Friday, September 09, 2005

Arnold's Comeback

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It was truly something to behold when California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ran in the 2003 recall election. He won the hearts of voters and got himself elected on a platform of fiscal conservatism and movie catchphrases. Jay Leno's audience cheered as Arnold directed an "hasta la vista, baby" at embattled former govenor Gray Davis. The rest, as they say, is history.

Well, there isn't much applause for the Republican govenor these days. With an approval rating at about 36%, he's in serious need of a bump. In an effort to appeal to social conservatives like myself, Arnold has promised to veto a gay marriage bill that was passed by the state legislature.

He said that allowing this bill to pass would conflict with the will of the people. He's right too, because California passed a voter initiative 5 years ago that prevents California from recognizing gay marriages from other states or countries. I ask you, is it better to allow elected officials to make these decisions or should such weighty matters be determined by the ability of Christian groups to mobilize voters for an initiative. It is certainly the later.

But Arnold needs to do more than please Christian Conservatives to keep his job. So I offer to him the following catchphrases that he can use when talking about his principled veto. Hopefully he will be able win over the hearts of the voters once again.
  • Sorry, homosexuals, but you've just been Godomized!
  • I like my fights mano a mano and my marriages man sans man.
  • Queer the way for Governor Arnold, homo destroyer.
  • I've been sent from the future to protect marriage.
  • Don't be such a girlie man... or at very least don't attempt to marry another girlie man.
  • If it breeds we can marry it.
  • You homos need to spend more time "pumping up" and less time "pumping guys in the butt."
I truly hope Gov. Schwarzenegger sees fit to use one of my catchphrases. I am very heartened to see this self-described moderate trying to put himself on the path of righteousness. I just hope he follows my sage advice. If he follows up this veto with the right catchphrase, this could be the political comeback Arnold has been looking for.


At September 09, 2005 3:52 PM, Blogger TheMoney&TheFame said...

Seriously, because you know, it's all about the catch phrase!
The right catch phrase will put a smile all over the faces of the 64% who think he's doing a shitty job right away. It'll be great when he picks one. OMG- the right one, ala "Bring it on!" (What a classic!!!!) or "Don't mess with Texas", will take him right to Washington. And what could be more American than an Austrian born President!

At September 09, 2005 4:06 PM, Anonymous cindy said...

You guys are the funniest Republicants/conservatives I've ever come across. Funnier than my father-in-law who said Bush is a genius and totally in charge of everything. Do you sell what you write? B/c I want to frame it and put it up on the wall and give it to friends at Christmas. Comedy gold. And you bio pictures make you look oh so loverly. That photoshop artist is a god. Oops, sorry! xoxo

At September 09, 2005 4:23 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

themoney&thefame: If you have so little respect for the process that you can't see how catchphrases fit into the electoral process I don't know why I should waste my time talking to you.

cindy: I couldn't even begin to respond to this.

At September 09, 2005 5:20 PM, Anonymous cindy said...

You don't know how to respond b/c your caveman brain is smaller than your caveman penis. Must make adultery as difficult and embarrasing as your attempt at punditry.

At September 09, 2005 8:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

cindy, maybe you shouldn't post when under the influence of your monthly cycle.

At September 10, 2005 2:33 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Michael, I'm not sure you caught it, but this hateress snuck in a pagan symbol for lesbianism. xoxo

This is why she hates the Honorable Governor Schwarzenegger, because even with the male hormone treatments she still can't build the perfect hard glistening body that the Lord Jesus Christ bestowed on the Governator.

Obviously if Governor Schwarzenegger follows your advice his popularity will increase exponentially. I have sent him an email with your advice as we are very close. I'm in touch with his office on a daily basis.

At September 10, 2005 10:14 AM, Blogger scribe said...

OK, now you're just trying too hard.

At September 10, 2005 11:24 PM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

Ahnold was forced to play along with the large hedonist population in California to get elected, but I know why he did it-he knows that God sent him to California to prevent the decadence. Otherwise God may well have to slide it off into the ocean. So let's all wish the Governor all the luck he needs to clean up the evil.

At September 11, 2005 6:43 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Hey Mikey I have a catchphrase for you: "Michael Gregory Steele - I may be wearing a pink thong and thigh high stockings...but at least I married a chick.

At September 11, 2005 11:26 PM, Blogger Gayle said...

...and before someone points it out, I know I how ridiculous is spelled. I also know ridiculous when I see it. "Michael Gregory Steele"? The name even sounds phony.

At September 12, 2005 7:11 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

cindy: Why don't you get a clue. As for your caveman comment, I don't take it too personally as you are obviously brainwashed by the "evolutionary scientists." The only cavemen that aren't a figment of some godless unbeliever's imagination are those muslim cave dwellers like bin Laden.

kirk: Yes, the more I read from this Cindy person the more I understand that she reprensents everything I hate.

At September 12, 2005 7:18 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

m.r.: I don't think I will dignify this with a response. Well, actually I'll dignify it with a short one: You're an idiot.

gayle: Do you see me going around bragging about what words I can spell correctly? No, because that's pretty pointless. Though we're all very proud of your spelling abilities.

Now, working on your tip that my name is "phony" I checked it out, and you're right. My full name is:
Michael Gregory Joseph Steele

I have two middle names much like former President Bush. But I think using all four names is a bit pretentious.

At September 12, 2005 7:38 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Bi-curious closet liberal democrat seeks dominant Chuck Heston type with rubber fetish for discreet affair and roleplaying - Contact Michael Gregory Steele.

At September 13, 2005 12:08 PM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

Michael Gregory Steele-a true Conservative intellectual that is still approachable by the common man. An absolute inspiration to us all.

We appreciate your unpretentiousness, and just wish the Limousine Liberal crowd would educate themselves via your fine example.

At September 13, 2005 9:42 PM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

I was so happy when I read about Governer Arnold vetoing that sinful bill.

Now if only he could get the Cali state legislature to ban it instead.

At September 14, 2005 1:35 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

m.r.: You are without a doubt the one person I did not miss while on my mission. You digust me as always.

conservative patriot: Michael is a humble man of the people who, like myself, isn't afraid to take on the burdensome role of moral leader of the usaved masses. It is good that you appreciate all that we do for you.

At September 14, 2005 1:37 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

giovanni: Why even bother? It will just be stuck down as "unConstitutional" by some activist judge who thinks limiting the rights of a group is wrong. These idiot judges are ruining everything.

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