Monday, October 17, 2005

A Holy Vision and a New Beginning

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Please forgive me if I ramble a bit; I've been up since 3 o'clock this morning working on redesigning this blog to better please the Lord. While I went to bed last night determined never to blog again, God had different plans for me.

Jesus Christ himself took time out of his busy schedule to visit me in a dream, and he gave me the sign that I had been praying for. He told me that I was special, and that I had a responsibility above all others to preach His word. These were things that I was already well aware of though. This is the same thing Jesus whispers into my ear every time I partake in Holy Communion. "You're special" he'll say as the bread touches my tongue. "Amen," I'll whisper back, "Amen."

But last night he told me something truly amazing -- He spoke to me of what His plans for this blog really are.
Do you accept that the Bible is my divinely inspired word, Michael?
Certainly, Lord, only a moron would think otherwise.
And do you think I haven't had anything new to say for the past 1,500 years?
Of course not, but what does this have to do with me?
Your blog must be a continuation of my word. You cannot stop posting to it, because I have many more lessons to teach to my children. I have much to say on many matters including my abhorrence of homosexuals and the inequity of the current progressive tax system.
I understand, Lord, and I will continue this blog as you command.
I awoke from this holy vision to see that I had scrawled something in a notepad while still asleep. While in this divine trance I had written down God's holy plan for this blog -- a grand plan to redesign and refocus this blog to better serve Him.

This plan includes giving better voice to people like Dr. James Dobson, who speaks for God above all. You see, this blog isn't a merely a repository of divinely inspired opinion pieces, but the start of a spiritual revolution. Do not fear, my faithful followers, this is not the end, but instead it is a new beginning.


At October 17, 2005 2:49 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Frist! Oops, wrong blog.

MGS, you are the greatest! I prayed all weekend that this, the best written blog out there, would not perish from the earth. Keep the faith!

At October 17, 2005 3:55 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

blue gal: Yes, it is clear that this blog is as indispensable to God as it is to you.

I would also like to thank the rest of my many followers for their kind and encouraging words. Ultimately you didn't affect my decision to continue blogging one bit, but the praise was nice to hear nonetheless.

At October 17, 2005 5:41 PM, Blogger bkwrd_dog said...

"I awoke from this holy vision to see that I had scrawled something in a notepad while still asleep.

Does God know html?

At October 17, 2005 7:21 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

M.G.S. - "...this blog isn't merely a repository of divinely inspired pieces,...". So true. It's more of a suppository. You've been shoving these asinine thoughts up reader's butts for quite a while now.

By the way, tell God for me that I find his concern for the current progresive tax system very touching.

I Love the new look of the blog by the way.

At October 17, 2005 8:10 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

What an absolutely glorious month this has been! God has had an even more direct hand in my life than usual and this newest development really connects the dots for me. My order of Bibles for our new church had been delayed and I was furious, but now I know it was God’s will as there is no longer a need for them since I will be teaching straight from your Holy Blog! This may be a silly question, but since you are now clearly a prophet, will this make me an apostle?

Praise Jesus and the Prophet Michael!

At October 17, 2005 8:10 PM, Blogger scribe said...

Sometimes parody exhausts itself.

At October 17, 2005 8:36 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

bkwrd_dog: What does the word omnicient mean anything to you, smart guy?

m.r.: I redesigned this blog in part to attempt to trick you. I was hoping you'd visit this site and think you'd typed in the wrong url. Hopefully after trying the same web address about 12 times, you'd give up and never return again. I suppose that was just wishful thinking on my part.

At October 17, 2005 8:43 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

kirk: That is really for the best. You see, God used the best people he could as tools to author the Bible. I unlike some of the more inept transcribers of the Bible will be clear and unequivocal in my posts. There will be no room for "interpretation" here.

I also might be able to put in a word for you to make you an apostle. No promises though.

scribe: You seem to think it is my job to entertain you. I assure you it is not. Why don't you spin around until you make yourself dizzy? That should be fun for you and will keep me from having to read any more of your asinine comments.

At October 17, 2005 9:31 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

God does know HTML. God knows everything. Please reference the above response written by my esteemed collaborator. God does move in mysterious ways. Mysterious to you, that is, not to us.

At October 17, 2005 11:10 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Herman, reading your comment brought tears to my eyes. I thought you might have gone away. Thank God you are here, too. And that you know God and HTML. You and MGS know both far better than I. Oh, and Photoshop, too! I am sooo impressed with your firsthand knowledge of Photoshop. I saw Newt Gingrich on C&L, er, I mean, CNN, and he reminded me faintly of you but without the intellect.

At October 18, 2005 4:08 PM, Blogger scribe said...


This blog was vaguely amusing for a few weeks but the constant and heavey-handed parody of neo-cons has wound down to nothingness. You peaked with the hurricane stuff. Now it's just pathetic.

At October 18, 2005 4:44 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Michael, what is a neo-con? I thought you didn't allow non-Christian splinter groups to post here. Scribe seems like quite an expert in how to be boring.

At October 18, 2005 5:33 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

scribe: Well, gosh, I guess I'll stop begging you to read every new post I write. I'm just so desperate for your approval that maybe I try a little too hard to please you.

Well, actually I never read your blog because I have no interest in what you have to say. I suggest you take a similar tact with mine.

At October 18, 2005 5:38 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

I've heard this term "neoncon" also, but no one has ever told me what it means. Scribe sounds bitter that the Lord overlooked him yet again. The Lord does that a lot with filthy heathens… up until he utterly destroys them with diesease.

At October 18, 2005 5:41 PM, Anonymous Conservative Patriot said...

Lord Be Praised! As a mere mortal somewhat weaker of mind than our hosts, I chose not to offer any advice, as my advice ouls certainly have been of the inferior variety. I knew that the Lord would lead Michael to the right path, and He did!

Scribe, sadly, is the real parody here-a parody of himself. When the only thing you have to say, post after post, is "you suck," the temptation is to offer you a cracker and ask you if your cage needs cleaning. Time for you to go away, scribe-you have turned away from The Lord, and even worse, you are at best a milquetoast example of the blind liberal. A fiery liberal is much better for contrast purposes.

At October 18, 2005 5:42 PM, Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Thank goodness you stayed-I need your example handy to direct my readers to when I'm explaining what it is we're fighting.

At October 18, 2005 6:25 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Scribe: Don't kid yourself. The Lord not only overlooked you, but is plotting against you. Even if you liberals get your way, a vaccine won't help you now.

At October 19, 2005 3:50 AM, Blogger lee said...

We're sorry, but you cannot have God.

There are many of us true Christians who believe that He would not bless violent aggression, regardless of the rationale. There are many of us who don't need God's name in our national songs, on our currency or in the halls of our government buildings, in order to affirm our faith, and we don't believe He cares too much about that either.
We do not believe our President when he claims to receive direction from God. God has no political ideology. Many of us believe that He will not look kindly on those who use His name for that purpose.

At October 19, 2005 3:59 AM, Blogger lee said...

read hypocrisy today:
Next time you hear the phrase "sanctity of marriage," remember these Republican leaders:
Blowhard Rush Limbaugh - about to make it a total of six divorces between him and his current wife, Marta.
GOP Chairman Jim Stelling - married five times, not six.
South Carolina Representative John Graham Altman - three divorces.
Georgia Senator Bob Barr - not yet 50 years old, on his third marriage, author of the "Defense of Marriage Act" (which marriage are you defending??), "pro-life" but paid for his (ex?)-wife's abortion without complaint, photographs show him licking whipped cream off the breast of a stripper, lied under oath about adulterous sex during a 1986 deposition, dumped second wife Gail and their two sons (ages 5 and 4) just before Thanksgiving in 1985.
Bernard Kerik - fathered a daughter with a South Korean woman, deserted her and her mother in 1976, had two extramarital affairs at the same time during his third marriage.
George Roche III - twice divorced after long affair with his son's wife, who killed herself over the matter.
Rudy Giuliani - twice divorced, at least once for "notorious adultery."
Bob Dole - on third marriage, had at least two extramarital affairs, does not know or care about his daughter.
Guy Milner - on third marriage.
John Warner - twice divorced.
John Tower - twice divorced.
Beverly Russell (a man) - broke up a marriage, resulting in the husband's suicide, molested his step-daughter, Susan Smith, who went on to kill her own children.
Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich - repeatedly unfaithful, including during the Lewinsky scandal, when he spoke frequently of "family values," divorced the mother of his children, who was dying of cancer.
Bush FDA nominee David Hager - divorced after allegedly sodomizing his wife against her will.
Jack Ryan - divorce after pressuring his hot wife to have sex in public.
Joe Scarborough - divorced, forced to resign after an intern was found dead in his office.
Steve LaTourette - divorced mother of his four children after affair revealed.
Jim Bunn - divorced the mother of his five children, re-married, and put his new wife on the state payroll for $97,500.
Tim Hutchinson - family-values Republican, divorced the mother of his three sons.
Ronald Reagan - divorced the mother of his children after several affairs.
George Will - divorced mother of his child after affair.
Helen Chenoweth - divorced, had affairs with married men.
Michael Huffington - divorced, cheated on his wife, with men.
Laura Schlessinger - divorced, had an affair, slept with a married man.
John McCain - divorced after affair.
John McKay - divorced after affair with a lobbyist.
Thatcher Longstreth - divorced after 60 years of marriage to marry younger woman.
Gordon Shadburne - divorced, called homosexuality "the stronghold of Satan," used public money to have all manner of homosexual fun himself.
Rupert Murdoch - divorced after affair.
Jim West - divorced, anti-gay Republican caught trolling on, accused of molesting boys.
Bush nominee for UN Ambassador John Bolton - divorced after his wife was allegedly forced to have group sex.
Phil Gramm - divorced.
Dick Armey - divorced.
Pete Wilson - divorced.
John Engler - divorced.
Lauch Faircloth - divorced.
Dan Schaefer - divorced.
Susan Molinari - divorced.
Nelson Rockefeller - divorced.
Henry Kissinger - divorced.
Kay Bailey Hutchison - divorced.
Ben Nighthorse Campbell - divorced.
Mitch McConnell - divorced.
John Kasich - divorced.
Robert K. Wilson - divorced.
Kit Bond - divorced.
Alfonse D'Amato - divorced.
George Allen - divorced.
Bonnie Martinez - divorced.
Jim Oberweis - divorced.
John Schmitz - fathered two out-of-wedlock children with a student, daughter is Mary Kay LeTourneau, teacher twice impregnated by a 13-year-old boy.
Strom Thurmond - never acknowledged illegitimate child with 16-year-old housekeeper.
Christopher Buckley - affair results in illegitimate child.
Dan Burton - constantly propositioned women, succeeded and fathered a child out of wedlock during an extramarital affair.
John Hathaway - champion of "family values," allegedly had sex with his children's 12-year-old baby sitter.
Bill Janklow - accused of rape by 15-year-old babysitter for Janklow family.
Jon Matthews - being investigated by police for alleged indecency with a child.
Don Sherwood - affair revealed when he attempted to choke his mistress to death.
Henry Hyde - major Clinton accuser, had 5-year affair with married woman, destroying her marriage.
Jim Bakker - adultery with Jessica Hahn.
Bob Livingston - resigned as Speaker of the House for having affair.
David Schippers - brought his mistress of 25 years to impeachment hearings he worked on, had 10 children with his wife of 45 years, who he called "his one and only sweetheart," is one of a few hundred "papal knights," told the New Republic that adultery is a mortal sin.
Sol Wachtler - longterm affair while married, threatened to kidnap mistress's daughter.
Mike Trout - cheated on his wife.
Elizabeth Dole - slept with a married man.
Judith Regan - slept with a married man.
Arnold Schwarzennegger - groped women while married.
Bill O'Reilly - filthy conversation with an intern while married.
Thank you Jami for the above list. Go to the "chickenhawks" website to see
how they fair as warriors. Hypocrisy abounds.

At October 19, 2005 12:42 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Lee says:

God has no political ideology.

That’s an odd statement. It is quite clear that He would be a Republican because His word talks about morality not liberal debauchery and smear campaigns.

At October 19, 2005 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lee, I hope you didn't expect everyone to read that long-winded comment. Most people are going to read the first few lines, figure out that it's a load of crap and skip to the next one.

I'm just telling you so that you don't waste all your precious liberal time.

In the future, you should keep your comments short, so it won't be such a waste when everyone ignores them.

At October 19, 2005 4:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to know what scribe thinks but I only get 30 seconds to read his comments before they're deleted.

At October 19, 2005 6:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just kidding. No one wants to know what that tool thinks.

At October 19, 2005 6:35 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

anonymous: There's nothing I hate more than indecisiveness. Make up your mind, flip-flopper.

At October 20, 2005 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let him speak you tools of the establishment!!!

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