Moral Mailbox: Do You Lack Passion In the Bedroom?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Last night I sat down at my computer and combed through the hundreds of emails I received in my absence. I figured in this case, that the law of large numbers would dictate at least one of these emails would contain an intelligent question. It seems that math, like science, has failed me again.

I didn’t receive one single email that either didn’t contain a question that was too idiotically worded to answer or whose answer was so blindingly obvious that it would be a complete waste of my time to respond to it. I clearly have asked too much from my readers in requesting that they string together a few words to form a coherent question.

One email, while not a moral query, did grab my attention and was sent to me by “Chad”:

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time... The most simple way is to visit our site, order the medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!

While I appreciate your concern, Chad, I actually do not have erectile dysfunction and am very capable of “satisfying my woman.” Also, if I did have a problem in this area, killing the clock is indeed the last thing I would do.

To be honest with you Chad, if anything I could use a pill that decreases the level of testosterone that is coursing through my masculine frame. In fact, if you hear anything about such a pill, please let me know. It’s very inconvenient for me to have to shave five times a day.

Unfortunately, Chad isn’t the first reader to broach the subject of my ability to perform in the bedroom through the moral mailbox. In fact, given the number of emails I’ve received on the subject, it would seem that there are some very damning rumors circulating on the internet about me. Clearly some liberal website, like Moveon.org or Media Matters, has turned its attention to me and is running a vicious smear campaign as a means to silence me. They are wasting their time!

Thank you, Chad, for giving me the opportunity to clear my name and for your generous offer of generic Viagra. Just don’t believe everything you see on the internet because these liberal attacks will become more vicious and more common as I ascend to the heights of conservative stardom. Although I think it’s clear to everyone that Michael Gregory Steele is not the face of erectile dysfunction.

The Lord Redelivers Me Unto You

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Where have I been for the last couple months?

What could possibly distract me from my mission of providing the spiritual education needed by you, my unenlightened brethren? What is so important that it could justify me abandoning all of you when your need for a regular dose of righteousness is so great? One word: family.

If there’s one thing you can manage to learn from our teachings, it should be this: nothing is more important than family or the conservative principles needed to keep a family from falling apart. It’s just been more important for me to be a good father to my son Joseph than to try and drill the truth into your heads.

But why did Joseph require so much time of my time?

Well, perhaps I need to start at the beginning. You see, ever since he’s been very young, I’ve known that Joseph is …well… different. They say the apple never falls far from the tree, but that’s not always the case. I’m ashamed to admit that this particular apple is far fruiter than the tree and even most other apples.

I would often play catch with my son and cringe as he pranced around the yard after letting the baseball slip through his fingers. His athletic ineptitude spoke to my greatest fear. But I, being the incredible father I am, didn’t let this concern me. "He just needs to spend some time with his dear old dad," I told myself. Plenty of games of catch and daily showers with his dad (as Dr. James Dobson recommends) should have been enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t. I discovered in January that my son had tried out for the school play, and it was a musical no less. I was devastated.

I of course blamed myself, as any good father would. But my response to this catastrophe shows that I’m more than just a good father, I’m a great one.

From that day on, I spent every evening after work playing football with my son. I even used up some of my vacation time so that I could devote the extra time to him. This went beyond our usual games of catch as the situation was dire and required more than just a simple throw of the ball. No, for months my boy trained, and he trained hard. He ran countless drills, carried buckets of water and he of course showered with me daily to assure his straightness.

I’m now proud to say that my boy is completely cured and can throw a perfect spiral. I now see that the Lord chose to make my son this way as a test. And as with all of the tests the Lord gives me, I passed this one with flying colors. So now that I have finished proving to God that I am a superior father, I too have chosen to once again share my wisdom with all of you.

Conservatives for American Values has returned!