Thursday, September 01, 2005

Your Leader Commands You to Help

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It is not often that I ask anything of my readers, which is ridiculous now that I think about, because I do so much for all of you. I'm saving your souls -- your immoral souls -- from the fiery depths of hell. Can you even begin to put a price on this? Of course you can't, but I'm asking you to try.

I'm not just asking you, I am issuing a moral edict. I order you to donate to the Red Cross to help those affected by Hurricane Katrina. Think of all that I have done for you and how little I have asked of you in return. Sure I ask for your unquestioned loyalty, but never any money until now. If you cannot reach into your pocket and donate at least $25 then don't bother coming back here.

"How will you know that I've donated?" you might ask. Oh, I'll know. Let's just say I have friends in really high places. Does the name God ring a bell? You see, I am not just a mouthpiece for the Almighty, but I also have his ear. When I talk God listens. And not just in a "God listens to the prayers of all of us" sort of way, He really listens to me. If you don't donate then let's just say I'm going to tell God to dispense with his usual mercy when dealing with you.

I'm not even talking about Jesus Christ or the Holy Spirit here; I'm talking about God the Father. That's right if you do not donate, get ready to have the most violent and vengeful member of the Holy Trinity breathing down your neck. You want God to smite you? Fine then don't donate. You want to spend an eternity in hell. Great, then don't click on this link.

Look, it's your choice; you can either give up pizza this Friday night or spend an eternity burning with all the liberals in hell. I love all of you too much to let this happen. Just remember, when your leader orders you to do something, you must obey.

Donate Here (in case you were too stupid to notice the other links)


At September 02, 2005 12:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've done as you commanded. Please allow me to continue to follow your word.

At September 02, 2005 7:48 AM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

Merely donating 25 dollars is not enough. You must pray for God to help those people as well. Not to mention volunteering at the Red Cross.

I don't think anyone who doesn't do those 3 things is worthy of following Mr. Steele's word.

Mr. Steele why are you letting the people off easy?

At September 02, 2005 10:35 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: You're worthy... for now.

At September 02, 2005 10:52 AM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

I anticipated this command and pre-emptively acted. I knew a righteous man of God would want us all to help out.

At September 02, 2005 11:13 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

giovanni: Keep in mind that liberals read this blog too, and I don't want to instruct them to do too many things at once. They are easily confused.

Obviously even if a liberal does donate they won't escape hell's eternal torment, but it's nice to give them a little hope.

conservative patriot: Interesting, perhaps God informed you of this after I told him of my idea for this post. Regardless, you are worthy to read this blog for now.

At September 02, 2005 3:49 PM, Blogger Edgar K. Aldren said...

The Red Cross is full of communist scum! Not to mention liberal hippie vermon! I have donated money to help the poor bastards in the ravaged area. Let's see if the UN will help as much as you have!

At September 02, 2005 3:53 PM, Anonymous BushCheney08 said...

I have sold my brain for scientific research and I dontated the proceeds (7 cents!) to the Red Cross.

I realyze that i only acheived 1/357th of your goal, but, in my defense, I am only 1/357th functional.

Besides, if we just killed all the huracanes, we wouldn't have problems like this. we shood extinkt them.

At September 02, 2005 4:35 PM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

You are of course right Michael. No liberal I have ever encountered has even been able to walk and chew gum at the same time.

At September 02, 2005 5:37 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

edgar k. alren: You are questioning my orders after already having followed them? I'm sure you think you can impress a lot of people by trying to take on one of the "big dogs" of conservatism like me; But trust me, it's not worth it.

bushcheney08: I'm glad you gave what you could. Now I will ask you never to return here again for not being able to donate a sufficient amount of money.

At September 02, 2005 5:39 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

giovanni: Of course I'm right, this is like saying "the sky is blue" or "liberals are all godless homosexuals."

At September 02, 2005 6:52 PM, Blogger Edgar K. Aldren said...

I did not question your orders. I was simply stating facts. Liberal hippies are vermon and communists are scum! Both groups have invaded the Red Cross and use it for their own nefarious ends. If you are truly a "big dog of conservatism"(which I beleve you are) you would know this. The UN is also full of Godless hippie liberal pigs that are sucking hellfire and damnation from the teets of Satan! I just wanted to let you know that I am with you sir!

At September 02, 2005 7:42 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

edgar k. aldren: I would be happy to count you among my followers as long as you can keep your insolent tone under control.

At September 02, 2005 7:46 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

I must admit I was a little taken aback by your command, but I followed it unquestioningly. Now I see the light as Repent America explains:

We must help and pray for those ravaged by this disaster, but let us not forget that the citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long. May this act of God cause us all to think about what we tolerate in our city limits, and bring us trembling before the throne of Almighty God.

[God] sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

From the devastation may a city full of righteousness emerge.

At September 02, 2005 9:55 PM, Blogger BushCheney08 said...

fake bushcheney08: you had two spelling mistakes in your post, the correct spelling is hurricanes and extinct.

Micheal Gregory Steele: Im sure your aware of the story of the old woman begger who gave all she had, which was a small peice of currency equal to half a penny, compared to the rich men who gave to the temples in large amounts but nowhere near all they had. Jesus said that since the old lady gave all she had, she gave more than the rich men did. I have donated 50 dollars (which was my entire allowance for this month) to the people suffering in new orleans.

So its not about how much you give, but how much you give compared to how much you own (I dont know if that came out right.)

At September 02, 2005 10:23 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

bushcheney08: So you're trying to challange me to a Scripture fight? Well perhaps you're familiar with Matthew 6:1-3. Oh you aren't, well then allow me to refresh you memory:

Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give alms, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by men. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

So, mr. "I donated $50" consider yourself offically schooled. Don't challange a moral authority such as myself with scripture, you will only embarass yourself.

At September 03, 2005 2:55 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Yeah, BushCheney08.

I donated a lot more than you, but you don't see me bragging about it. That's because I'm a better Christian than you, than all of you, except Herman and Michael.

At September 03, 2005 12:25 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: Yes, I agree, you are in fact a better Christian than most. I would like to commend you for your righteousness.

At September 04, 2005 6:18 PM, Blogger BushCheney08 said...

This is getting way out of hand.

At September 05, 2005 4:01 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

BushCheney08: The Bible is out of hand to you?! Why don't you change your name to FristHagel08 if you feel so strongly about destroying our nation with your blasphemy. I have my doubts that you are even BushCheney08. I think we have a liberal in our midst.

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