Friday, December 08, 2006

George W. Bush "Elite Force Aviator"

by Herman B. Hayes

Christmas time is here again, readers, and this year the selection of toys to give your children is better than ever.

It is important to only give your little ones toys that are pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, and we at Conservatives for American Values will help you make the right choices. God will be judging you based on your Jesus-Day decisions, so choose well. The toy below is sure to make God happy, and also should please your children.

The George W. Bush “Elite Force Aviator” twelve inch action figure is my favorite toy this Christmas-Holy-Jesus-Day.

Imagine the delight on your child’s face as they imagine their beloved President making a perfect landing on the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier. We all know that President “Splash One Bandit” Bush is a real American fighting man, but sometimes this is a hard concept to get across to our children. It may surprise you to know that your kids have no idea that our brave President made not one, not two, but seven bombing runs on Iraqi targets before making that feather-perfect landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln. As we all remember, President Bush then informed the world that the fight in Iraq was over, and that he had accomplished the mission.

After taking off from the carrier, he then attacked three more targets, this time striking the terrorists that instantly, and unexpectedly, sprung up in the wake of his victory declaration.

With his F-15 badly damaged and burning furiously our Brave Bush ditched his aircraft into the Persian Gulf, just to see what it was like to cut-and-run. He vowed never to cut and run again. Since that day our Unwavering Commander has spent every free moment personally fighting the terrorists in Iraq. Some foolish liberals think that when our President takes a vacation, he is actually going to relax. Not so, as we good conservatives know.

President “I am Gonna Kill Em All, Laura” Bush never rests, and he never will until the last terrorist in Iraq is dead at his rough and manly hands.

Your child needs to know that someone out there is keeping them safe. I know, it took me almost a week to calm my children down after they found out that Democrats are going to control Congress. Our kids need a hero, and George W. Bush is that man. I imagine they will come out with an entire line of George W. Bush action figures, and I cannot wait to give them to my children, even the girls. I hope to see these ones in the near future:

George W. Bush, Navy Seal: This toy would come with a little piece of rope that your offspring could use to silently garrote a “Jihad Joe” terrorist action figure, or a Barbie who got a little bit too lippy, and tipped of some Jihadist to Bush’s mission.

George W. Bush, Green Beret Sniper: Envision your child’s delight when he imagines being the spotter for our Most Accurate President when he drops a terrorist, or at least someone with a turban, from 2,000 yards out. Press the button on the back of the toy, and your child will get a greeting from the President himself. My favorite is “You gotta kill em, there, kid, or they will kill you when you go try to go poo-poo here.”

George W. Bush, S.W.A.T. Officer: Your eyes will well up with parental pride when you hear your son yelling “Get on the ground, Mohammed, or whatever, you twitch, you die, terrorist scumbag!!!” Your child will spend hours and hours with George, kicking down doors, and shoving the optional “Terror-Toy Muslim Family” figures into the S.W.A.T. van and taking them off to Guantanamo.

Our Great Leader has been keeping America safe since Vietnam, when he defended the skies of the Great American South from a planned Viet Cong incursion. Let George W. Bush help you have a Merry Christmas this year, and let him defend your children’s bedrooms from the “imaginary” Muslims lurking in the closet.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:
I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”
First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)
Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.

Friday, December 01, 2006

God’s Top Three Pet Peeves

by Herman B. Hayes

The Good Lord Our Holy God is really getting annoyed with most of you.

Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool. There are, at a minimum, three sins that you must avoid at all costs.

One: Sex that you enjoy.

If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell. Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring. God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth. God did not say that we should go forth and enjoy having sex while multiplying. Any sexual release, other than the male orgasm, is considered by God to be even worse than killing hobos for sport, which is highly frowned upon. Married couples should not enjoy sex, because that is not what God intended. I am not often so frank with you, readers, but you need to understand this message. The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris. I happen to refer to it as “The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever. Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn that may be born through such tainted love-making.

Two: Supporting the Liberal Agenda of Satan.

This major pet-peeve of God is harder to define than the intercourse issue. Satan’s agenda comes in many forms, and you can only rely on Michael and myself to guide your path. First, as I hope you know by now, anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord. I do not mean Voldemort, you idiotic heathens. Try to put aside your carnal lust for Harry Potter for a moment, could you? The only book you need is The Holy Bible. The Bible, when properly read, states that it is harder for a liberal to pass in to heaven than it is for a drunken young girl to live through an encounter with Ted Kennedy. That is pretty difficult, since Ted Kennedy is to nubile, inebriated females what black holes are to light and matter. Remember, anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot, and even considering these ideas will damn you to the deepest reaches of the fire-filled-pit of demonized Democrats.

Three: Selling your Lord for the modern equivalent of thirty pieces of silver.

So, are you a little short on money this winter? First, stop being a lazy and worthless simpleton, and get a better job. If that fails, though, and you still need to heat the house, there is an option. Citgo is offering heating oil for 40% off this winter. There is only one problem with this oil: It is the lubrication that Satan will use to sodomize you in Hell. The Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez, is selling oil to Citgo at this bargain basement price because the Devil himself demanded it. Do you really want to heat your home with the putrefied souls of the damned? This “cheap” oil is laced with chemicals that cause terrible illness in humans, but help to moisturize and refresh the skin of demons. I for one prefer to heat my home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. Joe Kennedy, notorious henchman of the President of Hell and longtime Democrat, is the mouthpiece for this Satanic attack on your home. If you would not let lice-ridden Gypsies inside to steal your children, don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease.

My message is a simple one: If you cross the line, God will not welcome you back into the fold. It does not matter if you are an “innocent” child, or a withered, tube-riddled old bag of flesh. God does not love you by default. You must work each and every day not to cross God. If you sin, you burn, and that is the gospel truth. Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?