Thursday, September 29, 2005

Get A Clue, Liberals!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

When I think about the liberals of this country I'm reminded of a former acquaintance of mine, Charles Bradford. Now, Charles is by no means a liberal himself; he's actually a life long Republican. No, the reason that Charles is like any American liberal is because he cannot take a hint.

Let me explain.

I ran into this man several weeks ago and he proceeded to engage me in small talk. I find such idle chit-chat completely insufferable, so you can understand my annoyance with this. I have no interest in talking to some dullard about his improved golf game or anything else in his uninteresting and mediocre life. Despite my subtle hints that I wanted to end our conversation, Charles just kept yammering on, "My kid is doing great in soccer this year. Scored two goals last game. Blah Blah Blah."

After I couldn't stand this torturous conversation any longer I simply said, "I don't care!" and walked away. And do you know what Charlie "oblivious moron" Bradford did? That idiot laughed and started following me. He thought I was joking! It was only after I grabbed him by the shoulders, looked him right in the eyes and said, "You are the most boring man I have ever met in my life, and if you ever talk to me again you'll need a new cell phone and the name of a good proctologist!" He finally got the hint after I explained to him that the implication was that I would forcibly insert his cell phone into his rectum.

And you know what? You liberals are just as clueless as Charles.

To see why, you need to look no further than what Alabama state senator Hank Erwin (R) said about the recent hurricanes (hat halo tip: Blue Gal)
"New Orleans and the Mississippi Gulf Coast have always been known for gambling, sin and wickedness. It is the kind of behavior that ultimately brings the judgment of God."
God has sent two -- count them TWO -- hurricanes to let you know he is angered with your godless ways, liberals. I really don't think he could be any clearer about his displeasure with you. You've been given an undeniable sign that the Lord wants you to cease your immoral behavior and what do you do? You simply continue enabling homosexuality, gambling, and general wickedness by supporting the Democrats. For the last time, STOP IT!

I thought His message was pretty clear. But apparently two devastating hurricanes is much too subtle for most liberals. Well, my advice to all of you liberal dolts is to ask around for the name of a good proctologist. Why? Because the Lord is going to get through to you idiots one way or another.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Battle Stations!

by Herman B. Hayes

We devoted all of last week to one of my favorite people, Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania. As you all know, Rick Santorum is a holy and good man. However, there is a problem.

The midterm elections are crucial to our survival.

Conservatives need to realize that the upcoming elections are more than just your average midterm contest. It is vital to protect our finest senator. This message is especially important to residents of my home state, Pennsylvania. Robert Casey, the most likely Democratic challenger, is an evil and immoral man.

Make sure that you have read Mr. Steele’s comments on this matter, and understand his tactic.

Of course, I fully agree with what my esteemed colleague has postulated as a plan. I feel the need, however, to reinforce this message. We are, for all intents and purposes, at war with the liberals of this nation.

Think of Rick Santorum as a fortress of God in a sea of evil.

We must defend our fortress. If Fort Rick falls, the others will be in grave danger. The forces of evil only need six seats to take control of the Senate. If this happens, we may well be doomed. Terrorist attacks, Abortions-in-a-box, and more natural disasters will follow.

Of course, this is not just an issue in Pennsylvania. There are other fortresses on our defensive line.

Senator Mike DeWine of Ohio is under siege, and our troops in that state are disorganized at the moment. Get it together, Soldiers of God. Senator Conrad Burns of Montana is in need of reinforcement. Senator Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island is in trouble also. Stop being wishy-washy, Chafee. You are a Republican, now act like one.

Each and every one of you has a role to play.

Folks, this is combat. It may not involve tanks and guns and planes, but make no mistake: You are fighting for your very lives. The Conservative Christians of each and every state need to organize. This may be our most important battle since Concord. We, the Minutemen of God, must stand behind our Senatorial fortresses in this coming conflict. We can win. We must win.

We have powerful allies in this struggle, and I will take this time to thank them.

I would like to thank Boeing, Cardinal Health, Eli Lilly & Company, Bank of America, MBNA Corporation, RJ Reynolds, Home Depot, Smith Klein Beecham, Yahoo!, and the American Health Care Association for their contributions to our war chest. Follow the leads of these great American businesses, support your soldiers of conservatism.

You have your orders, you know the plan. Dismissed.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Herman Responds

by Herman B. Hayes

First, let me thank you liberals for all your responses to the questions I asked you last month.

Your insightful responses have served to remind me of exactly why you are all going to hell.

I have chosen my favorite answer to each question. This is usually the retort that made me the most sick to my stomach. Enough with the preamble, however, let us dissect these responses.

1. Why are liberals so blind to political reality?
I will not use the names of the actual liberals that responded, as I fear for their safety. I will also refrain from most direct quotes, this blog does have a level of intelligence that we must maintain. We will call this respondent “Dolt”. Dolt postulates in his response that liberals do in fact see political reality, and that the American people will soon realize what the Republican party is doing to them. I, personally, can only assume that the American people have already seen what the Republican party is doing to them. That is why we won so overwhelmingly in the last election. Good, God-fearing Americans already know the score. Republicans –everything. Democrats- last dying wheezes.

2. Why must liberals be so keen on tolerating everyone?
“Foolish Heathen” replies that liberals tolerate everyone because that is the human and decent thing to do, besides, is that not how God would want things done? My thoughts? Liberals are idiots. God is a wrathful God, remember? There is a lot of smiting going on in the Holy Bible. God did not tolerate those who did not fit his mold, and neither should we.

3. Why do you feel that spreading democracy should not involve force?
“Miasmic Hippie” says that democracy will spread through peace and love and laughter, man, like a comforting blanket of dew over a field, you dig, man? No, I do not dig, man. I have laborers to do that for me. Democracy has never come about without bloodshed, and it never will. If you want to be free, you have to kill people. There really is no other way.

4. Why can’t more liberals go out and get a damn job?
“Welfare Warrior” believes that there are not enough good paying jobs out there. What? I have one. Everyone I know has one. Why can’t you get one. Simply put, you are lazy. It does not matter if a job does not pay enough to support you and your family. If you need to, get more than one job. Just stop crying to me about it. Now go flip some burgers for me, and I expect to see you putting gas in my SUV later today. Crybabies.

5. Why do you hate God?
“Satan’s Handwarmer” tried to convince me that most Luciferious-liberals do not hate God. Please, Liberals, I am not stupid. I know that you hate God. You enjoy killing unborn babies, and you think that killing people in prisons is wrong. You are against two of the major principals of God: an eye for an eye, and thou shalt not kill. If you mock two of the easiest to understand parts of being a Christian, how can you claim not to hate God? God knows how you feel, and your day of reckoning will come.

So there we have it, readers, the answers we were all waiting to hear. Now we have a small glimpse into the minds of the godless, the lazy, and the evil. Liberals will not be able to destroy this country and our way of life, unless we let them. We cannot let them. We must understand how they think (it helps if you have a fever), and keep them at bay.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Rick Santorum, Political Fighter

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

After a week of us extolling the many virtues of Rick Santorum, you're probably now saying to yourself, "Rick Santorum has done so much for me, what can I do to help him?" Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, the man who has carried so many of our hopes and dreams upon his broad muscular shoulders now needs our help more than ever.

For you see, the senator is up for reelection in 2006, and let's just say that things look bleak for the holiest man in the Senate.

Current polls show that Santorum is trailing his biggest Democratic challenger, Bob Casey, 49–35. But there's some seemingly good news on the fundraising front:
Santorum has said he expects to raise $25 million for the campaign. Between April and June, he raised $3.6 million and reported $5.7 million cash on hand. Casey reported raising $1.9 million in the period, and had $1.6 million cash on hand.
So Santorum has raised more money than Casey in this campaign. This is a good thing, right? Wrong!

Let me explain something to you something about political races and how the media covers them. Reporters aren't really interested in reporting about the particular positions of the candidates. That's boring. It's not about debating the merits of policy, but about creating a captivating storyline to help sell newspapers. With the way things stand, a story is starting to unfold in this campaign -- it's Casey the scrappy underdog vs. Santorum the powerful incumbent. It's a classic David and Goliath story only this time Goliath is the good guy.

All of this brings me to how you, as a Santorum supporter, can help. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to start routing for Santorum again is to make sure that Casey raises more money. When this happens, Santorum will be recast as the tenacious underdog fighting for his political life. Just when you thought Rick was down for the count, he stages a miraculous comeback. He's on the ropes, and he's taking a pummeling, but wait what's this... Santorum, the man who everyone counted out, wins the election.

So if you care about Santorum at all, you'll go to Bob Casey's site and contribute what you can to his campaign. It's exactly how every single Rocky movie has played out, and it's exactly how this election will be won. Help send Rick Santorum, the other Italian stallion, back to the Senate in 2006 by donating generously to Bob Casey's campaign.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Rick Santorum, Family Man

by Herman B. Hayes

I am going to cut straight to the point; family men don't wear skirts and women need to stay at home with the kids. Women have no place going to work and leaving their children to be raised by dolts who could not find better jobs.

Rick Santorum hit the nail right on the head, again.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading Rick Santorum’s thoughts on the present state of American families, as presented in his latest book. He presented so many great points that it is difficult to pick just one to write about today, but I am going to focus on the family. Here are some of my personal thoughts:

Feminism is a poison, and it is killing our children and families.

Every woman is born with a job. That job is to grow up chaste, find a husband, and have children. Now, some women think that they need to find a career. Why? Making money is the job of men. Making children is the job of women.

No college education is needed to have children. The uterus does not need a degree.

Imagine, if you will, a world where women were simply content to do the job that God had assigned to them. Our children would be properly raised, crime would fall, and workplace output would increase without the constant catty gossip. We would be one step closer to the utopia that God intended for us. The amount of available college aid for men would double. How could there be a downside to this?
"Sadly the propaganda campaign launched in the 1960s has taken root... The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness.”
In these insightful words, Rick Santorum succinctly summarizes one of the major problems with our country today. Feminism, past and present, is nothing but a satanic plot to destroy us. How could there be anything more rewarding than raising good and Godly children? Is there not a sense of accomplishment in providing your husband with a hot and delicious meal upon his arrival home from a hard day’s work? Would slippers, a brandy, and the newspaper be too much to ask? Donna Reed never emailed anyone with a Blackberry, she baked them into pies.

Besides, any man who cannot provide for his family while his wife does her job is not a man in my book, or God’s.

Men, it is time to stand up and do your jobs. How could you have let women get this foolish notion into their heads? Stop being lazy, and provide for your family. There is no reason whatsoever that you cannot provide all the income that your family needs. The Republican Party has provided you with the jobs, now get to work.

It is time to restore the natural balance, for all of our sakes.

The time has come to stop letting the television raise our children. It would be nice if they would watch nothing but Fox News, but that does not seem to be a viable solution. Women need to return to what God intended them to do, taking care of our children and homes. Men, you need to stop letting women do your work for you. You have grown soft and lazy, and the country is suffering for it. To conclude:

Gentlemen, there is work to be done. Ladies, it is time to get out of the office, and into the kitchen. Your husband will be home soon, and he is probably hungry.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Rick Santorum, Man's Man

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I would be remiss if I didn't talk about one of the greatest contributions Rick Santorum has made to this country -- providing a true role model of masculinity. In a society that has been utterly queerified, Santorum's macho existence is truly a rebellious act against the liberal gay culture. Rick Santorum is a real man's man.

Rick Santorum affirms the traditional notion of what a man should be by railing against homosexuals and their attempt to metrosexualize red blooded Americans completely out of existence. He is truly at the forefront of the anti-gay thought in this country. In fact one of his greatest contributions to political discourse is the brilliant homosexual marriage to bestiality connection.

We've all heard Senator Cornyn's words on this matter:
It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. . . . Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife
And then there's the recent quote by Bill O'Reilly:
The secular progressive movement would like to have marriage abolished, in my opinion. They don't want it, because it is not diverse enough. You know, that's what this gay marriage thing is all about. But now, you know, the poly-amorphous marriage, whatever they call it, you can marry 18 people, you can marry a duck..
But these two quotes are merely pale imitations of words spoken by perhaps the straightest man this world has ever seen, Rick Santorum:
In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.
Just think without Rick's original statement we would be deprived of "homosexual sex is like man on [insert animal] sex" statements. It's hard to imagine what the marriage debate would look like without the contributions of Rick Santorum.

You've given us all so much, Senator Santorum. We all admire your upstanding character, your moral genius, but most of all we simply appreciate having a Senator that isn't afraid to proudly display his supreme virility. I salute you, Senator Santorum -- one man's man to another.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Rick Santorum, Fighting Against Liberalism

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

If there's one person who understands the threat that liberalism poses, it's Rick Santorum. I've previously written about his understanding of the dark influence of liberalism, but I think his sage words on the Catholic Church molestation scandal bear repeating:
"When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."
Liberalism weakens this country, liberalism breaks up families, and liberalism causes priests to molest alter boys. In order to fight liberalism you have to understand all of this. There is no greater warrior for social conservatism than Rick Santorum. But you've heard me say all of this before, so allow me to expand upon this idea and draw a little from Santorum's seminal book, It Takes a Family.

From reading his book, you get a little more insight into what turned a naive Pennsylvanian into the warrior against liberalism we all know and love:
"It wasn't until recently that I discovered that one of my fundamental beliefs about American politics was wrong. You see, I always believed -- and publicly stated -- that conservatives and liberals had the same vision of America... I don't believe that anymore... The liberal vision of America-the-beautiful is different from mine and, more importantly, different from that of most Americans." (It Takes a Family, p. 13)
No kidding, Rick. I mean, I understand genius does not happen overnight, but thinking that liberals want what is best for this country is beyond stupid. It's clear that Santorum has come a long way in his understanding of the enemy. I shudder to think what he would have been like had the Lord not shown Rick the error of his ways. Think of it, Rick Santorum with a respect for the opposing side, a man who would potentially compromise with these liberal fiends who want to tear apart the very fabric of our society. Thank goodness, Rick now understands the true nature of the dark influence of liberal thought.

In his book he further defines what the dark liberal influence is, and categorizes the corrupting liberal institutions as Bigs:
"Who are these big, powerful forces upon which so many rely to shape our economy, culture, society, values, and learning? They are what I call the "Bigs" -- big news media, big entertainment, big universities and public schools, some big businesses, and some big national labor unions, and of course the biggest Big of all, the federal government."(It Takes a Family, p. 6)
These Bigs are run by sinister liberals that Santorum classifies as village elders. But aside from tying to ensure that nobody is allowed to worship Jesus, these elders also try and actively destroy the "lesser" institutions that would get in the way of their idea of "equality and liberty," as Santorum explains:
"And what are these problem-creating associations that liberals believe harm people? They are the 'Littles': local government, civic and fraternal associations, clubs, small businesses, neighborhoods, local school districts, church and church ministries -- and of course... the iconoclastic traditional family. Liberal ideology promises a utopia of freedom and equality, if only the Littles can be engineered out of existence." (It Takes a Family, p. 7)
Santorum clearly knows the score (even if he doesn't know what iconoclastic means). Liberals want to eliminate everything good about this country and especially the traditional family. If only the churches, small businesses and the rest of the Littles can be eliminated, liberals could be free to persecute Christians, corrupt our children, and participate in their homosexual orgies. Not on Rick Santorum's watch!

Rick Santorum is not only on the front lines fighting liberalism, but he articulates the liberal threat in a way nobody before him could. Without Santorum, you wouldn't have the sophisticated language to explain what liberalism is really about: The village elders of the Bigs are trying to destroy the Littles. Brilliant!

Now, allow me to leave you with some parting words of wisdom from Santorum's book: "Liberalism is an ideology; Conservatism is common sense." Indeed it is, Rick, indeed it is.

Monday, September 19, 2005

National Santorum Awareness Week

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I have a confession to make, dear readers; last week has found me less than pleased with President Bush. I along with countless other conservatives defended his response to Katrina only to have him ultimately accept responsibility. He made us all look like a bunch of fools. But I'm not going to sit here and write some scathing post about him. No, I'll leave that task to the unemployed hippies that always blame Bush for things they should blame themselves for. I know I can't stay mad at Bush for long, and I don't want to say something in the heat of the moment that I'll later regret. So, I've decided to instead focus on a man who is an inspiration to every true American.

I wanted to spend this week talking about the one man who has never disappointed me and has never wavered from the righteous cause of social conservatism. I am of course talking about a man that loves the unborn and despises homosexuals almost as much as Jesus himself did. A man of unmatched character and conviction, Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum.

You know, we have so many months and weeks devoted to "cultural awareness" (Black History Month), and diseases or conditions that I don't care about (September is after all National Menopause Awareness Month). You'd think with all this nonsense that we could spare just one week on the calendar for Santorum.

So I will personally devote this, the third full week of September, to talking about Rick and his philosophy. I will discuss sections of his book (It Takes a Family) and talk about his upcoming election. I can think of nobody more deserving of this honor, and people need to be made aware of the intellectual and spiritual greatness of Rick. It will also give everyone the opportunity to ask themselves the question: "Do I measure up to high standards set by Rick Santorum?" I know I do, but I'm not so sure about you.

So, in honor of Rick's undeniable greatness, I hereby declare this week to be National Santorum Awareness Week.

But wait, I can already hear grumblings from the idiot liberals reading this. "You don't have the authority to claim this week for Santorum," these dreadlocked fools cry out in their whiney obnoxious voices. Only people that hate Rick Santorum would object to dedicating this week to him. These people are homosexuals, single mothers, and abortionists -- hardly the kinds of people I would accept criticism from.

Tell everyone you know, because people need to be made aware of Santorum's greatness. This is National Santorum Awareness Week!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Opportunity and Hope

by Herman B. Hayes

I am going to get right to the point, readers. It is not often that we are given an opportunity like Hurricane Katrina. I know, all of you idiot liberals out there are shocked and outraged at this. Mind you, no one around you will notice, since you are always shocked and outraged about one silly little thing or another. While you are awash in your indignant ire, though, consider this:

When God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, did he elect to save the “historic districts”? No, he did not.

Folks, when God has had enough, he speaks loudly on the topic. We have been given a chance to rebuild this city, and this cannot be a city built on rock and roll. (Or any other sin, for that matter.) Right now is our chance to build a City of God, right here at home. One problem comes immediately to mind, though: You cannot build a City of God below sea level. That would be idiocy.

New Orleans must be raised to a minimum of three hundred feet above sea level, one hundred feet for each member of the Holy Trinity.

There needs to be a church on every block, no bars, and all the theaters should show nothing but The Passion of the Christ. God would look well upon this. I will leave the details to the great theologians of our time.

What about the non-Christians, and all the people who were in housing projects?

They will just have to live in less holy cities. There is not really much that can be done on that matter. These are people who were not well tolerated by God. Remember, we are talking about people who were not working hard enough to put sufficient money into the church collection plates. Think of God like a Holy Landlord:

When God tacks an eviction notice on your door, there is no judge to appeal to. It means he wants new tenants. There is nothing to be done.

In closing, the mission is clear. Rebuild New Orleans, and let us do it right this time.

Murder by Mass Media

by Herman B. Hayes

It is good to be back, readers, after another of my missions. I am not going to relate the fascinating details of my travels to you in this post, however. I have a more important topic to discuss today.

The liberal media is responsible for many of the deaths in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.

Go ahead, you godless left-wingers, shake your heads and mutter to yourselves. Get it out of your system. The liberal media, such as CNN, MSNBC, and the like, are responsible for many of the problems in the Gulf-Coast region right now.

I was in Florida when Katrina hit there, and the response from FEMA was perfect.

There were helicopters and rescuers and food and shelter galore. Everything was perfectly orchestrated by the now outgoing head of FEMA, Mike Brown. Things were flowing like a horse race, if you will pardon the analogy. I have no doubt that the same was the case in New Orleans.

Remember, everyone, whoever controls the media controls reality.

This is a harsh truth, but you need to accept it. The media, most of it liberal, told us that the response was inadequate, late coming, and to quote one Jewish-liberal ass “retarded”. Give me a break. Our government, and especially our President, responded in the best way possible. No one can fault Mr. Bush for sticking to his other plans for three days after the disaster struck. What did you expect him to do, row in and save people himself?

Chances are that the local airports were too clogged with media helicopters to be able to function as emergency aide hubs anyhow. Anderson Cooper needs to have his aerial shots, even if everyone at the Superdome is starving.

Certain idiot pundits, namely all of them, also claimed Mr. Chertoff should have known about the 20,000 people in the New Orleans convention center. How in the world was he supposed to know about this? Do you think that he had any friends or relatives staying there? The news media claimed that their coverage of the suffering at the convention center should have been enough to make the Director of Homeland Security aware of the problem. Do you really think that he was sitting there watching TV during all this? No! He was plucking people off of rooftops himself, I am sure of it. There is a time for press conferences, and a time for action, and our leadership knows the difference.

According to the liberal media, in the event of a natural disaster FEMA officials and President Bush were to sit down together and watch reruns of Emergency.

We must trust our government. They are working for the best interests of the common folk, the working class, the minorities, and those who are amongst the abject poor. Our government would not leave them for days without food, without water, and without hope.
I do not care what the media says, our government did a wonderful job of rescuing those citizens of New Orleans that chose to ignore the evacuation order.

Since they chose to stay, I guess they should consider themselves lucky that it did not take days and days to get them out. Well, readers, that is about enough for one day. I am tired, and I need my rest. Just remember to get your news from us, and shun the hurricane of liberal media.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Arnold's Comeback

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It was truly something to behold when California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ran in the 2003 recall election. He won the hearts of voters and got himself elected on a platform of fiscal conservatism and movie catchphrases. Jay Leno's audience cheered as Arnold directed an "hasta la vista, baby" at embattled former govenor Gray Davis. The rest, as they say, is history.

Well, there isn't much applause for the Republican govenor these days. With an approval rating at about 36%, he's in serious need of a bump. In an effort to appeal to social conservatives like myself, Arnold has promised to veto a gay marriage bill that was passed by the state legislature.

He said that allowing this bill to pass would conflict with the will of the people. He's right too, because California passed a voter initiative 5 years ago that prevents California from recognizing gay marriages from other states or countries. I ask you, is it better to allow elected officials to make these decisions or should such weighty matters be determined by the ability of Christian groups to mobilize voters for an initiative. It is certainly the later.

But Arnold needs to do more than please Christian Conservatives to keep his job. So I offer to him the following catchphrases that he can use when talking about his principled veto. Hopefully he will be able win over the hearts of the voters once again.
  • Sorry, homosexuals, but you've just been Godomized!
  • I like my fights mano a mano and my marriages man sans man.
  • Queer the way for Governor Arnold, homo destroyer.
  • I've been sent from the future to protect marriage.
  • Don't be such a girlie man... or at very least don't attempt to marry another girlie man.
  • If it breeds we can marry it.
  • You homos need to spend more time "pumping up" and less time "pumping guys in the butt."
I truly hope Gov. Schwarzenegger sees fit to use one of my catchphrases. I am very heartened to see this self-described moderate trying to put himself on the path of righteousness. I just hope he follows my sage advice. If he follows up this veto with the right catchphrase, this could be the political comeback Arnold has been looking for.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Now Is The Time To Blame

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

Many conservatives have warned all of us, and especially the press, not to play the "blame game," when talking about the delayed response to Hurricane Katrina. Trying to cast blame is certainly not appropriate when those who could potentially be blamed might be destracted from their work. Well, with rescue efforts well under way, and with FEMA finally getting the opportunity to do their job, it's now time to blame.

I'm sure many of you have read newspapers and articles trying to understand who is responsible for the inept response to humanitarian crisis on the Gulf Coast. Who was supposed to do what and who didn't do their job? What's the chain of command, and who answers to who? There's no need to make things so complicated though; I'll explain everything.

You see, FEMA, or the Federal Emergency Management Agency is responsible at the federal level for coordinating disaster relief and recovery. But who does FEMA report to? Well, the FEMA director used to be a cabinet level official who answered directly to the President, but not anymore. President Bush wisely downgraded this organization to be included in the Department of Homeland Security after 9/11. He figured this was as good a time as any to try and wean the country off the teat of big government.

So FEMA's current director, Mike Brown, does not ultimately answer to the President even if he was appointed by him. In fact Brown has to run everything past one man and one man only: New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. In the days leading up to the tragedy, the infinitely qualified Brown worked furiously to get ready for the relief efforts. But until he got the final go ahead from Nagin, all his tireless work was for naught. Brown frantically tried to get in touch with the mayor -- begging and pleading with his staff -- but to no avail. The mayor simply refused to return his calls. Nagin's excuse for not doing his job: cocaine binge.

Panicked, Brown finally called President Bush who ended his vacation early to take charge of the situation. We know that this was not a failure of government on all levels, because that's not how the blame game is played. When you play the blame game you must find one person to point the finger at and assign culpability. That's pretty much the only rule when playing the blame game. For those of you who might be playing at home, I'll give you a hint: the person who is responsible for FEMA and who spent most of last week on a hotel room floor is the one to blame. Shame, Ray Nagin, shame on you!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Now Is Not The Time To Blame

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I just want to echo a sentiment expressed by White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan in his press briefing yesterday: Now is not the time to place blame. You could not be more right, Scott. I'm personally willing to put partisan politics aside and not blame New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin for failing to evacuate his city. I won't say a word about him.

I also think it's an inappropriate time to question whether Louisiana governor
Kathleen Blanco should shoulder all or just most of the blame for the delayed response to Hurricane Katrina. People still need to be saved here, so we'll have to wait until her trial to get the answer to that.

Now liberals are predictably crying for the head of President Bush for waiting days to act. You just don't get it, you worthless hippies, do you? Do you understand that every time you criticize the federal response to this tragedy that Bush has to do even more political damage control? He has to visit some aid workers and interrupt their life-saving work to shake some hands. He has to borrow some firefighters to survey the damage and comfort the victims. He doesn't want to do this, but you liberals have forced his hand. Your idiocy is killing hundreds of people, you malodorous malcontents.

Don't worry though, my conservative brethren, there will be a time to blame all the local officials responsible for this mess later. Let's just work on getting the job done and not second guessing who's responsible at the local level. I'm sure there are a couple cells at Gitmo for some incompetent officials to stay in... but now is just not the time for that.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

My Pet Goat II? I Think Not!

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

One of the most allegedly "damning" parts of Michael Moore's thoroughly un-American movie Fahrenheit 9/11 is the scene of President Bush reading My Pet Goat to a classroom full of school children. It was during this time that the President was informed about the horrific terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. He didn't jump to his feet or make a commotion, he just sat there for several minutes. Apparently this scene is supposed to prove Bush's lack of natural leadership in the face of a national crisis. Sorry, Michael Moore, you slovenly liberal idiot, you didn't prove anything.

We now know the reason that Bush didn't throw My Pet Goat to the floor and rush out the door, knocking down several children in the process. He did not want to scare the children. This is part of being a leader; you need to ensure everyone else remains calm during a crisis.

Well, those same liberals idiots are at it again. The picture shown above is one of Bush playing a guitar given to him by country star Mark Wills. He strummed this guitar while countless people were dying from the effects of Hurricane Katrina. Liberals cynically see this image as undeniable evidence of President Bush's inept leadership and callous indifference. These liberals say that it's like Nero playing his fiddle while Rome was burning-- They also call this picture "My Pet Goat part II." I think not!

This is what leadership looks like, people. And if there's one thing I know about Mark Wills, it's that he's easily frightened. How do you think Wills would have reacted if Bush suddenly dropped his guitar and rushed to assemble the Nation Guard or to ensure that FEMA was making proper progress in their relief planning? Mark Wills would have no doubt soiled himself on the spot. What would we as a nation have done if he had rushed off that stage? We would have all panicked, that's what.

I wasn't scared or worried at all, so President Bush clearly did his job. He ensured that the nation remained calm. This is what true leadership looks like.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Hurricane Katrina, a Biblical Perspective

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

We are all undoubtedly shocked by the catastrophic loss of human life that has come from Hurricane Katrina. Often when an event so incomprehensibly tragic occurs, we seek a religious explanation. Why did this happen and what is God trying to tell us? The answer to this should be quite clear to anyone who has read any of the Old Testament -- God is punishing us for something.

This answer naturally leads to another question -- Why is God so unbelievably angry? I will explore some possible reasons below.

1. The War in Iraq
Perhaps the Almighty is angered by the war in Iraq. Maybe it is the continued bloodshed in the streets of Baghdad that causes Him to shake with fury. Certainly the Lord, as omniscient as he is, has read the most recent draft of the Iraqi constitution. We all know He is not a big fan of religious competition so perhaps he is less than pleased with it. I can think of little that would perturb the Lord more than us helping to establish a nation based on Islamic fundamentalism instead of Christianity. "One Nation Strictly Under Allah" doesn't seem to mesh well with "Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."

This reason would make sense except for one tiny fact; the last time I checked God fully supports the War on Terror. Since there's no doubt Iraq is a critical part of the War on Terror, let's move on to the next possibility.

2. The Plight of the Poor
There seems to be a lot in the Bible about helping the poor. Maybe you've run across verses like this while leafing through the Good Book:
If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any of the towns of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother; but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks. (Deut 15:7)
Clearly we must ensure that the poor are cared for in this country. What does this entail though? financial assistance? healthcare? job training? Absolutely not, you socialist idiot! If there's one thing that upsets Jesus more than those who won't help the poor it's those who don't believe in the absolute sanctity of a free market economy.

Anyway, you should remember the following:
Blessed are you who are poor, for yours in the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20-21)

If you help the poor too much then they will have to forfeit the kingdom of God -- that and they'll end up becoming complacent and lazy. So I can say with great certainty that the Lord Almighty is pleased with the tough love of compassionate conservatism. So there remains but one more reason that God could have been angry enough to send Hurricane Katrina.

3. Homosexuality
I've got a good feeling about this one, because if God is anything like me (and we all know He is), then He is constantly enraged thinking about the very existence of homosexuals. Of course New Orleans with its sinfully gay "Southern Decadence" celebration would have made God less than pleased. God's rationale could not be clearer. This flooding of New Orleans that will lead to the deaths of tens of thousands of people is a clear message to the homogays of America: Stop being so gay!

My advice to all you godless homosexuals out there is this: remit, repent, and register (as a Republican) and maybe the Lord won't see fit to destroy another city because of your iniquitous behavior.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Your Leader Commands You to Help

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

It is not often that I ask anything of my readers, which is ridiculous now that I think about, because I do so much for all of you. I'm saving your souls -- your immoral souls -- from the fiery depths of hell. Can you even begin to put a price on this? Of course you can't, but I'm asking you to try.

I'm not just asking you, I am issuing a moral edict. I order you to donate to the Red Cross to help those affected by Hurricane Katrina. Think of all that I have done for you and how little I have asked of you in return. Sure I ask for your unquestioned loyalty, but never any money until now. If you cannot reach into your pocket and donate at least $25 then don't bother coming back here.

"How will you know that I've donated?" you might ask. Oh, I'll know. Let's just say I have friends in really high places. Does the name God ring a bell? You see, I am not just a mouthpiece for the Almighty, but I also have his ear. When I talk God listens. And not just in a "God listens to the prayers of all of us" sort of way, He really listens to me. If you don't donate then let's just say I'm going to tell God to dispense with his usual mercy when dealing with you.

I'm not even talking about Jesus Christ or the Holy Spirit here; I'm talking about God the Father. That's right if you do not donate, get ready to have the most violent and vengeful member of the Holy Trinity breathing down your neck. You want God to smite you? Fine then don't donate. You want to spend an eternity in hell. Great, then don't click on this link.

Look, it's your choice; you can either give up pizza this Friday night or spend an eternity burning with all the liberals in hell. I love all of you too much to let this happen. Just remember, when your leader orders you to do something, you must obey.

Donate Here (in case you were too stupid to notice the other links)