Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Bad Things Only Happen To Bad People

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Apparently some of you had some trouble understanding the post I wrote the other day about the following quote given by Pat Robertson:
I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city
I mean it's pretty simple, God is going to remove his shield of protection from this city for embracing evolution instead of intelligent design. I really didn't people would have trouble understanding this, but apparently people cannot accept that God fully protects all of his followers that obey his word.

Part of the problem is that for years we've been subjected to the touchy-feely self-help notion that sometimes bad things can happen to good people. I've got news for all of you, good people are protected by the Lord and don't have to endure the same kind of suffering that bad people do. Just because you cannot figure out the particular sin that caused God to stop protected you that doesn't mean you didn't commit it -- Trust me, you did something wrong.

Now I've gotten a few emails from people countering my last post by citing the Book of Job. Yes, I know that Job was one of God's most devout followers and that God allowed a series of tremendous misfortunes to be inflicted upon. But God had a very specific reason to allow his family, his riches and his health to be taken from Job -- God needed to prove to Satan that Job would remain loyal to Him no matter what. Of course we all know that God won this bet and Satan in turn learned a valuable lesson.

Since God has already proven His point and there is no further need to "test" His followers through unspeakable tragedy He can focus His attention on punishing those who defy him. This brings me right back to my central argument: Bad thing only happen to bad people. So, Dover, watch out! You're angering the Almighty and you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Monday, November 14, 2005

God Doesn't Help Unbelievers!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

You liberals really enjoy tempting fate, don't you? In Dover, PA there is a great theological battle taking place -- the battle over intelligent design. And what do the local residents of Dover do when faced with the choice between science or God? They turn their back on God and vote their local school board out of office for supporting intelligent design, that's what!

Pat Robertson is just as outraged as I am about these election results and said the following last week on the 700 Club:
I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city
I couldn't agree more, Pat. Although I want my readers to notice an important point about this quote that will no doubt get lost in the liberal media's "coverage" of all this. Pat isn't saying that God will punish the town of Dover with a natural disaster for disobeying him -- not that any of us would blame the Almighty if He did. No, on the contrary, Pat Robertson is simply saying that God won't protect the people of Dover if such an event does occur.

Let me try to explain the difference to you with a hypothetical story. Let's pretend that there's a man you work with by the name of Jim. Now let's imagine that Jim comes in one day and is exceptionally rude to you. Maybe he makes a cruel joke about the President's approval rating or says something rude about the tie you're wearing.

So anyway, later that same day you're walking down the street and you see Jim sitting inside of a Starbucks sipping one of those fancy coffee drinks. Then without warning the building catches fire with Jim trapped inside.

Now at this point you could take the metal trash can sitting in front of this Starbucks and break the window to allow Jim to escape, or you could simply watch. I mean, Jim really was a jerk to you earlier and I don't think anyone would blame you for just sitting back and enjoying the show. It's not as if you'd strapped Jim to a chair and set fire to him yourself, certainly not. It isn't like you've murdered Jim in this ficticious story -- it's at most depraved indifference on your part.

And this is exactly what Pat Robertson is talking about. It's not like God will exactly punish the people of Dover, He just might chuckle to Himself a bit if the residents of Dover find themselves trapped inside of a burning Starbucks with no way out.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I Owe You Less Than Nothing, Dear Readers

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I thought it would be a good idea to come back from my blogging hiatus and provide you, my faithful reader, with a firm but loving reminder. I just wanted to reiterate a simple point that some among you seem to have forgotten: I don't owe you anything.

This post though is about respect, more specifically the respect people should show me when they decide to correspond with me through email. No reader of this blog has the right to ask me to do more than I already do for all of you and yet emails like this pass through my mailbox regularly:
Michael? Herman? where are? I look to you for moral guidance. I feel lost without your words, please come back.
I wonder, if I allowed this same person to borrow my car would he then demand that I take it to the car wash and have it detailed first? I am doing you a favor, friend, by sharing my wisdom with you and yet you demand that I do it with more regularity? Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth -- or maybe you're biting the hand that feeds you, I'm not sure which.

Anyway, I just want to state again that I do not owe you anything and you owe me everything.

You see, in life everyone is faced with difficult ethical and moral dilemmas. It is the choices you make at these critical junctures that define who you are as a person and decide where you will ultimately end up in the afterlife. Often such choices are difficult to make and if you make the wrong one it can be nearly impossible to get yourself back on the right track. That's where I come in.

God has provided each of you with a map to show you the correct path in navigating through the jungle of life -- a map called the Bible. Sometimes though this map is difficult to understand and you need a rugged wilderness guide to help you through the rough patches with his machete of personal enlightenment. I am your guide, but sometimes even wilderness guides need some time off.

This particular wilderness guide also has the fate of his local economy resting upon his broad shoulders. This wilderness guide has been busy doing his job and continuing to make the world turns. But I don't feel I owe anyone here an explanation, in fact I owe you less than nothing.

My advice to all of you is to study your map and I’ll explain to you what it means when I'm good and ready. And finally when I do choose to answer your questions, be sure to address me with a little more humility and respect. Remember that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. If you continue to anger me, the Lord might just taketh me away from you for good.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

We Have Survived

by Herman B. Hayes

The Hayes family has survived Halloween

I hate Halloween, as you might have guessed. Without a trace of doubt, it is my least favorite holiday of the year. Actually, we do not consider it to be a “holiday”, as that term is derived from the words “holy” and “day”, which Halloween is most assuredly not. It is a sick travesty that this worship of Satan is approved of in our Christian nation.

We do accept trick-or-treaters at the Hayes home, though.

We even decorate our house. We place crosses in our yard, a nativity, and signs with pertinent Bible verses. We open our doors to the young children who have been placed on the road to hell by their parents. We give them little wallet cards with Bible verses on them, and tell them that they are all going to burn in the eternal fires of Hell for what they are doing. We let them know that they will spend eternity being mauled and tortured unless they remove their costumes and run to the nearest church.

If God wanted us to be monsters, he would have made us that way.

Dressing up like a witch, a ghost, or any other form of damned being is a sure way to insult God. Why do you think that this is one of the worst days of the year for kidnappings, poisonings, and sexual assaults against youth? Apparently God is trying to send a message. That message is really a simple one:

Do not hand-deliver your children to Satan, dressed for the occasion.

It enrages me that parents who claim to be raising their children in the required Christian environment would shove God aside to worship Satan for a day. Would you shove your spouse aside for a day to have sex with a prostitute, just because the condom companies told you that you should?

The companies that produce these costumes, these “Satanist for the Day” kits, should be run out of business.

Most of the time, I very much approve of the corporate situation in America. The problem is, though, most of these costumes and the like are not made here. They are mostly made in China by communists. Communists are agents of Satan by their very nature. So, we are purchasing these draperies of the damned from Satan himself. Disgusting.

Stop celebrating Satan-mas, and protect your family.

If you are a parent who reads this blog, you must think yourself a good Christian. If you sent your children out Monday evening to snag candy from the mouth of Beelzebub, then you are a hypocrite of the worst type. Repent. Never send your children to the devil, gift wrapped for his enjoyment, again. Turn your home into a beacon of light on that night of evil. Invite the children in. Teach them the words of Christ. Strip from them their mantles of evil, and send them out again, messengers of Jesus Christ.