Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Moral Mailbox: Do I Deserve to Live?

by Herman B. Hayes

We received this very disturbing letter in the Moral Mailbox yesterday, and I felt that it deserved an immediate response. Some things, such as possible homosexual tendencies, cannot be ignored in good conscience.

“Dear Moral mailbox: I shed a tear when I saw that Rick Santorum was going to have the election stolen from him. I have always thought of myself as a manly-man, but I realized that I would miss Rick's smile. Does this make me gay? Do I deserve to live? Does thinking I might be gay make me a liberal? Am I going to Hell?

-Billy in Altoona, Pennsylvania

Well, Billy, it seems like you have a real situation on your hands here. Let me get one thing clear right off the bat: Yes, you are gay. You “would miss” another man’s smile, and that means that you would like to engage in oil-washed intercourse with that man. I am guessing that wanting to have sex with another male makes you gay, right, that is still the definition in this politically correct world? Tell me, when you look at a picture of Rick Santorum, who I will admit is rather handsome, in a man way, do you simply see him as a sexual object for your gratification? I have no doubt that you do.

As for the next part of your letter, concerning whether or not you deserve to live, I think that Jesus would be the best one to answer that. I might be biased.

I am not saying that you should end your life, since that would be wrong, but your fate is already sealed. Why make God wait to judge you. I am sure he would rather get on with things than wait around for a man-luster like you, Billy boy. Jesus will give you his answer when you get to His door, Billy, and I would not keep Jesus waiting if I were you. Your chances are already dim.

No, Billy, I do not think that being gay makes you a liberal. I, personally, am convinced that being liberal will make you gay.

Liberals are all gays, and all gays are liberals. There is no way to avoid this fact. Most liberals are, of course, in the closet about their sexual preferences, and probably always will be. This is, through some act of Satan, how liberals manage to reproduce and keep their species going. Liberals are the only animal on Earth whose very procreation is based on lies and deceit. If a person is born of lies, of course he will choose the political party of liars, drug users, sodomites, pedophiles, and Nancy Pelosi.

Billy, it is not all your fault that you are a closet liberal. Chances are that your parents are, too. You should be happy, at least, that your mother and father got past their feelings for people of the same sex, and created you.

Of course, you should be less than happy that they lied to you, and told you that you were born conservative. Politics is not a lifestyle choice, young man, it is something you are born with. Liberals are a lesser animal, somewhat like a chimpanzee, or maybe a maggot. It is not your fault that you were born a liberal. Actually, it might be good news for you.

Recent research has shown that liberals may be born without souls, Billy, so you might not be going to Hell after all. You need a soul to enter Heaven, or Hell, so you might not go anywhere. In the meanwhile, I still think liberals are going to Hell, the thought just makes me happy. Have hope, Billy, you might just disappear into nothingness, much like your party-of-birth will be doing soon.


At November 16, 2006 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Were you tired when you wrote this blog or something? Maybe I'm tired now, reading it. It's not quite up to par. You're saying liberals don't have souls and hence cannot get into heaven but the past blogs condemn them to hell. Is a little consistancy between the posts too much to ask? I guess so.
-Not Impressed with this one

At November 16, 2006 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meant to say that not having a sould will keep them out of hell. Taking a nap and reading it again later. You better pray that it makes sense this next time.

At November 16, 2006 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

not having a SOUL not sould

At November 16, 2006 4:30 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Personally, Annonymous Idiot, I don't care if you are impressed or not. I state that recent research shows that liberals might not have souls, or sould, as you call them. I did not say that I agree with this research, and of course, anything that I wrote prior to the research would still be true. I, for one, hope liberals have souls just so they can burn in Hell. I hope you have a soul, too, so that you can spend eternity in the fire-filled pit for annoying me.

At November 16, 2006 7:55 PM, Blogger Fran / Blue Gal said...

I just nominated you for a Weblog Award. The "conservative" category has been infiltrated by homos, however, so I subtly suggested that you win for best "humor" blog, because of the way you have to "humor" all these anonymous commenters. God bless.

At November 16, 2006 11:05 PM, Blogger SecondComingOfBast said...

Senator Santorum lost his election, so now Billy fears losing his erection. Be of good faith, Billy, and remember that old saying. Just another pretty face. There are plenty more out there.

And it would have never worked between you and the Senator anyway, if you want to know the truth. It's not so much that you are the wrong sex. You are simply the wrong species.

At November 17, 2006 11:22 AM, Blogger lee said...

Yes, it appears that Chad Conrad Castagana, the man "suspected of mailing more than a dozen threatening letters containing white powder to Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Jon Stewart and other high-profile figures," was a conservative and a commenter on conservative blogs,

We will NEVER forget that these conservatives got us into this bloody mess in Iraq based on lies and deceit. Have a nice day.

At November 17, 2006 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew. Just ew. I am glad we won't have a faggot with us for all etenity. Glory to God and God bless Gilea- er....America!!

At November 18, 2006 12:49 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

The gays are worse than the homosexuals.

At November 18, 2006 7:26 PM, Blogger Alicia Morgan said...

Dear CFAV -

How refreshing to find a blog where they tell it like it is. I'm so tired of the whiny liberal claptrap, and have longed for some 'straight talkin', so to speak. You are my new favorite blog, and I shall certainly direct anyone here whom I feel is in need of moral correction.

At November 19, 2006 4:35 PM, Blogger Yoga Korunta said...

Herman, will I be goin' to Hell for reading Blue Gal?

At December 01, 2006 3:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do not have the moral latitude that Herman or Michael have. However, I know that they know that you have committed a cardinal sin by reading Blue Gal. Say 17 "Hail Marys" by the time you die or you WILL burn in the eternal lake of fire, you liberal queer.

At May 06, 2007 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I annoy my sister alot. Does that mean I am condemned to hell? Ahhh! I am gonna burn in hell even though I believe in the bible.

At May 06, 2007 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because you like people's smile doesn't mean you are a homo. Maybe when you are sad, and you see Rick's smile there is some true sincere thing about it that makes you happy.

At June 24, 2007 4:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you were kidding when you wrote that post! If you were not writing satire and actually meant everything you said, then you should be more worried about YOUR (very small, mean, and petty) soul.

However you meant that post, I got a tremendous laugh out of it. You've made conservative, fascist, fundamentalist nutcases very easy to ridicule. I actually got to this site from the blogroll of a very liberal blogger. I'm assuming she put this site on her blogroll because it amuses her greatly. I intend to ask. Of course, she liked reading DumbGirl's (aka Amy Proctor, BabyJesusButtPlug, et al) blog too.

At least you can spell and write grammatically-correct sentences.

At October 18, 2007 11:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God Hates Fags and Niggers

The Bible is Pro Slavery and Anti Gay.

Lets put all the fags, niggers, Jews, and Spics in a reservation

God bless America
White Power

At November 16, 2007 10:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys are all fucking idiots. When the revolution comes, and it will very soon now, you and your kind will be shot on sight and your bodies will be burned. Nothing will remain of you or your kind, not even memories. I obtained my conceal and carry license yesterday.

May you all go unto a swift and bitter death.

At June 15, 2008 6:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, because you admitted that you think Rick Santorum is "rather handsome", that must make you gay, correct?
Because apparently, you can pass judgment on the entire life of a man you've never met before.

If a man says he will miss another man's smile, he's automatically gay, and is going to hell.

However, if you say that same man is handsome, you're totally straight and no one can argue with you.


Also, recent research on whether or not liberals are born with souls? Are you kidding?
Where do you get these idiotic ideas to say such things?

Go kill yourself.

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