Thursday, September 28, 2006

Santorum Leads in the Poll

by Herman B. Hayes

Santorum is simply crushing his Satanist opponent, Bobby Casey, in the polls. This election is in the bag, folks!

Certain liberal polls, such as those from Zogby, Pew, and Quinnipiac, have Casey in the lead. However, I am sure you have learned by now you simply cannot trust anyone but us, and possibly Fox News, for your political and spiritual information.

We are proud to introduce to you the Conservatives for American Values “Honest-to-God” Poll TM. Now you can get a real look at the issues, from someone you trust.

This week’s poll compares Bobby “Kitten Rapist” Casey and Rick “Jesus really really loves me” Santorum. We polled roughly 1000 people, at “random”, and asked them a series of questions related to the candidates. Our polls, since they are conducted with the help of God, have no rate of sampling error. Here are the results, broken down to appeal to even the most stupid amongst you.

“Do you intend to vote for Mr. Santorum or Mr. Casey, the pedophile, in the upcoming mid-term election?”

72 % of respondents said they would vote for Santorum, who they considered to be a good and honest man with nothing but love in his heart for everyone. 20% stated that they would vote for Casey. Our phone-pollsters reported hearing sounds of satanic worship and possible bestiality in the backgrounds of the calls to Casey supporters. 8% were deemed too dumb to know how to vote, or they had names that sounded Islamic.

“Is Bobby “Lying Jerk” Casey more evil, or is Rick Santorum closer to being God-like?”

The results were very interesting here, and I must admit that I am slightly surprised. 52% of those polled think that Rick Santorum is closer to being God-like than Bobby Casey. However, only 2% claimed that Casey is more evil, even though our pollsters said “Bobby Casey” using a snake-like hiss. 46% of those answering picked options that were not part of the poll, such as “What are you talking about?”, “What kind of question is that?” and “Bob Casey is a good and honorable man, and you should not try to hurt him like this!” Those who answered in a similar manner were reported to mental health agencies in their area, since they are obviously sick, sick people.

“How much do you hate Bobby “I will kill your kids” Casey, or, if you do not hate the candidate, how much do you despise him? Or, if you approve of Casey, why do you like porn and drugs?”

The responses here were a touch confusing. I assume this is because many of those polled simply did not understand the subtle nature of the question. 26% of those polled said that they hate Casey “A lot”, “tons”, or “so much I cannot see straight”. Yet another 26% claim to hate Casey “beyond words”, or “more than I could ever say”. The remaining respondents claimed to not hate Bobby “Pass the Weed, Dogg” Casey, and also claimed not to be fans of porn and drugs. Most claimed to like Bobby “Bong-Hit" Casey, as a matter of fact. Now, we know that all liberals are on drugs and are aficionados of pornography. It is not worth trying to lie to the Honest-to-God poll. We know your real opinions, and that is how we will mark your answers.

From what we now know, it is obvious that Bobby “Son of Satan” Casey will be finished this November. Rick Santorum holds a commanding lead in the only poll that matters, and his future is assured.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Chavez Plays With Hellfire

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has got a lot of nerve. The communist leader has long thumbed his nose at America and her freedoms, but this time Chavez has taken things too far. Instead of just verbally assaulting America from afar, Hugo has decided to make things personal by continually insulting our President during his recent visit here to the United States.

In fact, while making his address to the U.N. in New York last week, Chavez used the opportunity to cement his reputation as the Hispanic Howard Dean:
"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said, referring to Bush, who addressed the world body during its annual meeting Tuesday. "And it smells of sulfur still today."
I actually watched the footage on TV while Chavez made these incendiary remarks. One thing I noticed though is that Chavez never actually called Bush “the devil” during his speech, but instead referred to him as “el Diablo.” After spending years listening to the incomprehensible gibberish spewed by my gardeners I can recognize Spanish when I hear it and this little moronic diatribe was made in Spanish.

Look, if you’re going to cross the Mexican border, like Chavez presumably did en route from Venezuela, and come to this country you’d better know how to speak the language. Now I’m sure Hugo knew pretty far in advance that he would be addressing the U.N. here in the good old U.S. of A. He had plenty of notice. He could have at very least learned a few English words so that when he spat on everything we stand for, he could do it in our native tongue. If you’re going to insult the President of the United States on American soil, at least have the decency not to do it in Spanish.

Now let’s move on to the actual substance of Chavez’s remarks. Again, he called President Bush, a leader hand-picked by the Almighty, Satan. Unbelievable! But this just begs the question, why would the Lord pick His greatest foe to rule over His favored nation? The whole thing just defies common sense.

Another point to consider is that the devil would have great difficulty climbing the ranks within the Republican Party, the party of God and moral values. Maybe he could get elected to a local post like county commissioner but certainly not president. I think it’s quite clear that if Satan ever wanted to find himself in the White House, he’d have to do so with a “(D)” after his name. Even then it would be quite a struggle for Beelzebub to make it through the Democratic Party primary with all those far-left liberal delegates questioning whether he’s truly evil enough to represent the Democratic Party.

But all of this talk about Satan’s presidential prospects is taking me away from my main point – Hugo Chavez is a godless communist who made a tremendous error in judgment by insulting President Bush. It would be wise for Mr. Chavez to keep a lower profile and keep his Spanish-speaking mouth shut. If Chavez continues to taunt us, he may leave America no choice but to unleash a devastating wave of freedom and democracy upon his nation. I also think it’s high time that Hugo Chavez learned a few words of English. Maybe, just maybe, he could begin by slowly and carefully sounding out the word “sorry.”

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Democrats Will Let Terrorists Kill You

by Herman B. Hayes

We have elections coming up, and while we have taken steps to make sure they go our way, there is still a chance that some Democrats might slip through the cracks.

This cannot be allowed to happen. Of course, I hate Democrats because of their love of killing babies, their rampant use of drugs, and because they are hoping for God to get cancer and die. These are reasons enough to wish for the eradication of an entire political party. What worries me, though, is how much liberals love terrorists and terrorism in general. The sight of dead American bodies does for Democrats like the sight of naked 12 year old boys does for, well, Democrats.

If we allow the Demon-crats to take control of Congress they will draft legislation that will allow terrorists to come over here and kill us all.

No, I do not have any proof to back up the above statement, however, if you do not trust me by now you are more of a fool than I thought. Liberals want you to die so that they can claim that our Esteemed Leader, President Bush, failed to keep you safe. They will claim that it was the leader of the prior administration that got Americans killed. Republicans would never stoop to the level of blaming that whore Bill Clinton for 9-11, but the liberals will not be so kind.

Do you want to die? Vote for the Democrat Party!

The American-hating liberals use the stupid donkey as their symbol. I used to think this meant that even they thought they were asses, but I am starting to doubt that is the case. Donkeys are pack animals…of death. If you were to be so stupid as to vote for a liberal, you would be inviting a donkey loaded with dynamite and anthrax into your living room. If you love your family you will make sure to vote Republican this November. There is no other way to stay alive. By the way, they will take NASCAR off the air, and replace it with the "Britney Spears Pregnancy and Booze Hour".

You liberals might as well just kill yourselves instead of voting. The end result would be the same, and you would save us a ton of money on the clean-up.

I know that you liberals out there love it when we are attacked by terrorists. If it were up to you, Bin Laden would be named as the head of Homeland Security. Some of us prefer not to be blown into oblivion because you Emo-Crats need something to go home and cry yourselves to sleep over, however. Leave us good God Fearing Republicans alone, please. Why don’t you just move to the Middle East and vote for some terrorist lovers over there?

The issues are simple: Republicans will keep you safe and healthy. Democrats will essentially come to your house, then rape and kill your family while sodomizing your pets and doing crack on your couch. Then they will tax you for their time.

By the way, the image for this post was sent to the Moral Mailbox by a five year old child. This is how he sees Democrats in his dreams. His parents, thank God, are good Republican citizens.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

An Arab Family Has Moved in Next Door

by Herman B. Hayes

My world is no longer safe, dear readers. An Islamic family now lives beside my Christian household.

I will be straight with you, folks. I do not like having my house blown up. I do not like having car bombs going off on my street in the middle of the night. I prefer not to have to hear someone yelling “jihad” every time I walk out to get the paper. I really, really, do not like hearing strange chanting noises multiple times each day. I am not happy about this development in my life, and I am sure you would feel the same way.

Apparently the neighborhood committee thinks that letting brown people move onto my little cul-de-sac of Christian peace is a good idea. What is next, Satanists?

Sure, maybe my views are a little bit old fashioned, but that does not mean that they are wrong. I know that men having sex with men is all the rage right now, for instance, but I have never considered myself to be a trend follower. I am not an inclusive man, and I will go to Heaven for just that reason. Just because Rosie O’Donnell says that each and every Christian should be shot on sight does not mean that I am going to grab one of my many guns and start shooting my children, does it?

I know that Mahmuud is doing something sinister in that “Garage of Terror” that he spends so much time in.

Don’t try to tell me that he is working on his lawn mower, because I know better than that. I am sure that any day now he will be having tons and tons of sand delivered so that he can live in the desert again. A lawn mover will be of little use then, will it not? I bet that he is rigging that self-propelled mower with explosives. It would be easy, then, for him to fire it up and send it on a collision course with the side of my house. I would be even more un-nerved if he had a lawn tractor…he would then make himself the slowest moving suicide bomber ever.

Basketball? It seems like Mahmuud is teaching his children how to make a three-pointer through my kitchen window…with a grenade.

I am unsettled by how this man spends so much time outside with his children. Islamic types don’t play sports, so why is he teaching his children these skills? To kill me and my family, that is why! My kids are great at sports, as all red-blooded Americans are, but I am not sure that I want to send them outside to play defense against a crop of Little-Tyke terrorists. Sure, there could be innocent reasons why an Arab is teaching his children how to play various sports, but I only see the sinister truth behind this family bonding experience. You know what they say over there, right? “The family that kills infidels together stays together for an eternal reward, based on how many Christians they have murdered.”

No good will come of this, I promise you. May Christ save my family, we are going to need it.

Today Mahmuud is building what appears to be a jungle-gym in his back yard. I think that I have seen similar structures in videos of terrorist training camps. Soon he and his brood will be climbing my trellises to attack my home. Worse yet, my wife cannot even borrow cooking ingredients that she has foolishly run out of. We do not eat hummus and falafels in the Hayes household. I am not a big fan of roasted goat heads, either. I like it when my neighbors make my life easier, but I can see that this will not be the case ever again.

I think I would rather have a black family move in next to me. I could always bullet-and-sound proof my house, and at least then my wife could borrow a cup of sugar if need be, but only if she wore her body armor.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

God Demands That We Profit from 9-11

by Herman B. Hayes

As we have seen in the days since the fifth anniversary of September 11th, the liberals and the godless have forgotten about September 11th.

There is a hole in America, and it is called “Ground Zero”. There are sixteen acres of ground there, just waiting for someone to remember the lessons of 9-11, and to remember what America is all about. I know that my fellow conservatives have not forgotten that day, we remember it always, and we try not to let you feeble-minded fools forget either. Why do these acres of hallowed ground stand empty, though?

The liberals are at fault: they want to subvert the true meaning of freedom, and the will of God.

The terrorists are winning each and every day that Ground Zero is not making money. Remember, this was not a Kentucky Fried Chicken that these Islamo-Fascist-Neo-Barbarians slammed planes into. Leaving a smoldering pit of chicken parts and gravy to rot for five years would have been a tragedy, but nothing compared to the shame and sorrow of failing to rebuild that much business space in Manhattan. America is about two things, worshipping God and making money. Ground Zero is a testament to neither of those American ideals, and the thought of it enrages my Lord.

Our Lord hates to see that empty space, especially since it could be filled with offices and other money-making enterprises.

God could care less about the fact that no one put a business on the site of Flight 93’s impact in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Really, what would you put there? “Bubba’s Cow Milking Emporium”? There is no prime capitalist real-estate being wasted there. God remembers the dead, of course, but he realizes that Shanksville is simply not fertile ground for big business, only for corn and white trash. New York is different, though, and it is high time that we came up with a strategy for using 9-11 to our financial advantage.

The Twin Towers were getting a little old, anyhow. Maybe the Jihadist maniacs have given us a golden opportunity.

Remember, if any of this offends you, then you are a godless heathen who is bound directly for Hell. God doesn’t like the weak, the Commies, or you if you are about to start whining about what I am saying. The World Trade Center buildings were not that new, and tearing them down would have cost a ton of money. Now we have the opportunity to build on the ashes of the old using modern methods and technology. We can build a temple to God and Business the likes of which the world has never seen. We must, no matter what the liberals say, build a structure that will bring adding machines and ledger books closer to Our Lord than ever before.

“The Lord Our Holy God Financial-and-Business Center and Ultra-Mega-Church” must be built. There is no other way to make God happy with our money-making endeavors again.

I have been speaking with top Christian-Architects to see what we could create, with God’s help and insistence, where Ground Zero is today. Imagine, if you will, the tallest structure in the world. Now image a 100 story steeple, stretching from the top of that structure, now imagine a 30 story tall cross atop of that. No one could deny the power of Christ then, no one. We would be able to fit more offices and pews in this structure than in any that have come before it, and God would be made glad.

We must build this monument to God, and we must build it in the memory of the thousands of money making saints, and their acolytes, who died on September 11, 2001.

Monday, September 11, 2006

My Lord Is Not Huggable!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

There is a very dangerous children’s toy currently on the market and that I wanted to make all the parents out there aware of it. Just because this particular toy doesn’t present a choking hazard that doesn’t mean it can’t irreparably harm your child. In fact, this toy could be more dangerous to your child than a plastic bag filled with razor blades. I’m talking about a Bible quoting and “huggable” version of My Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Initially when I heard about this talking plush Jesus doll I was quite excited. I was even going to write a post suggesting to all my readers that they go out and buy a Jesus doll for their daughters (and Jesus Christ action figures for their sons if they were available). But when I delved further into this I made a startling discovery. I found that this doll was not the Jesus that I know and love but something far more insidious.

First of all, this doll sends kids the message that it’s ok to hug any unshaven man who uses as rope as a belt when he says things like “I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life.” I think having this doll in my house could potentially undermine the Steele family policy of not hugging homeless hippie pedophiles.

The second problem I have with this doll is how he looks. To understand what I mean, first I would ask all of you to take a moment and look at the picture of this stuffed abomination above. Notice the doll’s dark skin, his dread-locked hair, and the fact that he looks as though he would be quite adept at Frisbee or hacky sack. Now compare this to the picture of Jesus you have on your wall at home. See what I mean? Jesus should look like a beaming blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis, not some hippie with poor hygiene and a vacant glassy stare.

Do you see where I’m going with this yet? Of course you don’t. What I’m trying to say is that this is not a stuffed representation of the Jesus we all know and love. This is not the Jesus that hates sodomites, loves unfettered free market capitalism, and supports the War on Terror. This doll is a false idol of a false god created by liberals who want to undermine our Christian faith. These liberal nonbelievers co-opted Christ and remade him in their own twisted image. They created a pseudo-Jesus who preaches tolerance toward all, respect for women, and a concern for the poor. I hate this so-called Christ with every fiber of my being.

If this doll were an accurate representation of the angry vengeful God I know then no child would want to hug or play with it. If my son, Michael Jr., had a real Jesus doll then he would cower at the very sight of it. Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll. The child should fear and respect their Jesus doll, not love it and cuddle it as if it were a damned teddy bear. It is for these reasons that I’m urging parents not to buy one of these dolls for your child. If you wish to be a responsible Christian parent you need to make sure that your child views the Lord not as his “bestest snuggle buddy” but as the one thing standing between him and eternal torment in Hell.