by Herman B. HayesSantorum is simply crushing his Satanist opponent, Bobby Casey, in the polls. This election is in the bag, folks!
Certain liberal polls, such as those from Zogby, Pew, and Quinnipiac, have Casey in the lead. However, I am sure you have learned by now you simply cannot trust anyone but us, and possibly Fox News, for your political and spiritual information.
We are proud to introduce to you the Conservatives for American Values “Honest-to-God” Poll TM. Now you can get a real look at the issues, from someone you trust.
This week’s poll compares Bobby “Kitten Rapist” Casey and Rick “Jesus really really loves me” Santorum. We polled roughly 1000 people, at “random”, and asked them a series of questions related to the candidates. Our polls, since they are conducted with the help of God, have no rate of sampling error. Here are the results, broken down to appeal to even the most stupid amongst you.
“Do you intend to vote for Mr. Santorum or Mr. Casey, the pedophile, in the upcoming mid-term election?”
72 % of respondents said they would vote for Santorum, who they considered to be a good and honest man with nothing but love in his heart for everyone. 20% stated that they would vote for Casey. Our phone-pollsters reported hearing sounds of satanic worship and possible bestiality in the backgrounds of the calls to Casey supporters. 8% were deemed too dumb to know how to vote, or they had names that sounded Islamic.
“Is Bobby “Lying Jerk” Casey more evil, or is Rick Santorum closer to being God-like?”
The results were very interesting here, and I must admit that I am slightly surprised. 52% of those polled think that Rick Santorum is closer to being God-like than Bobby Casey. However, only 2% claimed that Casey is more evil, even though our pollsters said “Bobby Casey” using a snake-like hiss. 46% of those answering picked options that were not part of the poll, such as “What are you talking about?”, “What kind of question is that?” and “Bob Casey is a good and honorable man, and you should not try to hurt him like this!” Those who answered in a similar manner were reported to mental health agencies in their area, since they are obviously sick, sick people.
“How much do you hate Bobby “I will kill your kids” Casey, or, if you do not hate the candidate, how much do you despise him? Or, if you approve of Casey, why do you like porn and drugs?”
The responses here were a touch confusing. I assume this is because many of those polled simply did not understand the subtle nature of the question. 26% of those polled said that they hate Casey “A lot”, “tons”, or “so much I cannot see straight”. Yet another 26% claim to hate Casey “beyond words”, or “more than I could ever say”. The remaining respondents claimed to not hate Bobby “Pass the Weed, Dogg” Casey, and also claimed not to be fans of porn and drugs. Most claimed to like Bobby “Bong-Hit" Casey, as a matter of fact. Now, we know that all liberals are on drugs and are aficionados of pornography. It is not worth trying to lie to the Honest-to-God poll. We know your real opinions, and that is how we will mark your answers.
From what we now know, it is obvious that Bobby “Son of Satan” Casey will be finished this November. Rick Santorum holds a commanding lead in the only poll that matters, and his future is assured.