Friday, December 01, 2006

God’s Top Three Pet Peeves

by Herman B. Hayes

The Good Lord Our Holy God is really getting annoyed with most of you.

Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool. There are, at a minimum, three sins that you must avoid at all costs.

One: Sex that you enjoy.

If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell. Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring. God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth. God did not say that we should go forth and enjoy having sex while multiplying. Any sexual release, other than the male orgasm, is considered by God to be even worse than killing hobos for sport, which is highly frowned upon. Married couples should not enjoy sex, because that is not what God intended. I am not often so frank with you, readers, but you need to understand this message. The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris. I happen to refer to it as “The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever. Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn that may be born through such tainted love-making.

Two: Supporting the Liberal Agenda of Satan.

This major pet-peeve of God is harder to define than the intercourse issue. Satan’s agenda comes in many forms, and you can only rely on Michael and myself to guide your path. First, as I hope you know by now, anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord. I do not mean Voldemort, you idiotic heathens. Try to put aside your carnal lust for Harry Potter for a moment, could you? The only book you need is The Holy Bible. The Bible, when properly read, states that it is harder for a liberal to pass in to heaven than it is for a drunken young girl to live through an encounter with Ted Kennedy. That is pretty difficult, since Ted Kennedy is to nubile, inebriated females what black holes are to light and matter. Remember, anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot, and even considering these ideas will damn you to the deepest reaches of the fire-filled-pit of demonized Democrats.

Three: Selling your Lord for the modern equivalent of thirty pieces of silver.

So, are you a little short on money this winter? First, stop being a lazy and worthless simpleton, and get a better job. If that fails, though, and you still need to heat the house, there is an option. Citgo is offering heating oil for 40% off this winter. There is only one problem with this oil: It is the lubrication that Satan will use to sodomize you in Hell. The Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez, is selling oil to Citgo at this bargain basement price because the Devil himself demanded it. Do you really want to heat your home with the putrefied souls of the damned? This “cheap” oil is laced with chemicals that cause terrible illness in humans, but help to moisturize and refresh the skin of demons. I for one prefer to heat my home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. Joe Kennedy, notorious henchman of the President of Hell and longtime Democrat, is the mouthpiece for this Satanic attack on your home. If you would not let lice-ridden Gypsies inside to steal your children, don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease.

My message is a simple one: If you cross the line, God will not welcome you back into the fold. It does not matter if you are an “innocent” child, or a withered, tube-riddled old bag of flesh. God does not love you by default. You must work each and every day not to cross God. If you sin, you burn, and that is the gospel truth. Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?

141 Comments:

At December 01, 2006 9:17 PM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

Amen! You again prove that you are a latter-day phophet to help us obey God's word.

 
At December 01, 2006 9:18 PM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

prophet. I misspelled it. Am I going to hell now?

 
At December 01, 2006 9:32 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Bill Hole, I might be wrong here, but judging by all those coltion plates they are always passing around, I think it might actually be "profit".

By the way, Brother Herman, I was just wondering. In order to avoid contact with the demonic female clitoris, would masturbation be acceptsble, providing I freeze my sperm for later impregnation into a godly Christian womb?

 
At December 01, 2006 9:56 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Short answer...no. Find a solution, that is why God gave you a brain.

 
At December 01, 2006 10:38 PM, Anonymous Reality calling said...

Ha ha that was a great read .
when are we as a species going to finally figure out that all of this religous stuff is just a fairy tale?

this ideology is the fuel that feeds the fire of war
A war over whose imaginary friend is better.

 
At December 01, 2006 10:43 PM, Blogger Bukko_in_Australia said...

Reverend Doctor Herman, I am sure that your wife has never suffered from the sin of sexual pleasure, Praise Jesus!

P.S. Your word verification below says "forrk." That sounds vaguely obscene. I hesitate to type it. Are you sure that the Devil or libruls have not infiltrated this technology?

 
At December 01, 2006 11:25 PM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

I have another question. Is castration a proper way to avoid the loss of celibacy? It says in the bible that "if a man makes himself a eunuch in the name of God, let him accept it".

 
At December 02, 2006 2:25 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Herman: No wiser words have ever been written. The very fact that I practiced God's method of procreation led to my wife's demand for divorce. I never gave her pleasure and I never gave her a divorce. That demoness can't trick me into a life of sin.

I think you will find this song inspirational: Inspirational song

 
At December 02, 2006 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are off your Rocker and if this is for real you need to go back and reread your Bible and read what is written and not what you want the Bible to say. The Bible states that there is only ONE way and it is not through our works.... Reread John 3:16 as it is written..... You also need to spend some time reading about the lives of the prophets and the people that Jesus spent his time with. NOT ONE of them was perfect yet the LORD saw fit to sleep in there home and sit to dine with them and so forth... You are only seeing what you wish to see in the Bible and that is a sin unto its own...

 
At December 02, 2006 8:37 AM, Blogger Scott-O-Rama said...

“The Devil’s Easy Button”

ROFLMAO... although I'll never be able to watch one of those Staple's commercials the same way again.

 
At December 02, 2006 10:39 AM, Blogger Greywolf said...

.............you're kidding,,,right???
I still have difficulty believing such narrow-minded holier than thou idiots still exist on God's earth. You are the real Anti-Christ...To actually believe you can interpret what the Lord has in mind for us is arrogant at best, and more Goddless than the message you spew from your satan tainted lips....

 
At December 02, 2006 11:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree about your view about sex. That is why I think sperm should be harvested from all males as soon as they are able to produce it, and saved for a time in the future to artificially impregnate their future wives without enjoying the act of sex. Meanwhile they should be castrated to prevent sexually urges. Men simply do not need male hormones or the ability to perform sexually. Just think what a beautiful world it would be. Husband and wive sitting and watching romantic comedies together, both crying together. Or sitting at bars together watching Martha Stewart, drinking sloe gin fizzes and planning what to cook for dinner. Indeed, removing sex would open up new doors to developing closer, more sensitive relationships.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You must be the joke of your family...honestly how can you say all that and also have the nerve to throw in politics with religion. If you're not a republican you're going to hell??? are you retarded??? Do you really think a life of condeming other people is getting you into heaven? You both are F*cking morons.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I spoke in jest, you spoke in hatred. Lets measure a man by his intention. I would never claim you are going to hell. That's not up to me. I guess someone appointed you to assist Christ in his work? And your vocabulary shows evil hatred toward your fellow man. Again it's not for me to judge, but I know the way I was raised and the way I raised my children. In my years of studying Psychology we refer to such outbursts as having trouble with anger management. God bless your family, friends, loved ones and you. May you heal from what ever ails you. One may disagree, but normal people take it with stride. Only those with internal rage make rash verbal attacks.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:48 AM, Anonymous Peter said...

Heheheh i dont know if this is supposed to be funny. If you are serious then you are completely insane.

And if it is satire, it is the worst case i ever encountered.

Anyone who symphatizes with the Republican Party is a proof that God does NOT exist. If God existed, an idiot like George Bush would never have become president.

In fact, I would not be surprised that, if only a God existed, he would bitchslap all Republicans and other right wing idiots all over the world straight to hell....

 
At December 02, 2006 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The above article is pretty funny however, the comments by all of those who obviously don't get it are hilarious.

 
At December 02, 2006 12:18 PM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

wow! anon agress!!! only if Michael or Herman would agree with the benefits of castration.

 
At December 02, 2006 12:36 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Personally, Bill, I am for castration in certain cases. I think you should have to pass a test in order to procreate...if you fail, off with your testicles. Or, if you comment as "anonymous", off with your testicles, and into your mouth with them.

 
At December 02, 2006 12:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you are taking the Bible literally, which I think is where your problems start; you probably would have noticed the last verses of Psalm 100 "For the Lord is good. His mercy everlasting and his truth..." yaddi yaddi yadda!!! This means that according to your theology and what is written in the Bible, he will never be pissed off with us. Does this not quench your hell-burning fire? I thought so. You see, there is a lot of stuff written in the Bible that is totally conflicting. Most conservatives are either dumb or stubborn. Christianity is just a continuation of paganism with a slight twist to control the masses. Hmmm!!! Go do your research and quit yer belly yackin.

 
At December 02, 2006 1:30 PM, Anonymous Godless and Loving It! said...

What's funnier than your obvious satire is all the dweebs who don't realize that it's obviously a satire. Never over-estimate the intelligence of a True Believer™

 
At December 02, 2006 1:45 PM, Blogger roko said...

Sorry you are wrong. The Song of Solomon is sexy and there is no mention of offspring. God says that sex in marriage should be a extremely senual experience and I and every Christian I know do all we can in our marriages to take this to the limit. Sex is great when it is between a husand and wife.

God looks at people's hearts. If there are Republican creeps or Democratic ones is of no difference. I happen to be a Christian of the Independent party persuasion and also love to vote for more "Green" candidates and Billy Graham is a staunt Democrat.
Only a fool in any religion would trust any politician or political persuasion. Money makes the world go round in politics this is more so.

As far as big oil or big business it might be more satanic just because these guys who control these mega monsters are only out to wring as much money out as possible from people before they take it and run. They don't care about enviornmental issues, peoples'finances, or what third world group they have to enslave. They don't allow alternative fuels and surpress new inventions and ideas so they can keep milking the public and any political guys, our president included, who support them are as evil as these guys are.

Using God for a scapegoat when men are the evil perpetrators of these crimes and misunderstandings to me is the coward's way. Take responsibility and don't let false religion, which you think is Christianity or false politics which you think is going to save you be what you use as your smoke screen. All of us are sinners and pretty much two faced most of the time. God is love, we are backwards in our understanding of Him and His ways. This includes democrats and republicans and even independents.

 
At December 02, 2006 1:46 PM, Blogger Truth said...

“White Snake” - was the only words of truth you spoke in the first paragraph.

“Three sins that you must avoid at all costs.” Question Is!!! ....according to who?_____

“One: Sex that you enjoy.” Why would GOD make it feel good, if we weren’t suppose to enjoy it? This is Pro-creating Life after all. It is the greatest thing, but then again - ....you will never know.
Don’t you think GOD would have made it painful, or just much harder to perform? ....like only on a Full Moon.

“If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell.”
That is a LIE, ...a Big Fat Stupid LIE!

“Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring.”
Thank God - YOU don’t write the Laws of Sex for Man kind. You would be removed from office.

“When God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth.”
....He WASN’T talking to you!!!

“The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris.”
The woman’s body is THE most beautiful shape and form - created by the Hands of God, ....including that beautiful Lotus Flower in the burning bush.

“The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever.”
You should stop teaching so many lies, because you are too far beyond re-teaching.
You can’t teach an old DOG new tricks - ....was written for people like you.

“Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn etc.”

Oh now you’ve done research - I have seven Grand Children and four adult children that were all healthy and ALIVE in Spirit and Energy because of my wife being pleasured even when they were in the womb.
= = =
“Satan’s agenda comes in many forms etc.”
Yes! It does - Go look in the mirror, and you will see the worst form.

“Anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord.”
The true Evil Doers - have always made the victims seem like the Villain.
= = =

“Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez.”
The Sun is essential to all forms of life - and anyone who can’t stay in it (without getting skin cancer) is not truly human.

“ ...prefer to heat your home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. “
WRONG!!! The oil of the earth will not last forever. Removing all that oil is what is causing the underground plates to shift.

The Earth Is A Living Entity!!! ...It is tired of YOUR kind abusing it. It will cause more and more Great Havoc.

Never mind Joe Kennedy, and the president of Venezuela.

I’m more concerned about - what should be, our own countrymen who created AIDS in the first place, and then distribute it in the form of a dam vaccine.

YOU ....ARE THE ENEMY!!!

 
At December 02, 2006 1:49 PM, Blogger Truth said...

“White Snake” - (????)

“Three sins that you must avoid at all costs.” Question Is!!! ....according to who?_____

“One: Sex that you enjoy.” Why would GOD make it feel good, if we weren’t suppose to enjoy it? This is Pro-creating Life after all. It is the greatest thing, but then again - ....you will never know.
Don’t you think GOD would have made it painful, or just much harder to perform? ....like only on a Full Moon.

“If you have a sexual experience, and you enjoy it, you are going to Hell.”
That is a LIE, ...a Big Fat Stupid LIE!

“Sex is only, ever, for the production of offspring.”
Thank God - YOU don’t write the Laws of Sex for Man kind. You would be removed from office.

“When God said that we should go forth and multiply, unto the ends of the Earth.”
....He WASN’T talking to you!!!

“The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris.”
The woman’s body is THE most beautiful shape and form - created by the Hands of God, ....including that beautiful Lotus Flower in the burning bush.

“The Devil’s Easy Button”. Any contact with the clitoris, by either person in the sex-act, will cause God to turn his back on you forever.”
You should stop teaching so many lies, because you are too far beyond re-teaching.
You can’t teach an old DOG new tricks - ....was written for people like you.

“Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects in the Satan-spawn etc.”

Oh now you’ve done research - I have seven Grand Children and four adult children that were all healthy and ALIVE in Spirit and Energy because of my wife being pleasured even when they were in the womb.
= = =
“Satan’s agenda comes in many forms etc.”
Yes! It does - Go look in the mirror, and you will see the worst form.

“Anyone who is not a life-long God Fearing Republican is an agent of the Dark Lord.”
The true Evil Doers - have always made the victims seem like the Villain.
= = =

“Satan-worshipping president of Venezuela (The “Sunny, Beautiful Hell” of South America) Hugo Chavez.”
The Sun is essential to all forms of life - and anyone who can’t stay in it (without getting skin cancer) is not truly human.

“ ...prefer to heat your home with full priced oil, which is a gift from God Himself to mankind, and will last forever and ever. “
WRONG!!! The oil of the earth will not last forever. Removing all that oil is what is causing the underground plates to shift.

The Earth Is A Living Entity!!! ...It is tired of YOUR kind abusing it. It will cause more and more Great Havoc.

Never mind Joe Kennedy, and the president of Venezuela.

I’m more concerned about - what should be, our own countrymen who created AIDS in the first place, and then distribute it in the form of a dam vaccine.

YOU ....ARE THE ENEMY!!!

 
At December 02, 2006 2:12 PM, Blogger Writing History said...

I think the post was awesome. And i don't appreciate these stupid*ss Christian radicals that think that they have something to prove to everyone about their God. If you really think this article is that bad, and that God would highly frown upon this light joke, do you really want to spend eternity with such a brooding, ill-sense of humor toting man?

 
At December 02, 2006 2:19 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Greywolf: Are you suggesting that Herman types with His lips? Let me assure you that while liberals might engage in such deviant anti-social behavior God's gift to humanity, Herman B. Hayes, uses only his index fingers just a God intended.

Truth: God hates you and so do I.

 
At December 02, 2006 2:25 PM, Blogger Marc V said...

Reading your senseless chatter has made me want to run home and burn my wives citreous off than take the jaws of life to my self. I was most excited to hear that satin will at least lube up before He sodomizes me. As in the words of another reverend who also speak of God- “bible-belt 'round anglo-waste’, putting sinners in their place
yeah, right, great if you're so good explain the s**t stains on your face (Marilyn Manson).” Who are you to wave your finger at me? No one wants to here what you have to say, so just go back to sleeping with little boys in the vestibule.

 
At December 02, 2006 2:56 PM, Blogger Sheryl said...

It's about time we truly religious people did away with sex! It's dirty, sloppy and animalistic...all that noisy thrashing around, moaning and screaming out your partner's name (hopefully), sweating like a pig, heart racing, body parts pulsating...why...oh -- oh -- OOHHHHH MYGOD!!!!!! (I smile sheepishly.)

 
At December 02, 2006 3:15 PM, Blogger jerdog said...

Herman hayes is a complete idiot. If anybody out there believes that by touching a womans clitoris you will go to hell...well then I have some land in Florida you might be interesed in.

 
At December 02, 2006 3:15 PM, Blogger jerdog said...

Herman hayes is a complete idiot. If anybody out there believes that by touching a womans clitoris you will go to hell...well then I have some land in Florida you might be interesed in.

 
At December 02, 2006 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stopped reading at "If you have a sexual experience and enjoy it, you are going to hell."

The Bible doesn't condemn the enjoyment of sex. That makes everything that follows drivel.

You folks need to read Cloud Drops by Nicholas Ifkovits. At a minimum it will lighten your load. God bless.

 
At December 02, 2006 4:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since the holy bible is the topic why have we not quoted it? Proverbs 5;18-19 let the woman of your youth intoxicate you with her breasts, with her love may you be in ecstasy constantly. hmmmmmmm.

 
At December 02, 2006 4:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a f*****g retard! Do you really think that Jesus is floating around going...oh no...oh god, she just had sex and 'enjoyed it', that sinning bitch, get a rope? I mean seriously...oh, ...oh, sorry I broke off, I was masturbating and just had a big orgasm.
p.s I work for the United Church and I'm curious what 'bible' you actually read; because I think you need to re-read it, over and over...

 
At December 02, 2006 4:45 PM, Blogger Banjo said...

It is truly amazing to me that there are so many idiots who think that the article was serious!

 
At December 02, 2006 5:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lighten up morons... this is satire!!

 
At December 02, 2006 5:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Herman, could you please give the specific scriptures you are refering to?

 
At December 02, 2006 5:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have any of you young men that wrote this story stolen before? Have you followed your ideas to the letter? What about lying, have you been 100% truthful in your life?

 
At December 02, 2006 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, Mr. Herman, You have taken everything out of context. Have you read the Gospels or do you attend a church?? You need to consult with a Pastor on these issues, because you are missing out on things that God has given to you.

 
At December 02, 2006 6:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Bible says " He was not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." Once I have accepted Christ as Savior and Lord, any sin is forgiven, for they are all under the blood of Jesus. The garbage you presented here is against every thing Jesus said about grace. He paid the price for my sin, and anything I do to be good is an act of works, which scripture says is as filthy rags. It doesn't depend on me, it depends on Him. You don't know your Bible, and you don't know God. You are leading people to hell with your works salvation. You will be held accountable at the final judgement, if you make it there. He may say, "Depart from me, you worker of iniquity. I never knew you." Get right today and straighten up your message that is sinful, and against Jesus' payment for the sin of those who repent. Repent your evil message of hate.

 
At December 02, 2006 6:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AMEN to that!!!

 
At December 02, 2006 6:33 PM, Blogger GlennBo said...

I love it ! For once, a noted Republican, who has the balls to tell the truth, as he sees it ! Is this a great country or what ? Thank you for such a great satire.

 
At December 02, 2006 6:41 PM, Blogger tazzi said...

Everyone listen up, It is not often we get a chance to reply to Satan himself. So Satan, I prefer to embrace "I HAVE COME SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE LIFE AND HAVE IT MORE ABUNDANTLY." and that includes enjoying my wife's ****.

 
At December 02, 2006 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot believe how many people actually believe this "tongue in cheek" article. Are there so many people in the world who do not understand the word "SATIRE"? After all it is in the headline.

 
At December 02, 2006 7:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satire:

1 : a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2 : trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly

In other words, using something to make light of something else. This is not a serious article. I am surprised at how many people recieved a poor education...oh wait...we are talking about America here.

 
At December 02, 2006 7:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

THIS IS A JOKE RIGHT? I MEAN CLEARLY THIS PERSON IS NOT ALL THERE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT BIBLE HE/SHE READS BUT IT HAS THEM ALL MISLEAD ( POOR THING).
I PETTY HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND ANY PERSON THAT FOLLOWS HIM WILL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL......... AND THATS NO JOKE. GOD CLEARLY SAYS DONT MIX HIS WORD AND POLITIC, PLOITIC IS CLEARLY A MAN MAD THING. GOD LOVES US ALL AND FAR AS SINS THAT WHAT HE DIED ON THE CROSS FOR, OUR SINS HE KNEW WE AS HUMANS WERE GOING TO SIN AND THAT LIVING OUT IN THE WORLD THERE WOULD AND IS ALOT OF TEMPTATIONS, SURELY THATS WHY WE HAVE CONFESSIONS AND REPENTENCE. IT IS SAD THAT SOME POOR SOULS WILL TAKE THIS GARBAGE AND RUN WITH IT AND BELIEVE IT AS WELL AS PRACTICE IT... HOW SAD.
GOD LOVES US ALL REGUARDLESS OF WHAT OUR CHOICE OF PARTY IS.
HE MAD US ALL AND KNOWS PRIOR TO OUR BIRTH WHAT OUR WEAKINESS AND STRENGTH ARE AS WELL AS OUR DESTINATION WILL BE.... MAN DOES NOT KNOW THIS... THNAK GOD.
MY PRAYER TO GOD ONCE I READ THIS IS THAT PERSONS WILL HAVE THE COMMON KNOWLEDGE TO READ THE BIBLE FOR THEMSELS TO KNOW THE TRUTH AND NOT TAKE THIS IDIOTS WORD.
OMG THE COMPUTER CAN BE A SCARY PLACE SPECIALLY IF PEOPLE DONT TAKE THE TIME TO READ FOR THEMSELF AND UNDERSTAND AND COMPREHEND IT AS IT IS WRITTEN,
ONE BIBLE... NOT NO MAN MADE CRAP EITHER THAT SOMEONE HAS ADDED OR TAKEN AWAY FROM WHAT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE SO MANY RELIGIONS AND MAN MADE BIBLES, SCARY THING AS WELL, BUT GOD'S STATES OF THIS AND THESE TIMES IN THE BIBLE AS WELL. DONT BELIEVE ME? I ENCOURGE ALL TO PICK UP A KING JAMES VERISONS AND READ IT , IT IS ALL THERE.
DONT TKAE MANS WORD HE IS HUMAN LIKE YOU ( US ALL) AND IS SUBJECT TO HUMAN ERROR AND THIS ARTICLE PROVES THAT VERY CLEARLY.


WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO ?
GOD HELP US ALL, BECAUSE SATAN IS CLEARLY BUSY (LOL) THIS ARTICLE PROVES AND SHOWS THIS.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL THAT READS THIS AND PLEASE READ AND RESEARCH FOR YOURSELF DO NOT TRUST ARTICLES SUCH AS THIS.



KOURTNEY

 
At December 02, 2006 7:08 PM, Blogger Bukko_in_Australia said...

How do all these libruls who quibble with the righteous interpretation of the Holy Scriptures find this Godly site, anyway? Why do you allow them to profane this place? Especially the ones who claim to be Christians who follow the heretical doctrine of the so-called "Merciful Jesus." (My fingers started spasming merely from typing that, have mercy upon me.) Maybe you do it to give them more damnation points in the eyes of He Who Smiteth the Sinners. But I'm already sure their body fat is predestined to sizzle like bacon on the Devil's skillet. Mmmmm, bacon... The Gentile white meat! Are you at all worried for your mortal soul, like the parable of the farmer who alloweth swine to root in his orchard?

 
At December 02, 2006 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Satire is usually fine for most topics APART FROM FAITH-BASED RELIGIONS. In the name of religion, people are killing others. Some religions believe that theirs is the one true religion and so everyone must be converted to that religion. Irrespective of the tone of the article, there is a message that can affect one's belief.

So if I was to say (in satire) that:
1) Christianity is a farce that is used to control the masses;
2) Christ seems to share similar characteristics to Mithras, Buddha and many others, who did exist prior to Him, therefore lending credence to the fact that Christ copied his and other people’s teachings;
3) Christ was nothing but a normal human being who was made "supernatural" after his death to promote control in the powerful Roman Empire that none of the subjects could over-throw;
4) No one can prove or disprove the existence of God and that having faith in something that cannot be proven is stupid;
5) The purpose of the Church is to line the pockets of the residing pastors;

...how would that affect the belief of some? Hmmm! I wonder…

 
At December 02, 2006 7:33 PM, Anonymous me said...

.I make up, in my feeble, little old mind, that 'your god' probably possesses an infinite amount of tolerance for his socially retarded believers. good god.
I believe, that ‘your' god ,a.k.a. GOD, also, was notorious for transmitting "need to know" INTEL through, otherwise unknown or obscure folk. Occasionally he might even provide visual aids or neat demonstrations to validate the origin of the current message and hopefully prevent the possible death of the unassuming messenger. A few accounts can be found in the THE Bible, emphasizing THE because books ,sometimes share a name but differ in content. I feel sure this is not 1 of those instances.
I rarely claim to know or understand exactly what god does or doesn't find irritating, humorous, blasphemous, angering, disrespectful, or even godless for that matter
But, I feel certain that ALL the godless non believers you are addressing spend precious ,few moments expecting forgiveness, from an entity they feel is non existent or for a behavior that, by definition is not sinful to them. because????....They don't believe in god. They never sin idiot. They don't fear any of this gibberish you think, you heard the faculty in your ward discussing.
AND FYI, in a genre specific analysis, White Snake was cool. Clearly the only road you've ever known leads to a big, big fence. Your mental intuition, I mean institution should really separate chat time and robitussin doses a little more carefully. Out

.

 
At December 02, 2006 7:48 PM, Blogger zosky said...

lordy, lordy. These believers sure are narrow minded. Please my dear holier-than-thou, know-the lord-thy-God-like-the-back-of-thy-hand, can't-think-for-thyself-unless-it's-written-in-the-bible interneters, Wake up and smell the burnt toast. If you are so knowledgable about who and what God is and wants then we may as well name our own personal Gods by our own names because that's how many Gods there will be.

By the way Herman and Micheal, nice work

 
At December 02, 2006 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

get this article off the internet.
its foul and condescending towards catholics

 
At December 02, 2006 8:12 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Just out of curiosity, you moron, are there any non faith based religions? Are you the leader of the Church of the Non-Faith Based Idiots?

 
At December 02, 2006 8:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I so agree, you really need to re-read your bible. God is a loving God and forgives. It's not nice to mock the Lord thy God. I forgive you, tho, I cannot say that you will be forgiven by whom it really matters. Jesus loves ME, this I know.....

 
At December 02, 2006 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so absurd that it has to be a satire. Unfortunately, there are too many extremists in this country with "opinions" like H.B.H that are just as dangerous as another Osama bin Laden.

 
At December 02, 2006 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Herman, thanks for your compassionate comments. With reference to my previous statement "Satire is usually fine for most topics APART FROM FAITH-BASED RELIGIONS...", there are indeed only faith-based religions unless you are considering things like "Going to work" and "going to the bathroom" religions.

When I mentioned "Most Topics" I meant stuff OUTSIDE of religion also. Try not to be too narrow-minded.

No, I am not a leader of the Church of the Non-Faith Based Idiots.

Basically, this all boils down to beliefs. You have yours and I have mine. They may or may not be the same and that is fine by me.

Have a great future...

 
At December 02, 2006 9:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get so sick of these anonymous people whining that "Jesus loves me." No He doesn't because you're a sinner. I'm reminded of a bluegrass gospel song by a band called "The Austin Lounge Leaders" or some similar name with these lyrics:

"I know you smoke, I know you drink that brew,
I just can't abide a sinner like you,
God can't either, that's why I know it to be true,
That Jesus loves me but He can't stand you.

(Chorus)

"God loves all His children, by gum,
But that don't mean He won't incinerate some,
Can't you feel the hot flames licking you, woo-woo-woo,

(Second verse)

"I'm raising my kids in a righteous way,
So don't be sending your kids over to my house to play,
Yours will grow up stoned, left-leaning and gay,
Jesus told me on the phone today..."

It goes on from there, but you get the idea. It brings a quiver to my knees and the water to my bowels every time we sing it in our Full-Immersion Baptist Church, I must tell you. But when I hear people chanting that children's anthem about Jesus and love, it makes me want to wrench their heads off their spindly little necks. Only I have to be content to let Jesus do that at a time and place of His choosing.

 
At December 02, 2006 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I have to say is: God have mercy on your soul.

why?: because condemnation is the greatest of all sins.

And saying god hates or likes certain things is kind of stupid. We don't really know what god truely wants. And he said to love everyone, in the bible, and everyone should love everyone else. His religion is supposed to be based on love, but so far all I've seen is hate. Don't go around condemning others or hating others or saying god hates things because if you do then you really are nothing but an insane hypocrit.

 
At December 02, 2006 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God doesn't like us to have sexual gratification? What about "wet dreams" and "The Song of Solomon"?

 
At December 02, 2006 9:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also have to agree with this article not being a proper satire.

 
At December 02, 2006 9:35 PM, Anonymous Dante said...

oh my...I think my favorite was the guy whose wife has a "citreous." And thanks to KOURTNEY for making your page complete BY DOING THE N00B THING.

As one of those scary socially liberal Republicans, I got a big kick out of your post; as an English professor, I'm appalled by the overwhelming majority here who can't recognize satire. The fact that most of them are ideologically on the side of the angels (more or less)demonstrates why our country has fallen to the Mean People (who,as my friend's bumper tells me, Suck): i.e., the non-Meanies seem to all be permanently riding the short bus.

Rock on, Brother Herman!

 
At December 02, 2006 9:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

May god have mercy on your soul!!!
You shld be shame for this, but then God once said" said forgive them for they not know what they do" lol not the case here you surely know. But then he said "Satan will be a powerful source, I agree with the person that said" God loves us all, he died on that cross for our sins so we may have a choice. I will keep the person who wrote this article in my prayers and most of all those that follow you and all of your family friends that you may come in contact with. What a terrible and contagious thing to spend.
May God have mercy on you and those who follow you.

OMG! what is this world coming to ....THE End the bible states!

 
At December 02, 2006 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you "truth", at least some of us still have a brain! The Lord Jesus Christ is a very loving God. My husband and I are expecting our first son very soon and I assure you that there was sexual loving pleasure when he was created in my womb, what type of idiots do these people think they are...they need to get their heads out of their butts and back into the real world! Who are they kidding anyway!

 
At December 02, 2006 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So your God created "The Devil's Easy Button" on females? So basically you're confused because the GOD I know doesn't create devilish things on humans from birth...to tempt or otherwise, that is your devil's job (to tempt). If it wasn't supposed to be there your God wouldn't have created it...if he were perfect. He would only create it to be evil and send us directly to hell while commiting the crime of child birth either that or out of a half thought out idea. What if it's accidentally touched? What if it's touched simply for pleasure and not during sex? Is your God that unforgiving? Must not be good.

I follow no religion but I believe in GOD and Jesus (GOD's son). I also believe in other Gods that were sent here with powers beyond most people's beliefe (which is why you have to believe) and not need to witness them. But they were sent here to demonstrate the powers of let's say demi-gods so that you believe in the all mighty one. The GOD of Gods. Maybe it's okay to worship that God so long as you believe in THE GOD....creator of everything more mysterious than most people can comprehend.

Also in case you're wondering my name is Michael but literally translated means GOD's right hand man or god-like. My full name means GOD's right hand man who is godlike and is the protector of the key. First middle and last. That's not a joke either. I'm also not claiming to be a God or demi-god that's not what I'm trying to do. It's just what my name means; what you believe is up to you.......

GOD only tests your beliefs with defined boundries not tempts you with sins; cardinal or otherwise. Those boundries for the most part are universal. Meaning even the outerspace 'aliens' would know the difference between right and wrong...meaning they too would be visited by a God they can relate to if they happened to start to fall to the side of pure evil; if nothing else to create a few believers and help them not fall into your devil's control to fight THE GOD's good will. Also that God might pick a person in power (hoping they don't turn corrupt with the "power of knowledge" and twist it to their liking) to help spread the word but perform "the miracles" to those in need to demonstrate powers you wouldn't believe without seeing.

MK-KA

 
At December 02, 2006 10:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My roommate Kourtney allowed a few of her friends who dropped by her residence read this TRASH and we all desired to comment on it.
"May the yaer ahead bring Peace
Good health and much Happiness to you all and even the poor minded soul that written this article." It once again just shows that anybody (reguardless of their education, social status and belief can and will post anything on the internet, "whats sad and harmful is that some will beleive it without researching and will follow the Blind.
Kourtney thanks for sharing what a waste and I hope that God will allow those whom have the misfortune to read it DO NOT trust this writer, this is his opinion only and you know what they say about OPINIONS?
OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSES EVERYONE HAS ONE!

God "Have mercy on this person allow him not to affect and corrupt the minds or whomever reads this, has something to say abotut FReedom of speech, mankes you go mmmmmmmm.


Good Night ,
Kourtney's Friend

Thanks Kourtney for sharing!
God Bless you Your roommate

 
At December 02, 2006 10:14 PM, Anonymous Malcolm J. Brenner said...

This is precisely why I (and all other Democrats) secretly worship C'thul'hu, the Undead God who sleeps in sunken Rl'yeh, dreaming of the day when he shall rise from the deep and re-enslave mankind. When that day comes, boy, are you Republicans going to have to kiss my lilly-white ass! – Malcolm J. Brenner

 
At December 02, 2006 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think one of those anonymous is rihgt. The firs one who was talking about John in the bible. But i thought u could enjoy sex, and enjoy having your own children at the same time. But i guess i was wrong. Some of yall make dumb comments. Trying to be cool.

 
At December 02, 2006 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

malcom j. brenner what are u talking about. there is only one god. our lord. I don't like the way your talking.

 
At December 02, 2006 10:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

peter...do u not like george bush? i really dont either

 
At December 02, 2006 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

peter i have a friend at school named peter lee that feels the same way u do.

 
At December 02, 2006 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay why did god give us those kinds of feelings??? sex will always feel good if your doing it with someone u love (married) god gave us those feelings to use... I think your veiw on what god wants is very negative. I think your veiw on this subject all together is very negative.

 
At December 02, 2006 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you completely insane?

 
At December 02, 2006 10:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For some of my dear posters:

Quiz:
1. Have you read the article?
2. Do you understand the definition of satire?

If you posted something that does not positively affirm these questions, go see the steps below.

1. Reread the damn article and relearn the definition of satire.
2. Stop posting stuff saying "Herbert Hayes" (or whoever) is stupid, Stupid.
3. Have a f**kin sense of humor; I'm f**kin Christian too, Stupid.
-eugene

 
At December 02, 2006 10:58 PM, Anonymous Maureen said...

Uhhm yeeah. It's actually quite scary how many people don't get this. For anyone who posted a ridiculous "Jesus loves us all/ I'm praying for you/ God never said he hated the clit" comment, thanks for the laughs. Not everyone believes what you believe. Period. It is not the end of the world, so why get your panties in a wad? The way you blindly defend your beliefs without any examination of the counter argument (which in this case is fricken pretend! duuuh!) is unsettling. I suggest you go to wikipedia as quickly as possible and look up "satire". Then proceed to comedy central's website and try to find yourself a sense of humor.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:06 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

For all of you who claim to "love Jesus" and then claim to be against what I say, your fate is well sealed. God really dislikes those who claim to love Him, but then do not instantly agree with His messangers, such as myself and Michael.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God for freedom of speech.... and for the freedom not to have to read this trash.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:15 PM, Blogger aleks said...

Well yeah instead of arguing about this crap, how about I say that Herman here is just some random guy who is bored out of this mind like everyone else in this world and found a way to let his boredom out. His way is telling everyone that they are bad because of things they do. Perfectly understandable, but it doesnt mean you have to believe it? Like i said, hes just an average Joe. But hey Herman i respect your dedication to religion. By the way...whats your opinion on Jews and their beliefs? just wondering?

 
At December 02, 2006 11:16 PM, Blogger Mike said...

What man alive shall not see death? Our words today determine our paths tommorrow. He hears our every thought. He knows our hearts. Let us be wise in the words that we speak because He is the One that controls our destiny.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHatever happen to grace. Jesus does not hate sinners, whoever siad that does not read the Bible. Juses hung out with sinneres because he didn't like the acts of the pharisess, which seem to look like today's christians. I am embarassed at the acts of Christians. Yes I believe homosexuality, adultery is bad, but God still loves them. Repenteance is needed. "God is love, whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him" According to this post this is not love, so does God really live in you? Maybe Christianity would be accepted if we were more loving instead of hating. God IS LOVE! It's scriptual

 
At December 02, 2006 11:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whooo-wee! Honestly, I don't care if it's satire or straight-up (noticed I used the word straight) conservative paranoia, this is friggin' hilarious! Thank you, I so needed a good laugh and this, well, this was the ticket.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:35 PM, Anonymous Mel said...

Oh my goodness, reading the comments was better than reading the article.

I'm quite sure God was chuckling as well.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the people who are confused as to whether this is satire or not- stop jumping the gun and actually take a look at everything on the page. Look at the note under all the links-"Everything posted on this blog is satire and should be read as such." stop overeacting. All of you people trying to explain what the Bible really says are making yourselve's look like jackasses. You're trying to spread religion on a page with a satrical take on religion on it.

 
At December 02, 2006 11:48 PM, Anonymous haysoos the almighty said...

OMFG. Some of the grammar and spelling in these comments are a sin! Make a mental note, if you're any type of retarded invalid who cant spell or produce the correct sentence structure to get to your meaningless point, YOU, my friend, are going to hell anyway. I just dont understand why people who type as if they didnt get past the 8th grade still feel the need to comment on ANYTHING. just shut up and die you dirty pie holes. as for the post, it was a little funny,....the end.

 
At December 03, 2006 9:58 AM, Anonymous Tiny Tim said...

Peeve number one of three, I have under complete control. I for one, shall never be the instrument of any woman's sexual pleasure. For you see, I'm endowed with a diminutive penis. One probably incapable of providing any sort of enjoyment to another person. Of course that's just a guess, since I've never made the attempt. At first, I was ashamed of what I felt was an inadequacy on my part and would go to great lengths to avoid any kind of possibly embarrassing situation. You know, like avoiding locker room showers and wearing tights. But, after finding the path to true righteous, such as; the one illustrated here by the worthy Herman B Hayes. I discovered I had been blessed, not cursed, by my itty bitty pecker size. My God Given or God Withheld size has spared me one of the many temptations that most men have to wrestle with. So I no longer try to hide my condition, but brazenly flaunt it. Well, as brazenly as one can flaunt something that's really kinda hard to see.

I'm still working diligently on the other two.

 
At December 03, 2006 12:19 PM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

"For all of you who claim to "love Jesus" and then claim to be against what I say, your fate is well sealed. God really dislikes those who claim to love Him, but then do not instantly agree with His messangers, such as myself and Michael. "

This passage is a true light in a message role shrouded in darkness. For the sailor, this is the lighthouse in the distance that keep the fog at bay.

 
At December 03, 2006 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay one of the persons making a posted comment on others that commented as well and their spelling, that shld be the least he /she shld be concerned with, we all even them have a right to comment, even the idioted that written what He thought was the truth,even though it was NOT the truth according to the Bible, I personally rather read the comments that the spelling was not corrected than the crap that was printed and not True.

 
At December 03, 2006 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a prime example that anyone can post ignorant and untrue CRAP on the internet.
Bet he voted for BUSH as well.
Bet he believes in the war and supposely weapons as mass destruction.
Bet he belives that President Bush wasnt out for the Man that tried to kill his father, thats why we had the war to begin with killing so many innocent men and wome.
, Please like this person whom written this article.

SHAME on you and saying your the messenger, lol Yeah for SATAN surely not GOD, He doesnt think like that, in those thoughts, and certainly not about Women and Man, those are his creations in HIS imagne,
May God have Mercy on your soul and all those you will corupt.

Sick, just Sick.


New Orleans

 
At December 03, 2006 11:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you all. I needed a good laugh. The article was funny, although a bit crude, but the comments were absolutely hillarious.

Still laughing

 
At December 09, 2006 4:47 PM, Blogger danser babe said...

oh wow.....I thought the article was hilarious, until I read the comments aferwards. I'm still crying. Damn, some people are stupid. to those of you who don't get that this is SATIRE. I say, like many who have gone before me, get a life. A great person once, or maybe twice said. "Don't get your knickers in a knot, it doesn't do any good, and it makes you walk funny."

 
At December 24, 2006 10:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well I certainly agree especially now during Christmas time when the spirit of Jesus and Christian love motivates me to kill all them towelheads and flamming liberals that want to snatch the moral values from good Christians like me. They say Jesus was a profit and no reason we can profit from His teachings!! God Bless America and God Bless the worlds greatest peacemaker G W Bush a man of true integrity and a regular literary lion whose famous book My Pet Goat will be enshrined with those of Shakespear, Michael Savage, and Lynn Cheney!!

 
At December 24, 2006 10:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well I certainly agree especially now during Christmas time when the spirit of Jesus and Christian love motivates me to kill all them towelheads and flamming liberals that want to snatch the moral values from good Christians like me. They say Jesus was a profit and no reason we can profit from His teachings!! God Bless America and God Bless the worlds greatest peacemaker G W Bush a man of true integrity and a regular literary lion whose famous book My Pet Goat will be enshrined with those of Shakespear, Michael Savage, and Lynn Cheney!!

 
At December 24, 2006 10:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The purpose of sex is to create children and not for simple pleasure!!!. Just like eating is for nourishment and not for simple oral gratification. Therefore I have not only given up sex and birth control too but I think that there should be a discussion about the sin involved in eating something which provides only pleasure an no nutrient value. I refer of course to the ungodly potatoe chip!!! Was there ever a more obvious example of moral depredation than a Pringle or a Lays!!!

 
At December 26, 2006 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

just replying is pure fail

 
At March 21, 2007 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is hilarious..if it's a joke. however i can't be sure

 
At April 08, 2007 7:31 PM, Anonymous Dick Smith said...

You people have to be kidding... I believe that gods top peeve would be misinterpreting the bible for ones own personal gain would be one. This is why i have trouble putting my faith in the bible. Its not god that i dont have faith in, its the church and the people. Im SURE god said "yes men may orgasm while reproducing.. but the women, it would be a sin if they did...bloody demonic females..." And im sure there is something in the bible about judging your fellow brother... seems to be alot of this on this website. It could even be said that this website was cooked from the bowels of hell itself and people who use it are GOING TO HELL!!

 
At April 08, 2007 7:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a joke. It has to be. No one could be an idiot like that in this day and age. Then again, people start wars on false information. I'm an atheist, but if i was incorrect and there is a god, I would choose Satan. Why? Because you are a bunch of sissies.

 
At April 08, 2007 7:43 PM, Anonymous james r black said...

Bible thumping again? Chavez is a good guy. At least he cares about other people. What has that idiot Bush given the world? Death, and more death. Then again, isn't that the core of christians? To cause others misery in the name of some kind of god?

 
At April 08, 2007 7:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO u really belive this shit lol If god did not want us to enjoy sex we would not be able to Not to mention LOL i would sooner belive Zeus is all powerful than the shit u spit out

Ur gona live a lonly life beliving this crap LMAO

 
At April 08, 2007 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it says to have sex to multiply. but it does not say not to have enjoyable sex. its like saying its against the bible to eat jello because it doesnt say in the bible that jello is ok. and god creates in his image, so if god created the clit and you say the clit is the devil then you are speaking blasphemy. god did give you a brain, so use it

 
At April 08, 2007 8:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you think if we were not meant to enjoy sex, we wouldnt have to ability too. Homosapiens are one the only if not THE only species on the planet that gets pleasure from sexual intercourse...coincidence??

 
At April 08, 2007 8:13 PM, Anonymous Pastor Jeffrey Moorman said...

I am a pastor and I have only got a few things to say.
1. Your views are incredibly and utterly retarded, misguided, and unfortunate for ANYONE to take part in. Your biblical reasoning is evil,stupid, and incredibly wrong.
2. Get married and have anal sex and enjoy it. Think I am sinning? Try reading the bible and find where I am sinning. You make me sick, u should be ashamed for posting such garbage. God bless and have a good day.

Pastor Jeffrey Moorman

 
At April 08, 2007 9:26 PM, Anonymous Prophecy said...

haha funny thing is none of the things u say can be prove my pastor, first off jesus's true proof and rules that he left for us was the "10 commandments" thats it, not even everything in the bible is true, the bible consist of ppl who think "they heard what jesus said" and was rewritten to form w/e it is today. it is also revised to go with the times hence some of it is not true. along with your rules of the 3 pet peeves

 
At April 08, 2007 10:30 PM, Blogger Abdullah said...

I will quote this and you had better know from whom:
"I will not honor that with a response. Screw'em!"

 
At April 08, 2007 10:31 PM, Anonymous opinionation said...

you depraved sad man. i hope will someday see the light.

 
At April 08, 2007 10:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sorry but the owners of this website are a BUNCH OF FUCKING RETARDS! see you all in hell dickholes

 
At April 08, 2007 10:56 PM, Anonymous Apothacary said...

Just like the dude said above, the bible is interpretations of gods word. My bet is that its just that Herman B. Hayes just never got his wife off, thats all.
Some of the worlds greatest tyrants had penis envy...

 
At April 08, 2007 11:31 PM, Anonymous Severus Snape said...

I don't even know where to start. What a great read--perfect while i'm being a lazy bastard and avoiding work.
Oh! God's going to strike me down for being lazy...and liberal apparently.
~"The Devil's Easy Button"
although you are a true maniac I will praise you for creating an amazing term.
~"Clitoral stimulation also leads to genetic birth defects"
hmm...yeah...um...just yeah
~"anything that is not suggested to you by the far-right-reaches of the G.O.P. is a Satanist plot"
how would YOU that God is a conservative? did you ask him?? i'd think not cause when i did He told me he loves everyone.
~"don’t let Joe Kennedy sell you oil that will give your children cancer, homosexuality, AIDS and venereal disease"
Jesus lied. He hates you. Go die.

 
At April 08, 2007 11:32 PM, Anonymous Smokin said...

You say F'ing Retards? Well there sure are alot of them posting. :-) LOL

Great Satire but your bested by the responses, especially the ignorant responses. hahaha hehehe hahahaha Honey get the morphine I split my side laughing.


Cut, edit & Paste from Wikipedia.

Satire - a technique used in many places including journalism and other media. Although satire is usually witty and funny, the purpose of satire is not primarily humour but criticism of an event, an individual or a group in a clever manner.

Satire usually has a target, which may be a person, group of people, an idea, attitude, institution or a social practice. It is found in many artistic forms of expression. Often the target is examined by being held up for ridicule, typically in the hope of shaming it into reform. A very common, almost defining feature of satire is a strong vein of irony or sarcasm. Also, parody, burlesque, exaggeration, juxtaposition, comparison, analogy, and double entendre are devices frequently used in satirical speech and writing – but it is strictly a misuse of the word to describe as "satire" works without an ironic (or sarcastic) undercurrent of mock-approval, and an element at least of anger. Satirical writing or drama often professes to approve values that are the diametric opposite of what the satirist actually wishes to promote.

 
At April 09, 2007 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks, Smokin...you save me from having to Ctrl+C, Ctrl+P that tid-bit. I was at first bothered by all of the comments but found humor in the fact that if someone chose to waste their time antagonizing the author, all for the better. Congratulations on discovering the shame of life if you haven't already, people. If you are one of the many, then pat yourself on the back for replacing the lemming as nature's retard. You are probably the same person that gives me a headache at work. Thanks Herman for your time and I apologize for the incompetence of our fellow homo sapiens though, I am sure you are sorry enough yourself given your theological insight and prose. (Sorry for posting anonymous...didn't sign up. ituffgong@yahoo.com My name is Ryan, drop me a line if you have anything wrong with the article so I can contact you for coaching on being less of a dumb fcuk. Woot.

 
At April 09, 2007 12:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Hayes, it saddens me to see that Satan was corrupted you so. You claim to speak for God, but I see nothing in the bible that supports your evil ignorance. Your post is Satan's work, not God's. This is a demonic scripture of hate that makes those who love God question their creator. This ramble of rage only hurts Christianity, not support it. I hope you are the same preacher who was found having sexual relations with under-aged boys, so people can ignore your blasphemy.

 
At April 09, 2007 12:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol, and the number for the number of religious fanatics this joke has inflamed, Double LOL hahahha

 
At April 09, 2007 12:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is really, truley the saddest (and most disturbing!) part of all this is the shear volume of people who read this and did not realize it was saterical! We are in such a distorted time that this is mistaken for a person's true belief! shudders...

 
At April 09, 2007 12:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a joke, right??? Plz tell me it's a joke.....

 
At April 09, 2007 1:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahahah that is hilarious! guys remember, this is all just a joke. satire. do you really believe that anyone would be that stupid to think that shit was true?! well except maybe fred phelps..

 
At April 09, 2007 1:31 AM, Anonymous Christopher A. Knight said...

It's mildly disgusting (at least to me) how someone could possibly take a, for lack of a better turn of phrase, millenniums old compendium of babble and take it so true to heart.

Taking the notion that the Bible has been essentially bastardized though many poor translations since the publication of the Vulgate aside; the stories written therein are at best spectacular. Now, bearing that in mind the reality of things is that at best the mythological stories of the bible may be taken as fables to help us live our lives by, not as literal things that we should believe. Even if we do believe them, to what end does it serve for us to do so? How do we profit from such beliefs?

I realize that, as a species, we exist to procreate, to further our species via reproduction. However, it's hardly reasonable to assert that we must abandon any sort of pleasure to take place intermediately. Honestly, why would it be that we take pleasure from such acts as intercourse? Perhaps, previous to our "enlightenment" it served as a tool to encourage us to reproduce? Perhaps we simply lack the instinct because we are not mere animals and we require some incentive. Besides, what's worth doing that isn't profitable?

As for yourself sir, I'm certain you take no pleasure in wearing a suit (as you are in your photo) as we should most certainly be humble and the simple robes of a simple man should suit any of us perfectly well. Something to reflect upon I hope.

A reasonable response would be appreciated.

 
At April 09, 2007 1:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any of u who actually believe this guy and his bullshit that he is putting out are helping to dumb down this nation even more. You are joining the ranks of the bible belting ignorant jesus fuck loving Christians in the south and you should be ashamed of yourself. This is what organized religion has brought us to, a lot of hate and BS spewing from the lips of some jackass who claims that he knows how to save people from everlasting damnation when in reality they are most likely hearing voices in their heads or looking to control other peoples lives. I implore everyone not to listen to this crap because all it does is breed hate towards others and seeks to control your life. Just become agnostic and listen to scientists more often.

 
At April 09, 2007 3:18 AM, Anonymous Severus Snape said...

as Severus Snape, I knew this was satire. the sad part is, there are those who think like this...

 
At April 09, 2007 4:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well arnt you just a fucking prick for beleiving that shit, world has spent the last 2000 years braking away from a false prophit! - so stfu and go harass some africans who are so poor hurt, that they will beleive your bullshit

 
At April 09, 2007 4:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting comment.
I'm a Muslim, and anyone who isn't Muslim is going to Hell anyway. So feel free to enjoy yourselves.

 
At April 09, 2007 8:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dam, you are one scared little man. it's people like you who are destroying this world. though im sure its not your fault that you dont have the spine to see you have free will, and that you dont need to fear a god to have morality. i really hope you are lost from the gene pool.

 
At April 09, 2007 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao, i tot ppl say those who doesnt believe in jesus goes to hell...
im free thinker, im going hell! see u guys in hell

 
At April 11, 2007 9:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

THERE IS NO GOD! YOU NARROW MINDED DIP SHIT. MY NUMBER 1 PET-PEVE = FUCKING CHRISTIANS.(AND A BROKEN CAPS-LOCK KEY)

 
At April 20, 2007 11:36 AM, Anonymous kevin said...

holy shit this was funny. I laugh at those who took it seriously. It's obviously a jest.

 
At April 21, 2007 8:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to admit that this was funny as hell. Then reading the replies I realized that there are really people who probably think this way. I do know some warped people who are so self centered that they believe they can speak for a god no one can prove even exists.

 
At May 05, 2007 8:07 PM, Anonymous Morgan said...

"Jesus loves me, this I know, but how sure are you?" Jesus loves me this I know for the BIBLE tells me so. And also isn't enjoying sex a reward for making babies. Are you supposed to not like massages not matter how good they feel? (Not impling sex is a massage, just an example). I believe the requirement to enter heaven is to believe with your heart that Jesus is Lord and He came to Earth to cleanse our souls and that he rose again, not that you have to be a republican to get in to heaven. The bible says easier a camel in the eye of a needle than a rich man into heaven. Not a liberal in heaven. As far as I know there are some rich republicans too. I do not hate you I disagree with you. Like the crusaders i believe you give christians a bad name. I hope people don't leave your website and think that I think the way you do. not that I am an enemy of God but i wonder how long it will take me to get on that list.

 
At May 05, 2007 8:17 PM, Anonymous Morgan said...

Homosexualness is not a virus, Nimrod. Not saying I am one. It's just such ignorance is annoying. You are ignorant so I ignore you.

 
At May 05, 2007 8:36 PM, Anonymous Morgan said...

I just thought of something. It wasn't right and I am in no way imping they were but... Think, I colored a religious map of places every where. There were different symbols for different relgions. crosses for christians, Stars of David for jews, Cresent moons for muslims, ect. Now I colored the crosses red for the blood of Jesus. recalling back most of that map was red. The crusaders did that. They were wrong no doubt but their intentions were just. They didn't want people to suffer in hell. Yes the people they killed did indeed go to hell but they were going there anyway. So they were trying to help.

 
At May 05, 2007 8:39 PM, Anonymous Morgan said...

The only simularity between me and Herman/ Steeple is that we are both humans, I think. I am a christian. These people, I am not so sure about.

 
At May 05, 2007 8:44 PM, Anonymous Morgan said...

I saw a sign once and asked my mom is that true. The sign said, "GOD IS MEXICAN" My mom said that God has no race. God has no race or political face.

 
At August 01, 2007 11:14 PM, Blogger Stoned said...

"Some of you Godless unbelievers seem to think that the Lord will be infinitely patient with your constant sinning. This is not the case, I assure you. My God is not the forgiving and cuddly God of Vengeance that you heard about the last time you were in church, back when you thought White Snake was cool."


Whitesnake was cool? Damn... yeah, but David Coverdale used to boink Tawney Kitaen. She was babe-o-matic back in the day. I'd spend a weekend with Beelzebub to slip my jimmy into her a few times.


"The worst, most evil, part of a woman’s body is the clitoris."

Nah... it's her mouth. That evil satan loving jezzebelle bitch that I screw on a regular basis just won't shut the fuck up. I hope she burns in the hell of clitoris worshiping fornicators.

 
At May 02, 2008 10:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a christian- and you represent nothing we believe in. you have a jezebel spirit upon you and need jesus- a personal relationship with him. You are the type of people that make liberals call us freaks!!!! You need to study the word!

 
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Whoah, haha, I thought this shit was a joke, but I guess not. Personally I enjoy sticking my sqaure peg into my girlfriends' roundhole everyonce in a while, even if it's not for procreation.

 
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