The disciples, for instance, were muscle-bound behemoths. Jesus himself weighed in at around 250 pounds, without an ounce of fat, and knew that the best way to bring people into the fold was an overwhelming display of physical power. You did not want to receive a smiting from Jesus and his boys.

Pancakes and power shakes?

Thankfully, we have a nutritional scientist on our side. We have a man whose knowledge of physiology, chemistry, and human pathology is unparalleled in the halls of science. This Holy Alchemist has created two formulas, one a shake, the other fluffy and delicious pancakes, which will make any Christian into a berserker warrior for Christ. This great man is none other than Pat Robertson.

Meet Pat Robertson’s Pagan-Punishers

These are the new breed of Christian warriors. Imagine, loyal believers, an army of Christian warrior males, ready for battle, giant muscles rippling in the sun, steely looks in their eyes, Bibles and swords at the ready. Pat Robertson’s pancakes and protein shakes can give us this. Pat Robertson can leg press 2000 pounds. Remember, please, that Pat is around seventy years of age. Imagine the body of a twenty-year old after taking part in Mr. Robertson’s program. I imagine them all the time.

Eat, drink, and be powerful.

These are troubled times for Christianity. We are under attack from all sides, but with the help of Pat Robertson we can break the siege. It is our moral duty to be strong. Christianity can no longer tolerate the weak and the downtrodden. Christ wants us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps, and for that you need very powerful arms. So, be prepared to move out, and be ready to follow General Jesus wherever he may lead us.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Lord Redelivers Me Unto You

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Where have I been for the last couple months?

What could possibly distract me from my mission of providing the spiritual education needed by you, my unenlightened brethren? What is so important that it could justify me abandoning all of you when your need for a regular dose of righteousness is so great? One word: family.

If there’s one thing you can manage to learn from our teachings, it should be this: nothing is more important than family or the conservative principles needed to keep a family from falling apart. It’s just been more important for me to be a good father to my son Joseph than to try and drill the truth into your heads.

But why did Joseph require so much time of my time?

Well, perhaps I need to start at the beginning. You see, ever since he’s been very young, I’ve known that Joseph is …well… different. They say the apple never falls far from the tree, but that’s not always the case. I’m ashamed to admit that this particular apple is far fruiter than the tree and even most other apples.

I would often play catch with my son and cringe as he pranced around the yard after letting the baseball slip through his fingers. His athletic ineptitude spoke to my greatest fear. But I, being the incredible father I am, didn’t let this concern me. "He just needs to spend some time with his dear old dad," I told myself. Plenty of games of catch and daily showers with his dad (as Dr. James Dobson recommends) should have been enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t. I discovered in January that my son had tried out for the school play, and it was a musical no less. I was devastated.

I of course blamed myself, as any good father would. But my response to this catastrophe shows that I’m more than just a good father, I’m a great one.

From that day on, I spent every evening after work playing football with my son. I even used up some of my vacation time so that I could devote the extra time to him. This went beyond our usual games of catch as the situation was dire and required more than just a simple throw of the ball. No, for months my boy trained, and he trained hard. He ran countless drills, carried buckets of water and he of course showered with me daily to assure his straightness.

I’m now proud to say that my boy is completely cured and can throw a perfect spiral. I now see that the Lord chose to make my son this way as a test. And as with all of the tests the Lord gives me, I passed this one with flying colors. So now that I have finished proving to God that I am a superior father, I too have chosen to once again share my wisdom with all of you.

Conservatives for American Values has returned!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Normalcy Returns

by Herman B. Hayes

What is wrong with kids these days?

We all know the standard answer to that question. It is “poor parenting, a lack of respect and discipline, and not enough corporal punishment.” Sometimes, however, even the most well-bred of children can go awry. I am going to be frank with you, readers, the last four months have been miserable for the Hayes family.

d-N-methylamphetamine

For any of you who may have been left behind by our educational system, the above is the chemical name for methamphetamine, or “meth” as the toothless rabble call it. With recent media coverage of the meth problem, I am sure that I do not need to go into detail about what this drug does. There is, however, one thing that can make this drug even more dangerous:

Mexicans

Now, I know you are asking yourselves how Mexicans can make meth more dangerous, aside from producing, transporting, and selling it for money to buy tequila and knives. Mexicans can make meth more dangerous by selling it to our children. This is my confession: My eldest son, Nehemiah, spent the last four months in a private rehabilitation facility, ridding his system and mind of meth and illegal aliens.

A tale of two Methicans.

My son got the foolish notion that going to help illegal aliens survive in the deserts of the Southwest would be a good and humanitarian thing to do. I let him go, assuming that a few months of sand and scorpions would be enough to bring him to his senses. While tending to a water station, my beloved son was approached by two illegal alien Mexicans, both named Pedro. I can only assume that the dos Pedros somehow overpowered my boy and forced him to take the meth. Nothing else could make a Christian boy of college age from a strict household experiment with drugs.

My moral authority remains intact.

Those of you without faith may now have doubts about my moral authority. Those of you without faith may, then, excuse yourselves directly to hell. My moral authority is doing fine, thank you. My son was weak, you may well be weak, but I am not. He is out of rehab now, and we are keeping him on the straight and narrow path. Things are right again in the Hayes household, and I am ready to be your moral compass once again.

Trying times are upon us.

These are trying times for our party, our President, and our faith. Some days it seems like we are under attack from all fronts. Every night on the news it is the same trivial garbage about Iraq, the NSA wiretapping, the NSA phone records, illegal immigration, Duke Cunningham, prostitutes at the Watergate, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Guantanamo, secret prisons, torture, Cheney shooting people, and trading nuclear technology to India for mangoes, the list goes on and on. But do not despair! Rejoice!

Conservatives for American Values has returned!