Chavez Plays With Hellfire

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has got a lot of nerve. The communist leader has long thumbed his nose at America and her freedoms, but this time Chavez has taken things too far. Instead of just verbally assaulting America from afar, Hugo has decided to make things personal by continually insulting our President during his recent visit here to the United States.

In fact, while making his address to the U.N. in New York last week, Chavez used the opportunity to cement his reputation as the Hispanic Howard Dean:

"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said, referring to Bush, who addressed the world body during its annual meeting Tuesday. "And it smells of sulfur still today."

I actually watched the footage on TV while Chavez made these incendiary remarks. One thing I noticed though is that Chavez never actually called Bush “the devil” during his speech, but instead referred to him as “el Diablo.” After spending years listening to the incomprehensible gibberish spewed by my gardeners I can recognize Spanish when I hear it and this little moronic diatribe was made in Spanish.

Look, if you’re going to cross the Mexican border, like Chavez presumably did en route from Venezuela, and come to this country you’d better know how to speak the language. Now I’m sure Hugo knew pretty far in advance that he would be addressing the U.N. here in the good old U.S. of A. He had plenty of notice. He could have at very least learned a few English words so that when he spat on everything we stand for, he could do it in our native tongue. If you’re going to insult the President of the United States on American soil, at least have the decency not to do it in Spanish.

Now let’s move on to the actual substance of Chavez’s remarks. Again, he called President Bush, a leader hand-picked by the Almighty, Satan. Unbelievable! But this just begs the question, why would the Lord pick His greatest foe to rule over His favored nation? The whole thing just defies common sense.

Another point to consider is that the devil would have great difficulty climbing the ranks within the Republican Party, the party of God and moral values. Maybe he could get elected to a local post like county commissioner but certainly not president. I think it’s quite clear that if Satan ever wanted to find himself in the White House, he’d have to do so with a “(D)” after his name. Even then it would be quite a struggle for Beelzebub to make it through the Democratic Party primary with all those far-left liberal delegates questioning whether he’s truly evil enough to represent the Democratic Party.

But all of this talk about Satan’s presidential prospects is taking me away from my main point – Hugo Chavez is a godless communist who made a tremendous error in judgment by insulting President Bush. It would be wise for Mr. Chavez to keep a lower profile and keep his Spanish-speaking mouth shut. If Chavez continues to taunt us, he may leave America no choice but to unleash a devastating wave of freedom and democracy upon his nation. I also think it’s high time that Hugo Chavez learned a few words of English. Maybe, just maybe, he could begin by slowly and carefully sounding out the word “sorry.”

My Lord Is Not Huggable!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

There is a very dangerous children’s toy currently on the market and that I wanted to make all the parents out there aware of it. Just because this particular toy doesn’t present a choking hazard that doesn’t mean it can’t irreparably harm your child. In fact, this toy could be more dangerous to your child than a plastic bag filled with razor blades. I’m talking about a Bible quoting and “huggable” version of My Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Initially when I heard about this talking plush Jesus doll I was quite excited. I was even going to write a post suggesting to all my readers that they go out and buy a Jesus doll for their daughters (and Jesus Christ action figures for their sons if they were available). But when I delved further into this I made a startling discovery. I found that this doll was not the Jesus that I know and love but something far more insidious.

First of all, this doll sends kids the message that it’s ok to hug any unshaven man who uses as rope as a belt when he says things like “I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life.” I think having this doll in my house could potentially undermine the Steele family policy of not hugging homeless hippie pedophiles.

The second problem I have with this doll is how he looks. To understand what I mean, first I would ask all of you to take a moment and look at the picture of this stuffed abomination above. Notice the doll’s dark skin, his dread-locked hair, and the fact that he looks as though he would be quite adept at Frisbee or hacky sack. Now compare this to the picture of Jesus you have on your wall at home. See what I mean? Jesus should look like a beaming blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis, not some hippie with poor hygiene and a vacant glassy stare.

Do you see where I’m going with this yet? Of course you don’t. What I’m trying to say is that this is not a stuffed representation of the Jesus we all know and love. This is not the Jesus that hates sodomites, loves unfettered free market capitalism, and supports the War on Terror. This doll is a false idol of a false god created by liberals who want to undermine our Christian faith. These liberal nonbelievers co-opted Christ and remade him in their own twisted image. They created a pseudo-Jesus who preaches tolerance toward all, respect for women, and a concern for the poor. I hate this so-called Christ with every fiber of my being.

If this doll were an accurate representation of the angry vengeful God I know then no child would want to hug or play with it. If my son, Michael Jr., had a real Jesus doll then he would cower at the very sight of it. Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll. The child should fear and respect their Jesus doll, not love it and cuddle it as if it were a damned teddy bear. It is for these reasons that I’m urging parents not to buy one of these dolls for your child. If you wish to be a responsible Christian parent you need to make sure that your child views the Lord not as his “bestest snuggle buddy” but as the one thing standing between him and eternal torment in Hell.