Conservatives for American Values

George W. Bush "Elite Force Aviator"

2006-12-08T18:28:00.000-05:00

Christmas time is here again, readers, and this year the selection of toys to give your children is better than ever.

It is important to only give your little ones toys that are pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, and we at Conservatives for American Values will help you make the right choices. God will be judging you based on your Jesus-Day decisions, so choose well. The toy below is sure to make God happy, and also should please your children.

The George W. Bush “Elite Force Aviator” twelve inch action figure is my favorite toy this Christmas-Holy-Jesus-Day.

Imagine the delight on your child’s face as they imagine their beloved President making a perfect landing on the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier. We all know that President “Splash One Bandit” Bush is a real American fighting man, but sometimes this is a hard concept to get across to our children. It may surprise you to know that your kids have no idea that our brave President made not one, not two, but seven bombing runs on Iraqi targets before making that feather-perfect landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln. As we all remember, President Bush then informed the world that the fight in Iraq was over, and that he had accomplished the mission.

After taking off from the carrier, he then attacked three more targets, this time striking the terrorists that instantly, and unexpectedly, sprung up in the wake of his victory declaration.

With his F-15 badly damaged and burning furiously our Brave Bush ditched his aircraft into the Persian Gulf, just to see what it was like to cut-and-run. He vowed never to cut and run again. Since that day our Unwavering Commander has spent every free moment personally fighting the terrorists in Iraq. Some foolish liberals think that when our President takes a vacation, he is actually going to relax. Not so, as we good conservatives know.

President “I am Gonna Kill Em All, Laura” Bush never rests, and he never will until the last terrorist in

Iraq

is dead at his rough and manly hands.

Your child needs to know that someone out there is keeping them safe. I know, it took me almost a week to calm my children down after they found out that Democrats are going to control Congress. Our kids need a hero, and George W. Bush is that man. I imagine they will come out with an entire line of George W. Bush action figures, and I cannot wait to give them to my children, even the girls. I hope to see these ones in the near future:

George W. Bush, Navy Seal: This toy would come with a little piece of rope that your offspring could use to silently garrote a “Jihad Joe” terrorist action figure, or a Barbie who got a little bit too lippy, and tipped of some Jihadist to Bush’s mission.

George W. Bush, Green Beret Sniper: Envision your child’s delight when he imagines being the spotter for our Most Accurate President when he drops a terrorist, or at least someone with a turban, from 2,000 yards out. Press the button on the back of the toy, and your child will get a greeting from the President himself. My favorite is “You gotta kill em, there, kid, or they will kill you when you go try to go poo-poo here.”

George W. Bush, S.W.A.T. Officer: Your eyes will well up with parental pride when you hear your son yelling “Get on the ground, Mohammed, or whatever, you twitch, you die, terrorist scumbag!!!” Your child will spend hours and hours with George, kicking down doors, and shoving the optional “Terror-Toy Muslim Family” figures into the S.W.A.T. van and taking them off to Guantanamo.

Our Great Leader has been keeping

America

safe since

Vietnam

, when he defended the skies of the Great American South from a planned Viet Cong incursion. Let George W. Bush help you have a Merry Christmas this year, and let him defend your children’s bedrooms from the “imaginary” Muslims lurking in the closet.

Moral Mailbox: Onan's Fleshy Pistol

2006-12-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up feeling especially brave, so I’ve decided to sift through some of your inane email messages and respond to a moral query posed to the moral mailbox. I settled on this one:

I have a horrible confession to make and I therefore seek your infinite wisdom and moral genius. I have never touched myself in my entire life but the other day I woke up to find that I had somehow managed to spill my seed in my sleep. - “Mike”

First of all, Mike, let me say that while I’m not a doctor I do know that the event you recount in your email is physiologically impossible. Forgive me if I have trouble believing your far-fetched little story about ejaculating in your sleep. As you know, God is completely aware that such an occurrence is nothing less than the wasting of millions of potential lives. Why would He in His infinite wisdom make this a natural function of your body? I for one know that my body doesn’t work that way. Granted, your story is both disgusting and compelling, but frankly it just does not add up.

Now I think it’s important that we move past the obvious fabrications found in your email and get to the real heart of the matter. In order to do this, I’m going to replace the phrase “in my sleep” above with “while on my couch in the middle of the afternoon covered in sweat, Doritos crumbs, and shame.” I think this correction will serve to make it clear to everyone that you’ve willingly and repeatedly committed the sin of Onan and that’s what we’re really talking about isn’t it, Mike?

But then the question becomes is this really a sin? And my answer in turn becomes, why would you ask me something so incredibly stupid? Of course it is and you need to look no further than the Good Book to confirm that I am right:

And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also. (Gen 38:8-10)

Instead of just marrying his dead brother’s wife and engaging in procreative sex, Onan used the pull-out method and thereby let millions of potential lives fall upon the floor. This left God no choice but to dole out a severe smiting to Onan as He had to his brother before. So remember, Mike, that every time you take yourself into your own hands, you’re playing a dangerous game of Russian roulette with your fleshy pistol. Your next time could well be your last.

Allow me to break this down even further for you: Onan’s couitus interruptus = masturbation = angry God = dead Mike. Got it?

What it boils down to, is that every time you engage in self-love, you’re disrespecting and assaulting your body. Like any good parent, God gets pretty angry with anyone who assaults one of his children. On the other hand, you should know that every time you commit this heinous act, that God is much more reluctant to claim paternity. Once you’ve sinned to the point that you become nobody in the eyes of the Lord then this will make your self-gratification a completely victimless crime. So if getting off is more important to you than getting into Heaven just keep it up, Mike. God will eventually lose interest in you and your disgusting little acts; that is if He doesn’t destroy you first.

God’s Top Three Pet Peeves

2006-12-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

The Good Lord Our Holy God is really getting annoyed with most of you.

Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool. There are, at a minimum, three sins that you must avoid at all costs.

One: Sex that you enjoy.

If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell. Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring. God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth. God did not say that we should go forth and enjoy having sex while multiplying. Any sexual release, other than the male orgasm, is considered by God to be even worse than killing hobos for sport, which is highly frowned upon. Married couples should not enjoy sex, because that is not what God intended. I am not often so frank with you, readers, but you need to understand this message. The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris. I happen to refer to it as “The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever. Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn that may be born through such tainted love-making.

Two: Supporting the Liberal Agenda of Satan.

This major pet-peeve of God is harder to define than the intercourse issue. Satan’s agenda comes in many forms, and you can only rely on Michael and myself to guide your path. First, as I hope you know by now, anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord. I do not mean Voldemort, you idiotic heathens. Try to put aside your carnal lust for Harry Potter for a moment, could you? The only book you need is The Holy Bible. The Bible, when properly read, states that it is harder for a liberal to pass in to heaven than it is for a drunken young girl to live through an encounter with Ted Kennedy. That is pretty difficult, since Ted Kennedy is to nubile, inebriated females what black holes are to light and matter. Remember, anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot, and even considering these ideas will damn you to the deepest reaches of the fire-filled-pit of demonized Democrats.

Three: Selling your Lord for the modern equivalent of thirty pieces of silver.

So, are you a little short on money this winter? First, stop being a lazy and worthless simpleton, and get a better job. If that fails, though, and you still need to heat the house, there is an option. Citgo is offering heating oil for 40% off this winter. There is only one problem with this oil: It is the lubrication that Satan will use to sodomize you in Hell. The Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez, is selling oil to Citgo at this bargain basement price because the Devil himself demanded it. Do you really want to heat your home with the putrefied souls of the damned? This “cheap” oil is laced with chemicals that cause terrible illness in humans, but help to moisturize and refresh the skin of demons. I for one prefer to heat my home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. Joe Kennedy, notorious henchman of the President of Hell and longtime Democrat, is the mouthpiece for this Satanic attack on your home. If you would not let lice-ridden Gypsies inside to steal your children, don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease.

My message is a simple one: If you cross the line, God will not welcome you back into the fold. It does not matter if you are an “innocent” child, or a withered, tube-riddled old bag of flesh. God does not love you by default. You must work each and every day not to cross God. If you sin, you burn, and that is the gospel truth. Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?

Why Am I Thankful This Year?

2006-11-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

What exactly, dear readers, do I have to be thankful for this year? This isn’t a rhetorical question; I’m honestly asking you if you can come up with anything I should express thanks for at my dinner table this evening. We now have a Congress controlled by liberals and the train that is this nation has had an abrupt and last minute schedule change. All aboard! Next stop: imminent death at the hand of Islamofacists. Don’t forget to pick up the remains of your loved ones before you exit the train.

This Thanksgiving, grateful doesn’t exactly describe how I feel.

I guess I could sit in front of my family and tell them that we should all look at this as a chance to bridge the great ideological chasm in this country. We should be thankful, kids, that we have all been given this golden opportunity to stop the partisan bickering and begin to mend the deep wounds we all carry. This election loss is actually a good thing. But for some reason, I just can’t bring myself to lie to my children like that.

I know that a slew of new politically moderate candidates have been elected to represent us. Some would take this as a clear sign that the American public is sick of this kind of partisanship. They want Republicans and Democrats to reach across the aisle and start working together. This incorrectly assumes though that there’s any common ground between the members of God’s Party and the liberals who actively work to destroy America. I assure you that there absolutely isn’t.

If you don’t believe that we conservatives are fundamentally different from liberals then just consider how a typical liberal “family” will celebrate Thanksgiving today. Things will start out normal for them, with a table filled with food and smiling people eagerly eyeing this feast. Obviously nobody will say grace because liberals would sooner die than thank God for anything. They might express thanks for being able to pick up their free range hormone-free turkey along with the organic fair trade yams at their local Hippie-Mart but the Lord’s name certainly wouldn’t be uttered by anyone at this table.

The evening would begin with some light-hearted banter and innocent table conversation. There would obviously be a bit of confusion over which of Timmy’s five gay dads would carve up the turkey. A symbolic place of honor would be set at the front of the table for whatever terrorist leader is popular among liberals at the time.

It wouldn’t take too long for this lovely dinner to devolve into a turkey filled hedonistic orgy. Since this is a family blog I will spare you the despicable details of a writhing pile of naked liberals covered in turkey juices and smeared with mashed potatoes. I certainly won’t tell you what happens as soon as they break out the cranberry sauce flavored lube. The whole thing makes me sick.

So the lesson we should take from this year’s election is not that we need to unite our two incredibly disparate political ideologies, but that we that we need to work harder at destroying the ideology that’s fatally flawed (hint: Liberalism). We need to recruit real conservatives, Michael Gregory Steele conservatives to win back our country from the Democrat’s evil grasp.

This Thanksgiving I think my family can give thanks for that. We are actually presented with a once in a lifetime opportunity here. We can select conservatives so strong and so ideologically pure that they will destroy liberalism for good. It is with this thought in mind that I will sit down, break bread, and be genuinely thankful to be an American.

Moral Mailbox: Do I Deserve to Live?

2006-11-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

We received this very disturbing letter in the Moral Mailbox yesterday, and I felt that it deserved an immediate response. Some things, such as possible homosexual tendencies, cannot be ignored in good conscience.

“Dear Moral mailbox: I shed a tear when I saw that Rick Santorum was going to have the election stolen from him. I have always thought of myself as a manly-man, but I realized that I would miss Rick's smile. Does this make me gay? Do I deserve to live? Does thinking I might be gay make me a liberal? Am I going to Hell?

-Billy in Altoona, Pennsylvania”

Well, Billy, it seems like you have a real situation on your hands here. Let me get one thing clear right off the bat: Yes, you are gay. You “would miss” another man’s smile, and that means that you would like to engage in oil-washed intercourse with that man. I am guessing that wanting to have sex with another male makes you gay, right, that is still the definition in this politically correct world? Tell me, when you look at a picture of Rick Santorum, who I will admit is rather handsome, in a man way, do you simply see him as a sexual object for your gratification? I have no doubt that you do.

As for the next part of your letter, concerning whether or not you deserve to live, I think that Jesus would be the best one to answer that. I might be biased.

I am not saying that you should end your life, since that would be wrong, but your fate is already sealed. Why make God wait to judge you. I am sure he would rather get on with things than wait around for a man-luster like you, Billy boy. Jesus will give you his answer when you get to His door, Billy, and I would not keep Jesus waiting if I were you. Your chances are already dim.

No, Billy, I do not think that being gay makes you a liberal. I, personally, am convinced that being liberal will make you gay.

Liberals are all gays, and all gays are liberals. There is no way to avoid this fact. Most liberals are, of course, in the closet about their sexual preferences, and probably always will be. This is, through some act of Satan, how liberals manage to reproduce and keep their species going. Liberals are the only animal on Earth whose very procreation is based on lies and deceit. If a person is born of lies, of course he will choose the political party of liars, drug users, sodomites, pedophiles, and Nancy Pelosi.

Billy, it is not all your fault that you are a closet liberal. Chances are that your parents are, too. You should be happy, at least, that your mother and father got past their feelings for people of the same sex, and created you.

Of course, you should be less than happy that they lied to you, and told you that you were born conservative. Politics is not a lifestyle choice, young man, it is something you are born with. Liberals are a lesser animal, somewhat like a chimpanzee, or maybe a maggot. It is not your fault that you were born a liberal. Actually, it might be good news for you.

Recent research has shown that liberals may be born without souls, Billy, so you might not be going to Hell after all. You need a soul to enter Heaven, or Hell, so you might not go anywhere. In the meanwhile, I still think liberals are going to Hell, the thought just makes me happy. Have hope, Billy, you might just disappear into nothingness, much like your party-of-birth will be doing soon.

Thank You, Liberals.

2006-11-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

This is all your fault, you miserable liberals. You have put

America

on a very dangerous path with all of your recent interest in voting.

We Republicans know that all is not lost for us, and we will do fine. You Democrats follow fads like mice follow cheese, and soon the fad of voting will be over with. Soon you will all forget about having your voices heard, and go back to watching gays on television making houses look like homosexual sodomy nests. I am not sure that you understand how much danger you have put all of us in, though, in the meanwhile.

I cannot blame Donald Rumsfeld for stepping down. He, even though he is one of the toughest men on Earth, probably does not want to get blown to little bits in his office.

You liberals have opened the door, and the terrorists are walking right through it. They will be sure to wipe their feet, though, on the faces of those that you love. Rumsfeld knows that since the Democrats are in power, no one is safe, especially not the Secretary of Defense. Would you want to keep going to work if you could assume that any morning you could open your office door to find Osama pointing a gun at you while molesting your “executive assistant”?

Go ahead, liberals, celebrate. Just make sure that you hang your Taliban flag off the front porch of your house, so the terrorists know that you are their friend. I, for one, am going to continue to fly my good old American flag. I still love this country, and besides, I own lots and lots of guns. I will never forgive you for putting myself and my family in danger.

I guess now is the point at which I should congratulate you all for winning and try not to wonder too much about just how a group of unorganized, unwashed, and unsaved liberals managed to take control of Congress. I suppose the Republican Party is partly to blame for this, though. They were simply all too tired from governing, foiling terrorist plots, and winning election after election to even realize that you liberals would be able to somehow steal dozens of elections across this country. You know you cheated, I know you cheated and God certainly knows you cheated, but that is a topic for another day. Now I would ask you to raise your glasses and toast to your success. Drink fast, though, because your victory will be a short lived one.

If you put together the names of the top twenty Demon-crats that were voted in by you fools, you can spell the word “terror”. How could you vote for terror? I think you liberals should be locked up and studied, to see why your brains fail to function properly. Is there some kind of different synapse in there? Perhaps one that tells you to do things that are not in what we tell you is your best interest.

You are going to die; you do realize that, right? If the terrorists, your invited guests, don’t kill you, something else that you have caused will. For instance, the Democrats are working on a program of “retroactive abortions” where you could be killed up to forty years after your birth, if people decide that you are unwanted, or if you might get in the way of someone having a good time.

Wait, I have an idea! Why don’t you liberals just combine the two ideas of terrorism and retroactive abortion?

That way you could actually fund the Islmo-aborto-fascists as they go about their evil and disgusting work. Make sure that you have some quotas in place, though, you will need to be sure that you have some gay terrorists on the payroll.

Thank you, Liberal America. Thank you for taking away the sense of safety and security that the Republicans gave me. Thank you for taking away the knowledge that my anus was mine to do with what I please, keeping it tightly clenched. Thank you for destroying everything that I hold dear. Enjoy your two years of power, please. We will be taking over again in 2008, if you animals leave us enough America to reclaim.

Note: This post was authored by both Herman B. Hayes and Michael Gregory Steele.

Santorum and the Republicans Win by a Landslide!

2006-11-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Rick Santorum has defeated Bob Casey by one of the largest margins in the history of Pennsylvania! God has once again proven that the Republican Party is the only true path to follow, and all will remain right, literally, with the world. We have won, Christian Soldiers, and victory is ours !

In the final tally, Bobby "How Could This Happen To Me?" Casey received only 20% of the vote in Pennsylvania! Even people who had claimed to be Democrats finally came to their senses and realized the Bob Casey is probably a slightly worse being than even Satan himself. I guess it just makes sense. Why would you ever vote for a man who wants to take away your guns, let homosexuals sodomize you and your sons, and who will let Osama be his chief advisor? We all knew that Rick Santorum was the man to vote for, and it pleases me that my state has not become the site of an embarrassing defeat for the Neo-Conservative crusade against evil. Pennsylvania is, and ever shall remain, a Red State.

Another factor in today’s crushing defeat of Bobby-Satan-Casey could have been the weather.

Slight drizzle prevailed over much of the state today, and as we all know, that kind of horrible weather is all it takes to keep weak-willed little liberals snug in their beds. Beds, that is, that are not crawling with jihadists due to the hard work of the Republican Party and real men like Rick Santorum. God has smiled upon us once again by unleashing a Heavenly assault of fine particles of rain upon Pennsylvania. Thank you for the misty sprinkles of Your love.

It was not just Pennsylvania, though, that the Republicans did so well in. All across this good and holy land, conservatives defeated the forces of the Devil in 89% of all races.

I guess people really do understand that we are winning in Iraq, and people are able to grasp the vile Democratic concepts of homosexual evil, forced sodomy, the myth of global warming, and so on and so forth down the line. I am simply astounded that in 11% of races held today, the forces of pure evil were able to prevail. I guess that some people just don’t understand that when you see a “D” by the name of a candidate, you might as well substitute a “T” for Taliban.

Tonight the Hayes home will be a house of celebration as we raise a toast to Senator Santorum-of-Christ, and all the Republican candidates who did so very well today.

Republicans from all over the state will be there, and we will be happy for an evening before we begin the hard work of crushing evil and preventing flag burning and anal sex again on Wednesday. Finally, the Democrats have been crushed. They will never recover, and that is reason enough for me to raise my glass.

Our drinks will be poured by minimum wage workers, who make $5.15 an hour, which is enough for any family if you spend it right and don't waste money.

In his concession speech earlier this evening, Bobby "Oh So Many Tears" Casey tried to convince us that he was proud of his campaign staffers. It will be a dark day when I coddle my lazy and shiftless runaways from the welfare rolls when they fail me at my refinery, or at my poolside bar. They did not do well, Mr. Casey, and they did not "try their best". They failed, you failed, and you should never show your face in public again. God has spoken, Mr. Casey, and he has declared you too liberal for heaven, and just liberal enough for Hell.

A note from Herman: I am writing this post a little bit early, since I am throwing a lavish victory celebration this evening. The numbers and statistics that I use are subject to change, but I doubt they will change by very much.

Update: Due to certain technical issues, our victory celebration has been cancelled.

The Election and the Gay Problem

2006-11-05T20:20:00.000-05:00

We’ve got a problem, my conservative compatriots - a big gay problem. Given all the homosexual Republican stories in the news lately I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Now this particular problem won’t be solved by you sitting home on Tuesday and sulking. We all need to get out and do our civic duty by voting Republican and suppressing Democratic votes when the opportunity presents itself. Don’t let a couple news stories about guerrilla sodomites within the conservative ranks influence the outcome of this election. You wouldn’t let a homosexual cut your hair so why would you let one of them influence who is chosen to be your representatives for Congress?

I admit that it’s discouraging to see all the negative stories about Republicans being reported in the news lately. It’s not so much the stories of influence peddling and corrupt lobbyists that really bother me. I’m a businessman myself and I know that making a living can get legally complicated sometimes. You know I’m not looking to criminalize success here. I would have no problem looking the other way if I saw a Republican official taking a bribe, but if I caught this same official oiled up and wrestling with another man in his office then I would look the other way only so I could find a trashcan to vomit into. From there I would do everything in my power to destroy him.

It’s the news stories that involve conservatives and gay sex that really hurt the most.

In fact, this recent story about the now former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard, and his alleged engagement in a homosexually gay coital love tryst with an equally gay prostitute has deeply upset me. It’s especially distressing because of how often Haggard communicated with the White House and how hard he fought for Christian values. He may have seemed like such a morally upright individual but I guess he fooled us. I’m most upset that he allowed this to happen at a time when it’s so politically inconvenient for the Republicans, but I guess it just goes to show that gay men are concerned about sex above all else (ok, so I already knew that).

I admit that the Republican Party has a very serious problem. This Haggard story coupled with the recent scandal surrounding former Representative Mark Foley and those congressional pages makes this abundantly clear. We all know that there are far too many gays masquerading as Republicans within the Party of God and that their very presence undermines our collective moral authority. I understand that dealing with this gay problem is incredibly important but it’s not the only issue we have to consider this Tuesday.

We can all work on purging the Republican Party of homos after this election is won. Right now we need to ensure that Republicans retain control of Congress. I shouldn’t need to remind anyone that we are still engaged in a war against Islamofacists who want to kill us. The Republicans are the only ones equipped to stand up to the terrorists and to keep us alive and I think you know that.

If you’re still thinking of staying home then maybe you should consider the following scene:

Osama Bin Ladin enters the voting booth so that he can do his part to ensure a big win for the Democratic Party. He smiles as he dreams of an America without the strong Republican leadership necessary to foil his sinister terrorist plots. Liberals in power would mean no more War on Terror and nobody to stand in his way. A great sadness fills Osama’s heart though as he soon realizes that Americans would never be foolish enough to leave themselves so vulnerable. Osama hangs his head dejectedly as he turns around to exit his voting booth. Then without speaking Mark Foley and Ted Haggard slip into the booth alongside the soulless jihadist. Both gay “conservatives” begin stroking Osama’s course beard and sensuously rubbing his broad shoulders. Foley then guides Osama’s hand back to the voting machine with his firm yet gentle grip. The lever drops and Osama’s vote is cast. America’s fate is sealed.

We can’t allow the Democrats/terrorists to win next week and we shouldn’t let the gays influence this election. So vote Republican on Tuesday and I promise you that we’ll start working on this gay problem come Wednesday.

We Must Do What it Takes to Win

2006-10-31T11:27:00.000-05:00

Here we are readers, in the final stretch of the election cycle. We are solidly in the lead, and it looks like very little can stand in our way. So, while Satan-loving-leftists and their unfortunate children are dressing up as demons, ghouls and liberal ax murderers going door to door begging for food, let us take a moment to examine how we can make sure we win this year.

The fact of the matter is simple: Politics has nothing to do with how you play the game. I hear people telling their children that winning is not the important part of a competitive activity, and then they say some stupid little platitude about it being “how you play the game.” No, no, no, that is just some banal phrase that silly lefties use to explain to their children that it is ok to be a wishy-washy little doormat for my Republican children to wipe their blessed feet on.

Winning is, in fact, everything. Nothing that we do, as Republicans, is wrong or amoral if we win. You, the man on the street, can do so much to help our cause, and if you want to live in a free society where no one is allowed or encouraged to sodomize you every time you leave your house, you will.

There is nothing wrong with bending the truth in order to ensure a win. I personally am a big fan of having my people hang flyers for a Republican candidate on telephone poles in Democratic neighborhoods. Just make sure you put the wrong date on the flyer, and there you go. Even if someone with half a brain notices and complains, there will be no ramifications. Remember, it is not election “fraud” if you screw up a flyer for your own candidate. If all you liberals out there are too stupid to know that Election Day is November 8, 2007, then it is not my problem. That is right, Democrats, in case no one has mentioned it yet, you are expected to get out there and do your civic duty. See you at the polls on the eighth of November, I hope!

Urban areas are traditionally strongholds of the left, since they enjoy things such as drugs and prostitution. Aside from using the fake signs, another way to help keep down the vote in an urban area is to put up flyers offering "free chicken and a forty" with directions leading people away from polling places.

Remember, nothing we can do is wrong; we are the Party of God! God helps those who help themselves to the spoils of political victory. If we let the Democrats win, then all is lost. You will be subjected to depravity the likes of which the world has never seen. Death squads will be seen as a blessed relief by the time the sodomy squads, abortion squads, and Chomsky squads have had their way with you. Your children will be sent to “Evolution Schools” where all knowledge of the Bible and of God will be drummed out of their heads. Your job will be taken away, and given to someone who will tell you to “cleen ooot you desk, mang, ees meen now, mang”, and you will have no choice but to comply. “Vote for Pedro” shirts will no longer be a humorous item. Hippies will be allowed to eat in any restaurant they want, and they might even be able to share drinking fountains with us! We must not allow this to come to pass.

Get out there and suppress that vote, Christian Soldiers. There is only so much that Diebold and our other friends can do. The rest is up to us, and God.

Second Santorum Political Ad

2006-10-27T00:05:00.000-04:00

It's nearly November and Bob Casey has apparently decided that a Senate seat is more important than a seat in Heaven. That's the only conclusion I can come to when I see Bob Casey continue to openly oppose Rick Santorum, a man the Lord is more than fond of.

In order to help right things we at Conservatives for American Values have decided to commission a second ad. If Casey insists on remaining in this race then he leaves us no choice but to expose him for who he really is.

Reelect Rick Santorum, for a less depraved Pennsylvania and a better America.

Republicans Lead in the Honest-to-God Poll.

2006-10-25T11:29:00.000-04:00

Our most recent Honest-to-God Poll© tells a very different story than the Satanist mainstream media. Republicans are going to mop the floor with those foolish little liberals this year. There will be no flip-flopping of the House or the Senate…we leave that to the liberals.

No, there is not going to be a landslide of Democratic wins, nor will there be a tidal wave, tsunami, or very large ripple. There will be massive flooding, however, by which I mean a massive flood of Republican victories. Let’s take a look at the questions and the responses. Our questions, of course, are not intended to inflence the answers given.

“Would you rather vote for a Republican, or would you rather let a Democrat sodomize members of your family? If you are gay, simply indicate that you are hellbound, and we will move on to the next question.”

Not surprisingly, 73% of those polled indicated that they would vote for a Republican before they would let a Democrat sodomize a loved-one. This kind of landslide has a name in the political world, and it is called a “mandate.” 25% of those remaining asked whether the family member was male or female, and many asked if they could watch. I am going to assume that these were the Democrats we called. One gentleman from Florida did, however, ask if he could sodomize someone young and male. This man identified himself as a Republican, but he must have been lying. The final two percent identified themselves as either gay or stupid by hanging up the phone, and probably crying themselves to sleep.

“Everyone knows that Republicans will keep you safe, and everyone knows that Democrats will cede their leadership to the Taliban if they are elected. How does that make you feel?”

Open ended questions are difficult to do when polling. However, it works well if you lump the answers into groups, and the results are still telling. 20% said that they were enraged by this, and that they would leave their ramshackle trailer on Election Day, walk to the polling place in their tattered shoes, and vote for Bush. I did not have the heart to tell them that we cannot re-elect Bush until 2008, but you understand their fervor. 50% laughed at this question, apparently thinking that it was funny. Yes, really, nothing is funnier to me than making sure we have enough turbans lying around for our new leaders. On the upside, at least Nancy Pelosi would have no chance in Hell of being Speaker of the House if the Taliban was in charge. The remaining thirty percent muttered insults at our pollsters, and hung up, presumably to commit the Sin of Onan and eat Doritos.

“Who do you consider a bigger threat to your security, Democrats or terrorists? Keep in mind that terrorists have guns and bombs, while democrats are channels for all the evil energies of Satan, and, as we all know, have disgusting sexual habits, use drugs, and want to melt your guns into homosexual playthings.”

60% of those polled postulated that terrorists were the larger threat to their security. It is safe for us to consider that these respondents are all Democrats, since only a Democrat would dare to make the claim that terrorism has not been destroyed by President Bush and the War for the Peace and Freedom and Happiness and Ecstatic Joy of Iraq. Republicans can use terror in campaign speeches, however, to remind the people to be afraid of their own shadow, a shadow that only a conservative can protect them from. We know that is an effective campaign tool. 39% claim that Democrats are a bigger threat to their safety. These are the good God fearing Republicans of the lot, who know that a Democrat is the most terrifying thing a man, woman, or especially a child will ever face. Remember, though, my friends, we have something that they do not…a faith and trust in God and the Second Amendment. The remaining one percent declined to answer, in effect saying that they were too stupid to be afraid of anything. Apparently they have never stumbled upon an image of Hillary Clinton in a bathing suit.

So there we have it, the truth about the American political scene, brought to you by the Conservatives for American Values Honest-to-God Poll©. You know you can trust us, and you know you can trust your honestly elected Republican leaders. Election time is close, followers, and it is time to cover this nation in red! Red as in victories for us, of course, not red as in blood flowing freely from the victims of the Democrats…

Santorum Political Ad

2006-10-13T00:31:00.000-04:00

With November quickly approaching Herman and I feel that we need to do everything we can to ensure that God's favorite Senator, Rick Santorum remains in office. So we put together this political ad which explains why you should vote for Santorum and why his opponent Bob Casey is an absolutely disgraceful human being.

Spread the word and help keep Santorum's seat safe.

Guest Post: The Enemy Within

2006-10-11T14:31:00.000-04:00

While Herman and I put the finishing touches on a political ad we hope to be premiering here this Friday, please enjoy the following guest post from my colleague and friend Robert S. Larkin:

On September 29th, 2006 President Bush made a statement in which he declared that those who criticize the war in Iraq are embracing the "enemy's propaganda."

What President Bush didn't make clear, and which he should have, is exactly whose propaganda the war critics are lapping up. While it is obvious that the propaganda is from Al Qaeda, it appears that most people have overlooked which faction of Al Qaeda has distributed it to the American people.

Perhaps President Bush didn't want to panic the American people by pointing out that the propaganda in the National Intelligence Estimate was written by United States government agencies.

You read that correctly. Our government has been infiltrated by Al Qaeda operatives and they are actively indoctrinating others in the government. This is not a new tactic. In fact, I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five operatives that were known to former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright as being members of Al Qaeda and who nevertheless were still working and shaping the policy of the State Department right before President Bush took office.

This is why as Americans we should be grateful that the Republican lead Congress has just passed a bill that eliminates habeas corpus, bans torture (a rather vague term if you ask me), and allows brutally effective interrogation techniques such as water boarding.

This new bill in conjunction with our domestic spying program will allow the President to weed out those within our ranks that are subverting the United States while allowing us to also extract reliable information by nearly drowning these traitors and obstructionists.

It is clear by the publication of the NIE that our greatest enemy is national intelligence and we must work tirelessly to cut this cancer from our society. We can all rest easier knowing that our government now has the tools to accomplish this.

President Bush's leadership in this area is clearly Americanism with its sleeves rolled up.

Mr. President, thank you for putting this nation on the right track.

Welcome, Soon To Be Followers

2006-10-09T00:05:00.000-04:00

I would like to personally extend my welcome to the latest influx of godless liberals from both Fark and Netscape. I’m glad that your curiosity about how the other half lives has brought you to our door. And by “the other half” I mean those with a coherent political ideology and who aren’t bound for the fiery and eternal pit of torment. I’d ask that you wipe your feet as you enter so as to not track sin into our home.

I’m very excited that you Farkers especially have taken time out of your busy schedule of Photoshoping “O Rly” owls to devote some energy to your personal salvation. So for everyone who’s new here to get a sense for our mission, we’d like to present you with a list of posts from the last several months that we feel are representative of our righteous mission. You might not agree with everything Herman and I have to say, but you will. In the meantime just try not to agitate our followers by openly disagreeing with anything we have written.

Forgiving the Republican Party

2006-10-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

Ok everyone, just take a deep breath and try not to lose faith. I know some of you are distressed about this whole “former Republican Representative Mark Foley sexually abusing underage pages because he’s a sex crazed homosexual” story all over the news, but let’s try not to overreact. Just stay calm and don’t even entertain the thought of staying home from the polls this November.

Values voters I am making an appeal to all of you. I’m asking that you not forget forgiveness when thinking of your personal values. Please fellow Christians, forgive the Republican Party for allowing a gay man to slither into God’s party. I know you’re all upset and disgusted but let’s just try not to throw the baby Jesus out with the bathwater.

Let me be perfectly clear here, if former Representative and current homosexual Mark Foley actually committed these heinous acts, then this is absolutely unforgivable. And let me further state, that if anyone in the Republican leadership had prior knowledge of Foley’s actions and refused to act then they too are culpable.

In fact, ever since Foley’s resignation there’s been a lot of talk about what Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert knew and when he knew it. Even members of his own party are calling for Hastert to resign from his leadership post for not acting on this Foley situation. I’m not so quick to call for the head of Denny Hastert though.

There’s something you have to remember about Hastert and Republicans in general, they’re inexperienced sinners. Would you really expect Hastert, a poor naïve representative from Illinois to understand any of this child molestation business? He’s not a Democrat so he has no frame of reference for any of this. So let’s not tar and feather the poor man just because he was far too innocent to understand the seriousness of all of this.

Think of how embarrassing it was for Hastert to have one of his staffers explain just what Foley was doing during those sexually explicit IM conversations. I mean just look at the Hastert’s sweet and innocent face above; do you really think he could have understood this kind of depravity? If I had my way Hastert would have remained innocent just a bit longer. Those pages aren’t the only victims in all this.

Hastert may never be able to get his innocence back, but we can prevent the entire Republican Party from becoming victims. It would be beyond foolish to let this whole situation deter you from going to the polls and voting for Republican candidates. If you allow the Democrats to win this November then you are responsible for every page that a Democrat molests. Democrats have a lifetime of sinning under their belts and they’ll continue to sin while in office. The main difference is that Democrats know how to molest a congressional page without getting caught. Think about that this November.

Don’t Take a Page from Foley’s Book

2006-10-04T10:33:00.000-04:00

Mark Foley has put the Republican Party in a bad position, but I am sure that not all the blame can be rested on him alone.

In my opinion, Mark Foley is a victim here. He has been victimized by the “teenage boys”, a priest, and the Democrats. We know this is a Democratic ploy to hurt conservatives in the month before an election. That much is obvious. I think there is something a bit more sinister than that going on here, though. Something is not right about Mark Foley trying to have sex with children, beyond trying to have sex with children.

I am blaming a good portion of this on the pages in question. Why are they hiding from us? Is it because they are in their 50’s and chatting online in their donkey print pajamas? Chances are that Mark Foley was having internet sex with Howard Dean.

This smells of a liberal sting operation, and I know it has been in the works for years now. I want to see these “children” on the news this evening. If they are so sweet and innocent, surely there is no reason to hide them behind a veil of secrecy. I want to see them, I want to know that they are not full-grown liberal hit-men on a mission to take down Mark Foley and the House leadership. On the topic of Hastert, of course he should not step down. Someone handed him some emails that seemed “overly friendly”. Is being nice a crime? It is not like they brought him a box full of severed heads found in Foley’s office.

If they are really children, then the dirty little sluts had it coming. Much like many other situations, sometimes the victim gets what they asked for.

Children of that age are not really children, mind you. Sixteen year olds may have heard about sex from evil liberal teachers, or may have even heard about it from the children of liberal parents. Mark Foley is a man of weak moral character, and it is obvious that he was susceptible to the sexual assault launched upon him by these “innocent children”. “I have a package for you,Congressman”, can only be read one way when you are a man like Foley. That way is, of course, “I would like to have internet based sexual activity with you, Congressman. Oh, here is that package from FedEx you so lustfully desired, in the same way I know you desire my penis. I want you too, Senator Sexy-Pants.”

Come on, Foley, you can do better than “I was molested by a priest.” Try replacing priest with “Democratic councilman from my hometown”, and it will be a little more helpful to us.

“Molested by a priest” is the second oldest one in the book, right after “the devil made me do it”. The priest thing is so very over-used as an excuse for having a weak moral character. Oh, and of course it is a lie, since priests are men of God and do not do things like that, ever. You are simply joining hundreds and hundreds of other liars with no credibility. No one is biting, Mark, and you really are not helping our situation. You need to attack some liberals here, even if your attacks are all lies. Help spread the blame around. Soften the blow, if you will. I know that it would be difficult for you to hurt your real party like that, but you should at least try.

You did read that right. Mark Foley is a closet homosexual, and that makes him a closet Democrat.

It is not possible to be a homosexual and be a Republican at the same time. Our Good and Holy God does not allow such abominations to roam the Earth. Foley was, probably unbeknownst to himself, a Democratic operative, out to do major damage to the Republican Party. We need to stop this baseless smear campaign before it goes any further. There is nothing to see here, folks, move along. I hear that there are some Democrats planning to kill some babies. They are calling it “abortion”. Get yourselves all up in arms about that, instead.

Mark Foley was a weak willed closet Democrat-sexual who was either led on by predatory children, or was tricked by liberal smear-merchants. Either way, remember, more Democrats than Republicans will be taking “pages” from Foley’s now-available little black book.

Conservationism, the Subtle Satanism

2006-10-02T00:05:00.000-04:00

It’s no secret that all liberals openly defy and undermine the Lord in everything they do. No rational person would debate this point. Sometimes though the ways in which they spit in the face of everything that is sacred can be subtle. Tree-hugging conservationists are one group of liberals that are too often underestimated by us morally minded Christians.

We all know that Muslims, atheists, homo insurgents, and other liberals pose a very real threat to Christianity and the American way of life. Too often though we ignore the moral threat posed by the bearded granola-eating vegans among us. It’s not that these anemic leaf-munchers pose much of a physical threat to anyone who doesn’t resemble a soy plant, but when their depraved ideas permeate our culture then they can pose a true moral danger to all of us.

In fact, the basic philosophical ideas of these nature loving freaks show a fundamental disrespect for The Lord. God has given us tall sturdy trees with which to build, precious shimmering oil to power our cars, and delicious meaty animals to eat, all in great abundance. When we don’t take full advantage of these gifts then we can’t be surprised when God takes it a bit personally.

To better understand my point, consider the following. Not surprisingly, I am a wonderful provider for my family. I always make sure we have enough money to keep the Steele family fridge stocked with enough food that my children will never know hunger. I also would never allow my children to eat only small portions of food so as to “conserve” what’s in that fridge.

I never want Michael Jr. to open our refrigerator door and to wonder what’s going to happen when the peanut butter is all gone. He shouldn’t ever think about that. All that he needs to know is that there’s always a jar of Jif in that fridge whenever he reaches for it. For him to think otherwise would mean he doesn’t trust in me as a provider or father.

And what if Michael Jr. refused to drink any of the Sunny D in our fridge because he wanted to appreciate it in its natural and unopened splendor? If he did, then he’d receive a very stern and harsh punishment from me. I simply can’t allow my children to take for granted what I have given them, and I know that God feels the same way.

What it boils down to is that anyone who cries all day about global warming or who devotes any time to worrying about endangered species has no trust in God. If we need more oil or more spotted owls then God will simply restock the fridge. Don’t disrespect the Almighty by worrying about what’s going to happen when we clear-cut all the forests and pollute the air.

Why take the chance of insulting the Almighty just because a couple of hippies tell you it’s the right thing to do? I ignore these unwashed reprobates and refuse to even recycle my newspapers. If you don’t follow my example, don’t be surprised if you find yourself among the unsaved. And after the rapture while you’re raiding Earth’s fridge which at that point is filled with nothing but expired condiments, Jesus and I will share a good hearty laugh in Heaven at your expense.

Santorum Leads in the Poll

2006-09-28T15:47:00.001-04:00

Santorum is simply crushing his Satanist opponent, Bobby Casey, in the polls. This election is in the bag, folks!

Certain liberal polls, such as those from Zogby, Pew, and Quinnipiac, have Casey in the lead. However, I am sure you have learned by now you simply cannot trust anyone but us, and possibly Fox News, for your political and spiritual information.

We are proud to introduce to you the Conservatives for American Values “Honest-to-God” Poll ^TM. Now you can get a real look at the issues, from someone you trust.

This week’s poll compares Bobby “Kitten Rapist” Casey and Rick “Jesus really really loves me” Santorum. We polled roughly 1000 people, at “random”, and asked them a series of questions related to the candidates. Our polls, since they are conducted with the help of God, have no rate of sampling error. Here are the results, broken down to appeal to even the most stupid amongst you.

“Do you intend to vote for Mr. Santorum or Mr. Casey, the pedophile, in the upcoming mid-term election?”

72 % of respondents said they would vote for Santorum, who they considered to be a good and honest man with nothing but love in his heart for everyone. 20% stated that they would vote for Casey. Our phone-pollsters reported hearing sounds of satanic worship and possible bestiality in the backgrounds of the calls to Casey supporters. 8% were deemed too dumb to know how to vote, or they had names that sounded Islamic.

“Is Bobby “Lying Jerk” Casey more evil, or is Rick Santorum closer to being God-like?”

The results were very interesting here, and I must admit that I am slightly surprised. 52% of those polled think that Rick Santorum is closer to being God-like than Bobby Casey. However, only 2% claimed that Casey is more evil, even though our pollsters said “Bobby Casey” using a snake-like hiss. 46% of those answering picked options that were not part of the poll, such as “What are you talking about?”, “What kind of question is that?” and “Bob Casey is a good and honorable man, and you should not try to hurt him like this!” Those who answered in a similar manner were reported to mental health agencies in their area, since they are obviously sick, sick people.

“How much do you hate Bobby “I will kill your kids” Casey, or, if you do not hate the candidate, how much do you despise him? Or, if you approve of Casey, why do you like porn and drugs?”

The responses here were a touch confusing. I assume this is because many of those polled simply did not understand the subtle nature of the question. 26% of those polled said that they hate Casey “A lot”, “tons”, or “so much I cannot see straight”. Yet another 26% claim to hate Casey “beyond words”, or “more than I could ever say”. The remaining respondents claimed to not hate Bobby “Pass the Weed, Dogg” Casey, and also claimed not to be fans of porn and drugs. Most claimed to like Bobby “Bong-Hit" Casey, as a matter of fact. Now, we know that all liberals are on drugs and are aficionados of pornography. It is not worth trying to lie to the Honest-to-God poll. We know your real opinions, and that is how we will mark your answers.

From what we now know, it is obvious that Bobby “Son of Satan” Casey will be finished this November. Rick Santorum holds a commanding lead in the only poll that matters, and his future is assured.

Chavez Plays With Hellfire

2006-09-25T07:30:00.000-04:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has got a lot of nerve. The communist leader has long thumbed his nose at America and her freedoms, but this time Chavez has taken things too far. Instead of just verbally assaulting America from afar, Hugo has decided to make things personal by continually insulting our President during his recent visit here to the United States.

In fact, while making his address to the U.N. in New York last week, Chavez used the opportunity to cement his reputation as the Hispanic Howard Dean:

"The devil came here yesterday," Chavez said, referring to Bush, who addressed the world body during its annual meeting Tuesday. "And it smells of sulfur still today."

I actually watched the footage on TV while Chavez made these incendiary remarks. One thing I noticed though is that Chavez never actually called Bush “the devil” during his speech, but instead referred to him as “el Diablo.” After spending years listening to the incomprehensible gibberish spewed by my gardeners I can recognize Spanish when I hear it and this little moronic diatribe was made in Spanish.

Look, if you’re going to cross the Mexican border, like Chavez presumably did en route from Venezuela, and come to this country you’d better know how to speak the language. Now I’m sure Hugo knew pretty far in advance that he would be addressing the U.N. here in the good old U.S. of A. He had plenty of notice. He could have at very least learned a few English words so that when he spat on everything we stand for, he could do it in our native tongue. If you’re going to insult the President of the United States on American soil, at least have the decency not to do it in Spanish.

Now let’s move on to the actual substance of Chavez’s remarks. Again, he called President Bush, a leader hand-picked by the Almighty, Satan. Unbelievable! But this just begs the question, why would the Lord pick His greatest foe to rule over His favored nation? The whole thing just defies common sense.

Another point to consider is that the devil would have great difficulty climbing the ranks within the Republican Party, the party of God and moral values. Maybe he could get elected to a local post like county commissioner but certainly not president. I think it’s quite clear that if Satan ever wanted to find himself in the White House, he’d have to do so with a “(D)” after his name. Even then it would be quite a struggle for Beelzebub to make it through the Democratic Party primary with all those far-left liberal delegates questioning whether he’s truly evil enough to represent the Democratic Party.

But all of this talk about Satan’s presidential prospects is taking me away from my main point – Hugo Chavez is a godless communist who made a tremendous error in judgment by insulting President Bush. It would be wise for Mr. Chavez to keep a lower profile and keep his Spanish-speaking mouth shut. If Chavez continues to taunt us, he may leave America no choice but to unleash a devastating wave of freedom and democracy upon his nation. I also think it’s high time that Hugo Chavez learned a few words of English. Maybe, just maybe, he could begin by slowly and carefully sounding out the word “sorry.”

Democrats Will Let Terrorists Kill You

2006-09-21T12:34:00.000-04:00

We have elections coming up, and while we have taken steps to make sure they go our way, there is still a chance that some Democrats might slip through the cracks.

This cannot be allowed to happen. Of course, I hate Democrats because of their love of killing babies, their rampant use of drugs, and because they are hoping for God to get cancer and die. These are reasons enough to wish for the eradication of an entire political party. What worries me, though, is how much liberals love terrorists and terrorism in general. The sight of dead American bodies does for Democrats like the sight of naked 12 year old boys does for, well, Democrats.

If we allow the Demon-crats to take control of Congress they will draft legislation that will allow terrorists to come over here and kill us all.

No, I do not have any proof to back up the above statement, however, if you do not trust me by now you are more of a fool than I thought. Liberals want you to die so that they can claim that our Esteemed Leader, President Bush, failed to keep you safe. They will claim that it was the leader of the prior administration that got Americans killed. Republicans would never stoop to the level of blaming that whore Bill Clinton for 9-11, but the liberals will not be so kind.

Do you want to die? Vote for the Democrat Party!

The American-hating liberals use the stupid donkey as their symbol. I used to think this meant that even they thought they were asses, but I am starting to doubt that is the case. Donkeys are pack animalsÂof death. If you were to be so stupid as to vote for a liberal, you would be inviting a donkey loaded with dynamite and anthrax into your living room. If you love your family you will make sure to vote Republican this November. There is no other way to stay alive. By the way, they will take NASCAR off the air, and replace it with the "Britney Spears Pregnancy and Booze Hour".

You liberals might as well just kill yourselves instead of voting. The end result would be the same, and you would save us a ton of money on the clean-up.

I know that you liberals out there love it when we are attacked by terrorists. If it were up to you, Bin Laden would be named as the head of Homeland Security. Some of us prefer not to be blown into oblivion because you Emo-Crats need something to go home and cry yourselves to sleep over, however. Leave us good God Fearing Republicans alone, please. Why donÂt you just move to the Middle East and vote for some terrorist lovers over there?

The issues are simple: Republicans will keep you safe and healthy. Democrats will essentially come to your house, then rape and kill your family while sodomizing your pets and doing crack on your couch. Then they will tax you for their time.

By the way, the image for this post was sent to the Moral Mailbox by a five year old child. This is how he sees Democrats in his dreams. His parents, thank God, are good Republican citizens.

An Arab Family Has Moved in Next Door

2006-09-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

My world is no longer safe, dear readers. An Islamic family now lives beside my Christian household.

I will be straight with you, folks. I do not like having my house blown up. I do not like having car bombs going off on my street in the middle of the night. I prefer not to have to hear someone yelling “jihad” every time I walk out to get the paper. I really, really, do not like hearing strange chanting noises multiple times each day. I am not happy about this development in my life, and I am sure you would feel the same way.

Apparently the neighborhood committee thinks that letting brown people move onto my little cul-de-sac of Christian peace is a good idea. What is next, Satanists?

Sure, maybe my views are a little bit old fashioned, but that does not mean that they are wrong. I know that men having sex with men is all the rage right now, for instance, but I have never considered myself to be a trend follower. I am not an inclusive man, and I will go to Heaven for just that reason. Just because Rosie O’Donnell says that each and every Christian should be shot on sight does not mean that I am going to grab one of my many guns and start shooting my children, does it?

I know that Mahmuud is doing something sinister in that “Garage of Terror” that he spends so much time in.

Don’t try to tell me that he is working on his lawn mower, because I know better than that. I am sure that any day now he will be having tons and tons of sand delivered so that he can live in the desert again. A lawn mover will be of little use then, will it not? I bet that he is rigging that self-propelled mower with explosives. It would be easy, then, for him to fire it up and send it on a collision course with the side of my house. I would be even more un-nerved if he had a lawn tractor…he would then make himself the slowest moving suicide bomber ever.

Basketball? It seems like Mahmuud is teaching his children how to make a three-pointer through my kitchen window…with a grenade.

I am unsettled by how this man spends so much time outside with his children. Islamic types don’t play sports, so why is he teaching his children these skills? To kill me and my family, that is why! My kids are great at sports, as all red-blooded Americans are, but I am not sure that I want to send them outside to play defense against a crop of Little-Tyke terrorists. Sure, there could be innocent reasons why an Arab is teaching his children how to play various sports, but I only see the sinister truth behind this family bonding experience. You know what they say over there, right? “The family that kills infidels together stays together for an eternal reward, based on how many Christians they have murdered.”

No good will come of this, I promise you. May Christ save my family, we are going to need it.

Today Mahmuud is building what appears to be a jungle-gym in his back yard. I think that I have seen similar structures in videos of terrorist training camps. Soon he and his brood will be climbing my trellises to attack my home. Worse yet, my wife cannot even borrow cooking ingredients that she has foolishly run out of. We do not eat hummus and falafels in the Hayes household. I am not a big fan of roasted goat heads, either. I like it when my neighbors make my life easier, but I can see that this will not be the case ever again.

I think I would rather have a black family move in next to me. I could always bullet-and-sound proof my house, and at least then my wife could borrow a cup of sugar if need be, but only if she wore her body armor.

God Demands That We Profit from 9-11

2006-09-13T18:14:00.000-04:00

As we have seen in the days since the fifth anniversary of September 11^th, the liberals and the godless have forgotten about September 11^th.

There is a hole in America, and it is called “Ground Zero”. There are sixteen acres of ground there, just waiting for someone to remember the lessons of 9-11, and to remember what America is all about. I know that my fellow conservatives have not forgotten that day, we remember it always, and we try not to let you feeble-minded fools forget either. Why do these acres of hallowed ground stand empty, though?

The liberals are at fault: they want to subvert the true meaning of freedom, and the will of God.

The terrorists are winning each and every day that Ground Zero is not making money. Remember, this was not a Kentucky Fried Chicken that these Islamo-Fascist-Neo-Barbarians slammed planes into. Leaving a smoldering pit of chicken parts and gravy to rot for five years would have been a tragedy, but nothing compared to the shame and sorrow of failing to rebuild that much business space in Manhattan. America is about two things, worshipping God and making money. Ground Zero is a testament to neither of those American ideals, and the thought of it enrages my Lord.

Our Lord hates to see that empty space, especially since it could be filled with offices and other money-making enterprises.

God could care less about the fact that no one put a business on the site of Flight 93’s impact in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Really, what would you put there? “Bubba’s Cow Milking Emporium”? There is no prime capitalist real-estate being wasted there. God remembers the dead, of course, but he realizes that Shanksville is simply not fertile ground for big business, only for corn and white trash. New York is different, though, and it is high time that we came up with a strategy for using 9-11 to our financial advantage.

The Twin Towers were getting a little old, anyhow. Maybe the Jihadist maniacs have given us a golden opportunity.

Remember, if any of this offends you, then you are a godless heathen who is bound directly for Hell. God doesn’t like the weak, the Commies, or you if you are about to start whining about what I am saying. The World Trade Center buildings were not that new, and tearing them down would have cost a ton of money. Now we have the opportunity to build on the ashes of the old using modern methods and technology. We can build a temple to God and Business the likes of which the world has never seen. We must, no matter what the liberals say, build a structure that will bring adding machines and ledger books closer to Our Lord than ever before.

“The Lord Our Holy God Financial-and-Business Center and Ultra-Mega-Church” must be built. There is no other way to make God happy with our money-making endeavors again.

I have been speaking with top Christian-Architects to see what we could create, with God’s help and insistence, where Ground Zero is today. Imagine, if you will, the tallest structure in the world. Now image a 100 story steeple, stretching from the top of that structure, now imagine a 30 story tall cross atop of that. No one could deny the power of Christ then, no one. We would be able to fit more offices and pews in this structure than in any that have come before it, and God would be made glad.

We must build this monument to God, and we must build it in the memory of the thousands of money making saints, and their acolytes, who died on September 11, 2001.

My Lord Is Not Huggable!

2006-09-11T07:30:00.000-04:00

There is a very dangerous children’s toy currently on the market and that I wanted to make all the parents out there aware of it. Just because this particular toy doesn’t present a choking hazard that doesn’t mean it can’t irreparably harm your child. In fact, this toy could be more dangerous to your child than a plastic bag filled with razor blades. I’m talking about a Bible quoting and “huggable” version of My Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Initially when I heard about this talking plush Jesus doll I was quite excited. I was even going to write a post suggesting to all my readers that they go out and buy a Jesus doll for their daughters (and Jesus Christ action figures for their sons if they were available). But when I delved further into this I made a startling discovery. I found that this doll was not the Jesus that I know and love but something far more insidious.

First of all, this doll sends kids the message that it’s ok to hug any unshaven man who uses as rope as a belt when he says things like “I love you and I have an exciting plan for your life.” I think having this doll in my house could potentially undermine the Steele family policy of not hugging homeless hippie pedophiles.

The second problem I have with this doll is how he looks. To understand what I mean, first I would ask all of you to take a moment and look at the picture of this stuffed abomination above. Notice the doll’s dark skin, his dread-locked hair, and the fact that he looks as though he would be quite adept at Frisbee or hacky sack. Now compare this to the picture of Jesus you have on your wall at home. See what I mean? Jesus should look like a beaming blond-haired and blue-eyed Adonis, not some hippie with poor hygiene and a vacant glassy stare.

Do you see where I’m going with this yet? Of course you don’t. What I’m trying to say is that this is not a stuffed representation of the Jesus we all know and love. This is not the Jesus that hates sodomites, loves unfettered free market capitalism, and supports the War on Terror. This doll is a false idol of a false god created by liberals who want to undermine our Christian faith. These liberal nonbelievers co-opted Christ and remade him in their own twisted image. They created a pseudo-Jesus who preaches tolerance toward all, respect for women, and a concern for the poor. I hate this so-called Christ with every fiber of my being.

If this doll were an accurate representation of the angry vengeful God I know then no child would want to hug or play with it. If my son, Michael Jr., had a real Jesus doll then he would cower at the very sight of it. Having a Jesus doll watching you as you sleep should be as terrifying for a child as being tucked in with a Chucky doll. The child should fear and respect their Jesus doll, not love it and cuddle it as if it were a damned teddy bear. It is for these reasons that I’m urging parents not to buy one of these dolls for your child. If you wish to be a responsible Christian parent you need to make sure that your child views the Lord not as his “bestest snuggle buddy” but as the one thing standing between him and eternal torment in Hell.

Lord, Please Silence These Fools

2006-08-24T12:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Lord, please quiet the foolish tongues of all non-Christians and unbelievers. Render mute all homosexuals and fornicators so that the minds of your children will remain pure and chaste. Still the tongues of all who refuse to praise your name.

This is a prayer that could never be uttered in an American public school, despite the urgent need for these very words to be spoken.

There was a time when the school day could begin with a prayer like this. There was also a time when the teachings of Christ actually played a role in the classroom. Now the only thing a Bible can be used for is kindling in teachers’ lounge to help warm the teachers as they figure out new and creative ways to indoctrinate your children.

One of the major reasons for this damnable legal shift is that Christians don’t quite make up as overwhelming a majority as they used to. Ignoring non-Christians was a whole lot easier when the American Muslim population didn’t exist or when religious diversity consisted of one crazy unbeliever/outcast that lived in the woods and conversed with forest animals. Supposedly even a nut like this has the right to worship Satan as he sees fit.

But this very argument that prayer shouldn’t be allowed in schools because it silences religious minorities makes me laugh. I not only laugh because the argument itself is ridiculous, but also because the thought is so very pleasing to me. Just picture it – non-Christians being shamed into submission and having shut their damn yaps for a change. Cue the halleluiah chorus.

The courts also seem to think that making non-Christians say Christian prayers is religious coercion and violates the so-called separation of Church and State. Apparently these same activist judges seem to think it is also their duty to protect these religious minorities from the imposition of Christian values. This interferes though, with my duty to impose my Christian values on everyone around me. So it seems we have a very serious dilemma.

You see, I understand this school prayer argument perfectly. I acknowledge that the lone Muslim kid in the classroom might feel a bit isolated sitting alone in a corner while the rest of his class is lead in a recitation of the Lord’s Prayer. But frankly the thought of little Osama Jr. being teased on the playground isn’t enough to make me overlook the importance of giving our children a good moral education. Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or find another place to play ball, kid!

Honestly, the problem with this whole argument is that we absolutely shouldn’t be protecting children from such experiences. On the contrary we need make sure this happens much more often. We need to use peer pressure to drive a few more unbelievers into the flock. The separation of Church and State thing wasn’t as rigidly enforced when everybody had the correct idea of what the Church part of this equation should be (Church = Christ for the mathematically disinclined). Only if we can be more aggressive in our conversion efforts and eliminate the overabundance of religious diversity in this country can we return to education centered on Jesus Christ.

Lord, I pray that if you do not see fit to cleanse and purify these vermin so that you may bring them into your flock, please ensure that their cries are unheard by the ears of your true followers. Make them go away, God, just make them all go away. Amen.

Judge Hands Terrorists the Keys to Your Home

2006-08-21T12:30:00.000-04:00

Since it’s a known fact that Democrats can’t win elections, they score political victories the only way they can: through the justice system. We’ve seen this sad fact played out yet again as last week another liberal ruling has been handled down by the courts; a ruling that directly translates to the deaths of millions of Americans.

Despite what you may think, this particular ruling has nothing to do with abortion or a mother’s so-called right to commit fetuscide. No, it seems that liberals are no longer content to just kill unborn Americans; they apparently want too see the rest of us dead as well.

The liberal commitment to the destruction of the American way of life was shown again as Judge Anna Diggs Taylor (a woman no less) recently ruled that the Bush administration’s use of warrantless wire taps is both illegal and unconstitutional. In case you’re wondering, this ruling does in fact seal the fate of all Americans. This out of control activist woman judge with the help of the ACLU (surprise, surprise) have just handed al Queda the keys to your house. The most you can hope for at this point is that the terrorists don’t track mud onto your nice carpet as they sneak into your home to slit your throat while you sleep.

President Bush’s response to this travesty of justice was of course firm, direct, and completely correct:

“[Opponents of the NSA surveillance program] simply don’t understand the nature of the world we live in… We must give those whose responsibility it is to protect the United States the tools necessary to protect this country in a time of war”

I couldn’t agree more, Mr. President. In fact, the single biggest problem with the Constitution in general is that those who originally drafted it had a pre-9/11 mindset. We live in a very different world now and we can’t allow ourselves to be constrained by the civil rights of America’s citizens. Sorry liberal traitors, if we actually want to defeat this enemy and spread freedom and democracy across the globe we no longer have the luxury of a right to privacy. Deal with it.

While the implications of this ruling are terrifying, if there’s one thing I know about President Bush, it’s that he won’t allow this to prevent him from protecting America. He’ll find a way around this Constitution problem and defeat our Islamist foes. Until he does though, your personal terror level should remain somewhere between “completely incapacitated by fear” and “soiling your pants.”

I, on the other hand, shall remain strong in the face of our impending doom. I personally understand that protecting the principles of an outdated piece of parchment like the Constitution simply doesn’t matter in the context of the War on Terror. I know this, the President knows this, and you should know this. I just pray that until the President is able to address this, that the terrorists will limit their inevitable orgy of destruction to the godless liberals who support this ruling.

Why Liberals Kill Babies, Hate God, and Love to Cry

2006-08-15T20:54:00.000-04:00

Roughly three weeks ago I asked the liberals a few simple questions, hoping for some honest answers.

I suppose that I really should know better by now. The only thing harder than getting honesty out of you leftist-liars is getting oil out of a stone. Come to think of it, there is technology for getting oil from stones. There are ways to get truth out of you liberals, too, but I am not sure if your incessant whining about torture would mask the effects of me torturing you.

I have decided to answer my own questions to you, since all of your answers were unsatisfactory, and most made me sick to my stomach.

Sometimes when you want something done right you have to do it yourself. I have no choice but to explain to you, readers, why liberals think how they do. It is not safe for you to attempt to figure out liberal thought on your own, so I will do it for you.

Why do you enjoy killing babies?

Liberals enjoy killing babies because they, the Godless unbelievers, are terribly lazy. It is far easier to kill an in-vitro infant by way of abortion than it is to raise it as a good Christian. I think that we good and decent conservatives should be thankful that liberals are not throwing babies into lakes in weighted bags, in the same manner as unwanted puppies and kittens. It takes eighteen years or so to raise a child in the true and proper path of Jesus Christ our Lord, and those baby-cidal liberal maniacs just don’t have the attention span that is required.

Is it fun to cry all day?

It must be, since every liberal spends at least part of each day crying. You blubbering leftists will cry over almost anything. You cry about the fact that we of God’s Chosen Ideology are able to control all of Washington, D.C., and you liberals are lucky get a seat on a school board. You cry about Israel killing “innocent” Lebanese, even though they are all members of Hez-Kill-Jesus-Bollah. You cry about the fact that there is not enough bran in your Ultra Hippy Bran Bombs breakfast cereal. I have no doubt that you will spend the rest of your day in tears over my mocking attack on you.

What is wrong with war?

Liberals think that war is a bad thing because they are not very good at it. You effeminate little flip-floppers need to realize that sometimes you need to take a violent stand against everything that is wrong in the world. Violence is the answer, it really is. Look at Iraq, as an obvious example. The Iraqi people are no longer living under the fear and oppression wrought by Saddam. Now the Iraqi people have free elections, and they are devouring the fruits of Democracy. I know that you liberals have some fire in your bellies, though. I have seen the way you react when the minimum wage employee at Starbucks puts whole milk in your Coffee-Latte-Tino-Flaming-Mochafrothy when you asked, repeatedly, for skim.

Why do you think your rights are so damned important?

You liberals think that your rights are what make you free. The truth is, though, that these rights that you hold so dear are nothing but a threat to the freedom of people like me. Your rights are only getting in the way of my peace and security. I personally think that if you are a Democrat, a Green (thanks again, suckers), or a member of some other liberal group, your phone should be tapped out of spite. I have no respect for the weak, and neither does Jesus. As a matter of fact, if Jesus were here on Earth today he would be tapping your phones, planting tracking devices on your kids, and putting video cameras in your bedroom to make sure that you were only using the Holy Sexual Position of the Lord.

Why do you still hate God?

Liberals hate God because they know that God is going to send them all to Hell, no excuses accepted. Your days of snubbing the Lord are nearing an end, and I am sure that you know it. I was so excited over the last month over the possibility of a battle on the Plains of Armageddon, but you liberals managed to screw up The Rapture for me, again. Good job, morons. God is getting sick of you constantly mocking Him and His people, by the way. One more Rick “Senator Voldemort” Santorum joke and God will have no choice but to partake in some antediluvian style smiting.

So there you have it. You liberals were too wishy-washy to answer these questions for yourself, so I had to do it for you. I appreciate the opportunity to mock you, and I am sure you will provide me with many more chances in the future.

Israel Has the Right to Kill Everyone

2006-08-08T16:54:00.000-04:00

Any and all who are enemies of the great nation of Israel should be destroyed by whatever means necessary.

I am sure that you have been following the turmoil in the Middle East, and I am sure that you have been rooting for Israel, as God would have you to do. Remember, the Jews were the prototype Christians, and as such they deserve our support. Israel is the nation of God, and He views it in his Holy Wisdom as “Little America”. The situation with Israel and Lebanon is very similar to our situation with the brown-skinned peoples of the word.

Israel has the right to defend herself, even if that means incinerating children with phosphorus bombs.

The Israeli military has been extremely precise in targeting only Hezbollah soldiers and ammunition storage areas. It is not the fault of the Israelis that “innocent civilians” had the audacity to build their homes in Hezbollah controlled areas. I happen to know for a fact that you are required by local building codes to paint a giant “H” on the top of your home if you are a member of Hezbollah. How many huge letters have you seen on Lebanese houses while watching Fox News? If you break the law, you deserve to be shelled and bombed. Not everyone lives in a private home, but do not despair! The forces of Zionism are well within their bounds to attack large apartment complexes, also.

You never know if the guy in 7B, the one with all the cats, has a Katushya rocket pointed at an Israeli border outpost.

How dare these people get in the way of Israeli shrapnel? Those red-hot pieces of metal could have killed a Hezbollah fighter, if only they hadn’t hit a civilian first. The worldwide outcry against Israel is sickening to me. The Lebanese civilians are the problem here. They should have seen past the fact that Hezbollah built them schools, hospitals, recreational facilities, and other vital public services. How dare these civilians act as human sandbags to stop the destruction of Hezbollah?

If you disagree with me, then Israel has the right to kill you, too.

Israel is the only nation on Earth, besides the United States, that has the God given authority to kill anyone that it sees fit. Do not stand in the way of Israel. The Chosen People of God will have no qualms about sending someone to your happy little home to kill you. Israel must defend itself, using any means necessary. There are no innocent people, and no people who are not expendable, when the safety of Israel’s northern border outposts is at stake.

We have your back, Israel. Bring it on.

It would be a good time to sit down, be quiet, and practice being good little brown people, Syria and Iran. We are not going to let you get involved in this playground brawl. You should know that if you make one move towards our Jewish buddies, we will have no choice but to bomb you back to the time of the Crusades.

America will stop at nothing to protect its diminutive little doppelganger, and it would be wise to tuck that one under your turban, Damascus and Tehran.

This is also cross-posted as a Shoutwire Editorial.

Coal, the Energy of Tomorrow

2006-07-28T13:18:00.000-04:00

I may be in the oil industry, but I really am starting to love coal!

I was sitting at my desk this morning, watching the grimy workers below my observation window with my usual sense of disgust. How can people get so dirty, and yet not want to kill themselves? I understand that oil is on its way out. Eventually we will be able to kill every brown-skinned person who stands in the way of our precious fuel, but by then the reserves will be already dwindling.

Coal, it is so very clean and lustrous.

I agree with our dear and holy leader, George W. Bush. Coal is indeed the energy of the future in America, and I am still not sure why we ever got away from it in the first place. It is a clean burning fuel, with unlimited potential. I know, many of you are thinking about the days when you would run your fingers along the banister at your grandmother’s house. Remember how your hand came away black and filthy? That had nothing to do with her coal burning furnace, as you were told. That was just dust, because your grandma was a lazy old coot, and her “stories” were more important to her than proper cleaning.

Coal has almost no environmental impact.

Even using our present technologies, coal is entirely harmless when mined, stored, and burnt. Coal, unlike nuclear technologies, leaves behind no deadly waste, and does not add a single pound of carbons to our atmosphere. Anyone who tells you different is a liar, and probably a lazy, lazy liberal. The “clean coal” processes of the future will yield nothing but helpful byproducts. Clean coal will leave in its wake freshly planted meadows and forests, where once there was only land that had been stripped bare by some unknown force of nature.

Coal mining is one of the safest jobs in America, and you should be eager to be a miner.

Every day in America hundreds of thousands of miners go into the mines, and hundreds of thousands, give or take, come out. To the best of my knowledge, no American miner has died in recent memory. There is nothing dangerous about going one to three miles below the surface, using timbers and the Holy Hand of The Lord to secure your safe passage. Even if something terrible were to happen, it would all be for a good cause. America does not have any energy options that do not involve a risk to human life, and developing them would be too expensive.

The “peons to volts to dollars” ratio simply does not work out.

Sometimes people have to make sacrifices in order for other people to have a comfortable and carefree life. I am of a higher socio-economic class than most of my workers, and that means that my life is more important than theirs. If I were to go into a mine, and perish, my employees would lose their jobs, and their skill-less wives would starve or become ladies of the evening. If one of my peons were to die, though, only his wife would have to sell herself to eat. I am totally concerned with the greater good of mankind. So, to conclude:

Strap on your carbide lamps, America, before the lights of my mansion grow dim.

Adopting Non-Embryonic Children is Selfish

2006-07-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

If there’s one thing that last week’s Presidential stem cell veto has taught us it’s that embryos can be saved from their hellish frozen existence and raised as children of God. These “snowflake children” played a very important role during President Bush’s press conference last week as they stood behind him and put a human face to the reality of embryonic mass murder (well several tiny human faces to be precise).

I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about the parents who made the choice to adopt these embryos and raise them as their own. I’ve also thought about those precious children who were brought up specifically to be advocates for embryonic rights. The parents here were given a choice between adopting a living breathing child and adopting an embryo frozen in state. These parents realized that giving some child who has already had the privilege of being born a better life is not as important as giving birth to a child who can help make a political point. These parents are heroes.

The truth of the matter is, if you are unable to conceive naturally, this is a clear message from God that your bloodline is far too tainted to be carried on. Think of this as a Godly equivalent of natural selection (I call it “intelligent selection”) with the intelligent selector (God) choosing who should and shouldn’t have children. Of course, if you trust in the wisdom of the intelligent selector (and you should unless you like burning in Hell) this eliminates the possibility of in vitro fertilization.

So if you find yourself in such a situation, you’re left only with the choice of adoption.

When making the decision to adopt an already born child or a frozen pre-born almost child you need to think of it in terms of potential. Not just potential for life, but potential for the advancement of the pro-life cause. If you adopt a non-Snowflake child and he/she makes a drawing of petrified embryos fearing for their very lives it might find its way on your fridge but I seriously doubt Senator Brownback would be talking about it on the floor of the Senate.

Snowflake children are the only kids with the authority to make the case for life.

So, when going through that adoption process, try making a choice that pleases the Lord for once in your life and adopt an embryo. There’s a reason you were made fruitless by the Almighty – you angered Him. Don’t make Him even more enraged by being so selfish as to miss the opportunity to advance the pro-life cause.

Scott from Scott-O-Rama is Gay

2006-07-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

There are certain people who think that outing bloggers is a completely despicable act. I disagree. I really can see no downside in forcibly removing anyone from the closet, regardless of their political ideology.

If they are a liberal, doing this can cause great harm to them personally which is of course very pleasing to the Lord. If, on the other hand, they’re a conservative then we’re merely doing God’s work of sanctifying His party. So really it’s a win-win situation whenever we can expose a blogger as a depraved homosexual.

Well it looks like I’ve managed to discover another gay man hiding beneath the rock that is the liberal blogosphere – Scott from Scott-O-Rama.

You see, I’ve been studying Scott ever since he made a derisive comment about President Bush that earned him a place of shame on our blogroll of iniquity. You might call the act of me reading his blog “opposition research.” I prefer to think of it as watching a moral train wreck in progress.

In my daily reading of his blog, I started to notice some very disturbing things. First of all, it’s completely plastered with pictures of naked men. I at first assumed they were placed there to lure gay men away from the conversations that took place there – an ingenious idea. If given the choice between participating in a discussion and ogling naked men, a gay man will always pick the most sinful path. But I wasn’t quite satisfied with this answer, as Scott seemed to talk an awful lot about gay issues for a straight man. I began to grow suspicious.

Then I started seeing references to his “boyfriend” Buckaroo. A big red flag went up. Although I at first thought that Buckaroo was perhaps a plutonic heterosexual male companion like my dearest and straightest friend Herman B. Hayes. As I continued to read on though, that red flag began to turn to more of a pale lavender color highlighted with a breezy blue pastel border.

Finally the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. “This Scott guy is clearly gay!” It was at this point I discovered that I had just been made an unwitting participant in an act of pure perversion. I then decided it was my moral obligation to make the rest of world aware of just who Scott really is.

Scott is a threat! If you doubt that fact, consider the following: his site gets an average of between 4,000 and 5,000 visitors a day. That’s right, the entire gay population of the United State checks Scott’s blog everyday (You should ignore the inflated figures given by the gay community as they are inaccurate and absolutely terrifying). Scott could choose to mobilize his sodomite soldiers to march on to destroy marriage. We simply can’t allow this to happen. Expose his evil plan and tell everyone you know: Scott is gay and he’s arming his readers for battle!

Update: Scott Responds!

Bush Vetoes His Way Into My Heart

2006-07-20T00:01:00.000-04:00

A victory for unborn almost children has been won today!

President Bush answered the question posed by those in Congress and by people all around this country today: “Is it better to give women the option of using their embryos left over from fertility treatment for research or to just dispose of them?” Bush made the right choice in vetoing a bill that would have given women this choice. He understands that these little tiny itty-bitty human beings are deserving of a respectful burial inside a hazardous waste container and not a test tube.

My Presidential hero may have vetoed the bill in private today, but he still had the courage to stand up in front of a friendly crowd and proudly announce what he had done. Although this time he didn’t go it alone, he had a little help from some pint-sized friends.

Making up part of the backdrop of his press conference today were several absolutely darling children. But these weren’t ordinary kids; these little tykes were originally frozen embryos slated for disposal themselves but were saved by loving parents looking for a child to both love and use as a political prop. There must be something about being a frozen embryo at one point though that makes you grow up to be extra adorable. If I weren’t so straight I would have a strong desire to hug each and every one of these precious little “Snowflake children.”

Now, surrounding himself with these fully developed children would seem completely unrelated to the bill he vetoed today if you didn’t understand the liberal end game here. I mean we all acknowledge the fact that an overwhelming majority of these frozen embryos will never be adopted and will instead be destroyed. Just because they hold the possibility to cure the diseases of millions of people does not mean we should then go routing through the trash for them.

No, the second we allow this to happen then liberals are one step closer to their ultimate goal of murdering fully grown snowflake children in the name of science. I’m not talking about the microscopic embryos; I’m talking about football playing, heterosexual boys here! How could you possibly look into the faces of these children and think that stem cell research is ok?

I certainly am happy that Bush didn’t decide to invite a bunch of sick children to stand there with him instead. Their presence would have cast a very dark cloud over this whole thing. And I don’t want to think about such depressing things on this glorious, wonderful and absolutely fantastic day!

Hallelujah!

Today is another day that I truly thank the Lord for putting George Bush into office. Just think, without him these difficult moral decisions would be left to two large deliberative bodies full of mere men who happen to represent each and every state in this nation. Collectively, Congress could not understand the true will of God. Only George seems to understand this. That is why I will see this as the day that Christianity has finally triumphed over science.

Waiter, There is a Terrorist in My Soup

2006-07-19T12:05:00.000-04:00

Thank God for the Department of Homeland Security!

We had a close call in Pittsburgh last week, dear readers. I am very surprised that this story has not received more national press, but since you only read this blog for information, you would not have heard about it anyhow. Imagine the worst sort of terrorist plot that you can. Delve as far in to your weak little minds as you can, and dredge up your darkest fear.

Terrorist Lunch-Ladies.

We all know that lunch-ladies are frightening enough to begin with. Just thinking of them scares me to the core. “Pizza or peanut butter sandwich?” they growl at you, sending thirty years of excess nicotine streaming towards your face, driven by garlic scented wind. Consider, though, that the lunch lady was not just someone who made the cafeteria food at your school, college, or place of employment?

The person who is making your food, or the lady taking your money, could be plotting to kill you. (They probably are.)

Judy (Infidel Crusher) Miller and Mary (Mujahideen) Broughton were, to the best of my knowledge, placed in handcuffs and forcibly ejected from their places of employment. I think that our government’s response to these Jell-O-cup jihadists was not strong enough, considering where they worked.

These terrorists were well placed within our government.

One of these women worked at the Federal Courthouse in Downtown Pittsburgh, and the other worked across the street at the Federal Building. This is one of the most deviously hidden sleeper cells that Homeland Security has ever rooted out. Neither woman has a criminal record. They have done nothing to call suspicion upon themselves, and everyone loves them. They are obviously driven to kill every American they can.

The details are too terrifying for us to know. They are also too terrifying for Judy and Mary to know.

No one outside the Department of Homeland Security is allowed to know the details behind the dismissal of the lunch ladies. Can you imagine something so terrible that your government would not tell you about it? Our government is so open and honest that it frightens me terribly to consider what these women were planning. Cash register bombs? Italian wedding soup with little miniature hand grenades instead of meatballs? There are so many ways that cafeteria workers can cause massive amounts of death and destruction.

Of course, a Democrat is helping to kill us.

Representative Mike Doyle, an evil Democrat, is helping these tray-service terrorists regain their “employment” within the Federal system. Of course, “employment” in this case actually means “deep cover”. Leave it to a Democrat to invite terrorists in through the front door. Rep. Doyle is trying his best to help two honest, hardworking citizens kill innocent federal employees. He is such a nice guy. Remember, though, Mike, think long and hard about your choice when Mary and Judy say:

“Thank you Mike! Won’t you please try the chili?”

Moral Mailbox: Who Should I Hate More?

2006-07-17T08:25:00.000-04:00

Today’s moral mailbox question comes to us from “A Christian Hater for God”:

Which should I hate more: Democrats or homosexuals?

I can only afford to make so many "You're going to burn in hell"
signs, and I would like to know on whose lawn I should place them to guarantee my eternal salvation.

Thank you for your unerring moral advice

Well, “Christian Hater,” the first problem I see in your email is the implication that people have a limited capacity for hate. This simply isn’t true and you’re more than capable of casting your net of animosity as wide as you need. It certainly isn’t as impossible as you make it seem to hate everybody that’s different from you.

Well, perhaps I’m making it seem deceptively simple. There is quite a bit of effort that goes into constantly reaffirming your own superiority to any person or group of people. It can down-right exhausting finding examples of ways liberals, non-Christians, gays or minorities are inferior to you. The eventual payoff though is huge.

Just think of how it will feel to have Jesus whisper this into your ear:

”You’re far better than the unsaved rabble that will spend eternity in Hell. You’re one of my chosen few. You’re special.”

I still get chills whenever Christ says this to me.

Now, on to your question of whether you should spend more effort hating liberals or homosexuals. This question of course needs to be rephrased since all homosexuals are liberals and very few liberals are not homosexuals. Regardless, everyone contained within either group is deserving of as much of your hate as you can muster. The real question though is which group’s agenda you should spend more effort trying to impede. So let’s examine them both first.

The homosexual agenda calls for the dissolution of the family, the corruption of our children, and the promotion of depraved sex acts like bestiality and non-procreative heterosexual sex. The liberal agenda on the other hand calls for the removal of Christianity from American life and a system of anarchy brought on by the victory of our terrorist foes.

I think it’s pretty clear that if the goals of the liberal agenda are met then the battle against the homosexual agenda is already lost. So my advice to you, “Christian hater,” is to hate both liberals and homosexuals in equal measure but devote more of your time working toward stopping the liberal agenda. Silence those liberal traitors anyway you can, be it through intimidation, subterfuge, or good old fashioned lying. Remember, the Lord is more than willing to overlook a series of minor sins if they are committed to ensure that America remains a godly nation.

Liberal Propaganda vs. the Salvation Store

2006-07-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

The liberals are at it again, folks.

Our arch enemies at Bring It On have crossed the line once again. Recently Tom Baker, a liberal of doubtable orientation, released a “poster”, as they call it. This poster, as you can see, shows two little children firebombing a vehicle, which was transporting three injured kittens, in the care of nuns, to an Iraqi “no-kill” animal shelter.

Sometimes it is stupid to stay the course, I have to agree. Why we tolerate liberals in our nation is beyond me. That is a course in need of changing.

No matter what the evil progressives of Bring It On have to say, the children of Iraq are not the problem. We do not need to kill them. Liberal propaganda like this is nothing new, however, as they have been telling us to kill our babies in the womb for generations now. It is plain to me that this “poster” is a doctored image, and that these children were not killing nuns and kittens. Do not underestimate the liberals, though, they know that if they children of Iraq are killed, the adults will be easy to mop up.

The liberal propaganda machine will stop at nothing to make kiddie-cide a reality in Iraq.

Bring It On suggests that we wait until November to start the systematic elimination of the alleged pre-pubescent jihadists. I am slightly confused as to why they want to wait, but I have a theory: In November, all of the Iraqi kids will be in their shiny new schools that we have built them. The children are not such a mortal threat if they are all in isolated buildings, and not roaming the streets like wolf packs. I am disgusted by these liberal child killers. I do not understand how they can hate freedom and children so much.

Please, send this “poster” to everyone that you can, and use it on your own blogs. Show the Democrats for what they are: Goebbels-esque propaganda spewing monsters who love to kill kids.

Do not despair, though! There is a way for you, good readers, to get the truth out into the public. Michael Gregory Steele and I have recently opened the Conservatives for American Values’ Salvation Store. We will bring you nothing but the finest merchandise, designed to make liberals see the truth.

Our messages are clear. Our merchandise is the truth, not propaganda.

We even have products for liberals, so they can identify each other. I would recommend our “Guerrilla Sodomite” products, or possibly our “Godless Unbeliever” line. For you good and honest Republicans, may I suggest our “We Do It Santorum Style” collection? Just remember: Jesus bases your chances of getting into Heaven on how much you spend at the Conservatives for American Values’ Salvation Store. Don’t be cheap.

Killing kids, or buying shirts. Is this really such a difficult choice?

Cross-posted at: Bring It On!

Ending the Women’s Suffrage Experiment

2006-07-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

Women’s Suffrage has gone on for too long, and it is time for women to stop playing politics.

Voting is hard work, and hard work makes men hungry. There is no reason why we should come home on Election Day to find an empty kitchen and a cold stove. I understand that women have empty heads when it comes to politics, but that does not mean that you should have an empty stomach for the last half of every election year because your wives are “getting involved in the process”

We Christian men have tolerated our women going to the polls for long enough now, and the practice needs to stop.

There is no valid reason why any woman needs to vote. Married women, by which I mean good women, have their husbands to tell them how to think, and how to vote. Why not simplify the process by allowing married men to vote twice. That way their doting wives would not have to leave the safety and security of the home and hearth. We men would be more than happy to take the dangerous work of politics on our shoulders. As for unmarried women, my reasons for not allowing them to vote are even more plain:

If you are too stupid to find a husband, then you are obviously too stupid to be allowed to make any kind of political decision.

We cannot allow women in politics, and the best way to do that is to keep women from voting. The fact that there are women in Congress today is very disturbing to me. I do not want women, with their cyclic monthly predilection towards violence, having a say in my government. There is no good that can come of this, and the presence of sixty-one women in the House of Representatives and thirteen women in the Senate is just disturbing to the real members of these bodies. Men go to Washington to work, not to talk about feminine hygiene products during open sessions of the House.

Do you want to hear this while watching C-Span Two? “Voting will now begin on S. 229, also known as the Swiffer Reach-n-Dust Protection Act.”

If even one more woman is elected to Congress, this is the path we will be on. Men are good at running nations, and women are good at running ovens. This is the reason why we have never had a female President, and I hope we never will. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to negotiate a trade agreement with Russia, all while making sure your apple pie had the perfect golden crust? It would be cruel to women to let them even attempt it.

Our government is like our home: We give women the rights that we decide they should have, and we can take them away at our discretion.

The time has come, Christian men of America, to rise up and take our nation back. We cannot and will not accept women making decisions that affect more than our dinner-plates. If an experiment in a laboratory has proven itself to be dangerous it is shut down. We have no choice but to do the same with Women’s Suffrage.

Women of America, it is time to give us back the vote. I’ll take a slice of pie while you’re at it, too. Thanks, sweet cheeks.

Help Santorum Stop the PA Mexican Invasion!

2006-07-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

My absolute favorite senator, Rick Santorum continues to lag behind his Democratic opponent Bob Casey in the polls. Sadly, it seems that much of Pennsylvania is simply not as charmed by his anti-homosexual vitriol as I am. But fortunately, Santorum has now found an issue that can really get those poll numbers turned around in his favor: illegal immigration. It is in fact the subject of his first TV ad which is currently running throughout the state.

I know, as a Pennsylvania resident, just how important this issue is to all of us. And really all one has to do is consult a map and note our proximity to Mexico to understand how big of a threat it is for everyone in this state. So realizing this, Santorum has begun to hammer Bob Casey on the issue. Unfortunately though the uni-browed State Treasurer is fighting back:

Mr. Casey has criticized his opponent for votes against penalties for employers who hire illegal immigrants. Last week, Mr. Santorum insisted that he supports sanctions against any firms that knowingly break the law, but said that the primary responsibility for insuring that workers are here legally lies with the government.

I couldn’t agree more, Rick. Employers should not be held responsible for hiring illegal immigrants unless they personally drive to Mexico and bring them illegally into this country themselves. We cannot expect employers to take any extra steps to ensure their workers are legal or that their documents are legitimate. It’s not their problem that they don’t further scrutinize who they allow to work for them, it’s our problem.

While it seems that both Santorum and Casey wish to do something to prevent Mexicans from physically crossing the border, Casey selfishly ignores the desires of employers to hire cheap labor. Removing the incentive for Mexicans to cross our borders in the first place does nothing but unfairly tie the hands of businesses who want more choice in who they can hire.

Santorum will continue to gain leverage on this issue as long as Casey is seen as being on the side of amnesty for illegals and against business. So this brings me to what all of us can do to ensure that Casey continues to appear on the wrong side of this debate: Donate $18.25 to Bob Casey’s campaign.

What’s the significance of this number you ask? Well, 1825 is the year of Mexico’s independence and in donating this you are making it clear to everyone that Mexicans support Bob Casey. If you choose to make a check out to the Casey campaign for this amount, be sure to include the note: “Gracias por la amnistía” in the memo field. Even making a small contribution like this to Bob Casey we can help stop the Mexican invasion and also secure the Senate seat of one of the holiest men ever to grace the hallowed halls of the United State Senate - Rick Santorum.

Idiotic Counterpoint: It’s an Illegal Employer Problem

Want to Talk to God? You Have To Go Through Me.

2006-07-07T00:05:00.000-04:00

Do you long for the time when children were read the Bible in school everyday and America had a more righteous citizenry? Do you wish we were still in the days where adultery was a punishable offense and women couldn’t vote? Do you also wish you could turn the clock back to before you knew what a “butt plug” was?

Well, don’t just stand there child of God, take up arms and follow me, there’s no time to lose.

I realize that the idea of ceding to a central moral authority (or authorities in the case) seems positively Catholic but just hear me out. In times like these there really is no other option. If you want to affect real change in this country you have to stay organized, stay obedient, and stay on message. That simply doesn’t work if everyone is trying to talk to God directly without realizing that He won’t waste his time listening to the prayers of every Tom, Dick and Harry Homo.

You first need to prove yourself worthy in order to be heard by the Almighty. The only two people here who have done so and have the ear of God are Herman and myself. God may not be listening to you, but I’m listening, my unworthy friend, and I’ll make sure Jesus is made aware of anything that I deem pertinent.

Maybe some of you already turn to a moral leader like James Dobson for your ideas on politics, Biblical interpretation, and child rearing. While I have tremendous respect for Dr. Dobson, he’s simply a little too advanced in age to see this thing to its conclusion. It’s time to jump off the Dobson ship before it sinks and begin riding the new wave of Christian conservatism. The Lord may not have taken Dobson into his final embrace just yet but He has already picked spiritual successors – Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes.

This movement thrives on charismatic leaders like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. You people are fortunate enough to have two such leaders each with more than enough charisma to spare. We also have the wisdom and righteousness necessary to interpret the Bible correctly and allow it to inform our politics. From there we inform you of what your politics should be. And while it may be tempting to “cut out the middleman” and go to God yourself, He has no interest in being found by you directly.

To deny my moral authority or to deny Herman’s moral authority is to deny the authority of God. So put down your newspapers and books and pick up your Bible. I’m not asking you to read this Bible, mind you, but only to carry it with you. I’ll let you know if there’s anything you need to be made aware of within its pages.

Ken Lay Hired By God

2006-07-05T18:02:00.000-04:00

God has a new man at the financial helm of Heaven, and that man is Ken Lay.

It is a horrible day for America, and a horrible day for working men and women everywhere. Today, God called home a true American hero; Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay.

God must have had some tricky accounting issues to deal with.

We must not ever doubt the judgment of our Lord in these matters, but that does not mean that we should not be saddened by this tragic death. Ken “The Numbers Never Lie” Lay was an amazing man. Some people may not have liked Ken Lay, but we can all agree that no one loved the common man more than he did.

Ken Lay was paragon of honesty, brought down by liberal greed.

First off, Ken “Innocent Flower” Lay did nothing wrong in the running of his company. Kenny was the major victim of the Enron scandal. No one, not the press, and not the prosecuting attorneys, had any right to go after this man. It was his company, and if he wanted to make sure the books reflected the reality he wanted, so be it. Our beloved President Bush, who referred to Ken as “Kenny Boy”, does the same thing all the time, and we love him for it. These attack dogs took down a great American out of jealousy, because they were not smart enough to invest deeply in Enron stock.

Do not destroy the glowing memory of this near-Holy man.

Leave the memory of Ken Lay alone. Now is not the time to make your foolish comments, or to voice your mock sadness at the death of this great man. Some of you will say that it is ok to mock him, since he “ruined” the lives of so many innocent people. Ken “Reminds Me of My Grandfather” Lay did not ruin the life of one single person who did not deserve to have their life ruined. If you are so lazy and stupid that you invest all of your money in one company, then you are an idiot who deserves to be destitute. Besides, these fools could have sold their stock at any time, especially the people who actually worked at Enron.

Ken Lay’s innovative healthcare initiative.

Most people don’t know that Ken “Retirement is for Losers” Lay was a leader in the fight against obesity in the elderly. By keeping so many ex Enron employees from collecting pensions, Ken Lay was doing them a huge favor. Old people with money have a tendency to get lazy, and getting lazy makes old people fat. Everyone knows that if you are fat and lazy, God will kill you with a huge heart attack. I do not know how our Good Lord chose to take Ken “Not Like Fred Sanford” Lay, but I doubt it was a heart attack. I cannot bring myself to watch the liberal media tear this great man apart, and I am not sure that I need to know how he died.

My final thoughts on Ken “God’s New Administrator” Lay.

We conservatives will miss you, Ken. We will miss your wit, your easy smile, and the way you could make numbers change into other numbers, as if by magic. We will mourn for the little people, who you helped so much. We will try to be like you, and teach the American worker self-sufficiency. We will stand up to the tyranny of liberal lawyers, and we will do business the way you taught us, and the way God intends. We will miss you Ken, but do not worry yourself in Heaven. We, your beloved Republican businessmen, will continue on, following your shining light.

We promise.

Liberal Traitors: Stop Burning American Flags

2006-07-03T15:00:00.000-04:00

As anyone who actually loves America knows, tomorrow is the day that we celebrate Independence Day. Those of a more progressive persuasion will no doubt use this day to mail out care packages to insurgents in Iraq and plot the general overthrow of our government. I on the other hand, think I’ll spend my day welling up with patriotic pride as I grill hot dogs on my perfectly manicured lawn.

I’m proud of this country because I can look to all the progress we’ve made in this War on Terror and in the spreading of our shared American values across the globe. I love this country, and anyone who reads this blog knows this. Despite the great progress we’ve made abroad though, there’s still a lot of work to be done here at home.

Just yesterday I was in the basement of my home searching for an especially large flag to hang on my front door. As soon as I found it though a very real sadness came over me. I clutched that oversized Old Glory in my masculine hands as if it were a child rescued from a fire. And in fact, this flag has been pulled from flames as real as the fires of Hell that all liberals will experience in the afterlife.

For I know that if this flag were in the hands of a liberal it would not be treated with the same level of respect that I treat it with. There is no telling how they would choose to disrespect and desecrate our flag before ultimately incinerating it and urinating on the ashes. Liberals love to burn American flags, and that’s a fact.

We came very close to having an amendment passed that could protect that flag that I cradled in my arms yesterday from such harm. But alas, some politicians in Washington don’t think our flag is even worth protecting:

The Senate by a single vote Tuesday rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to ban desecrating the American flag.

Now, this amendment isn’t some naked political move on the part of a few Senators trying to appeal to people with more patriotism than Constitutional understanding. I mean, what was the Constitution written for anyway if not to silence unpopular speech? Those who voted against this amendment simply aren’t interested in protecting freedom.

It is little consolation to me that some of these Senate Democrats who voted against this will pay a heavy political price during the November elections. I mean the “Candidate X is a traitor who supports flag burning and therefore hates God” campaign ads practically write themselves. No, this goes beyond partisan politics. If you burn a flag you hurt America in a very real way and not just symbolically. America simply isn’t strong enough to fight a War on Terror and have people complain about it in such extreme ways at the same time.

Look, I understand that tomorrow is a day of mourning for liberals and all others who hate this country. I have a simple request though. Tomorrow for once in your pathetic sinful and meaningless liberal lives could you resist burning an American flag? Just for one day could you pretend you actually care about this country just a little bit? I realize this is as likely as one of you liberals actually reading the Bible, but I have to ask for America’s sake.

Al Qaeda Judicial Squad

2006-06-30T12:05:00.000-04:00

On 6-29, America was attacked by terrorists. Jihad has struck at our shores once again.

On Thursday, the Supreme Court decided in a 5-3 ruling that our guests at Guantanamo Bay could not be tried in military tribunals. I went outside when the ruling was announced on CNN, just to see if I could hear the forces of terror cheering. I could, and the nine loudest cheers came from within the Supreme Court itself.

Apparently cherry-picking a Supreme Court does not guarantee you as much as it used to.

Our great and holy President Bush has done his best to keep this nation safe. Mr. Bush has personally gone after the forces of terror in Iraq, in a series of lightning in-and-out raids. He has championed the Patriot Act, which essentially outlaws the vile free speech required to be a terrorist. Furthermore, he hand picked two Justices for the Supreme Court, and made sure that august body would vote the way he, President Bush, saw fit. I guess you can’t even trust your good personal friends these days.

Five plus three equals nine, if you are an idiot.

Now, Conservatives for American Values should be your only news source. Since I am sure that you have not heard about this anywhere before, let me break down this ruling for you. Five Justices voted to support the terrorists: Stevens, Breyer, Ginsberg, Souter, and Kennedy. Voting to support freedom and Jesus were Scalia, Thomas, and Alito. The Oh-so-extremely Honorable Chief Justice Roberts recused himself due to prior involvement in the matter. So, which Justices should we send to Gitmo for supporting terrorism?

We should Guantanamize each and every one of them.

My reasons are very simple, but in case your minds are simpler, I will explain. My logic is clear for the five of them who voted in favor of killing American woman and children. Why would we incarcerate Scalia, Thomas, and Alito, though? They seem to be the ones who do not want to see dead Americans stacked like cordwood. To put is as gently as I can: They are hellbound cowards of the worst kind. The three dissenting Justices should have attacked and disabled the five-person Al Qaeda Judicial Squad before they could carry out this vicious terrorist attack on our nation. “But what about Roberts, what did he do?” you ask.

It is more a matter of what John Roberts did not do.

He could have stopped this mess before it ever started. First off, he should not have recused himself from this decision. He is the Holy Leader of the Supreme Court. He had the power that God granted him, and he failed to use it. His vote, plus a little persuasion, could have prevented 6-29 from ever happening. It would have been a simple matter for Chief Justice Roberts to convince a weaker Justice, such as the female Ginsberg, to vote in the proper manner. I would have suggested using some of the same persuasion techniques that we have honed so well at Guantanamo Bay. I guess he will get a little more first hand experience in that area now.

We must send them there, so they can’t attack us here.

It is clear what we must do. Our nation has been attacked by the radical Islamic terrorists of the Supreme Court. We must find them, lock them up, and try them before a military tribunal. Perhaps after our Glorious President has had the chance to hand pick an entire court, America will be safe again. Until then, we must move on. America will never forget the events of 6-29, but we cannot allow them to ruin our lives. America must band together, except for the liberals and the homosexuals, and press on towards a glorious future.

Amen.

Rush Limbaugh's Little Blue Nightmare

2006-06-28T21:00:00.000-04:00

I’m sure many of you have heard the seemingly disappointing news about Rush Limbaugh. For those of you who haven’t, here’s the “story” as the mainstream media is reporting it:

.. Limbaugh was detained Monday for more than three hours at Palm Beach International Airport, upon returning from some R&R in the Dominican Republic. Customs officials reportedly found a bottle of [Viagra] in his bag--but his name wasn't on the prescription

As you can imagine, liberals are having an absolute field day with this story. I just find it so fascinating that godless unbelievers would have the gall to cast judgment upon anyone, let alone a man as thoroughly righteous as Rush.

Yes, yes, I do realize that Rush has had problems with prescription pain killers. He’s admitted to this and has gotten the treatment he needed. While I’ve never had such a moral lapse, it seems that sometimes God’s children (read: Conservatives) are entitled to make mistakes. The difference between him and some strung out kid in the ghetto is this - Rush had a job that paid well. Jesus is more than willing to take you into his arms and forgive such indiscretion as long as you’re a contributing member of society. Otherwise, it’s just you and your crack pipe.

But, back to this Viagra story and the true explanation that the media just doesn’t seem to get. You see, Rush went to the Dominican Republic for one reason and one reason only… to prove his righteousness to himself and to all of us.

Rush obviously experienced a great deal of self-doubt after his bout with OxyContin addiction. “Am I still the morally upright person I proclaim to be?” “Can I still continue to cast stones even though I am no longer without sin?” He probably asked questions like these over and over again in his head. But ultimately he realized that too many people depend on him and that he needed to do something to rebuild his moral confidence.

Now, the best way that I know of to prove your righteousness is to put yourself in a situation where you are strongly tempted to sin so that you can resist this temptation. Rush Limbaugh clearly understands this and took his bottle of Viagra to a place known for its prostitutes and flourishing sex industry – the Dominican Republic.

I can picture Rush now, walking down those dusty streets with the bottle of Viagra in hand. He pops a few of those little blue pills into his mouth as he continues down this road and towards his ultimate redemption. He walks by a group of brown skinned temptresses who offer to fulfill any depraved sexual desire he might have. But he resists. Even though his member is fully engorged and throbbing he still resists.

Could you liberals honestly say that you would have as much moral fortitude as Mr. Limbaugh? Would your response be the same?

So before you cast moral judgment on this great man, ask yourself this: how many Dominican whores could you walk past with an erection before you gave in to your base carnal desires?

Workers Rights are Simply Wrong

2006-06-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

Please, for the love of all that is good, shut up.

You, the American worker, are giving me a splitting headache. You complain about every little thing under the sun. What is wrong with being happy that you have a job, and keeping your trivial little opinions to yourself? As a business owner, I am very familiar with your grievances, and I could not care less about them.

Liberals…Good for the jobs you can’t outsource.

Sadly, I do happen to employ a good number of liberals. The primary reason for this apparent lapse in protocol is financial. Conservatives consider money to be something of importance, and I agree. Liberals can be paid less. They are too weak and stupid to stand up for themselves. The secondary reason is a touch more insidious: If I work a liberal nearly to death, the chances of them becoming an activist, or even a voter, drop dramatically. This is why I am so happy that American business is controlled by the Party of God.

Since when is “employee” a dirty word?

For some reason the idiots that work for me are starting to dislike the word “employee”. I would understand if I called my workers “slaves”, or “fodder”, or “chattel” to their faces, but I only use those terms in board-room memoranda. Today, I was forced to take all radios out of the hands of my employees, and crush them. I do not care if I was destroying their personal property, they bought it with my money, remember? I needed to silence these radios so that my peons could no longer listen to Thom Hartmann. Thommy-boy is a liberal who prefers the word “progressive”, similar to how I prefer to call liberals “those who are damned to the fires of hell for all eternity, after a life of insignificance here on Earth”. The Progressive Chipmunk, as I call Thom, has been saying that “producer” is a better word than “employee”. If any of my employees are reading this, first congratulations on finishing your GED classes. Second, if I hear you calling yourself a “producer”, I will teach you a new term: homeless beggar.

Your wage is fair…to me.

Dear American workers…none of us care if you think your pay is too low. You all need to realize that we business owners did not go into business for you. We want the money, and we demand that you make it for us. We will decide what you will be paid, and you will have no choice but to live with that. You talk about wanting a “living wage”. What is that? I am quite able to live with the wage I pay my employees. They are able to make it to work, and none of them have starved in recent memory. Stop whining, and get back to being a producer…of my profits.

I will make the suggestions, because I own the suggestion box.

Listen up, you dirt covered labor-lemmings. There are a few very important things you can do to ensure you keep your jobs. First, abandon your unions. They started to die the same instant that someone who makes brake pads decided to get involved in politics. Second, stop asking for better conditions, pay, and the like. We are not going to give it to you, and it makes us very angry when you ask. Your constant complaining is the reason why we business moguls outsource. You can bet that Habib and Pedro don’t ask for anything other than not to be physically abused by our appointed managers. Third, and last, is the topic of benefits. We are taking them away from you for your own good. If you don’t have health insurance, you will not live a dangerous lifestyle. Nothing helps you make better health decisions than the understanding that a wrong choice could mean death or financial ruin. Remember to thank your boss the next time you see them.

Get back to work, America, and don’t read this on company time.

Welcome To The Fold, Senator McCain

2006-06-23T09:00:00.000-04:00

You know, I’ve noticed a real change in the senator from Arizona, John McCain lately. I have to say it’s a change I find refreshing from the man who once said this about evangelical leaders during his 2000 run for president:

They've led our party in the wrong direction.… The message of intolerance and exclusion rather than inclusion is directly in contradiction to the message that I've been trying to send around America... They will desert, I hope, the intolerant and wrong-headedness of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.

I wonder, Senator McCain, how did your strategy of asserting that the Religious Right is some sort of tumor on the Republican Party work out for you? Oh, you didn’t even make it out of the primary, did you? Well even a weak-kneed moderate like yourself is smart enough to now realize that we can be just as exclusionary and intolerant to Republicans who don’t share our views as we can be to homosexuals who try to corrupt our children.

Now, as campaigns for the 2008 presidential elections begin to heat up it seems that the McCain has changed his tune to something more pleasing to my Christian ears:

By accepting the invitation [to speak at Falwell’s evangelical Christian college] and showing newfound respect for Falwell, political analysts say, McCain is courting religious right voters with the goal of accomplishing in 2008 what he couldn't in 2000: win the Republican nomination for president.

What do you think, dear readers, has McCain finally accepted Jesus as his personal savior? Has he at last recognized the cracks in the foundation of the moral edifice in this country? You might think so, but let me explain to you how you’re once again wrong.

First, I should acknowledge the fact that John McCain is a hero. He has truly seen the horrors of war as a POW in Vietnam and for that I respect him. I, as a conservative, have nothing but good things to say about any man who has served his country in the military, be he Republican or even moderate Republican.

Given his experience with war, I think it's safe to say that McCain fears no man. Unfortunately this fearlessness also extends to God. He simply does not have a healthy fear of God to help inform his politics. McCain is a man without any sense of morality, and quite frankly is a man with no soul. But this empty vessel of a man can still prove quite useful to me and the rest of the social conservative movement.

You see, we’re all well aware of the fact that McCain does not share our values but we also know that he wants very badly to be president. To even stand a chance of making it this time, he’ll have to get the Jesus-friendly seal of approval. In order to get this, he’ll have to promise and deliver anything we ask him for.

We may even draft the executive order calling for the designation of homosexuals as enemy combatants in the war on Terror so that he can sign it immediately should he make it to the oval office. I have to admit though, that there is nothing greater then watching a former foe crawling on his belly pleading for my help. There is simply nothing sweeter than this.

So you may have been wondering what that absolutely fabulous scent Senator McCain has been wearing lately is called. It’s called political desperation. I personally think it suits him quite well, and I know the rest of the Religious Right movement find it absolutely intoxicating.

Is PA Going Gay?

2006-06-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

Is PA going gay? The answer is a simple, resounding “depends on who you ask”.

I usually try to stick to matters that are important nationwide. You might be asking yourself why I am choosing to center my attentions on my home state of Pennsylvania. I feel no need to explain myself to you, but I am in a magnanimous mood today. The first reason is the fact that this is my post. The second reason is that if PA can go gay, so can your state. Actually, this does not apply to Washington, as you are already a gay state.

Two Pennsylvania politicians are in the Sodomite-Spotlight this week. Can you guess who?

One is a wonderful human being, and a model of virtue and God-fearing piety. He loves his God, his country, and his family. He has the huge heart it requires to take your stillborn fetus-child into your bed, and cuddle its lifeless form through the night. He thinks that if you are gay you have a good chance of bursting into flame at any moment, and I platonically adore him for it.

The other is a great big bear of a man, a great big hairy evil bear. He is just about as gay as a person can be. I feel sorry for men who have to be near him. He is the kind of guy who you can share a cab with, and by the time you get your bags from the trunk you will be a flaming homosexual. Have you figured out who our candidates are yet? Well, here they are!

Senator Rick Santorum

In case you are a moron, he is the straight one. There has been some doubt about that this week, though. I am sure you have all seen the photo of Mr. Santorum wearing the fabulous lavender blazer with the flaming pink tie. Get over it, folks. It does not make you a homosexual to dress to fit your mood. Rick Santorum is simply gay as hell. Of course, I am using the proper meaning of “gay”, which is “happy”. Rick Santorum has a song in his heart, probably some happy little ditty from Broadway. A real man like Santorum can wear what he wants, and that does not make him a closeted homosexual. Singing show-tunes does not make him gay, and neither does having an entire litter of children to prove your manhood, either. Only if he were to have sex with another man would he be gay like…

Governor Ed Rendell

You guessed it, Ed Rendell is about as gay as a man can get. Last week Dame Ed Rendell kicked off the gay-pride march in Pittsburgh. He was even sporting a nice little rainbow flag on the front of his government issue blue suit. Recently, for those who do not know, the Pennsylvania House passed an amendment outlawing gay marriage. Rendell, who supports gay marriage, was very upset. Rendell would like Pennsylvanians to be able to marry whoever or whatever they want. If Big Ed had his way, I could marry a lamp-post. My logic is simple, for those of you who still doubt my God-granted infallibility. If you attend a gay pride march or rally, then you are gay. If you live on the route of one of these hell-bound processions, you might turn gay. If you know a gay person, you have almost a 92 percent chance of turning into a homosexual. Ed Rendell might have started off straight, but he never had a chance with all those flaming heathens around. That march across the Roberto Clemente Bridge was nothing more than a march to the devil’s doorstep.

Do not despair, Pennsylvanians.

November will be here soon, and Ed Rendell will be ousted from the Governor’s Mansion. We will have a real man at the helm of our Commonwealth. Lynn Swann will lead us forward, putting his skills as a Hall of Fame receiver and a trained ballerina to good use. His testosterone dripping name will strike fear into queers far and wide. As for Santorum, we all know that his seat is safe, and straight.

The Meek Shall Inherit My Tax Burden

2006-06-19T12:05:00.000-04:00

You know, the more I think about how much of my hard earned money goes to pay for social programs to benefit jobless liberals the angrier I become. I do not work hard making money so that it can be taken from me by Uncle Sam and used to feed those who are too stupid and lazy to feed themselves.

Why should I even have to pay any taxes at all?

You see, taxation is, and always has been, a form of punishment. You force people to pay money to deter them from committing a certain act. You are fined for speeding or littering so that you will think twice before doing either of these things again. Since when did being financially successfully and having more than enough money to sustain yourself become a crime?

Just think if the rules of the road worked like our current inequitable tax system does:

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
You: No, sir, I honestly don’t know why. I was going the speed limit and I’ve always been a careful driver.
Officer: Well, I saw you come to a complete stop at that stop sign back there and you even signaled before you turned, so I’m going to have to give you a ticket and a fine.
You: But I don’t understand...
Officer: Well it’s simple, we’re going to take the two hundred dollars we get from you and give it to a driver who just ran a red light and plowed down three pedestrians walking on the sidewalk so that he can get a more powerful engine put in his car.

Does this scenario seem at all fair to you? If it doesn’t then that means you’re sick of this progressive tax system we are currently stuck with. If it does then it means you’re an idiot.

The simple fact of the matter is that if you bring home anything less than $100,000/year, then you cannot honestly say that you’ve worked as hard as you could have. It’s people like this that need a firm reminder that they will get nowhere in this country without a good strong work ethic. Taxes should serve to motivate those less industrious people to put in those extra weekend shifts at Burger King if they hope to have enough to pay both their tax bill and rent come April. I obviously don’t need such a reminder and therefore should not have to pay a single cent in taxes!

Bottom line, the wealthy should not have to pay taxes just because they have more than enough money to meet their basic needs. I’ve heard people say that taxes are the price you pay for living in a country that actually allows you to acquire so much wealth. It’s supposedly giving back to a country that has given you so much. To this I say that I’ve already contributed more than enough to this country by actually working to my potential and fulfilling the American dream.

The Wrong Kind of Democracy

2006-06-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

We need to end the occupation of Iraq, and start the war again.

Iraq is a serious threat to our national security. The U.N. is once again refusing to act, and America must go it alone one more time. The government that we helped elect has turned its back on us, and we cannot allow this to stand. Some of you are scratching your heads now, and that means that either you have lice, or you are confused. I can do nothing for your infestation of vermin, but I can help set your thoughts straight. I know God, and God wants us to go show Allah how it is done. There are three main reasons why we need to take over Iraq:

Amnesty? This is my least favorite word, after “liberal”.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, a Shia (more beheading, less bombs), has promised amnesty for all insurgents who have only killed Americans. Now, I am only guessing, but I suspect that the terrorist leaders have told their people the exact same thing, only replacing “amnesty” with “seventy-two virgins”. Before we know it, Iraqi mothers will be saying to their children “Ok, now you go play, Jaffahazabara, kill some Americans, but don’t eat any pork. Be back before 10 or I will cut off your feet…have fun!” The government of Iraq has mailed out embossed invitations to kill our boys, and we paid for the stationery.

Everybody do the Egyptian.

By “do” I mean “kill with a smart-bomb or a bullet in the forehead”. Al Qaeda has a new leader in Iraq, and his name is Abu Ayyub Al-Masri, also known as “The Egyptian”. Al-Masri is an expert in explosives, as opposed to Al-Zarqawi, who was an expert in knitting hats for infants. We are in much more danger now, since the number three Al Qaeda operative in Iraq is a master at mailing things through U.P.S. He learned this skill while in the U.S. on a student visa, attending an eBay training academy. The vile Islamists now have the ability to attack us on our own soil. Remember what we have been saying for years now: “We need to fight them there, again, so they cannot attack us here, again.”

They are such rude hosts.

Vice President Tariq al-Hashimi, a Sunni (more bombs, less beheading), asked our esteemed leader President Bush for a timetable for our withdrawal on Tuesday. These newly elected Iraqis really do have some nerve. Think about it for a moment. Islamic law says that you must treat any guest in your home as though he were family. Imagine if you had a houseguest. They have only been in your home for a few years, and they have destroyed nearly everything you own. Would you ask them to leave? Of course not! Americans are not as rude as Muslims, I suppose, as we rarely throw out our rich uncles.

We have exhausted all diplomatic avenues.

There is no option now but war. Our great leader spent nearly five exhausting hours in negotiations with Iraqi leadership this week, to no avail. The Iraqi menace grows every day, and the Iraqi citizens are desperate for freedom from their oppressors. Do not fear, people of Iraq. America will come to your rescue.

Get ready for freedom, Iraq!

Why Censorship Is So Important

2006-06-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed that we have started moderating all comments on this blog. In the past couple days we have received comments that we didn’t like from people whose views do not mesh with the overall mission of Conservatives for American Values. Those fools have now been silenced.

I don’t think we need to justify this decision to anyone, but I would like to give my readers a taste of the type of comments that have polluted this blog (their names have been changed for their own protection):

firearmz said: You are not Christians, I am a Christian. You will go to hell, I will not go to hell. You are bad, I am good.

This is probably the most absurd thing I have ever read. I’m not a Christian? I am the measure by which all other Christians should be judged. You claim to be a Christian, yet you do not believe fully in the principles of conservatism that Jesus teaches. Me go to hell? Not unless God wants to send me down there to help torture all the liberals that have ended up there.

the inebriated Japanese warrior said: You guys are insane. I am a conservative and you’re making all of us look bad.

Yes, I make all of you look bad but only by comparison. I am an unabashed conservative, untainted by the disease of moderateness. You, on the other hand, are a weak-kneed coward who is afraid to stand up for the true principles of the Republican Party. I do shame you, but only because you’re a pale imitation of a conservative.

Another issue with allowing comments to be posted without our approval is that a comment can remain up for hours without Herman or I having the chance to address it. This gives liberals an opportunity to present subversive or depraved ideas such as the ones presented above before we can rhetorically rip them to shreds. This puts our readers at risk of succumbing to the twisted ideology of liberalism. I cannot let that stand!

You may disagree with our decision, but luckily for those true conservatives who understand the importance of censorship, we won’t have to read your idiotic complaints about it anymore.

The Devil Wears Condoms

2006-06-14T00:05:00.001-04:00

The way today’s society is headed, your kids are going straight to Hell.

I am not talking about the classic sins of free-thinking, drugs, or rock music. I am talking about sex. I hate to even use the word “sex”, so this is not going to be easy for me to write. My wife and I much prefer to call it “the act of procreation”.

Premarital sex is on the rise.

More and more of our youth these days think it is ok to engage in premarital sex. This is a disturbing trend, and it is only getting worse. When I was growing up only two people per graduating high-school class had engaged in sexual behavior. They were the harlot who had gotten pregnant, and the misguided but well meaning boy who had impregnated her.

As recently as 1997, only one percent of unmarried persons had experienced a sexual encounter.

I derived this figure from an informal survey of my friends, family, and neighbors, and I consider them to be very representative of society on the whole. Only one person that I polled admitted to having sex before marriage: my car-detailer, Tyrell. He said that he had sex “on the down-low”, and then looked at me with what I could only guess was memory fueled lust. I fired him, and called the police to have him taken away. I can only guess that “on the down-low” is African-American slang for engaging in intercourse while on the ground.

Things are going down hill.

Children these days can think of nothing but sex. In some cases, the premarital lust-child will stop eating, stop drinking, stop sleeping, and stop caring about school. Some people chalk this up to “hormones”. They claim that hormones drive adolescents towards sex, as though it were some primal mission based on thousands of years of evolution. I think this is ridiculous. If hormones existed, they would he mentioned in the Bible. Just try to find that reference.

Condoms in school.

I am enraged, even beyond my normal level of righteous indignation. It has recently come to my attention that there are sexual education programs in schools that actually teach children how to use condoms. Satan created condoms. Think about this for a moment: The most popular brand of sin-covers goes by the name “Trojan”. The word “Trojan” refers, of course, to the Trojan Horse. Condoms are Satan’s way of making your children think that sex is “safe”. Safe? I think not. Your young son or daughter might not catch gonorrhea, but they will spend eternity burning in the fires of Hell. So much for safe sex.

What do you do?

You need to teach your children. Teach them that God will kill them dead if they have sex before they are married. Let them know that even masturbation will guarantee that Christ will hate them forever. My children are terrified of sex, as they well should be. I simply let them know that sex was a violent, horrible, miserable, depraved, torture-filled experience. I made it sound like a Vietcong prison camp, but ran by Gary Coleman. I did let them know that sex becomes a beautiful gift from God the moment they get married, however.

Only you can keep your children safe from the dangers of sex. Stay vigilant.

My Two Part Plan for Bettering America

2006-06-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

It’s not always enough to just talk about liberals and the problems they create – sometimes we need a clear plan to deal with these societal problems head-on. Therefore, I humbly submit a two part plan that I know can help change America for the better.

1. Immediately deport all “illegal immigrants”
This part is simple; we need to introduce legislation that would deport all illegal immigrants in this country back to Mexico (regardless of their country of origin). Amnesty is not an option here. These people broke the law in coming to this country and that makes them criminals. I say anything less than a savage beating followed by deportation is a sign of weakness.

2. Redefine the definition of “illegal immigrant”
Mexicans are trying to change every word in the English language to its Spanish equivalent while at the same time homosexuals try to redefine the very definition of marriage. It’s time we end this “war on words” and take back the English language and our country!

With our no nonsense deportation policy in place, the second step of my plan is to introduce a bill that expands the definition of who should be considered an illegal immigrant to include:

Anyone who speaks Spanish fluently
Homosexuals
Non Christians

In doing this we ensure that America is cleansed of its less desirable citizens and is that much closer to the Christian utopia we all pray so loudly for. Please, if you are reading this, call your Senators and tell them “No amnesty for immigrants, homosexuals, or Spanish speakers.”

Ann Coulter Killed and Ate Donna Reed

2006-06-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

Don’t act so surprised.

Ann Coulter has overstepped her bounds for the last time. I cannot let a woman be the mouthpiece of the neo-cons. I especially cannot let that woman be Ann Coulter. Have any of you noticed that she is a Howard Dean style nutcase?

Women should be seen, not heard.

I do not need to share Ann Coulter’s most recent foot-in-mouth comment with you. I am sure you have seen all the crying liberals spread all over each and every news channel. I disagree with what Annie said, and I do not think it is right for her to attack widows. One reason for that comes to mind instantly:

Anne Coulter will never be a widow.

Ann Coulter is not a married woman. I can only assume that she has left a trail of jilted, and possibly maimed, lovers in her wake. We cannot have a wanton woman claiming to speak for us! This is insane! Any woman of her age that has never been married is one of three things. I will lay them out for you, of course.

One…Beware loose women.

It is very possible that Ann Coulter is not married because she is having her desires met in another fashion. I can only surmise that this means sex with men who are not her husband. This should still be a stone-able offense, in my eyes. I think it is rather unbecoming that the writer of “Godless” could be a raging harlot.

Two… X + X + Y = Raging monster woman.

Maybe Ann Coulter is not a miserable hussy. It is possible that she is not woman enough to be a hussy, nor man enough to be a sexual dynamo. In my studied opinion, she might have both male and female chromosomes. It is wholly possible that Ann Coulter is a horrifying amalgam of man and woman, capable of portraying either with ease. If it leaves its hair down, it is Ann. If it cuts its hair short, it is Andy.

Three…The lesbian liberal-killer strikes again.

The third and final possibility is that Ann Coulter is a lesbian. This means that she enjoys the sexual company of other woman, and that she has an irrational fear of razors and perfume. This would be a very reasonable explanation for why there is no Mr. Coulter to tell her to “shut the hell up, woman”. I cannot allow a woman-loving-woman to speak for me.

Prove me wrong, Ann Coulter.

There is a simple way for Ann Coulter to change my opinion of her. She needs to get married. I mean a real marriage, to a real man. She would have to live with him, sleep with him, take care of all his needs, and instantly obey his commands. She would also have to refrain from unhinging her lower jaw and devouring him in two or three bites. I will take back each and every one of my comments if Ann Coulter gets married and stays that way for life. Divorce would, of course, violate the law of God, and it would also serve to prove me right.

Until Ann Coulter gets married, I do not want to hear another syllable out of her. Once she is married, I will expect her husband to keep her silent. Is any man amongst us up to the task?

The GOP Has Been Infiltrated…By Satan!

2006-06-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

Something is wrong inside the Republican Party.

I am not referring to the fact that most Republicans are far too weak on the important issues of the day, such as men marrying men, or flag burning. These are issues that we know about, they are at the surface, and will be dealt with. No. There is something much more sinister afoot. We have a mystery, and I hate mysteries.

Our sacred symbol has been corrupted.

I love our symbol, the Republican Elephant. It does truly stand for our party. It has the power and the girth to flatten all opposition. It inspires me. Well, I should put that in the past tense. It did inspire me, until today. Our symbol has been wronged, and we need to set things right.

Satan has taken our elephant.

Look closely at our symbol. Notice the three stars? The five pointed star is associated with goodness and balance. It is even the same star that is found on our beloved American flag. Look at our symbol a little closer, though, and tell me what you see.

The stars are upside down!

You read it right. The stars on our symbol are upside down, with the single point at the bottom, and the footer points at the top. This is not the symbol for anything happy, cuddly, or warm. There are three of these upside down stars. These are the stars that represent the goat, which in-turn represents Satan. Symbologists (like that idiot Robert Langdon in “The DaVinci Code”) agree that the five pointed star, or pentagram, is an ancient symbol for the number “6”. Let me spell this out. Three pentagrams equal 666. This is the symbol for my arch-enemy, Satan, or his minion, the Anti-Christ. Why in the world would our symbol have the emblem of Satan on it?

Politicians don’t create symbols, but artists do.

Wow. Who would have thought that an artist would have the proverbial balls to do this? Not I, for certain. We may never know which crafty (read gay) little artist made our symbol a billboard for the devil. One thing is obvious, though. We need to bring these artists under control. I am sure you have all heard of “artist colonies”, right? I think it might be best if all artists went to colonies. Camps, if you prefer. That might be the best way to concentrate them all in one place. There is a term for that, camps that concentrate people, but it is escaping me at the moment.

I have an important request.

We need a straight, honest, Republican artist. No such person exists in the world today. I am requesting, readers, that you support me while I begin to study art. I am stronger in my politics, masculinity, and faith than any of you, but I would appreciate your support. With your help, someday, I might be able to turn these stars right side up. Until then, turn your Republican elephants upside down. It is better to look at an inverted pachyderm than it is to worship Satan by looking at our current symbol.

If You Love Christ At All, Do Not Give Birth Today!

2006-06-06T07:25:00.000-04:00

I hope I am not too late in issuing this warning. If you’ve already started experiencing the pangs of childbirth then please just wait a moment to read this before you go rushing off to the hospital. I have something very important to tell you. Today is just not a good day to give birth to your child, unless of course it is your intention to give birth to Satan’s son.

You may already be aware that today is June 6, 2006. What you may not know is that this date can also be written “6/6/06”, which if we completely ignore the zero, could be written as “6/6/6”. Still not following me? Well, maybe if I remove the slashes from this date you’ll see the significance…. 666. That’s right! We can manipulate today’s date so that it becomes the number of the beast!

For those among you who are not learned Biblical scholars like myself, allow me to point you to the relevant passage in the book of Revelations that explains the importance of this unholy number:

Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom: let anyone with the understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred and sixty-six.

Now many may find the Book of Revelation to be a confusing jumble of psychedelic and incomprehensible ramblings. I understand it perfectly. I seem to be one of the only ones with enough wisdom and understanding to calculate the number (“6/6/06” - “0” - “/”’ - “/” = “666”). And there is no ambiguity here for me, by the “number of his name,” they mean the "date of his birth". So clearly today is the day that the unholy one shall be born.

Some women have wisely decided (with their husband’s consent I hope) to induce their birth early when they were told that their due date might be today. Maybe you’re a pregnant woman reading this and wished you’d have had the foresight to do the same. It looks like you’re in quite a mess, but I shouldn’t need to remind you that you’re the parent here. Your child may wish to be born now, but you have to remain firm. Do not let this strong willed fetus dictate when he will be born. Hold that child inside of you until the clock strikes twelve so that you can be sure your little bundle of joy will be born horn-free.

Let some liberal give birth to the antichrist, they’re used to raising kids who hate God anyway.

Bill Frist, Defender of Marriage

2006-06-05T07:50:00.000-04:00

Why do the homos insist that they have the right to marriage?

Marriage is the union of a man and a woman. Marriage is not the union of two men, one of whom refers to himself as “Sally”. It has always been my belief that keeping the gays from wedding one another is one of the most important issues our country faces. For the longest time, however, most Republicans have not shared my fervor.

I thank God for Bill Frist every day.

Bill Frist knows that nothing is more important than keeping two men or two women from putting rings on each others fingers. We are a country built on morals. The homosexual community (no, I do not mean San Francisco) is a community built on evil. People claim that what homo-insurgents do in their own homes is their business. Wrong. The gays don’t become straight upon leaving their front doors. They march, they parade, they buy shoes, and they call everything “fabulous”. History shows that they make God angry, and furthermore they make me sick.

You had better stay healthy.

Bill Frist knows that having hundreds of thousands of new married couples would do untold damage to America’s health insurance companies. Think about this, reader: If the gays are awarded the right to marry, you will lose your health benefits. If you have a heart attack, and need medical care, you will die in the waiting room while two guys in leather comment on your shoes. The last thing you will hear before God takes you in his embrace will be “Eww. Those shoes are soooo last season. How could he wear those to die in?”

The Amendment

This amendment, blessed by God, simply reads: “Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman.” Amen, brother Frist, amen. We somehow lost the battle to keep inter-racial couples from marrying, and look how that turned out. We have the chance to make things better. You must follow the lead of the glorious Bill Frist. We can win this one, and make the world a better place for our straight children.

It is time we gave these gays a good Fristing.

Domestic Spying and Your Precious Civil Liberties

2006-06-02T00:01:00.000-04:00

Today we are the featured post on the notorious liberal blog “Bring It On!” You would think that they would be a little bit smarter than that. They came to us looking for the conservative viewpoint on the issue of domestic spying. We gave them what they asked for and more. Sometimes I think that these leftists are a bit too accepting. I call it wishy-washy. We have reprinted the post below, so that you do not need to expose yourself to the Demon-crats slanderous lies.

The Problem

By Michael Gregory Steele

The issue of domestic spying is certainly a contentious one. This whole debate began, of course, when it was revealed that President Bush obtained wiretaps without going through the normal legal channels. Thus the great debate of personal freedom vs. national security began. This idea of government surveillance reminds me of another three branch entity that constantly monitors those people it oversees -- the Holy Trinity.

Yes, God spies on each of his children every moment of every day and I'm pretty sure He didn't obtain a court order to do so. It seems that the Lord has very little respect for the laws of this country or the Constitution. Somebody call the ACLU! Whoops, it appears the ACLU is too busy attempting to legislate Jesus Christ out of existence. It looks like you're just going to have to stop complaining instead, you bunch of sniveling twits.

You liberals can look evil straight in its beady Muslim eye and yet do not have courage to sacrifice your “right to privacy” in order to defeat it. “Selfish” is the word that comes to mind, oh and also “moronic”. For you see, the problem is not eroding civil liberties or overextended presidential power. No, the problem is whiney liberals like you who stand in the way of us fighting this War on Terror.

The Solution

By Herman B. Hayes

God hears all prayers, but he asked for Bush’s help with phone calls.

I know what God wants, I know what Jesus likes. God likes me. Face it, you wishy-washy pseudo-commies, God is spying on you every day of your lives. Why then, are you all so opposed to our benevolent government making sure you are secure? I know that Democrats hate God and love Satan. It is just in your nature. That does not mean, however, that you need to expose the rest of us to terrorist attacks. You might be in a hurry to get to hell and see your good pal Satan, but I have a few more things to get done before I ascend to heaven.

Did you sue your mother when she tucked you in at night?

If you had asked the ACLU, I am sure they would have filed papers on your behalf. The ACLU lawsuit against our God-ordained government is ridiculous. What is wrong with a government looking in on the citizenry to make sure it is safe and sound? It is the duty of every American, and every American institution, to be open to domestic spying. We need to know who the terrorists are. I am calling for the disbandment of any organization that opposes domestic espionage.

I send tapes of my own phone conversations and copies of my emails to the White House every month.

Democrats do nothing to help our country. This needs to change. You need to be more proactive with defending our homeland. Your neighbor might be a terrorist, your child’s kindergarten teacher could be planning a hijacking. You should preemptively turn them in. You should provide the government with your emails, transcripts of your phone calls, and your internet browser history. You never know what personal information about you might help stop a terrorist attack.

You can help!

Men, you can help by paying attention to those around you in the workplace. Gary in accounting could be Al Qaeda. Are you gay? Make yourself useful, and attend homo-rallies and spy on your fellow sodomites. Are you a woman? Even you can serve a purpose other than taking care of your home and your husband! Just use your feminine wiles on men in the community, to see if they are clandestine jihadists. Turn them on, then turn them in, I always say. I know it is hard for you liberals to do, but you should at least try to help. Thank you for reading this, and you may begin to complain now.

Moral Mailbox: Do You Lack Passion In the Bedroom?

2006-05-30T15:19:00.000-04:00

Last night I sat down at my computer and combed through the hundreds of emails I received in my absence. I figured in this case, that the law of large numbers would dictate at least one of these emails would contain an intelligent question. It seems that math, like science, has failed me again.

I didn’t receive one single email that either didn’t contain a question that was too idiotically worded to answer or whose answer was so blindingly obvious that it would be a complete waste of my time to respond to it. I clearly have asked too much from my readers in requesting that they string together a few words to form a coherent question.

One email, while not a moral query, did grab my attention and was sent to me by “Chad”:

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time... The most simple way is to visit our site, order the medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!

While I appreciate your concern, Chad, I actually do not have erectile dysfunction and am very capable of “satisfying my woman.” Also, if I did have a problem in this area, killing the clock is indeed the last thing I would do.

To be honest with you Chad, if anything I could use a pill that decreases the level of testosterone that is coursing through my masculine frame. In fact, if you hear anything about such a pill, please let me know. It’s very inconvenient for me to have to shave five times a day.

Unfortunately, Chad isn’t the first reader to broach the subject of my ability to perform in the bedroom through the moral mailbox. In fact, given the number of emails I’ve received on the subject, it would seem that there are some very damning rumors circulating on the internet about me. Clearly some liberal website, like Moveon.org or Media Matters, has turned its attention to me and is running a vicious smear campaign as a means to silence me. They are wasting their time!

Thank you, Chad, for giving me the opportunity to clear my name and for your generous offer of generic Viagra. Just don’t believe everything you see on the internet because these liberal attacks will become more vicious and more common as I ascend to the heights of conservative stardom. Although I think it’s clear to everyone that Michael Gregory Steele is not the face of erectile dysfunction.

Onward, Christian Super-Soldiers

2006-05-25T22:00:00.000-04:00

“Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching As To War”

I am sure that we all remember the words to the classic hymn “Onward Christian Soldiers”. Once it was enough that these were words on a page, or voices in a church. No longer is this the case, however. The enemy surrounds us, Christianity is under siege, and the deadlock must be broken.

It is time for the new Christian Army.

Enough! Our sense of complacency is getting us nowhere. Our enemies are almost too numerous to count. We are up against the forces of the homos, the abortionists, the jihadists, the Scientologists, the Indian Nations, television, radio, and even the vile and violent Buddhist monks. This is not the time to be a weak Christian. We are trapped in our fortress of faith, and all the weak are good for is throwing over the walls to distract the enemy.

The Bible says that our bodies are temples. I am sure God does not appreciate your scrawny, weak, crumbling temples.

God wants us to be strong, muscular, and brutal temples to his faith. Were the Crusaders weak? Were the disciples weak? No! The disciples, for instance, were muscle-bound behemoths. Jesus himself weighed in at around 250 pounds, without an ounce of fat, and knew that the best way to bring people into the fold was an overwhelming display of physical power. You did not want to receive a smiting from Jesus and his boys.

Pancakes and power shakes?

Thankfully, we have a nutritional scientist on our side. We have a man whose knowledge of physiology, chemistry, and human pathology is unparalleled in the halls of science. This Holy Alchemist has created two formulas, one a shake, the other fluffy and delicious pancakes, which will make any Christian into a berserker warrior for Christ. This great man is none other than Pat Robertson.

Meet Pat Robertson’s Pagan-Punishers

These are the new breed of Christian warriors. Imagine, loyal believers, an army of Christian warrior males, ready for battle, giant muscles rippling in the sun, steely looks in their eyes, Bibles and swords at the ready. Pat Robertson’s pancakes and protein shakes can give us this. Pat Robertson can leg press 2000 pounds. Remember, please, that Pat is around seventy years of age. Imagine the body of a twenty-year old after taking part in Mr. Robertson’s program. I imagine them all the time.

Eat, drink, and be powerful.

These are troubled times for Christianity. We are under attack from all sides, but with the help of Pat Robertson we can break the siege. It is our moral duty to be strong. Christianity can no longer tolerate the weak and the downtrodden. Christ wants us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps, and for that you need very powerful arms. So, be prepared to move out, and be ready to follow General Jesus wherever he may lead us.

The Lord Redelivers Me Unto You

2006-05-24T12:30:00.000-04:00

Where have I been for the last couple months?

What could possibly distract me from my mission of providing the spiritual education needed by you, my unenlightened brethren? What is so important that it could justify me abandoning all of you when your need for a regular dose of righteousness is so great? One word: family.

If there’s one thing you can manage to learn from our teachings, it should be this: nothing is more important than family or the conservative principles needed to keep a family from falling apart. It’s just been more important for me to be a good father to my son Joseph than to try and drill the truth into your heads.

But why did Joseph require so much time of my time?

Well, perhaps I need to start at the beginning. You see, ever since he’s been very young, I’ve known that Joseph is …well… different. They say the apple never falls far from the tree, but that’s not always the case. I’m ashamed to admit that this particular apple is far fruiter than the tree and even most other apples.

I would often play catch with my son and cringe as he pranced around the yard after letting the baseball slip through his fingers. His athletic ineptitude spoke to my greatest fear. But I, being the incredible father I am, didn’t let this concern me. "He just needs to spend some time with his dear old dad," I told myself. Plenty of games of catch and daily showers with his dad (as Dr. James Dobson recommends) should have been enough to keep him on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t. I discovered in January that my son had tried out for the school play, and it was a musical no less. I was devastated.

I of course blamed myself, as any good father would. But my response to this catastrophe shows that I’m more than just a good father, I’m a great one.

From that day on, I spent every evening after work playing football with my son. I even used up some of my vacation time so that I could devote the extra time to him. This went beyond our usual games of catch as the situation was dire and required more than just a simple throw of the ball. No, for months my boy trained, and he trained hard. He ran countless drills, carried buckets of water and he of course showered with me daily to assure his straightness.

I’m now proud to say that my boy is completely cured and can throw a perfect spiral. I now see that the Lord chose to make my son this way as a test. And as with all of the tests the Lord gives me, I passed this one with flying colors. So now that I have finished proving to God that I am a superior father, I too have chosen to once again share my wisdom with all of you.

Conservatives for American Values has returned!

Normalcy Returns

2006-05-22T21:03:00.000-04:00

What is wrong with kids these days?

We all know the standard answer to that question. It is “poor parenting, a lack of respect and discipline, and not enough corporal punishment.” Sometimes, however, even the most well-bred of children can go awry. I am going to be frank with you, readers, the last four months have been miserable for the Hayes family.

d-N-methylamphetamine

For any of you who may have been left behind by our educational system, the above is the chemical name for methamphetamine, or “meth” as the toothless rabble call it. With recent media coverage of the meth problem, I am sure that I do not need to go into detail about what this drug does. There is, however, one thing that can make this drug even more dangerous:

Mexicans

Now, I know you are asking yourselves how Mexicans can make meth more dangerous, aside from producing, transporting, and selling it for money to buy tequila and knives. Mexicans can make meth more dangerous by selling it to our children. This is my confession: My eldest son, Nehemiah, spent the last four months in a private rehabilitation facility, ridding his system and mind of meth and illegal aliens.

A tale of two Methicans.

My son got the foolish notion that going to help illegal aliens survive in the deserts of the Southwest would be a good and humanitarian thing to do. I let him go, assuming that a few months of sand and scorpions would be enough to bring him to his senses. While tending to a water station, my beloved son was approached by two illegal alien Mexicans, both named Pedro. I can only assume that the dos Pedros somehow overpowered my boy and forced him to take the meth. Nothing else could make a Christian boy of college age from a strict household experiment with drugs.

My moral authority remains intact.

Those of you without faith may now have doubts about my moral authority. Those of you without faith may, then, excuse yourselves directly to hell. My moral authority is doing fine, thank you. My son was weak, you may well be weak, but I am not. He is out of rehab now, and we are keeping him on the straight and narrow path. Things are right again in the Hayes household, and I am ready to be your moral compass once again.

Trying times are upon us.

These are trying times for our party, our President, and our faith. Some days it seems like we are under attack from all fronts. Every night on the news it is the same trivial garbage about Iraq, the NSA wiretapping, the NSA phone records, illegal immigration, Duke Cunningham, prostitutes at the Watergate, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Guantanamo, secret prisons, torture, Cheney shooting people, and trading nuclear technology to India for mangoes, the list goes on and on. But do not despair! Rejoice!

Conservatives for American Values has returned!

I Spy a Terrorist Hiding Behind The Constitution

2005-12-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to get really tired of people overreacting to the current domestic spying situation. Yes, the President of the United States obtained wiretaps on several Americans without going through the normal legal channels. He's admitted to doing this, so what exactly is the problem? Our president is spying on terrorists and keeping America safe, not murdering puppies. Let's get some perspective here people.

The only people who would object to being spied on are those with something to hide. Do you have something to hide? Are you a terrorist hiding behind the so-called "right to privacy" in the United States Constitution? If so then I'm not really concerned that you might have to look over your shoulder wondering if "Big Brother" is watching. If you're a terrorist then anything more than the rights that would be afforded to you in a Gitmo jail cell is too generous.

It's not just the bad guys who should be watched though, because even upstanding citizens like me can benefit from a little government supervision. It's a simple fact that when you're being monitored you're more likely to follow the rules. Law abiding people like myself have nothing to fear from a little government surveillence and we should welcome it. When you know you're being watched, you're less likely to do something that could harm yourself or your country.

Take my family for example. What would happen if I decided my wife Carol should have a bit more privacy? If she wasn't under my constant watchful eye, there's no telling what sort of trouble she could get herself into. Or how about my son, Michael Jr.? Just imagine the kind of depraved things he would do alone in the bathroom if he didn't know I was there with my ear pressed to the door. I won't apologize for thinking my son's "right to privacy" is less important than fighting the evils of self-abuse. Any responsible parent will agree.

And so it is the same for our country. President Bush is simply a concerned father keeping an eye on terrorists and also making sure that the rest of his citizens don't do something wrong. Look, you can say that you believe in protecting civil liberties and other such nonesense but I know what you mean. You see, I've cracked Al Queda's secret code on this one, "I don't approve of President Bush spying on Americans" translates directly to "As soon as nobody's looking, I'll commit a heinous act in the name of Allah."

You Dare To Question the War on Christmas?

2005-12-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

I thought this country was the United States of America, not some weak-kneed European Nation lacking in any sort of moral resolve. When I see public support for the Iraq war eroding and so-called Americans growing tired of supporting the cause of freedom and supporting our troops I have my doubts. Take it from me; nothing makes a soldier angrier than someone questioning their mission.

Now, I've never have been a soldier enlisted in any branch of the military, so you might wonder what I would know about the detrimental effect of naysayers on troop morale. I know plenty about it after some of the comments and emails I've received this week.

For you see, I am a soldier -- a soldier fighting in God's army to win this war on (or should I say “the war for”) Christmas. I'm on the front lines, urging my fellow religious freedom fighters to boycott stores that won't specifically acknowledge our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I'm also squatting in a foxhole writing indignant letters to the editor of my local paper while atheists lob verbal grenades in the form of "Happy Holidays" at me. So I am a soldier, a soldier fighting this just war against the godless unbelievers who so hate Christmas.

But instead of supporting me and the rest of the brave troops in this war, some among you express doubt about the worthiness of our cause. When you question the purpose of this war, you only embolden the atheists and disrespect every man and woman in Christ fighting for Christmas. Would you cowards have the guts to tell Bill O'Reilly that you don't support what he's doing? How about James Dobson? What about me? You are traitors to God and this country, plain and simple.

You think this war we're fighting is pointless, do you? You say the greeting "Happy Holidays" has been used prominently for decades and it's completely benign, huh? Well since I've started really paying attention to it this year, it seems like it's used far too often. This is just a small step before the phrase "Merry Christmas" is outright banned, then say goodbye to the celebration of Christmas, and then before you know it, we'll all be forced to denounce Jesus Christ or face deportation. And still you dare to question this war for Christmas!

We simply cannot wait until the liberals start coming to our homes to pry the Bibles and rosaries out of our righteous hands. No, by then it will be too late.

These secularists are chipping away at our religious freedoms with the power of the judiciary. This is a new breed of enemy that calls for a new more aggressive way of doing things. We must preemptively strike before the ACLU can litigate our Lord out of existence. We can see the influence of these secular progressives already taking hold so we must act now before this holy day of celebration is taken from us forever.

I’m sure you won’t think this fight pointless when they begin tearing down our Christian churches to make way for the cultural sensitivity training centers. Your lack of support for our cause only emboldens these godless liberals. You're either with us, or you're with the godless secular progressives who wish to destroy Christmas (let's just call them terrorists for short).

The War on Christmas

2005-12-14T21:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've found a cause as great as the one trumpeted by two champions of righteousness, John Gibson and Bill O'Reilly. Their message is a simple but important one: We must protect Christmas from the secular monsters who wish to destroy it. Never has the attack on Christianity been so blatantly obvious. But I guess such outward attacks remain a bit too subtle for even some supposed conservatives to recognize.

Of course anyone who's taken the time to read John Gibson's book the War on Christmas has no problem understanding this great threat. And if you've seen the O'Reilly Factor lately you're already well aware of the fact that certain stores are using the secular friendly greeting Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas in their seasonal advertising. I'm looking in your direction, Wal-Mart.

So what is the cause of all this insanity? Why do certain retailers refuse to specifically endorse the one true holiday of the season? Now some of my less thoughtful readers have suggested that it's just smart business. This might seem like a good point to your pathetically unenlightened minds, but I assure you that it isn't.

You pseudo-conservatives ask, "Why should these stores alienate non-Christians by only mentioning Christmas?" Looking at it clearly from a marketing perspective, shouldn't a more general greeting of Happy Holidays appeals to a larger audience and therefore maximize the impact of this advertising message? Well this may have been true in the past, but we Christians aren't going to stand for it any longer.

You just have to ask yourself who really benefits from the absense of the word "Christmas?" I mean it's a well known fact that Christians are by far the most generous gift givers and therefore spend a majority of the money these stores will make this season. As a businessman, you cater to the people who are going to make you money -- This is Marketing 101, people. Do you think it would be wise for Rolex to go out of their way to make sure homeless people are familiar with their new watch models? Or how about BMW, do you think they should promote their cars to jobless liberals who can't afford them? No and no, because these companies, unlike some visitors to this blog truly understand business.

Clearly it makes no sense from a business perspective for stores to be so "inclusive" in their advertising. So what would make these businesses lose sight of the bottom line? Or should I say who. There is only one twisted group who could make the companies forget that Jesus is the reason for the season -- activist atheists.More specifically, the activist atheists at the ACLU.

We Christians are wise to the ACLU's game though and have finally decided to draw a line in the sand. Retailers can either specifically acknowledge us Christians and ignore everyone else or find themselves on the receiving end of a financially crippling boycott. As the largest religion I think we've earned a little special recognition; and with the kind of buying power we have, retailers can't help but see it our way.

Merry Christmas, You Secular Pukes

2005-12-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

I would like to direct a message of Christmas cheer to all the progressive reprobates out there reading this blog. That's right; I want to wish you a "Merry Christmas," my morally bankrupt friends. No, I will not wish any of you "Happy Holidays" because my well wishes are only directed to those who choose to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

Oh, I'm sure you godless unbelievers would like take part in this glorious celebration of joy, gifts, and family -- but you can't. Oh sure, you can try and justify your use of "happy holidays" as an attempt to be inclusive. We certainly don't want to offend any Jewish people celebrating ChanakaIdontcarehowitsspelled, do we? Oh, and Kwanza, we can't forget Kwanzaa, can we? Yes, yes we can. In fact we can and should forget both of these supposed holidays.

I don't really care if the mention of Christ in my greeting makes you atheists squirm. Well, actually I do care, as I get a lot of joy out of making people like you uncomfortable. In fact I'm going to be sending out Jesus birthday cards instead of generic Christmas cards with cartoon snowmen this year. And hey, if you're in my neighborhood and I don't see you in church every Sunday then you've just made it on my Christmas card list. 'Tis the season for proselytizing.

You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I should simply say "god bless you" when someone around me sneezes. No, I can't afford to be so vague while the one true God is constantly under attack and near the time of his birth no less. I think the proper response from me will have to be "Jesus Christ bless you, unless you don't believe in Him, in that case I really don't care if your cold becomes fatal."

Listen, liberals, this isn't some generic holiday season or Chanwhocaresica it is and always has been Christmas. So I wish all of you idiotic progressive a very merry Christmas, not because I genuinely wish you any bit of happiness but because I know how uncomfortable the word Christ makes you.

Bad Things Only Happen To Bad People

2005-11-16T12:30:00.000-05:00

Apparently some of you had some trouble understanding the post I wrote the other day about the following quote given by Pat Robertson:

I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city

I mean it's pretty simple, God is going to remove his shield of protection from this city for embracing evolution instead of intelligent design. I really didn't people would have trouble understanding this, but apparently people cannot accept that God fully protects all of his followers that obey his word.

Part of the problem is that for years we've been subjected to the touchy-feely self-help notion that sometimes bad things can happen to good people. I've got news for all of you, good people are protected by the Lord and don't have to endure the same kind of suffering that bad people do. Just because you cannot figure out the particular sin that caused God to stop protected you that doesn't mean you didn't commit it -- Trust me, you did something wrong.

Now I've gotten a few emails from people countering my last post by citing the Book of Job. Yes, I know that Job was one of God's most devout followers and that God allowed a series of tremendous misfortunes to be inflicted upon. But God had a very specific reason to allow his family, his riches and his health to be taken from Job -- God needed to prove to Satan that Job would remain loyal to Him no matter what. Of course we all know that God won this bet and Satan in turn learned a valuable lesson.

Since God has already proven His point and there is no further need to "test" His followers through unspeakable tragedy He can focus His attention on punishing those who defy him. This brings me right back to my central argument: Bad thing only happen to bad people. So, Dover, watch out! You're angering the Almighty and you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

God Doesn't Help Unbelievers!

2005-11-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

You liberals really enjoy tempting fate, don't you? In Dover, PA there is a great theological battle taking place -- the battle over intelligent design. And what do the local residents of Dover do when faced with the choice between science or God? They turn their back on God and vote their local school board out of office for supporting intelligent design, that's what!

Pat Robertson is just as outraged as I am about these election results and said the following last week on the 700 Club:

I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city

I couldn't agree more, Pat. Although I want my readers to notice an important point about this quote that will no doubt get lost in the liberal media's "coverage" of all this. Pat isn't saying that God will punish the town of Dover with a natural disaster for disobeying him -- not that any of us would blame the Almighty if He did. No, on the contrary, Pat Robertson is simply saying that God won't protect the people of Dover if such an event does occur.

Let me try to explain the difference to you with a hypothetical story. Let's pretend that there's a man you work with by the name of Jim. Now let's imagine that Jim comes in one day and is exceptionally rude to you. Maybe he makes a cruel joke about the President's approval rating or says something rude about the tie you're wearing.

So anyway, later that same day you're walking down the street and you see Jim sitting inside of a Starbucks sipping one of those fancy coffee drinks. Then without warning the building catches fire with Jim trapped inside.

Now at this point you could take the metal trash can sitting in front of this Starbucks and break the window to allow Jim to escape, or you could simply watch. I mean, Jim really was a jerk to you earlier and I don't think anyone would blame you for just sitting back and enjoying the show. It's not as if you'd strapped Jim to a chair and set fire to him yourself, certainly not. It isn't like you've murdered Jim in this ficticious story -- it's at most depraved indifference on your part.

And this is exactly what Pat Robertson is talking about. It's not like God will exactly punish the people of Dover, He just might chuckle to Himself a bit if the residents of Dover find themselves trapped inside of a burning Starbucks with no way out.

I Owe You Less Than Nothing, Dear Readers

2005-11-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

I thought it would be a good idea to come back from my blogging hiatus and provide you, my faithful reader, with a firm but loving reminder. I just wanted to reiterate a simple point that some among you seem to have forgotten: I don't owe you anything.

This post though is about respect, more specifically the respect people should show me when they decide to correspond with me through email. No reader of this blog has the right to ask me to do more than I already do for all of you and yet emails like this pass through my mailbox regularly:

Michael? Herman? where are? I look to you for moral guidance. I feel lost without your words, please come back.

I wonder, if I allowed this same person to borrow my car would he then demand that I take it to the car wash and have it detailed first? I am doing you a favor, friend, by sharing my wisdom with you and yet you demand that I do it with more regularity? Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth -- or maybe you're biting the hand that feeds you, I'm not sure which.

Anyway, I just want to state again that I do not owe you anything and you owe me everything.

You see, in life everyone is faced with difficult ethical and moral dilemmas. It is the choices you make at these critical junctures that define who you are as a person and decide where you will ultimately end up in the afterlife. Often such choices are difficult to make and if you make the wrong one it can be nearly impossible to get yourself back on the right track. That's where I come in.

God has provided each of you with a map to show you the correct path in navigating through the jungle of life -- a map called the Bible. Sometimes though this map is difficult to understand and you need a rugged wilderness guide to help you through the rough patches with his machete of personal enlightenment. I am your guide, but sometimes even wilderness guides need some time off.

This particular wilderness guide also has the fate of his local economy resting upon his broad shoulders. This wilderness guide has been busy doing his job and continuing to make the world turns. But I don't feel I owe anyone here an explanation, in fact I owe you less than nothing.

My advice to all of you is to study your map and I’ll explain to you what it means when I'm good and ready. And finally when I do choose to answer your questions, be sure to address me with a little more humility and respect. Remember that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. If you continue to anger me, the Lord might just taketh me away from you for good.

We Have Survived

2005-11-02T19:15:00.000-05:00

The Hayes family has survived Halloween

I hate Halloween, as you might have guessed. Without a trace of doubt, it is my least favorite holiday of the year. Actually, we do not consider it to be a “holiday”, as that term is derived from the words “holy” and “day”, which Halloween is most assuredly not. It is a sick travesty that this worship of Satan is approved of in our Christian nation.

We do accept trick-or-treaters at the Hayes home, though.

We even decorate our house. We place crosses in our yard, a nativity, and signs with pertinent Bible verses. We open our doors to the young children who have been placed on the road to hell by their parents. We give them little wallet cards with Bible verses on them, and tell them that they are all going to burn in the eternal fires of Hell for what they are doing. We let them know that they will spend eternity being mauled and tortured unless they remove their costumes and run to the nearest church.

If God wanted us to be monsters, he would have made us that way.

Dressing up like a witch, a ghost, or any other form of damned being is a sure way to insult God. Why do you think that this is one of the worst days of the year for kidnappings, poisonings, and sexual assaults against youth? Apparently God is trying to send a message. That message is really a simple one:

Do not hand-deliver your children to Satan, dressed for the occasion.

It enrages me that parents who claim to be raising their children in the required Christian environment would shove God aside to worship Satan for a day. Would you shove your spouse aside for a day to have sex with a prostitute, just because the condom companies told you that you should?

The companies that produce these costumes, these “Satanist for the Day” kits, should be run out of business.

Most of the time, I very much approve of the corporate situation in America. The problem is, though, most of these costumes and the like are not made here. They are mostly made in China by communists. Communists are agents of Satan by their very nature. So, we are purchasing these draperies of the damned from Satan himself. Disgusting.

Stop celebrating Satan-mas, and protect your family.

If you are a parent who reads this blog, you must think yourself a good Christian. If you sent your children out Monday evening to snag candy from the mouth of Beelzebub, then you are a hypocrite of the worst type. Repent. Never send your children to the devil, gift wrapped for his enjoyment, again. Turn your home into a beacon of light on that night of evil. Invite the children in. Teach them the words of Christ. Strip from them their mantles of evil, and send them out again, messengers of Jesus Christ.

Let the Fitzgerald Smear Campaign Begin!

2005-10-27T00:01:00.000-04:00

All I've seen written about Patrick J. Fitzgerald, the special prosecutor handling this Plame investigation is glowing praise about his fairness and meticulous nature. Need I remind my fellow conservatives that this is the man who could bring down Karl Rove and politically damage the president?

The Bible says to let he who is without sin cast the first stone -- well, I guess that means I'll have to be the one to begin this smear campaign against Fitzgerald.

The following picture was sent to me by a source familiar with the investigation, and it shows that Fitzgerald is not quite as impartial as he seems:

Fitzgerald in a bathtub with DNC chairman Howard Dean?!? Talk about a conflict of interest. Absolutely disgraceful!

Targeting Birth Control

2005-10-26T14:00:00.000-04:00

I've never found shopping at Target to be as pleasurable an experience as shopping at Walmart is. Instead of being greeted by hundreds of American flags, I'm instead visually accosted by rows of retina-burning red shopping carts and signs. And since I have little need for a a toilet brush specially designed by Michael Graves I usually choose to avoid this store altogether.

I have seriously changed my opinion of this store though after reading about the brave actions of one Target pharmacist.

A 26-year-old Missouri woman was refused [emergency contraceptive] when she handed her prescription to a pharmacist at a Target store in Fenton, MO, on September 30. The woman was told by the pharmacist, “I won’t fill it. It’s my right not to fill it.”

But aside from having a policy or hiring courageous Christians to fill (or not fill) prescriptions, Target also backs the actions of their righteous pharmacists:

Target consistently ensures that prescriptions for emergency contraception are filled. As an Equal Opportunity Employer, we also are legally required to accommodate our team members' sincerely held religious beliefs as required by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964... Target policy requires our pharmacists to take responsibility for ensuring that the guest's prescription is filled in a timely and respectful manner.

I applaud Target's position on this. They understand that their pharmacists have no professional obligation to do anything that they might find distasteful. No, the only obligation these men have is an obligation to serve the Almighty.

Pharmacists also have a moral obligation to act as an obstacle to any prescription that is an abomination before the Lord. We certainly can't count on the out of control doctors to stop recklessly prescribing birth control (emergency or otherwise). It seems that these pill counters of righteousness are on the front lines of this battle against wickedness and we must do all we can to support these fine men of God.

After hearing this inspirational story, I feel the need to take a trip down to my local Target to show my support. Maybe I'll find a new designer crucifix to hang upon my wall -- maybe something in a lime green with blue accents. Perhaps something a bit more understated, but I guess I'll just decide that when I get there. It's really the least I can do for this fine store. I've misjudged you Target, and for that I am truly sorry.

Say It Ain't So, Grover!

2005-10-24T14:33:00.000-04:00

Gover Norquist has betrayed me and the entire conservative cause. Norquist is of course the president of Americans for Tax Reform, a group that has been very vocal in its opposition of the dreaded death tax and strong proponents of a flat tax. So, basically Norquist is the head of an organization that advocates many of the same economic positions that Jesus Christ himself holds.

And given how much God hates government, don't you think He would have smiled after hearing these words come from Norquist's lips:

I don't want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.

So what did Grover Norquist, a man I used to lovingly refer to as God's accountant, do to betray the conservative cause? He met with a bunch of homos.

A number of conservatives are seething over the fact that Grover Norquist, the president of Americans for Tax Reform (ATR), was the featured speaker at a fund-raising event for a group of homosexual Republicans last weekend. One pro-family leader called Norquist's appearance "an act of utter betrayal."

Norquist was the main attraction at the "Grand Ol' Party," the largest fund-raising event of the year for the Dallas, Tex., chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans, a homosexual advocacy group within the GOP.

I'm clearly not the only Christian conservative leader who's upset over this. In fact, here's what the Family Research Council had to say about this traitorous act:

Grover has spent years working to assemble a coalition of fiscal and social conservatives and his decision to aid those who are trying to destroy the institution of marriage is truly a disappointment and will no doubt split this important coalition.

While Grover is very well versed in God's position on privatization and tax reform, he has clearly forgotten one of Jesus' central teachings -- don't fraternize with homosexuals. I would threaten to drown Grover in his own bathtub but I'm just afraid of what I would find if I kicked down his bathroom door. Would he be in the process of being lathered up by a muscled dark-skinned log cabin Republican named Manuel? Please Grover, tell me I wouldn't.

Halo Tip: Fafblog!

The Criminalization of Christianity

2005-10-21T10:00:00.000-04:00

These really are not the best days to be a conservative. With all the scandal that is surrounding so many high ranking Republican politicians you are no doubt asking yourself how all of this could be happening.

Perhaps you've read Bill Kritsol of the Weekly Standard's theory on all of this:

Why are conservative Republicans, who control the executive and legislative branches of government for the first time in living memory, so vulnerable to the phenomenon of criminalization? ... it's a reasonable bet that the fall of 2005 will be remembered as a time when it became clear that a comprehensive strategy of criminalization had been implemented to inflict defeat on conservatives who seek to govern as conservatives.

This is not just the criminalization of politics though, it goes much deeper than that. This is about the fundamental differences between how liberals and conservatives view the role of law in our society. To a conservative, laws are meant to protect our citizens and promote our shared Christian values. Liberals on the other hand view laws only as a means to advance their twisted secular agenda.

Liberals are usually far more interested in promoting the rights of criminals than protecting the rights of regular citizens like you or me. Why should it matter if homosexuals perform depraved sexual acts on each other? It's their right, isn't it? What about child molesters or murderers -- we certainly can't impose our idea of what's right and wrong on these people, can we? But Democrats have now found a "crime" that's absolutely unpardonable -- being a Christian.

This is the criminalization of Christianity. Democrats are using existing laws as a means to persecute Christians, plain and simple.

If we allow Tom Delay to be found guilty for criminal conspiracy how long before he will be tried for conspiracy to worship the Lord (attending Church)? If Bill Frist is found guilty of insider trading, how long before he is found guilty of trading good deeds and sacrifice for eternal salvation? If Karl Rove and other White House officials are indicted for leaking Valerie Plame's name, how long before they are charged for publically revealing the name of our savior, Jesus Christ?

We must stop this overt criminalization of Christianity lest we find ourselves on the receiving end of legal action just for daring to believe. No, the only "crime" any of these men committed is loving Christ and we must defend these persecuted men of God at any cost.

Oprah Angers Me, Again

2005-10-19T23:00:00.000-04:00

I've never been the biggest fan of Oprah Winfrey or her estrogen filled show. To me, Oprah's a woman who feeds dangerously subversive ideas to millions of suburban housewives. But despite my long displeasure with this woman, my own wife Carol used to watch the show occasionally while I was away at work.

Carol even decided one day to pick up some of those Oprah's book club books to enrich herself or some other such nonesense. Thanks to these reading recommendation, my living room looked like some black lesbian women studies bookstore (I assume such stores are very prevelant on the east coast). Needless to say my wife is no longer permitted to watch Oprah's show.

So you see, Oprah has already done plenty to deserve my ire, but now she has decided to do something absolutely unforgivable. This Thursday she will endorse the gay lifestyle.

She will be interviewing Michigan farmer Ryan Hickmott who took part in the reality TV program "30 days: Straight Man in a Gay World." Here's what Lifesite has to say on the matter:

Ryan Hickmott, from Michigan [spent] 30 days with a gay marketing consultant in San Francisco. The program notably did not address the sexual practices of many homosexuals that are said to often eventually lead to disease and other serious physical and psychological consequences.

What?!? You mean they put a homosexual on TV without a scrolling disclaimer at the bottom of the screen about the reprecussions of sodomy? Given that homsexual intercourse is the cause of all sexually transmitted diseases, this ommission is both irresponsible and reprehensible. How could Oprah have a man on her show that would choose to participate in such a program?

The answer is simple -- Oprah has pushed a strong pro-gay agenda at every turn. Lifesite also cites many times when she's supported homosexuality, including this incident from a couple years ago:

In 2003 Oprah referred to guest Melissa Etheridge as "married" to her lesbian partner Tammy Lynn Michaels even though homosexual 'marriage' is illegal in the United States.

Yes, it's illegal, Oprah. Illegal! I'm not sure if she could be jailed for her statement, but I'm having my lawyer look into it. You have no idea how personally satisfying it would be for me to put Oprah behind bars where she belongs. And while she's in prison thinking about what she did, maybe she could find time to read this week's "Michael Gregory Steele book club" recommendation: the Bible.

A Holy Vision and a New Beginning

2005-10-17T15:14:00.000-04:00

Please forgive me if I ramble a bit; I've been up since 3 o'clock this morning working on redesigning this blog to better please the Lord. While I went to bed last night determined never to blog again, God had different plans for me.

Jesus Christ himself took time out of his busy schedule to visit me in a dream, and he gave me the sign that I had been praying for. He told me that I was special, and that I had a responsibility above all others to preach His word. These were things that I was already well aware of though. This is the same thing Jesus whispers into my ear every time I partake in Holy Communion. "You're special" he'll say as the bread touches my tongue. "Amen," I'll whisper back, "Amen."

But last night he told me something truly amazing -- He spoke to me of what His plans for this blog really are.

Do you accept that the Bible is my divinely inspired word, Michael?
Certainly, Lord, only a moron would think otherwise.
And do you think I haven't had anything new to say for the past 1,500 years?
Of course not, but what does this have to do with me?
Your blog must be a continuation of my word. You cannot stop posting to it, because I have many more lessons to teach to my children. I have much to say on many matters including my abhorrence of homosexuals and the inequity of the current progressive tax system.
I understand, Lord, and I will continue this blog as you command.

I awoke from this holy vision to see that I had scrawled something in a notepad while still asleep. While in this divine trance I had written down God's holy plan for this blog -- a grand plan to redesign and refocus this blog to better serve Him.

This plan includes giving better voice to people like Dr. James Dobson, who speaks for God above all. You see, this blog isn't a merely a repository of divinely inspired opinion pieces, but the start of a spiritual revolution. Do not fear, my faithful followers, this is not the end, but instead it is a new beginning.

The End of This Blog?

2005-10-15T22:20:00.000-04:00

I ask you, what is the point of even having this blog? It seems that our email box is filled with nothing more than vile liberal propaganda. No longer is it people seeking moral guidance from Herman or myself, but godless unbelievers spouting off -- calling us wackos, or bigots, or closed minded members of the American Taliban.

A simple thank you would be a nice change of pace.

Is this what I've become, a punching bag for jobless hippies? Is this blog nothing more than a place for liberals to take out their hatred of God? Just what good have we done for this country anyway? We started this blog in April of 2005, when President Bush's approval rating was sitting at about 48%, and now... well, you've seen the numbers. Americans are even more misguided than when I started.

Homosexuals still walk the streets of our towns unimpeded. There are those in this country that still believe in the unholy principle of "separation of Church and State." There remains no Constitutional Amendment that makes Jesus Christ the official leader of this country. The atheists that control the Democratic Party haven't been run out of Washington by a righteous Christian mob yielding pitchforks and torches. America continues to wallow in sin.

Just what do I have to be proud of exactly? What have I accomplished here?

I think it may be time to cut my losses and shut down Conservatives for American Values permanently. This is something I'll have to talk over with Herman, but more importantly, it's something I'll have to talk over with God. I'll make my final decision on Monday, but my mind is pretty made up to end this.

Your Moral Leader Sinks Into a Depression

2005-10-12T21:02:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be honest with you, readers, I'm depressed. I haven't mentioned politics for almost two weeks and this is no accident. I devoted last week to intelligent design, a subject disconnected from the problems faced by the President and the rest of the Republican Party. Those negative news stories just make me sad.

The posts aren't coming regularly anymore because things have gotten so hard.

To be honest, if I wasn't paid so much to get up and go to work, I would find very little reason to get out of bed. Things are just such a mess in this country.

The Katrina situation has my beloved President spending like a liberal. Public support for Iraq is eroding as Americans turn into sniveling cowards. Indictments for the ridiculous Plame case are said to be forthcoming. Tom Delay has resigned from his leadership post because of an absurd political witch hunt.

Oh Lord, why have you forsaken your political party?

And let's not forget the Harriet Meirs nomination. On second thought, let's forget that one. If I stop to think about it for too long then I'm sure I won't have the energy to finish this post. What did I do to deserve all of this? I have been the perfect Christian, and yet all my dreams for this country are disintegrating before my very eyes. This isn't fair; I just don't deserve to suffer like this.

I'll just have to keep reminding God that I'm one of his favorites and that I don't need to be punished like those sinful liberals. Well, I'm going to go to sleep now. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow. Goodbye.

Liberal Obstructionists

2005-10-10T17:30:00.000-04:00

Note: Today's post is another guest post from my Godly colleague, Robert S. Larkin.

We all know about how the liberals have obstructed progress by blocking Social Security reform, proper terrorist interrogation techniques, the DARPA terrorism futures market and a litany of other sound policies.

Now liberals are once again obstructing sound policy: God's policy.

We all know that God is against premarital and homosexual sex and punishes such behavior with horrible disease. So far, the liberals have been able to do virtually nothing to eliminate these diseases. This is a testament to the omnipotence of our Creator.

However, it now seems that the liberals have a vaccine that prevents infection of the human papilloma virus. This Devil's elixir appears to be 90% effective.

Let me explain why it is particularly heinous that liberals are trying to eradicate this virus. Human papilloma virus (HPV) is the virus that causes genital warts. As we all know, the only people that get genital warts are promiscuous women and homosexuals. Could it be any clearer that this "virus" is God's will?

HPV is a warning from God to change your sinful ways. Those that do change face no more punishment from God, but those who continue to defy God and pursue their vile depraved sex acts are struck down by our Lord. You see, HPV is responsible for 70% of cervical cancer cases.

It becomes even clearer that HPV is God's message when you look at the statistics. 50% of sexually active people have this infection. Clearly the 50% of non-infected sexually active people are married and simply performing their God given duty of procreation.

More telling is the fact that 80% of women will become infected with HPV. Just as God burdened women with menstruation because of Eve's wickedness, he burdens them with HPV.

Now, what percent of people that are abstinent have this affliction? That's correct: 0%. Let's be clear, this is not just a case of liberals obstructing the will of God, this is about recruitment to a life of sin.

Bridget Maher of the Family Research Council has it right when she says:

Giving the HPV vaccine to young women could be potentially harmful, because they may see it as a license to engage in premarital sex.

Let's stop this madness and prevent the liberal sin machine from wrecking our country. Contact your representatives in Congress today!

The Champions of Intelligent Design

2005-10-08T21:10:00.000-04:00

I thought that the best way to conclude this week dedicated to destroying the sacrilegious field of science would be to showcase the heroes in this epic battle for very soul of America. These people are not sinners in white lab coats, but saintly men of God like you and me (well, at least me for certain). These are not men who waste their days in darkened laboratories squinting into microscopes -- no, a microscope is not necessary to read the Bible.

So who are the champions of intelligent design who dare to ask the question, why does God have no place in science?

As previously mentioned there's Philip E. Johnson, who is considered the father of the intelligent design movement and one of the principle advocates of its teaching in our schools. And at the risk of being redundant I would like to again present this quote from him, because it sums up the aim of ID so well:

[C]ultivating ambiguity by employing secular language in arguments which are carefully crafted to avoid overtones of theistic creationism is a necessary first step for ultimately reintroducing the Christian concept of God as the designer.

Another big player in this movement is William Dembski, a senior fellow at the Discovery Institute. He's also the author of Intelligent Design, the Bridge Between Science and Theology which contains the following statement:

Christ is indispensable to any scientific theory, even if its practitioners don't have a clue about him. The pragmatics of a scientific theory can, to be sure, be pursued without recourse to Christ. But the conceptual soundness of the theory can in the end only be located in Christ.

Aside from these evangelical Christians who are attempting to reshape science in the image of Jesus Christ, there are also the usual champions of any conservative Christian cause. Dr. James Dobson's Focus on the Family has a section of their site devoted to ID with the following introduction:

Are we humans the result of meaningless processes that did not have us in mind? Or were we created on purpose—by design? The answer to these questions is key to many public issues debated in our society, including abortion, marriage, sexuality, bioethics, human rights and so on. Yet in most public schools, only one view may be taught: naturalistic evolution...

You see, there is little difference in the views of those who advocate the teaching of intelligent design. Overwhelmingly these supporters are evangelical Protestants -- men of God. These men all want the same ultimate goal: science that centers around Jesus Christ, not Charles Darwin or Isaac Newton.

This debate though is ultimately about trust. Just who do you trust to decide what ideas are to be deemed scientific, a bunch of atheist Nobel laureates, or people who actually know God?

Let me conclude this week by issuing this ultimatum to everyone reading this: either reject traditional science and accept intelligent design or get used to the idea of burning atop Satan's Bunsen burner of unspeakable torment for all eternity.

The Battle Over Intelligent Design

2005-10-06T23:59:00.000-04:00

I've now laid out all the theological details of this great battle of evolution vs. intelligent design, but now I need to talk about the enemy in this religious war. If you still don't agree that ID belong in our schools then I've got some bad news for you -- you're the enemy.

Other enemies of God have recently decided to sue the school district in Dover, PA for requiring the teaching of intelligent design.

The eight families say the district policy promotes the Bible's view of creation, violating the constitutional separation of church and state. But the rural school district of about 3,500 students argues it is not endorsing any religious view and is merely giving ninth-grade biology classes a glimpse of differences over evolution.

But again, fellow conservatives, don't worry as this is without a doubt good old creationism. In fact the following was revealed about the original drafts of the official ID textbook, Of People and Pandas during this trial:

"Devastating" early drafts of a controversial book recommended as reading at a US high school reveal how the word “creationism” had been later swapped for “intelligent design”

Now, I guess I just have a different definition of the word "devastating" than the author of this article. I would personally describe this revelation as fantastic, possibly even delectable, but that's just me. To my followers this should be all the proof needed to show that intelligent design is a perfect way to get God into science class.

So who are the people behind this court challenge in Dover? The answer to this question is the same as the answer to the following: What organization hates God more than any group (excluding the Democratic Party)? That's right, The American Civil Liberties Union.

The ACLU is afraid of letting God into public schools. The ACLU is petrified that with the entire field of science based around the Lord that they'll be left out in the cold. Those atheist scientists with their homosexual safety goggles and unnecessarily phallic test tubes will be the ones being called "unscientific," and the ACLU will have no cases to take on because everyone will be Christian and happy.

This battle over the teaching of intelligent design is the central part of this holy war we've all been waging for years. The ACLU has long perpetuated the myth of separation of Church and State, but we're finally going to fight back. Taking back science is the first step in destroying this myth and creating a more Jesus centered nation. The battle begins here, but the war will wage until we win back this country in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Related sites that fill me with rage:
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Intelligent Falling
Pandamonium

Who Is The Intelligent Designer?

2005-10-05T22:30:00.000-04:00

As I stated in my previous post, intelligent design is the only reasonable way to explain our origins. The idea that everything has been guided by the hand of an intelligent designer is the only rational way to explain anything. But just who is this intelligent designer? Here's what the Intelligent Design and Evolution Awareness Center says on the matter:

Intelligent design theory cannot address the identity or origin of the designer--it is a philosophical / religious question that lies outside the domain of scientific inquiry.

You are probably furious reading this response. "I thought ID was supposed to be covert creationism, a way to bring God into the classroom," you are undoubtedly saying to yourself. "If ID doesn't talk about God than it is as useless as evolution."

I assured you that ID was an idea that pleased the Lord, so I'm more than a little angry that you would doubt me on this, but allow me to further reassure you anyway.

Phillip E. Johnson, considered by many to be the founder of the intelligent design movement, has this to say about the intelligent designer:

[C]ultivating ambiguity by employing secular language in arguments which are carefully crafted to avoid overtones of theistic creationism is a necessary first step for ultimately reintroducing the Christian concept of God as the designer.

Bingo, we've just solved the mystery! The intelligent designer is none other than the Christian God we all know and love. This is so brilliant I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not the one who conceived of the idea. I can think of no better way to bring God back into science class than to first change the science curriculum so it centers around this ambiguous sounding intelligent designer.

Then when the time is right, the teachers can reveal to their students the true identity of the designer. Of course the children will want to know who this mysterious being who has created and guided the development of all life is. "Who is this enigmatic deity that is the answer to all previously challenging questions of science," they will ask.

The teacher can then point to a picture on the wall covered by velvet cloth. The students will be on the edge of their seats at this point. Then the instructor will pull the cloth away to reveal the designer's true identity. These children will see that he is none other than God the Almighty. It would probably be a good idea that He be standing with an arm around Jesus, just to make it clear that this is the Christian God and not simply the God of Jewish tradition.

The children will then fall to their knees and praise the intelligent designer. Even the most hardened atheist will at long last know the sweet embrace of our Lord and will weep. Everyone in that classroom will know His love. There will be no more school shootings. There will be no more teen pregnancy. There will be no more godless science. All of this will come to pass, and all because of God -- or should I say, all because of the intelligent designer.

How Intelligent Is Intelligent Design?

2005-10-04T21:00:00.000-04:00

You've no doubt heard the rumbling of controversy about the teaching of intelligent design in our schools. ID is an idea that has received the endorsements of such venerable politicians as Senator Rick Santorum and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. In fact, even President Bush supports the teaching of ID:

I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes.

So clearly intelligent design has some high level supporters, but just how intelligent is intelligent design? The short answer: absolutely brilliant.

But in order to understand the true genius of intelligent design, we must first answer the question of what exactly this ground breaking idea is. According to the Discovery Institute, a Conservative Christian think tank, intelligent design is defined as such:

The scientific theory of intelligent design holds that certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection. Intelligent design theory then is an alternative solution to answer problems with Darwinian evolution.

This definition brings us to one of the more indispensable parts of ID -- the disqualification of evolution. Much of what is written about ID deals with pointing out the flaws of evolution and discrediting it as an explanation for the origin of life. Ideally we would simply replace evolution with creationism and rest well knowing that the souls of our children are safe, but unfortunately we are not fighting this war on our own terms.

And as long as we limited by the current idea of what is considered scientific, creationism will continue to be scoffed at. The true brilliance of intelligent design is not that it is creationism explained in a vaguely scientific manner, but that it is a theory that will usher in a new brand of science.

Here's how the Intelligent Design and Evolution Awareness Center put it when talking about evolution:

Naturalistic explanations are those which assume that there were no forces involved in the history of life other than matter, energy, and the chemical and physical laws governing their interactions. Naturalistic explanations assume that there were no intelligent agents which could have influenced life in the past.

And therein lies the problem with secular science, they're missing an essential part of the equation: the intelligent designer. This leads to the central precept of this new science: if any part of a scientific theory is in question then the entire theory is invalid and must be explained in terms of the intelligent designer.

But is this new version of science more pleasing to the Lord? And who is this mysterious intelligent designer that created us all and serves as an explanation for all natural occurrences? I'll answer these questions and reveal the secret identity of the intelligent designer tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Science Is a Sham Week

2005-10-03T22:15:00.000-04:00

I was originally going to title this post "Biology Is Bogus," and devote it to discrediting evolution and the entire field of biology. But I soon realized that this is simply not enough. No, it's not just biology that's an abomination, but science in general. And it's now clear that I will need more than a day to cut through the convoluted web of lies that godless scientists have weaved.

In fact, I shall devote a week to dispelling the myths and encouraging a return to the original science textbook of choice: The Bible. I do this because it is important that our children understand that the only reliable source of truth is the Good Book. Our children are having science shoved down their throats by godless educators. These teachers are more concerned with claiming another soul for the Democratic Party than the spiritual well being of our children. This must end now!

Science is, and always has been, a tool of atheists that is used to construct a reality that runs counter to the accounts of the Bible.

I mean, don't you find it a little convenient that the so-called "scientific method" would allow godless scientists to perform countless experiments that seem to support the basic idea of evolution? You call this "verifiable data" proof? I call this a heinous conspiracy to turn people away from God.

You see, to a scientist 1 + 1 = 2, but we all know that 1 + 1 = whatever God tells us it is. Maybe it's 2, perhaps 3, but ultimately that's for the Almighty to decide.

It's very clear what needs done here, we need to de-secularize science for the sake of our children. I would love nothing more than to walk into a biology class and see every student in that class with their nose in the Bible. These children could learn about Adam and Eve and that sinister talking snake, not a bunch of nonsense about idiotic finches and lame voiceless turtles. But for now this will have to remain a dream. But it doesn't have to end here. To see how can put God back in the classroom and take the sin out of science, join me for Science is a Sham Week.

Get A Clue, Liberals!

2005-09-29T16:05:00.000-04:00

When I think about the liberals of this country I'm reminded of a former acquaintance of mine, Charles Bradford. Now, Charles is by no means a liberal himself; he's actually a life long Republican. No, the reason that Charles is like any American liberal is because he cannot take a hint.

Let me explain.

I ran into this man several weeks ago and he proceeded to engage me in small talk. I find such idle chit-chat completely insufferable, so you can understand my annoyance with this. I have no interest in talking to some dullard about his improved golf game or anything else in his uninteresting and mediocre life. Despite my subtle hints that I wanted to end our conversation, Charles just kept yammering on, "My kid is doing great in soccer this year. Scored two goals last game. Blah Blah Blah."

After I couldn't stand this torturous conversation any longer I simply said, "I don't care!" and walked away. And do you know what Charlie "oblivious moron" Bradford did? That idiot laughed and started following me. He thought I was joking! It was only after I grabbed him by the shoulders, looked him right in the eyes and said, "You are the most boring man I have ever met in my life, and if you ever talk to me again you'll need a new cell phone and the name of a good proctologist!" He finally got the hint after I explained to him that the implication was that I would forcibly insert his cell phone into his rectum.

And you know what? You liberals are just as clueless as Charles.

To see why, you need to look no further than what Alabama state senator Hank Erwin (R) said about the recent hurricanes (~~hat~~ halo tip: Blue Gal)

"New Orleans and the Mississippi Gulf Coast have always been known for gambling, sin and wickedness. It is the kind of behavior that ultimately brings the judgment of God."

God has sent two -- count them TWO -- hurricanes to let you know he is angered with your godless ways, liberals. I really don't think he could be any clearer about his displeasure with you. You've been given an undeniable sign that the Lord wants you to cease your immoral behavior and what do you do? You simply continue enabling homosexuality, gambling, and general wickedness by supporting the Democrats. For the last time, STOP IT!

I thought His message was pretty clear. But apparently two devastating hurricanes is much too subtle for most liberals. Well, my advice to all of you liberal dolts is to ask around for the name of a good proctologist. Why? Because the Lord is going to get through to you idiots one way or another.

Battle Stations!

2005-09-27T12:21:00.000-04:00

We devoted all of last week to one of my favorite people, Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania. As you all know, Rick Santorum is a holy and good man. However, there is a problem.

The midterm elections are crucial to our survival.

Conservatives need to realize that the upcoming elections are more than just your average midterm contest. It is vital to protect our finest senator. This message is especially important to residents of my home state, Pennsylvania. Robert Casey, the most likely Democratic challenger, is an evil and immoral man.

Make sure that you have read Mr. Steele’s comments on this matter, and understand his tactic.

Of course, I fully agree with what my esteemed colleague has postulated as a plan. I feel the need, however, to reinforce this message. We are, for all intents and purposes, at war with the liberals of this nation.

Think of Rick Santorum as a fortress of God in a sea of evil.

We must defend our fortress. If Fort Rick falls, the others will be in grave danger. The forces of evil only need six seats to take control of the Senate. If this happens, we may well be doomed. Terrorist attacks, Abortions-in-a-box, and more natural disasters will follow.

Of course, this is not just an issue in Pennsylvania. There are other fortresses on our defensive line.

Senator Mike DeWine of Ohio is under siege, and our troops in that state are disorganized at the moment. Get it together, Soldiers of God. Senator Conrad Burns of Montana is in need of reinforcement. Senator Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island is in trouble also. Stop being wishy-washy, Chafee. You are a Republican, now act like one.

Each and every one of you has a role to play.

Folks, this is combat. It may not involve tanks and guns and planes, but make no mistake: You are fighting for your very lives. The Conservative Christians of each and every state need to organize. This may be our most important battle since Concord. We, the Minutemen of God, must stand behind our Senatorial fortresses in this coming conflict. We can win. We must win.

We have powerful allies in this struggle, and I will take this time to thank them.

I would like to thank Boeing, Cardinal Health, Eli Lilly & Company, Bank of America, MBNA Corporation, RJ Reynolds, Home Depot, Smith Klein Beecham, Yahoo!, and the American Health Care Association for their contributions to our war chest. Follow the leads of these great American businesses, support your soldiers of conservatism.

You have your orders, you know the plan. Dismissed.

Herman Responds

2005-09-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

First, let me thank you liberals for all your responses to the questions I asked you last month.

Your insightful responses have served to remind me of exactly why you are all going to hell.

I have chosen my favorite answer to each question. This is usually the retort that made me the most sick to my stomach. Enough with the preamble, however, let us dissect these responses.

1. Why are liberals so blind to political reality?
I will not use the names of the actual liberals that responded, as I fear for their safety. I will also refrain from most direct quotes, this blog does have a level of intelligence that we must maintain. We will call this respondent “Dolt”. Dolt postulates in his response that liberals do in fact see political reality, and that the American people will soon realize what the Republican party is doing to them. I, personally, can only assume that the American people have already seen what the Republican party is doing to them. That is why we won so overwhelmingly in the last election. Good, God-fearing Americans already know the score. Republicans –everything. Democrats- last dying wheezes.

2. Why must liberals be so keen on tolerating everyone?
“Foolish Heathen” replies that liberals tolerate everyone because that is the human and decent thing to do, besides, is that not how God would want things done? My thoughts? Liberals are idiots. God is a wrathful God, remember? There is a lot of smiting going on in the Holy Bible. God did not tolerate those who did not fit his mold, and neither should we.

3. Why do you feel that spreading democracy should not involve force?
“Miasmic Hippie” says that democracy will spread through peace and love and laughter, man, like a comforting blanket of dew over a field, you dig, man? No, I do not dig, man. I have laborers to do that for me. Democracy has never come about without bloodshed, and it never will. If you want to be free, you have to kill people. There really is no other way.

4. Why can’t more liberals go out and get a damn job?
“Welfare Warrior” believes that there are not enough good paying jobs out there. What? I have one. Everyone I know has one. Why can’t you get one. Simply put, you are lazy. It does not matter if a job does not pay enough to support you and your family. If you need to, get more than one job. Just stop crying to me about it. Now go flip some burgers for me, and I expect to see you putting gas in my SUV later today. Crybabies.

5. Why do you hate God?
“Satan’s Handwarmer” tried to convince me that most Luciferious-liberals do not hate God. Please, Liberals, I am not stupid. I know that you hate God. You enjoy killing unborn babies, and you think that killing people in prisons is wrong. You are against two of the major principals of God: an eye for an eye, and thou shalt not kill. If you mock two of the easiest to understand parts of being a Christian, how can you claim not to hate God? God knows how you feel, and your day of reckoning will come.

So there we have it, readers, the answers we were all waiting to hear. Now we have a small glimpse into the minds of the godless, the lazy, and the evil. Liberals will not be able to destroy this country and our way of life, unless we let them. We cannot let them. We must understand how they think (it helps if you have a fever), and keep them at bay.

Rick Santorum, Political Fighter

2005-09-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

After a week of us extolling the many virtues of Rick Santorum, you're probably now saying to yourself, "Rick Santorum has done so much for me, what can I do to help him?" Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, the man who has carried so many of our hopes and dreams upon his broad muscular shoulders now needs our help more than ever.

For you see, the senator is up for reelection in 2006, and let's just say that things look bleak for the holiest man in the Senate.

Current polls show that Santorum is trailing his biggest Democratic challenger, Bob Casey, 49–35. But there's some seemingly good news on the fundraising front:

Santorum has said he expects to raise $25 million for the campaign. Between April and June, he raised $3.6 million and reported $5.7 million cash on hand. Casey reported raising $1.9 million in the period, and had $1.6 million cash on hand.

So Santorum has raised more money than Casey in this campaign. This is a good thing, right? Wrong!

Let me explain something to you something about political races and how the media covers them. Reporters aren't really interested in reporting about the particular positions of the candidates. That's boring. It's not about debating the merits of policy, but about creating a captivating storyline to help sell newspapers. With the way things stand, a story is starting to unfold in this campaign -- it's Casey the scrappy underdog vs. Santorum the powerful incumbent. It's a classic David and Goliath story only this time Goliath is the good guy.

All of this brings me to how you, as a Santorum supporter, can help. The only way to get Pennsylvanians to start routing for Santorum again is to make sure that Casey raises more money. When this happens, Santorum will be recast as the tenacious underdog fighting for his political life. Just when you thought Rick was down for the count, he stages a miraculous comeback. He's on the ropes, and he's taking a pummeling, but wait what's this... Santorum, the man who everyone counted out, wins the election.

So if you care about Santorum at all, you'll go to Bob Casey's site and contribute what you can to his campaign. It's exactly how every single Rocky movie has played out, and it's exactly how this election will be won. Help send Rick Santorum, the other Italian stallion, back to the Senate in 2006 by donating generously to Bob Casey's campaign.

Rick Santorum, Family Man

2005-09-22T17:19:00.000-04:00

I am going to cut straight to the point; family men don't wear skirts and women need to stay at home with the kids. Women have no place going to work and leaving their children to be raised by dolts who could not find better jobs.

Rick Santorum hit the nail right on the head, again.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading Rick Santorum’s thoughts on the present state of American families, as presented in his latest book. He presented so many great points that it is difficult to pick just one to write about today, but I am going to focus on the family. Here are some of my personal thoughts:

Feminism is a poison, and it is killing our children and families.

Every woman is born with a job. That job is to grow up chaste, find a husband, and have children. Now, some women think that they need to find a career. Why? Making money is the job of men. Making children is the job of women.

No college education is needed to have children. The uterus does not need a degree.

Imagine, if you will, a world where women were simply content to do the job that God had assigned to them. Our children would be properly raised, crime would fall, and workplace output would increase without the constant catty gossip. We would be one step closer to the utopia that God intended for us. The amount of available college aid for men would double. How could there be a downside to this?

"Sadly the propaganda campaign launched in the 1960s has taken root... The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness.”

In these insightful words, Rick Santorum succinctly summarizes one of the major problems with our country today. Feminism, past and present, is nothing but a satanic plot to destroy us. How could there be anything more rewarding than raising good and Godly children? Is there not a sense of accomplishment in providing your husband with a hot and delicious meal upon his arrival home from a hard day’s work? Would slippers, a brandy, and the newspaper be too much to ask? Donna Reed never emailed anyone with a Blackberry, she baked them into pies.

Besides, any man who cannot provide for his family while his wife does her job is not a man in my book, or God’s.

Men, it is time to stand up and do your jobs. How could you have let women get this foolish notion into their heads? Stop being lazy, and provide for your family. There is no reason whatsoever that you cannot provide all the income that your family needs. The Republican Party has provided you with the jobs, now get to work.

It is time to restore the natural balance, for all of our sakes.

The time has come to stop letting the television raise our children. It would be nice if they would watch nothing but Fox News, but that does not seem to be a viable solution. Women need to return to what God intended them to do, taking care of our children and homes. Men, you need to stop letting women do your work for you. You have grown soft and lazy, and the country is suffering for it. To conclude:

Gentlemen, there is work to be done. Ladies, it is time to get out of the office, and into the kitchen. Your husband will be home soon, and he is probably hungry.

Rick Santorum, Man's Man

2005-09-21T20:39:00.000-04:00

I would be remiss if I didn't talk about one of the greatest contributions Rick Santorum has made to this country -- providing a true role model of masculinity. In a society that has been utterly queerified, Santorum's macho existence is truly a rebellious act against the liberal gay culture. Rick Santorum is a real man's man.

Rick Santorum affirms the traditional notion of what a man should be by railing against homosexuals and their attempt to metrosexualize red blooded Americans completely out of existence. He is truly at the forefront of the anti-gay thought in this country. In fact one of his greatest contributions to political discourse is the brilliant homosexual marriage to bestiality connection.

We've all heard Senator Cornyn's words on this matter:

It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. . . . Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife

And then there's the recent quote by Bill O'Reilly:

The secular progressive movement would like to have marriage abolished, in my opinion. They don't want it, because it is not diverse enough. You know, that's what this gay marriage thing is all about. But now, you know, the poly-amorphous marriage, whatever they call it, you can marry 18 people, you can marry a duck..

But these two quotes are merely pale imitations of words spoken by perhaps the straightest man this world has ever seen, Rick Santorum:

In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.

Just think without Rick's original statement we would be deprived of "homosexual sex is like man on [insert animal] sex" statements. It's hard to imagine what the marriage debate would look like without the contributions of Rick Santorum.

You've given us all so much, Senator Santorum. We all admire your upstanding character, your moral genius, but most of all we simply appreciate having a Senator that isn't afraid to proudly display his supreme virility. I salute you, Senator Santorum -- one man's man to another.

Rick Santorum, Fighting Against Liberalism

2005-09-20T17:00:00.000-04:00

If there's one person who understands the threat that liberalism poses, it's Rick Santorum. I've previously written about his understanding of the dark influence of liberalism, but I think his sage words on the Catholic Church molestation scandal bear repeating:

"When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."

Liberalism weakens this country, liberalism breaks up families, and liberalism causes priests to molest alter boys. In order to fight liberalism you have to understand all of this. There is no greater warrior for social conservatism than Rick Santorum. But you've heard me say all of this before, so allow me to expand upon this idea and draw a little from Santorum's seminal book, It Takes a Family.

From reading his book, you get a little more insight into what turned a naive Pennsylvanian into the warrior against liberalism we all know and love:

"It wasn't until recently that I discovered that one of my fundamental beliefs about American politics was wrong. You see, I always believed -- and publicly stated -- that conservatives and liberals had the same vision of America... I don't believe that anymore... The liberal vision of America-the-beautiful is different from mine and, more importantly, different from that of most Americans." (It Takes a Family, p. 13)

No kidding, Rick. I mean, I understand genius does not happen overnight, but thinking that liberals want what is best for this country is beyond stupid. It's clear that Santorum has come a long way in his understanding of the enemy. I shudder to think what he would have been like had the Lord not shown Rick the error of his ways. Think of it, Rick Santorum with a respect for the opposing side, a man who would potentially compromise with these liberal fiends who want to tear apart the very fabric of our society. Thank goodness, Rick now understands the true nature of the dark influence of liberal thought.

In his book he further defines what the dark liberal influence is, and categorizes the corrupting liberal institutions as Bigs:

"Who are these big, powerful forces upon which so many rely to shape our economy, culture, society, values, and learning? They are what I call the "Bigs" -- big news media, big entertainment, big universities and public schools, some big businesses, and some big national labor unions, and of course the biggest Big of all, the federal government."(It Takes a Family, p. 6)

These Bigs are run by sinister liberals that Santorum classifies as village elders. But aside from tying to ensure that nobody is allowed to worship Jesus, these elders also try and actively destroy the "lesser" institutions that would get in the way of their idea of "equality and liberty," as Santorum explains:

"And what are these problem-creating associations that liberals believe harm people? They are the 'Littles': local government, civic and fraternal associations, clubs, small businesses, neighborhoods, local school districts, church and church ministries -- and of course... the iconoclastic traditional family. Liberal ideology promises a utopia of freedom and equality, if only the Littles can be engineered out of existence." (It Takes a Family, p. 7)

Santorum clearly knows the score (even if he doesn't know what iconoclastic means). Liberals want to eliminate everything good about this country and especially the traditional family. If only the churches, small businesses and the rest of the Littles can be eliminated, liberals could be free to persecute Christians, corrupt our children, and participate in their homosexual orgies. Not on Rick Santorum's watch!

Rick Santorum is not only on the front lines fighting liberalism, but he articulates the liberal threat in a way nobody before him could. Without Santorum, you wouldn't have the sophisticated language to explain what liberalism is really about: The village elders of the Bigs are trying to destroy the Littles. Brilliant!

Now, allow me to leave you with some parting words of wisdom from Santorum's book: "Liberalism is an ideology; Conservatism is common sense." Indeed it is, Rick, indeed it is.

National Santorum Awareness Week

2005-09-19T16:45:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make, dear readers; last week has found me less than pleased with President Bush. I along with countless other conservatives defended his response to Katrina only to have him ultimately accept responsibility. He made us all look like a bunch of fools. But I'm not going to sit here and write some scathing post about him. No, I'll leave that task to the unemployed hippies that always blame Bush for things they should blame themselves for. I know I can't stay mad at Bush for long, and I don't want to say something in the heat of the moment that I'll later regret. So, I've decided to instead focus on a man who is an inspiration to every true American.

I wanted to spend this week talking about the one man who has never disappointed me and has never wavered from the righteous cause of social conservatism. I am of course talking about a man that loves the unborn and despises homosexuals almost as much as Jesus himself did. A man of unmatched character and conviction, Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum.

You know, we have so many months and weeks devoted to "cultural awareness" (Black History Month), and diseases or conditions that I don't care about (September is after all National Menopause Awareness Month). You'd think with all this nonsense that we could spare just one week on the calendar for Santorum.

So I will personally devote this, the third full week of September, to talking about Rick and his philosophy. I will discuss sections of his book (It Takes a Family) and talk about his upcoming election. I can think of nobody more deserving of this honor, and people need to be made aware of the intellectual and spiritual greatness of Rick. It will also give everyone the opportunity to ask themselves the question: "Do I measure up to high standards set by Rick Santorum?" I know I do, but I'm not so sure about you.

So, in honor of Rick's undeniable greatness, I hereby declare this week to be National Santorum Awareness Week.

But wait, I can already hear grumblings from the idiot liberals reading this. "You don't have the authority to claim this week for Santorum," these dreadlocked fools cry out in their whiney obnoxious voices. Only people that hate Rick Santorum would object to dedicating this week to him. These people are homosexuals, single mothers, and abortionists -- hardly the kinds of people I would accept criticism from.

Tell everyone you know, because people need to be made aware of Santorum's greatness. This is National Santorum Awareness Week!

Opportunity and Hope

2005-09-14T22:42:00.000-04:00

I am going to get right to the point, readers. It is not often that we are given an opportunity like Hurricane Katrina. I know, all of you idiot liberals out there are shocked and outraged at this. Mind you, no one around you will notice, since you are always shocked and outraged about one silly little thing or another. While you are awash in your indignant ire, though, consider this:

When God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, did he elect to save the “historic districts”? No, he did not.

Folks, when God has had enough, he speaks loudly on the topic. We have been given a chance to rebuild this city, and this cannot be a city built on rock and roll. (Or any other sin, for that matter.) Right now is our chance to build a City of God, right here at home. One problem comes immediately to mind, though: You cannot build a City of God below sea level. That would be idiocy.

New Orleans must be raised to a minimum of three hundred feet above sea level, one hundred feet for each member of the Holy Trinity.

There needs to be a church on every block, no bars, and all the theaters should show nothing but The Passion of the Christ. God would look well upon this. I will leave the details to the great theologians of our time.

What about the non-Christians, and all the people who were in housing projects?

They will just have to live in less holy cities. There is not really much that can be done on that matter. These are people who were not well tolerated by God. Remember, we are talking about people who were not working hard enough to put sufficient money into the church collection plates. Think of God like a Holy Landlord:

When God tacks an eviction notice on your door, there is no judge to appeal to. It means he wants new tenants. There is nothing to be done.

In closing, the mission is clear. Rebuild New Orleans, and let us do it right this time.

Murder by Mass Media

2005-09-14T13:24:00.000-04:00

It is good to be back, readers, after another of my missions. I am not going to relate the fascinating details of my travels to you in this post, however. I have a more important topic to discuss today.

The liberal media is responsible for many of the deaths in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.

Go ahead, you godless left-wingers, shake your heads and mutter to yourselves. Get it out of your system. The liberal media, such as CNN, MSNBC, and the like, are responsible for many of the problems in the Gulf-Coast region right now.

I was in Florida when Katrina hit there, and the response from FEMA was perfect.

There were helicopters and rescuers and food and shelter galore. Everything was perfectly orchestrated by the now outgoing head of FEMA, Mike Brown. Things were flowing like a horse race, if you will pardon the analogy. I have no doubt that the same was the case in New Orleans.

Remember, everyone, whoever controls the media controls reality.

This is a harsh truth, but you need to accept it. The media, most of it liberal, told us that the response was inadequate, late coming, and to quote one Jewish-liberal ass “retarded”. Give me a break. Our government, and especially our President, responded in the best way possible. No one can fault Mr. Bush for sticking to his other plans for three days after the disaster struck. What did you expect him to do, row in and save people himself?

Chances are that the local airports were too clogged with media helicopters to be able to function as emergency aide hubs anyhow. Anderson Cooper needs to have his aerial shots, even if everyone at the Superdome is starving.

Certain idiot pundits, namely all of them, also claimed Mr. Chertoff should have known about the 20,000 people in the New Orleans convention center. How in the world was he supposed to know about this? Do you think that he had any friends or relatives staying there? The news media claimed that their coverage of the suffering at the convention center should have been enough to make the Director of Homeland Security aware of the problem. Do you really think that he was sitting there watching TV during all this? No! He was plucking people off of rooftops himself, I am sure of it. There is a time for press conferences, and a time for action, and our leadership knows the difference.

According to the liberal media, in the event of a natural disaster FEMA officials and President Bush were to sit down together and watch reruns of Emergency.

We must trust our government. They are working for the best interests of the common folk, the working class, the minorities, and those who are amongst the abject poor. Our government would not leave them for days without food, without water, and without hope.
I do not care what the media says, our government did a wonderful job of rescuing those citizens of New Orleans that chose to ignore the evacuation order.

Since they chose to stay, I guess they should consider themselves lucky that it did not take days and days to get them out. Well, readers, that is about enough for one day. I am tired, and I need my rest. Just remember to get your news from us, and shun the hurricane of liberal media.

Arnold's Comeback

2005-09-09T03:28:00.000-04:00

It was truly something to behold when California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ran in the 2003 recall election. He won the hearts of voters and got himself elected on a platform of fiscal conservatism and movie catchphrases. Jay Leno's audience cheered as Arnold directed an "hasta la vista, baby" at embattled former govenor Gray Davis. The rest, as they say, is history.

Well, there isn't much applause for the Republican govenor these days. With an approval rating at about 36%, he's in serious need of a bump. In an effort to appeal to social conservatives like myself, Arnold has promised to veto a gay marriage bill that was passed by the state legislature.

He said that allowing this bill to pass would conflict with the will of the people. He's right too, because California passed a voter initiative 5 years ago that prevents California from recognizing gay marriages from other states or countries. I ask you, is it better to allow elected officials to make these decisions or should such weighty matters be determined by the ability of Christian groups to mobilize voters for an initiative. It is certainly the later.

But Arnold needs to do more than please Christian Conservatives to keep his job. So I offer to him the following catchphrases that he can use when talking about his principled veto. Hopefully he will be able win over the hearts of the voters once again.

Sorry, homosexuals, but you've just been Godomized!
I like my fights mano a mano and my marriages man sans man.
Queer the way for Governor Arnold, homo destroyer.
I've been sent from the future to protect marriage.
Don't be such a girlie man... or at very least don't attempt to marry another girlie man.
If it breeds we can marry it.
You homos need to spend more time "pumping up" and less time "pumping guys in the butt."

I truly hope Gov. Schwarzenegger sees fit to use one of my catchphrases. I am very heartened to see this self-described moderate trying to put himself on the path of righteousness. I just hope he follows my sage advice. If he follows up this veto with the right catchphrase, this could be the political comeback Arnold has been looking for.

Now Is The Time To Blame

2005-09-08T20:40:00.000-04:00

Many conservatives have warned all of us, and especially the press, not to play the "blame game," when talking about the delayed response to Hurricane Katrina. Trying to cast blame is certainly not appropriate when those who could potentially be blamed might be destracted from their work. Well, with rescue efforts well under way, and with FEMA finally getting the opportunity to do their job, it's now time to blame.

I'm sure many of you have read newspapers and articles trying to understand who is responsible for the inept response to humanitarian crisis on the Gulf Coast. Who was supposed to do what and who didn't do their job? What's the chain of command, and who answers to who? There's no need to make things so complicated though; I'll explain everything.

You see, FEMA, or the Federal Emergency Management Agency is responsible at the federal level for coordinating disaster relief and recovery. But who does FEMA report to? Well, the FEMA director used to be a cabinet level official who answered directly to the President, but not anymore. President Bush wisely downgraded this organization to be included in the Department of Homeland Security after 9/11. He figured this was as good a time as any to try and wean the country off the teat of big government.

So FEMA's current director, Mike Brown, does not ultimately answer to the President even if he was appointed by him. In fact Brown has to run everything past one man and one man only: New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. In the days leading up to the tragedy, the infinitely qualified Brown worked furiously to get ready for the relief efforts. But until he got the final go ahead from Nagin, all his tireless work was for naught. Brown frantically tried to get in touch with the mayor -- begging and pleading with his staff -- but to no avail. The mayor simply refused to return his calls. Nagin's excuse for not doing his job: cocaine binge.

Panicked, Brown finally called President Bush who ended his vacation early to take charge of the situation. We know that this was not a failure of government on all levels, because that's not how the blame game is played. When you play the blame game you must find one person to point the finger at and assign culpability. That's pretty much the only rule when playing the blame game. For those of you who might be playing at home, I'll give you a hint: the person who is responsible for FEMA and who spent most of last week on a hotel room floor is the one to blame. Shame, Ray Nagin, shame on you!

Now Is Not The Time To Blame

2005-09-07T19:30:00.000-04:00

I just want to echo a sentiment expressed by White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan in his press briefing yesterday: Now is not the time to place blame. You could not be more right, Scott. I'm personally willing to put partisan politics aside and not blame New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin for failing to evacuate his city. I won't say a word about him.

I also think it's an inappropriate time to question whether Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco should shoulder all or just most of the blame for the delayed response to Hurricane Katrina. People still need to be saved here, so we'll have to wait until her trial to get the answer to that.

Now liberals are predictably crying for the head of President Bush for waiting days to act. You just don't get it, you worthless hippies, do you? Do you understand that every time you criticize the federal response to this tragedy that Bush has to do even more political damage control? He has to visit some aid workers and interrupt their life-saving work to shake some hands. He has to borrow some firefighters to survey the damage and comfort the victims. He doesn't want to do this, but you liberals have forced his hand. Your idiocy is killing hundreds of people, you malodorous malcontents.

Don't worry though, my conservative brethren, there will be a time to blame all the local officials responsible for this mess later. Let's just work on getting the job done and not second guessing who's responsible at the local level. I'm sure there are a couple cells at Gitmo for some incompetent officials to stay in... but now is just not the time for that.

My Pet Goat II? I Think Not!

2005-09-06T16:00:00.000-04:00

One of the most allegedly "damning" parts of Michael Moore's thoroughly un-American movie Fahrenheit 9/11 is the scene of President Bush reading My Pet Goat to a classroom full of school children. It was during this time that the President was informed about the horrific terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. He didn't jump to his feet or make a commotion, he just sat there for several minutes. Apparently this scene is supposed to prove Bush's lack of natural leadership in the face of a national crisis. Sorry, Michael Moore, you slovenly liberal idiot, you didn't prove anything.

We now know the reason that Bush didn't throw My Pet Goat to the floor and rush out the door, knocking down several children in the process. He did not want to scare the children. This is part of being a leader; you need to ensure everyone else remains calm during a crisis.

Well, those same liberals idiots are at it again. The picture shown above is one of Bush playing a guitar given to him by country star Mark Wills. He strummed this guitar while countless people were dying from the effects of Hurricane Katrina. Liberals cynically see this image as undeniable evidence of President Bush's inept leadership and callous indifference. These liberals say that it's like Nero playing his fiddle while Rome was burning-- They also call this picture "My Pet Goat part II." I think not!

This is what leadership looks like, people. And if there's one thing I know about Mark Wills, it's that he's easily frightened. How do you think Wills would have reacted if Bush suddenly dropped his guitar and rushed to assemble the Nation Guard or to ensure that FEMA was making proper progress in their relief planning? Mark Wills would have no doubt soiled himself on the spot. What would we as a nation have done if he had rushed off that stage? We would have all panicked, that's what.

I wasn't scared or worried at all, so President Bush clearly did his job. He ensured that the nation remained calm. This is what true leadership looks like.

Hurricane Katrina, a Biblical Perspective

2005-09-05T11:45:00.000-04:00

We are all undoubtedly shocked by the catastrophic loss of human life that has come from Hurricane Katrina. Often when an event so incomprehensibly tragic occurs, we seek a religious explanation. Why did this happen and what is God trying to tell us? The answer to this should be quite clear to anyone who has read any of the Old Testament -- God is punishing us for something.

This answer naturally leads to another question -- Why is God so unbelievably angry? I will explore some possible reasons below.

1. The War in Iraq
Perhaps the Almighty is angered by the war in Iraq. Maybe it is the continued bloodshed in the streets of Baghdad that causes Him to shake with fury. Certainly the Lord, as omniscient as he is, has read the most recent draft of the Iraqi constitution. We all know He is not a big fan of religious competition so perhaps he is less than pleased with it. I can think of little that would perturb the Lord more than us helping to establish a nation based on Islamic fundamentalism instead of Christianity. "One Nation Strictly Under Allah" doesn't seem to mesh well with "Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me."

This reason would make sense except for one tiny fact; the last time I checked God fully supports the War on Terror. Since there's no doubt Iraq is a critical part of the War on Terror, let's move on to the next possibility.

2. The Plight of the Poor
There seems to be a lot in the Bible about helping the poor. Maybe you've run across verses like this while leafing through the Good Book:

If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any of the towns of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, nor close your hand to your poor brother; but you shall freely open your hand to him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks. (Deut 15:7)

Clearly we must ensure that the poor are cared for in this country. What does this entail though? financial assistance? healthcare? job training? Absolutely not, you socialist idiot! If there's one thing that upsets Jesus more than those who won't help the poor it's those who don't believe in the absolute sanctity of a free market economy.

Anyway, you should remember the following:
Blessed are you who are poor, for yours in the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20-21)

If you help the poor too much then they will have to forfeit the kingdom of God -- that and they'll end up becoming complacent and lazy. So I can say with great certainty that the Lord Almighty is pleased with the tough love of compassionate conservatism. So there remains but one more reason that God could have been angry enough to send Hurricane Katrina.

3. Homosexuality
I've got a good feeling about this one, because if God is anything like me (and we all know He is), then He is constantly enraged thinking about the very existence of homosexuals. Of course New Orleans with its sinfully gay "Southern Decadence" celebration would have made God less than pleased. God's rationale could not be clearer. This flooding of New Orleans that will lead to the deaths of tens of thousands of people is a clear message to the homogays of America: Stop being so gay!

My advice to all you godless homosexuals out there is this: remit, repent, and register (as a Republican) and maybe the Lord won't see fit to destroy another city because of your iniquitous behavior.