Monday, June 06, 2005

Moral Mailbox: Talking To Your Kids About Sex

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I seem to have hit a nerve with my Rainbow Party post, because I received a panicked email from a mother about it this morning. Her question is subject of the moral mailbox this week:

I read about the rainbow parties and I'm concerned that my son will go to an orgy. I want my kid to be safe, how should I talk to him about sex? I just don't know what to do, please help. - Ann

This question reminds me of the day that Michael Jr. brought home a note from his school. I had broken that rambunctious will of his long ago, so I was confused. How could he have gotten himself into trouble? But he wasn't misbehaving, it was a note about his school's sexual education (indoctrination) program.

I knew I had to act fast, so I called my son into the den so we could have the dreaded sex talk. I had him take a seat on the couch next to me, and I opened up a book to show to him. This was medical tome about infectious diseases complete with pictures. I made sure he saw every picture in that book. "No, Michael Jr, don't turn your head; you need to see what happens if you don't abstain from sex."

It can be hard being a good parent sometimes.

I based my sex talk on what works, abstinence-only education. The infinitely wise President George W. Bush has pushed for abstinence programs to be taught in all our schools. This means bringing up contraceptives only to talk about their lack of effectiveness and failure rates.

Liberals try to argue that these programs are actually highly ineffective. Many of these same godless hippies also complain about the misleading and inaccurate information included in many of these abstinence-only curriculums. My take is that overstating the danger is the only way to instill a healthy fear of sex in our children. Our children aren't frightened nearly enough, and that's something that we need to correct.

Here are some statistics to help scare your child into never having sex:
  • Condoms are only 12% effective if not used correctly, and 8% effective if used correctly.
  • 92% of children who have premarital sex end up with the deadly combination of genital warts, gonorrhea, and blindness.
  • Taking birth control increases the likelihood of pregnancy by about 85%.
  • God gets 114% angry at those who have sex.
Remember, Ann, if you handle this sex talk correctly, your child will have a strong aversion to sex for many years to come.

Send your own moral queries to: The Moral Mailbox.


At June 07, 2005 2:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is an amusing blog. Great stuff. But what is scary are comments that agree with you guys! Those are the people to watch out for. LOL

At June 07, 2005 2:59 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes said...

Yes, it's alway amusing to laugh at the folly of liberals and the devils they worship.

At June 17, 2005 12:36 PM, Blogger Ewen said...

You guys are right! Abstinence does work! For sure it does, that's why you have so many pregnant teens.

You people are idiots.

At June 17, 2005 2:22 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes said...

Either your first sentence is an ironic statement and you are employing sarcasm or you have just made two contradictory statements. It is very difficult for me to tell.

At June 14, 2006 3:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope this is a joke, because this is seriously retarded--and i mean that in a very sincere way.
I wont waste my time writing much here, as this site is obviously not worth it, however I will point out the most obvious lunacy: "Condoms are only 12% effective if not used correctly, and 8% effective if used correctly."
Obviously the person who wrote this article didn't pass the first grade. According to that statistic, condoms are actually MORE effective when used incorrectly then when they are used correctly. How friggin absurd. You, sir, I hope get hit by a car!

At June 18, 2006 5:07 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes said...

anonymous: I appreciate the fact that you don't insincerely think that I'm mentally challenged. Because calling me retard insincerely would really hurt my feelings.

Continuing in this spirit, I would like to let you know that I think you're completely morally retarded. And I mean that in a very sincere way. While I hope you don't get hit by a car I do hope God sees fit to strike you down where you stand. Thanks for commenting.

At July 17, 2006 4:24 PM, Blogger helensotiriadis said...

the ones that are offended are pretty scary too.

At July 20, 2006 6:54 PM, Blogger camanokat said...

Well done! Reading the first few essays, I was not sure if it was satire or the product of a couple of right-wing whack jobs.

You guys are hysterical!

At December 02, 2006 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm shocked that some people DON'T UNDERSTAND that this is SATIRE.
Yes, it says that condoms are more effective when used incorrectly. That's because it's a JOKE. as in,

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Obviously incorrect statistics.
Obviously incorrect statistics who?
Obviously incorrect statistics you are a moron if you don't recognize an attempt at humor when you see it.

surely you've heard of jokes before?

At April 15, 2007 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sex is nothing but an evil put on this earth by Satan to distract our minds and putrify our bodies. I was shocked the other day that a womans breast was shown on TV!! Dont you liberal morons know the damage such exposure can bring to small children and even adults. Why I have not been able to stop thinking about that for the last two days!
Now if instead of showing our children womens bosooms, we should give them guns to play with. Guns are much more healthy and far more in keeping with American famlily values!!!

At May 05, 2007 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"God gets 114% angry at those who have sex." This quote does not say God gets made out those who have sex out of marriage. No, it says any sex.
"It can be hard being a good parent sometimes." Children happen when you have sex so... God is 114% angry at you.

At June 15, 2008 6:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The infinitely wise President George W. Bush"?
Are you kidding me?

Also, why someone would make a ridiculous blanket statement that all liberals are "godless hippies" is beyond me.

Did you just make up those statistics yourself? Because I'm pretty sure God didn't call and tell you that "he gets 114% angry".
The rest of those percentages are just pulled out of your ass.

Get a fucking life, and give up your fairy tales.
Aren't you a little old to still have imaginary friends?

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At January 29, 2010 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At January 29, 2010 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At July 06, 2010 4:02 AM, Anonymous Kelly Mae said...

There was soo much wrong with this blog. First, "infinitely wise George W. Bush" Are you insane? Second, The more you cram it down their throats, the more likely they are to rebel, so you need to talk to them, not use scare tactics. My parents tried to make it sound like a terrible thing, I was scared for a little while then all my friends told me my parents were liars. And they were. Sex is AMAZING. Dangerous, yes, if you're uneducated. Tell a teenager that condoms are 12% effective, and most of them won't bother to put one on. This is why Christians shouldn't be allowed to be in charge of sexual education.


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