Coal, the Energy of Tomorrow

by Herman B. Hayes

I may be in the oil industry, but I really am starting to love coal!

I was sitting at my desk this morning, watching the grimy workers below my observation window with my usual sense of disgust. How can people get so dirty, and yet not want to kill themselves? I understand that oil is on its way out. Eventually we will be able to kill every brown-skinned person who stands in the way of our precious fuel, but by then the reserves will be already dwindling.

Coal, it is so very clean and lustrous.

I agree with our dear and holy leader, George W. Bush. Coal is indeed the energy of the future in America, and I am still not sure why we ever got away from it in the first place. It is a clean burning fuel, with unlimited potential. I know, many of you are thinking about the days when you would run your fingers along the banister at your grandmother’s house. Remember how your hand came away black and filthy? That had nothing to do with her coal burning furnace, as you were told. That was just dust, because your grandma was a lazy old coot, and her “stories” were more important to her than proper cleaning.

Coal has almost no environmental impact.

Even using our present technologies, coal is entirely harmless when mined, stored, and burnt. Coal, unlike nuclear technologies, leaves behind no deadly waste, and does not add a single pound of carbons to our atmosphere. Anyone who tells you different is a liar, and probably a lazy, lazy liberal. The “clean coal” processes of the future will yield nothing but helpful byproducts. Clean coal will leave in its wake freshly planted meadows and forests, where once there was only land that had been stripped bare by some unknown force of nature.

Coal mining is one of the safest jobs in America, and you should be eager to be a miner.

Every day in America hundreds of thousands of miners go into the mines, and hundreds of thousands, give or take, come out. To the best of my knowledge, no American miner has died in recent memory. There is nothing dangerous about going one to three miles below the surface, using timbers and the Holy Hand of The Lord to secure your safe passage. Even if something terrible were to happen, it would all be for a good cause. America does not have any energy options that do not involve a risk to human life, and developing them would be too expensive.

The “peons to volts to dollars” ratio simply does not work out.

Sometimes people have to make sacrifices in order for other people to have a comfortable and carefree life. I am of a higher socio-economic class than most of my workers, and that means that my life is more important than theirs. If I were to go into a mine, and perish, my employees would lose their jobs, and their skill-less wives would starve or become ladies of the evening. If one of my peons were to die, though, only his wife would have to sell herself to eat. I am totally concerned with the greater good of mankind. So, to conclude:

Strap on your carbide lamps, America, before the lights of my mansion grow dim.

Adopting Non-Embryonic Children is Selfish

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

If there’s one thing that last week’s Presidential stem cell veto has taught us it’s that embryos can be saved from their hellish frozen existence and raised as children of God. These “snowflake children” played a very important role during President Bush’s press conference last week as they stood behind him and put a human face to the reality of embryonic mass murder (well several tiny human faces to be precise).

I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about the parents who made the choice to adopt these embryos and raise them as their own. I’ve also thought about those precious children who were brought up specifically to be advocates for embryonic rights. The parents here were given a choice between adopting a living breathing child and adopting an embryo frozen in state. These parents realized that giving some child who has already had the privilege of being born a better life is not as important as giving birth to a child who can help make a political point. These parents are heroes.

The truth of the matter is, if you are unable to conceive naturally, this is a clear message from God that your bloodline is far too tainted to be carried on. Think of this as a Godly equivalent of natural selection (I call it “intelligent selection”) with the intelligent selector (God) choosing who should and shouldn’t have children. Of course, if you trust in the wisdom of the intelligent selector (and you should unless you like burning in Hell) this eliminates the possibility of in vitro fertilization.

So if you find yourself in such a situation, you’re left only with the choice of adoption.

When making the decision to adopt an already born child or a frozen pre-born almost child you need to think of it in terms of potential. Not just potential for life, but potential for the advancement of the pro-life cause. If you adopt a non-Snowflake child and he/she makes a drawing of petrified embryos fearing for their very lives it might find its way on your fridge but I seriously doubt Senator Brownback would be talking about it on the floor of the Senate.

Snowflake children are the only kids with the authority to make the case for life.

So, when going through that adoption process, try making a choice that pleases the Lord for once in your life and adopt an embryo. There’s a reason you were made fruitless by the Almighty – you angered Him. Don’t make Him even more enraged by being so selfish as to miss the opportunity to advance the pro-life cause.

More Questions for the Liberals

by Herman B. Hayes

Listen up, you pseudo-pinko tree hugging liberal hippies!

Almost a year ago I authored the post “Why Liberals?” I was hoping that maybe a few of you would have the fortitude to step forward and give me an honest answer or two. I have spent the last eleven months in disappointment, daily checking the Moral Mailbox for some scrap of poorly penned insight.

Maybe the questions were too hard.

I thought that I was throwing you pansy bleu-staters some easy ones, with queries such as “Why do you hate God?” I never expected not to have these questions answered. I happen to know that if you ask a four year old what their favorite color is, you will get an honest answer. I also know that liberals think at roughly the same level as four-year-olds. I fail to see what the problem is.

I am going to give you another chance, even though I am sure to regret it.

I am going to ask you heathen leftists five more questions. I considered just using the ones that I wrote last year, hoping that the repetition might help you to answer, but I have decided to write all new questions. I am keeping them simple, and I am not using big words that might confuse you.

1. Why do you enjoy killing babies?
   Most people seem to think that killing children is immoral, or at the very least disgusting. Why do liberals enjoy killing babies, even while they are still in the womb? Is it because they are even more defenseless then?
   
   
2. Is it fun to cry all day?
   All that liberals seem to do is cry and whine. ”Ohh, woe is me! My party is out of power, and we will never win again.” How do you keep your skin from being eroded away by the constant trickle of self righteous tears?
   
   
3. What is wrong with war?
   Why is it so hard for you to realize that conflict is a good and wonderful thing? You spend all day boo-hooing (see question two) about dead soldiers, and you fail to see the point. For every U.S. serviceman who is killed, a factory worker gets 10 hours of work. Death makes money, and if people are going to die anyhow, why not profit a little?
   
   
4. Why do you think your rights are so damned important?
   As you all well know, 9-11 changed everything. You need to stop complaining that your “civil liberties” are being taken away. What is more important, some freedoms, or not getting blown to bits? Remember, the word “liberties” means that they are optional, based on the situation. Stop endangering the rest of us, please.
   
   
5. Why do you still hate God?
   Nothing has changed with you since last year. You still wish you would walk outside in the morning, and see God’s corpse lying in your yard, next to your VW Beetle. Is it fun to make Jesus cry, as you dream of ways to kill Him and His Father? Remember, every time that you miss an opportunity to praise the Lord, a Muslim is born. You are creating terrorists.

Do you think you can do a little bit better this time?

I am actually encouraging you wishy-washy liberals to respond to these questions. I really want to know what you think, so that I can unravel your arguments in much the same way that you are always trying to unravel the fabric of our nation. Help me, liberals.

Help me understand you, so that I can destroy you.

Scott from Scott-O-Rama is Gay

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

There are certain people who think that outing bloggers is a completely despicable act. I disagree. I really can see no downside in forcibly removing anyone from the closet, regardless of their political ideology.

If they are a liberal, doing this can cause great harm to them personally which is of course very pleasing to the Lord. If, on the other hand, they’re a conservative then we’re merely doing God’s work of sanctifying His party. So really it’s a win-win situation whenever we can expose a blogger as a depraved homosexual.

Well it looks like I’ve managed to discover another gay man hiding beneath the rock that is the liberal blogosphere – Scott from Scott-O-Rama.

You see, I’ve been studying Scott ever since he made a derisive comment about President Bush that earned him a place of shame on our blogroll of iniquity. You might call the act of me reading his blog “opposition research.” I prefer to think of it as watching a moral train wreck in progress.

In my daily reading of his blog, I started to notice some very disturbing things. First of all, it’s completely plastered with pictures of naked men. I at first assumed they were placed there to lure gay men away from the conversations that took place there – an ingenious idea. If given the choice between participating in a discussion and ogling naked men, a gay man will always pick the most sinful path. But I wasn’t quite satisfied with this answer, as Scott seemed to talk an awful lot about gay issues for a straight man. I began to grow suspicious.

Then I started seeing references to his “boyfriend” Buckaroo. A big red flag went up. Although I at first thought that Buckaroo was perhaps a plutonic heterosexual male companion like my dearest and straightest friend Herman B. Hayes. As I continued to read on though, that red flag began to turn to more of a pale lavender color highlighted with a breezy blue pastel border.

Finally the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. “This Scott guy is clearly gay!” It was at this point I discovered that I had just been made an unwitting participant in an act of pure perversion. I then decided it was my moral obligation to make the rest of world aware of just who Scott really is.

Scott is a threat! If you doubt that fact, consider the following: his site gets an average of between 4,000 and 5,000 visitors a day. That’s right, the entire gay population of the United State checks Scott’s blog everyday (You should ignore the inflated figures given by the gay community as they are inaccurate and absolutely terrifying). Scott could choose to mobilize his sodomite soldiers to march on to destroy marriage. We simply can’t allow this to happen. Expose his evil plan and tell everyone you know: Scott is gay and he’s arming his readers for battle!

Update: Scott Responds!

Bush Vetoes His Way Into My Heart

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

A victory for unborn almost children has been won today!

President Bush answered the question posed by those in Congress and by people all around this country today: “Is it better to give women the option of using their embryos left over from fertility treatment for research or to just dispose of them?” Bush made the right choice in vetoing a bill that would have given women this choice. He understands that these little tiny itty-bitty human beings are deserving of a respectful burial inside a hazardous waste container and not a test tube.

My Presidential hero may have vetoed the bill in private today, but he still had the courage to stand up in front of a friendly crowd and proudly announce what he had done. Although this time he didn’t go it alone, he had a little help from some pint-sized friends.

Making up part of the backdrop of his press conference today were several absolutely darling children. But these weren’t ordinary kids; these little tykes were originally frozen embryos slated for disposal themselves but were saved by loving parents looking for a child to both love and use as a political prop. There must be something about being a frozen embryo at one point though that makes you grow up to be extra adorable. If I weren’t so straight I would have a strong desire to hug each and every one of these precious little “Snowflake children.”

Now, surrounding himself with these fully developed children would seem completely unrelated to the bill he vetoed today if you didn’t understand the liberal end game here. I mean we all acknowledge the fact that an overwhelming majority of these frozen embryos will never be adopted and will instead be destroyed. Just because they hold the possibility to cure the diseases of millions of people does not mean we should then go routing through the trash for them.

No, the second we allow this to happen then liberals are one step closer to their ultimate goal of murdering fully grown snowflake children in the name of science. I’m not talking about the microscopic embryos; I’m talking about football playing, heterosexual boys here! How could you possibly look into the faces of these children and think that stem cell research is ok?

I certainly am happy that Bush didn’t decide to invite a bunch of sick children to stand there with him instead. Their presence would have cast a very dark cloud over this whole thing. And I don’t want to think about such depressing things on this glorious, wonderful and absolutely fantastic day!

Hallelujah!

Today is another day that I truly thank the Lord for putting George Bush into office. Just think, without him these difficult moral decisions would be left to two large deliberative bodies full of mere men who happen to represent each and every state in this nation. Collectively, Congress could not understand the true will of God. Only George seems to understand this. That is why I will see this as the day that Christianity has finally triumphed over science.

Waiter, There is a Terrorist in My Soup

by Herman B. Hayes

Thank God for the Department of Homeland Security!

We had a close call in Pittsburgh last week, dear readers. I am very surprised that this story has not received more national press, but since you only read this blog for information, you would not have heard about it anyhow. Imagine the worst sort of terrorist plot that you can. Delve as far in to your weak little minds as you can, and dredge up your darkest fear.

Terrorist Lunch-Ladies.

We all know that lunch-ladies are frightening enough to begin with. Just thinking of them scares me to the core. “Pizza or peanut butter sandwich?” they growl at you, sending thirty years of excess nicotine streaming towards your face, driven by garlic scented wind. Consider, though, that the lunch lady was not just someone who made the cafeteria food at your school, college, or place of employment?

The person who is making your food, or the lady taking your money, could be plotting to kill you. (They probably are.)

Judy (Infidel Crusher) Miller and Mary (Mujahideen) Broughton were, to the best of my knowledge, placed in handcuffs and forcibly ejected from their places of employment. I think that our government’s response to these Jell-O-cup jihadists was not strong enough, considering where they worked.

These terrorists were well placed within our government.

One of these women worked at the Federal Courthouse in Downtown Pittsburgh, and the other worked across the street at the Federal Building. This is one of the most deviously hidden sleeper cells that Homeland Security has ever rooted out. Neither woman has a criminal record. They have done nothing to call suspicion upon themselves, and everyone loves them. They are obviously driven to kill every American they can.

The details are too terrifying for us to know. They are also too terrifying for Judy and Mary to know.

No one outside the Department of Homeland Security is allowed to know the details behind the dismissal of the lunch ladies. Can you imagine something so terrible that your government would not tell you about it? Our government is so open and honest that it frightens me terribly to consider what these women were planning. Cash register bombs? Italian wedding soup with little miniature hand grenades instead of meatballs? There are so many ways that cafeteria workers can cause massive amounts of death and destruction.

Of course, a Democrat is helping to kill us.

Representative Mike Doyle, an evil Democrat, is helping these tray-service terrorists regain their “employment” within the Federal system. Of course, “employment” in this case actually means “deep cover”. Leave it to a Democrat to invite terrorists in through the front door. Rep. Doyle is trying his best to help two honest, hardworking citizens kill innocent federal employees. He is such a nice guy. Remember, though, Mike, think long and hard about your choice when Mary and Judy say:

“Thank you Mike! Won’t you please try the chili?”

Moral Mailbox: Who Should I Hate More?

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Today’s moral mailbox question comes to us from “A Christian Hater for God”:

Which should I hate more: Democrats or homosexuals?

I can only afford to make so many "You're going to burn in hell"
signs, and I would like to know on whose lawn I should place them to guarantee my eternal salvation.

Thank you for your unerring moral advice

Well, “Christian Hater,” the first problem I see in your email is the implication that people have a limited capacity for hate. This simply isn’t true and you’re more than capable of casting your net of animosity as wide as you need. It certainly isn’t as impossible as you make it seem to hate everybody that’s different from you.

Well, perhaps I’m making it seem deceptively simple. There is quite a bit of effort that goes into constantly reaffirming your own superiority to any person or group of people. It can down-right exhausting finding examples of ways liberals, non-Christians, gays or minorities are inferior to you. The eventual payoff though is huge.

Just think of how it will feel to have Jesus whisper this into your ear:

”You’re far better than the unsaved rabble that will spend eternity in Hell. You’re one of my chosen few. You’re special.”

I still get chills whenever Christ says this to me.

Now, on to your question of whether you should spend more effort hating liberals or homosexuals. This question of course needs to be rephrased since all homosexuals are liberals and very few liberals are not homosexuals. Regardless, everyone contained within either group is deserving of as much of your hate as you can muster. The real question though is which group’s agenda you should spend more effort trying to impede. So let’s examine them both first.

The homosexual agenda calls for the dissolution of the family, the corruption of our children, and the promotion of depraved sex acts like bestiality and non-procreative heterosexual sex. The liberal agenda on the other hand calls for the removal of Christianity from American life and a system of anarchy brought on by the victory of our terrorist foes.

I think it’s pretty clear that if the goals of the liberal agenda are met then the battle against the homosexual agenda is already lost. So my advice to you, “Christian hater,” is to hate both liberals and homosexuals in equal measure but devote more of your time working toward stopping the liberal agenda. Silence those liberal traitors anyway you can, be it through intimidation, subterfuge, or good old fashioned lying. Remember, the Lord is more than willing to overlook a series of minor sins if they are committed to ensure that America remains a godly nation.

Liberal Propaganda vs. the Salvation Store

by Herman B. Hayes

The liberals are at it again, folks.

Our arch enemies at Bring It On have crossed the line once again. Recently Tom Baker, a liberal of doubtable orientation, released a “poster”, as they call it. This poster, as you can see, shows two little children firebombing a vehicle, which was transporting three injured kittens, in the care of nuns, to an Iraqi “no-kill” animal shelter.

Sometimes it is stupid to stay the course, I have to agree. Why we tolerate liberals in our nation is beyond me. That is a course in need of changing.

No matter what the evil progressives of Bring It On have to say, the children of Iraq are not the problem. We do not need to kill them. Liberal propaganda like this is nothing new, however, as they have been telling us to kill our babies in the womb for generations now. It is plain to me that this “poster” is a doctored image, and that these children were not killing nuns and kittens. Do not underestimate the liberals, though, they know that if they children of Iraq are killed, the adults will be easy to mop up.

The liberal propaganda machine will stop at nothing to make kiddie-cide a reality in Iraq.

Bring It On suggests that we wait until November to start the systematic elimination of the alleged pre-pubescent jihadists. I am slightly confused as to why they want to wait, but I have a theory: In November, all of the Iraqi kids will be in their shiny new schools that we have built them. The children are not such a mortal threat if they are all in isolated buildings, and not roaming the streets like wolf packs. I am disgusted by these liberal child killers. I do not understand how they can hate freedom and children so much.

Please, send this “poster” to everyone that you can, and use it on your own blogs. Show the Democrats for what they are: Goebbels-esque propaganda spewing monsters who love to kill kids.

Do not despair, though! There is a way for you, good readers, to get the truth out into the public. Michael Gregory Steele and I have recently opened the Conservatives for American Values’ Salvation Store. We will bring you nothing but the finest merchandise, designed to make liberals see the truth.

Our messages are clear. Our merchandise is the truth, not propaganda.

We even have products for liberals, so they can identify each other. I would recommend our “Guerrilla Sodomite” products, or possibly our “Godless Unbeliever” line. For you good and honest Republicans, may I suggest our “We Do It Santorum Style” collection? Just remember: Jesus bases your chances of getting into Heaven on how much you spend at the Conservatives for American Values’ Salvation Store. Don’t be cheap.

Killing kids, or buying shirts. Is this really such a difficult choice?

Cross-posted at: Bring It On!

Ending the Women’s Suffrage Experiment

by Herman B. Hayes

Women’s Suffrage has gone on for too long, and it is time for women to stop playing politics.

Voting is hard work, and hard work makes men hungry. There is no reason why we should come home on Election Day to find an empty kitchen and a cold stove. I understand that women have empty heads when it comes to politics, but that does not mean that you should have an empty stomach for the last half of every election year because your wives are “getting involved in the process”

We Christian men have tolerated our women going to the polls for long enough now, and the practice needs to stop.

There is no valid reason why any woman needs to vote. Married women, by which I mean good women, have their husbands to tell them how to think, and how to vote. Why not simplify the process by allowing married men to vote twice. That way their doting wives would not have to leave the safety and security of the home and hearth. We men would be more than happy to take the dangerous work of politics on our shoulders. As for unmarried women, my reasons for not allowing them to vote are even more plain:

If you are too stupid to find a husband, then you are obviously too stupid to be allowed to make any kind of political decision.

We cannot allow women in politics, and the best way to do that is to keep women from voting. The fact that there are women in Congress today is very disturbing to me. I do not want women, with their cyclic monthly predilection towards violence, having a say in my government. There is no good that can come of this, and the presence of sixty-one women in the House of Representatives and thirteen women in the Senate is just disturbing to the real members of these bodies. Men go to Washington to work, not to talk about feminine hygiene products during open sessions of the House.

Do you want to hear this while watching C-Span Two? “Voting will now begin on S. 229, also known as the Swiffer Reach-n-Dust Protection Act.”

If even one more woman is elected to Congress, this is the path we will be on. Men are good at running nations, and women are good at running ovens. This is the reason why we have never had a female President, and I hope we never will. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to negotiate a trade agreement with Russia, all while making sure your apple pie had the perfect golden crust? It would be cruel to women to let them even attempt it.

Our government is like our home: We give women the rights that we decide they should have, and we can take them away at our discretion.

The time has come, Christian men of America, to rise up and take our nation back. We cannot and will not accept women making decisions that affect more than our dinner-plates. If an experiment in a laboratory has proven itself to be dangerous it is shut down. We have no choice but to do the same with Women’s Suffrage.

Women of America, it is time to give us back the vote. I’ll take a slice of pie while you’re at it, too. Thanks, sweet cheeks.

Help Santorum Stop the PA Mexican Invasion!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

My absolute favorite senator, Rick Santorum continues to lag behind his Democratic opponent Bob Casey in the polls. Sadly, it seems that much of Pennsylvania is simply not as charmed by his anti-homosexual vitriol as I am. But fortunately, Santorum has now found an issue that can really get those poll numbers turned around in his favor: illegal immigration. It is in fact the subject of his first TV ad which is currently running throughout the state.

I know, as a Pennsylvania resident, just how important this issue is to all of us. And really all one has to do is consult a map and note our proximity to Mexico to understand how big of a threat it is for everyone in this state. So realizing this, Santorum has begun to hammer Bob Casey on the issue. Unfortunately though the uni-browed State Treasurer is fighting back:

Mr. Casey has criticized his opponent for votes against penalties for employers who hire illegal immigrants. Last week, Mr. Santorum insisted that he supports sanctions against any firms that knowingly break the law, but said that the primary responsibility for insuring that workers are here legally lies with the government.

I couldn’t agree more, Rick. Employers should not be held responsible for hiring illegal immigrants unless they personally drive to Mexico and bring them illegally into this country themselves. We cannot expect employers to take any extra steps to ensure their workers are legal or that their documents are legitimate. It’s not their problem that they don’t further scrutinize who they allow to work for them, it’s our problem.

While it seems that both Santorum and Casey wish to do something to prevent Mexicans from physically crossing the border, Casey selfishly ignores the desires of employers to hire cheap labor. Removing the incentive for Mexicans to cross our borders in the first place does nothing but unfairly tie the hands of businesses who want more choice in who they can hire.

Santorum will continue to gain leverage on this issue as long as Casey is seen as being on the side of amnesty for illegals and against business. So this brings me to what all of us can do to ensure that Casey continues to appear on the wrong side of this debate: Donate $18.25 to Bob Casey’s campaign.

What’s the significance of this number you ask? Well, 1825 is the year of Mexico’s independence and in donating this you are making it clear to everyone that Mexicans support Bob Casey. If you choose to make a check out to the Casey campaign for this amount, be sure to include the note: “Gracias por la amnistía” in the memo field. Even making a small contribution like this to Bob Casey we can help stop the Mexican invasion and also secure the Senate seat of one of the holiest men ever to grace the hallowed halls of the United State Senate - Rick Santorum.

Idiotic Counterpoint: It’s an Illegal Employer Problem

Want to Talk to God? You Have To Go Through Me.

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Do you long for the time when children were read the Bible in school everyday and America had a more righteous citizenry? Do you wish we were still in the days where adultery was a punishable offense and women couldn’t vote? Do you also wish you could turn the clock back to before you knew what a “butt plug” was?

Well, don’t just stand there child of God, take up arms and follow me, there’s no time to lose.

I realize that the idea of ceding to a central moral authority (or authorities in the case) seems positively Catholic but just hear me out. In times like these there really is no other option. If you want to affect real change in this country you have to stay organized, stay obedient, and stay on message. That simply doesn’t work if everyone is trying to talk to God directly without realizing that He won’t waste his time listening to the prayers of every Tom, Dick and Harry Homo.

You first need to prove yourself worthy in order to be heard by the Almighty. The only two people here who have done so and have the ear of God are Herman and myself. God may not be listening to you, but I’m listening, my unworthy friend, and I’ll make sure Jesus is made aware of anything that I deem pertinent.

Maybe some of you already turn to a moral leader like James Dobson for your ideas on politics, Biblical interpretation, and child rearing. While I have tremendous respect for Dr. Dobson, he’s simply a little too advanced in age to see this thing to its conclusion. It’s time to jump off the Dobson ship before it sinks and begin riding the new wave of Christian conservatism. The Lord may not have taken Dobson into his final embrace just yet but He has already picked spiritual successors – Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes.

This movement thrives on charismatic leaders like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. You people are fortunate enough to have two such leaders each with more than enough charisma to spare. We also have the wisdom and righteousness necessary to interpret the Bible correctly and allow it to inform our politics. From there we inform you of what your politics should be. And while it may be tempting to “cut out the middleman” and go to God yourself, He has no interest in being found by you directly.

To deny my moral authority or to deny Herman’s moral authority is to deny the authority of God. So put down your newspapers and books and pick up your Bible. I’m not asking you to read this Bible, mind you, but only to carry it with you. I’ll let you know if there’s anything you need to be made aware of within its pages.

Ken Lay Hired By God

by Herman B. Hayes

God has a new man at the financial helm of Heaven, and that man is Ken Lay.

It is a horrible day for America, and a horrible day for working men and women everywhere. Today, God called home a true American hero; Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay.

God must have had some tricky accounting issues to deal with.

We must not ever doubt the judgment of our Lord in these matters, but that does not mean that we should not be saddened by this tragic death. Ken “The Numbers Never Lie” Lay was an amazing man. Some people may not have liked Ken Lay, but we can all agree that no one loved the common man more than he did.

Ken Lay was paragon of honesty, brought down by liberal greed.

First off, Ken “Innocent Flower” Lay did nothing wrong in the running of his company. Kenny was the major victim of the Enron scandal. No one, not the press, and not the prosecuting attorneys, had any right to go after this man. It was his company, and if he wanted to make sure the books reflected the reality he wanted, so be it. Our beloved President Bush, who referred to Ken as “Kenny Boy”, does the same thing all the time, and we love him for it. These attack dogs took down a great American out of jealousy, because they were not smart enough to invest deeply in Enron stock.

Do not destroy the glowing memory of this near-Holy man.

Leave the memory of Ken Lay alone. Now is not the time to make your foolish comments, or to voice your mock sadness at the death of this great man. Some of you will say that it is ok to mock him, since he “ruined” the lives of so many innocent people. Ken “Reminds Me of My Grandfather” Lay did not ruin the life of one single person who did not deserve to have their life ruined. If you are so lazy and stupid that you invest all of your money in one company, then you are an idiot who deserves to be destitute. Besides, these fools could have sold their stock at any time, especially the people who actually worked at Enron.

Ken Lay’s innovative healthcare initiative.

Most people don’t know that Ken “Retirement is for Losers” Lay was a leader in the fight against obesity in the elderly. By keeping so many ex Enron employees from collecting pensions, Ken Lay was doing them a huge favor. Old people with money have a tendency to get lazy, and getting lazy makes old people fat. Everyone knows that if you are fat and lazy, God will kill you with a huge heart attack. I do not know how our Good Lord chose to take Ken “Not Like Fred Sanford” Lay, but I doubt it was a heart attack. I cannot bring myself to watch the liberal media tear this great man apart, and I am not sure that I need to know how he died.

My final thoughts on Ken “God’s New Administrator” Lay.

We conservatives will miss you, Ken. We will miss your wit, your easy smile, and the way you could make numbers change into other numbers, as if by magic. We will mourn for the little people, who you helped so much. We will try to be like you, and teach the American worker self-sufficiency. We will stand up to the tyranny of liberal lawyers, and we will do business the way you taught us, and the way God intends. We will miss you Ken, but do not worry yourself in Heaven. We, your beloved Republican businessmen, will continue on, following your shining light.

We promise.

Liberal Traitors: Stop Burning American Flags

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

As anyone who actually loves America knows, tomorrow is the day that we celebrate Independence Day. Those of a more progressive persuasion will no doubt use this day to mail out care packages to insurgents in Iraq and plot the general overthrow of our government. I on the other hand, think I’ll spend my day welling up with patriotic pride as I grill hot dogs on my perfectly manicured lawn.

I’m proud of this country because I can look to all the progress we’ve made in this War on Terror and in the spreading of our shared American values across the globe. I love this country, and anyone who reads this blog knows this. Despite the great progress we’ve made abroad though, there’s still a lot of work to be done here at home.

Just yesterday I was in the basement of my home searching for an especially large flag to hang on my front door. As soon as I found it though a very real sadness came over me. I clutched that oversized Old Glory in my masculine hands as if it were a child rescued from a fire. And in fact, this flag has been pulled from flames as real as the fires of Hell that all liberals will experience in the afterlife.

For I know that if this flag were in the hands of a liberal it would not be treated with the same level of respect that I treat it with. There is no telling how they would choose to disrespect and desecrate our flag before ultimately incinerating it and urinating on the ashes. Liberals love to burn American flags, and that’s a fact.

We came very close to having an amendment passed that could protect that flag that I cradled in my arms yesterday from such harm. But alas, some politicians in Washington don’t think our flag is even worth protecting:

The Senate by a single vote Tuesday rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to ban desecrating the American flag.

Now, this amendment isn’t some naked political move on the part of a few Senators trying to appeal to people with more patriotism than Constitutional understanding. I mean, what was the Constitution written for anyway if not to silence unpopular speech? Those who voted against this amendment simply aren’t interested in protecting freedom.

It is little consolation to me that some of these Senate Democrats who voted against this will pay a heavy political price during the November elections. I mean the “Candidate X is a traitor who supports flag burning and therefore hates God” campaign ads practically write themselves. No, this goes beyond partisan politics. If you burn a flag you hurt America in a very real way and not just symbolically. America simply isn’t strong enough to fight a War on Terror and have people complain about it in such extreme ways at the same time.

Look, I understand that tomorrow is a day of mourning for liberals and all others who hate this country. I have a simple request though. Tomorrow for once in your pathetic sinful and meaningless liberal lives could you resist burning an American flag? Just for one day could you pretend you actually care about this country just a little bit? I realize this is as likely as one of you liberals actually reading the Bible, but I have to ask for America’s sake.